Anderson Cooper

Look at this Julie Andrews-looking bitch. Homegirl thinks she's being slick, but I know exactly what she's up to. Bitch probably thinks she's the ginge fox and is fixin' to mate with the Silver Fox. Over my fully dead ass lips (shut your mouth, they are 12% alive)! Slutty Andrews better hike up that Talbots skirt and get ready to rumble. The Boo is mine.

Slutty Andrews' "do me Mah Boo" smile is making me want to find a baby roly poly to flick at! While I'm doing that, feast your eyes on Mah Boo at the Children Mending Hearts Benefit in Los Angeles last night. I'm also pleased to announce that soon I will be hosting the Mah Boo Mending No-Nos Benefit in my dreams tonight.

You might want to hold your throat before you read this first part: here's 15-year-old (hold it tight) Ali OLDhan posing in Times Square yesterday for photographer Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit” (HOLD IT). Oh shit. Your throat just jumped out and ran the fuck away, didn't it? Go take a net to that shit. Your social life will tank without your throat. We'll wait for you.

Has Jonathan Ressler been hanging out with our girl Allison, because he's definitely been sniffing on some computer duster. And this is not walking on sunshine. I mean, how did Ali fall into the "extraordinary women" category? White Oprah probably fell on Jonathan's dick and that's how she made this happen.

Shouldn't this girl be in school anyway? She shouldn't be outside freezing her illegal plastic tittay sacks in the middle of Times Square looking like one of the Hookers at the Point in dire need of a Swan makeover. Being one of White Oprah's children will eff you up. The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, indeed.

And what would I give to be Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's South American houseboy this morning. That lucky bitch gets to be the first one to hear what Mah Boo has to say about this while he's sipping his freshly squeezed Tang juice.

Page Six says Mah Boo Anderson Cooper recently got off (just jizzed my pants) on a plane in DC and patiently waited for his "attractive Hispanic friend" to also get off (jizz, take two). Mah Boo sat in the front of the plane (in foxy class, of course) while his "friend" sat in the back. I feel like this is code for something really kinky and sexy (jizz, take three, stand by).

Who cares if Mah Boo made his piece sit in the back. I'd crawl into a damn dog kennel and risk hypothermia by riding in cargo during winter times if Mah Boo was waiting for me at the terminal. Even if he giggled at my frostbitten lips and frozen over eyeball, I'd still nuzzle against his silver carpet (you choose which one). Fuck, I'd even hold on to the damn plane wing like Endora on Bewitched did.

If Mah Boo Anderson Cooper was in a collar and playing with my ass like it was a chew toy, this would be heaven. And Mah Boo can be as rough as he wants. My ass can take it. It's NASA tested.

The Daily Show aired CNN's Puppedential Debate hosted by Mah Boo. When someone sent me this clip, I went on CNN's website to find the entire debate for America's First Dog. Yes, my brain is officially made of mushed-up Zingers. Now I know what my mom meant when she told everyone that I was a "unique" child. Or maybe she was talking about how I used to wear her pantyhose around the house as a wig.

Anyway, Mah Boo and PUPPIES!!!! Doesn't this make your genitals quiver? Why didn't they sell tickets to this monumental event? I would have had a reason to sniff at Mah Boo's foxhole without getting dragged away by his security....AGAIN.

And I could die with a smile on my b-hole if the Silver Fox pointed at me and said, "Get this bitch off the stage!" Actually, that's probably what he wanted to say while hosting New Year's Eve with Kathy Griffin. I love Mah Boo more than I love my bong.

(Thanks to all you precious souls who sent this to me.)

This is why Kathy Griffin and Mah Boo should co-host every single show on every single channel during every single time slot. Don't even listen to my babbling about the clip above, this shit speaks for itself. I mean, all Mah Boo wanted to talk and giggle about was his undying love for The Real Housewives of Atlanta and then Kathy just had to go and make my life by telling some drunktard on the street, "I'm working! "I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!" Yes, it's a line from Mr. Show, but Kathy used it with grace and class. She also gets ten million bonus points for saying it front of Mah Boo. Why oh why wasn't there a camera on his adorable face when she said that?! His face probably went from pasty white to magenta in 3 seconds flat and then he exploded from the giggles.

And no, I wasn't the drunk heckler on the street, but Kathy can come to my job and knock the dicks out of my mouth anytime she fucking wants.

Christmas has come a little early thanks to a beautiful angel who sent me these pictures of The Silver Fox during his high school days at Dalton. Well, he was more like a brown fox then. The silver came when he first got his shiny star tickled by the tongue. He giggled, a huge cloud of glitter came out of his ass and boom! The Silver Fox was born!

He was still a hot piece back in the day, but in the second picture below he's kind of looking a little Vermont lesbian-ish. I'd still hit it.

And you know I'm going to get "Mary had a little lamb, the doctor fainted" tattooed on my ass.

My personal list on how to capture Anderson Cooper's heart has gotten longer. I already have to befriend Lisa Ling, become one with the sharks and now I have to find a way to turn French. You see, Page Six published this today:

Sightings... ANDERSON Cooper in black jeans and black leather jacket shopping for cashmere sweaters at Barneys Co-op with a young Frenchman.

How the fuck am I going to turn French? Eat more French toast and French fries? Dab a little spray cheese under my peen head? Sorry! The last French dude I got sexy with had a bad case of cheese dick. The kind of cheese dick that could put Kraft out of business. Or maybe he was Belgian? Or Canadian? Or from Minnesota? I don't know. We didn't exactly have a meaningful conversation about his birth country.

Wait. Mah Boo seems to love cashmere too. Maybe if I replace my skin with cashmere, he'll finally love me. He must love me! Ugh. I need to go take my meds now and cuddle with my silver plushie cat (I couldn't find a fox).

Andy Cooper was on Regis & Kelly this morning to talk about his special on CNN tonight on the Earth's growing population. I wonder if he interviews the Duggars? Anyway, while giggling with Regis & Kelly, Mah Boo showed a clip (above) of him getting into some sexy slinky outfit and swimming with sharks for the special.

Mah Boo also told the NYDN that by swimming with sharks he conquered one of his childhood fears. He puckered up his sexy lips and said, "Sharks have always scared me, ever since seeing 'Jaws' as a little kid, so to actually go and see them up close and look into their eyes - it was a remarkable thing to see them in their natural habitat."

Hmmm....Mah Boo thinks sharks are remarkable, does he? This gives me an idea. Quick! Rent me a shark costume and get Mah Boo back to South Africa for a follow-up visit with his new friends.

Now, I can't use an oxygen tank while pretending to be a shark, because he might get suspicious. So I'll have to hold my breath underwater. I will probably pass out, but then Mah Boo will see that I'm in danger and swim over to help a "shark friend in need." He will then give the "shark friend in need" mouth-to-mouth!!!!! This is the greatest idea ever! Yes, a real shark might smell my human blood and bite at me, but that's a chance I'm willing to take!

(Thanks Susie)

I see what's going on here and I'm not about it. Lisa Ling is trying to get a little sugar from Mah Boo. Yeah, I know she's married to some hot doctor-type, but no one can resists the charms of the Silver Fox! Wait. If I put on a black wig and a black dress, I might be able to pass as Lisa Ling. Then Mah Boo will finally grant me a hug instead of sending security after me!!

Anyway, here's that dreamwrecker Lisa Ling trying to get on Mah Boo at some CNN even last night. I also threw in a picture of Lisa with the beautiful and talented Cindy Adams! Peta is going to get shit for mistaking her wig for a dead animal and throwing flour all over her face. That was wrong of them.

In this Sunday's "60 Minutes," Mah Boo Anderson Cooper races against the dolphin god known as Michael Phelps and he does so in some baggy trunks. Baggy fucking trunks!

You really expect me to believe that Mah Boo covers his nalgas when he lays out on South Beach (protected by SPF: INFINITY, of course)? No. Mah Boo probably has a closet full of mankinis, elephant thongs and nut cutters. I feel robbed! I want my money back for watching the preview above! How the hell can I tell how long the Silver Fox's tail is in those things!

You know that if he wore his lucky silvery speedos, he would've won that shit! His little ass cheeks would have worked harder if they were covered in glittery fabulousness and his toes would've twinkled faster. And notice how his shiny hair made out of angels' tears never came out of place, even in the pool.

With all that being said, can somebody please grant me a Christmas wish and nab those trunks for me! Those trunks are begging me to turn them into my own personal crotch pillow. Beeeeggggging!

(Thanks Rebecca)