Ho

It's a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn't introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris' trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin' ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy's annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.

Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho's finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.

He must really need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.

These pics are from Crystal's Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It's very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus' conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here's more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair's post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she's used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.

Kiely Williams, a former member of 3LW and the Cheetah Girls, is desperately trying to shed her squeaky clean Disney imagine by taking ho shit to the extreme.

The beginning of Kiely's song "Spectucular" has all the makings of an official theme song for Dlisted (e.g. "Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off"). I know you're shaking your head like: "Yup, been there and already told it to the priest in confession."

But then Kiely takes a sharp right down date rape alley, and that's when things get uncomfortable (e.g. "I think he pulled a track out when he was blowing my back out! What was I drinking? I can’t believe I blacked out...I must have been on drugs...I hope he used a rubber or Imma be in trouble. Promise I don’t remember, except for rolling over"). Seriously, this song should come with a rape kit.

Dlisted is still in search of a theme song, but the makers of GHB just found theirs!

And the video. THE VIDEO! This bottom of the barrel shit looks it was made using clips from police surveillance footage of a prostitution stakeout in Jersey City, a karaoke video for a 2 Live Crew song and re-enactment scenes from a Dateline NBC special on date rape.

via ONTD

......make sure to smile a money shot smile and perk your titties up, because there's a good chance a motorist could be taking your picture! And your mother would be so upset if you were caught on camera not smiling.

The Sun says that German police want to arrest the romantic couple above for doing sexy times in the middle of a busy road in Krefeld, West Germany. One motorist said that the two bumped fupas for almost 10 minutes. A local cab driver added, "I nearly crashed my cab, it's not something you see every day in the middle of the road."

The cab driver obviously never drives by Gerard Butler's house, because this is an hourly occurrence over there.

If the police really want to find these road whores, all they need to do is check the nearest buffet or ask the local clinic if a dude with chaffed nalgas and gravel bits stuck in his asshole came in for treatment.

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I've said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!

Yeah, usually Kate Moss prefers to fuck on carcasses and zombies, but recently she was caught with one of the dudes from the band The Living Things. While on a trip to Berlin, Kate got close to Eve Berlin. So close in fact that they ended up taking off all their panties.

Eve's brother Lillian, who is the lead singer of The Living Things, told The Sun, “Walking in on my brother and Kate Moss with their clothes off, that was very awkward. I don’t like to look at my brother naked. Between my brother being naked and seeing Kate Moss naked with my brother, that was very awkward.”

Just for the record, Lillian and Eve were allegedly born with penises. Their original names were Lawrence and Yves, so don't blame their parents on the reason why they sound like characters Bette Davis has played in movies.

When asked if Kate's boyfriend, Jamie Hince, knows about her slapping Eve's peen with her cokey lips, Lillian said, “No comment. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Well, Kate just can't help it. She's following the rules! You know what they say, "When in Berlin, do a dude named Berlin."

Stories like this really makes me hurt for my slut people. Listen to this tragic story: 52-year-old Jo Ellen Nolan recently lost her job, so in order to pay her bills, she took a job peddling her saggy nalgas at Club 1245 in Akron, Ohio. Ole' girl was all ready to make a few bucks so she could take her ass home to a warm compress and a cup of Benefiber, when some trick ass stripper started sassing her!

Jo Ellen said the skank was on her ass, because she didn't want another ho getting in the way of her money. The argument led to the skank beating Jo Ellen with a stiletto! Jo Ellen was taken to the nearest hospital and treated for wounds to her head. Sadly, that was her last day as a titty merchant. She said, "I've learned my lesson. I think I was just being stupid anyway. I just have to go to a temporary service or keep looking for a job. That was just an easy way out and it turned out to be H-E-double-L."

Police are trying to find the other stripper. The only lead they have is that she goes by the name of "Beautiful." With a stripper name like that, she's probably the ugliest bitch in Akron.

Why can't all us whores stick together as one? When another bitch needs you to hold her hair while she's sucking cock in the back room of a club, you do that for her. When she has a tampon string hanging out of her cooch and she's about to shake her shit for a group of creepy ass men, you point that shit out! Times are tough, but you should always help a fellow whore out! Sluts unite!

Source: Fox 8 (Thanks Mia)

The next time I should somehow find myself at a Motley Crue concert, I'm so going to throw a bottle of water at Nikki Sixx. Because the shit he would say to me, is the dirty, pornographic crap I like to hear.

At a Motley Crue show in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, Nikki threw a bottle into the audience. Of course, a chick in the audience threw it right back at him and this set Nikki off on a gutter rant.

Nikki pointed out the chick and said, "You think that shit's funny motherfucker? Suck my dick! Come here! Fuck you." After the old ass douchebag puffed up his chichis a little more, he went on to yell, "The fact that you're a fucking whore just means you can suck my dick a little more, bitch. Aw! She's fucking crying." I'm fucking crying too. Crying in the no-no from excitement.

If Nikki said that mess to me, I would've skipped on stage with knee pads, six Purell dipped condoms, a can of RAID, a gallon of Listerine, a Hazmat crew and a pair of safety glasses (just in case one of his rogue crabs jumped in my eye). I'd be ready to handle business. Don't threaten me with a good time, Nikki.

Nikki's rant is at the 1:30 mark in the clip above.

VIA Celebitchy

Even rich motherfuckers can't resist playing Scratchers. Whoopi Goldberg probably wipes her ass with those things. I'll admit that I like picking up one or two from time to time. I like scratching off the cute lil' pots of gold and leprechauns. They disappear with the swipe of a penny! Imagine that!

Hopefully, Whoopi won big. That way she can give the money to Sherri Shepherd along with a note that says, "Be gone, bitch!"

And Whoopi smokes REDS?! Cough. Even typing that shit makes my lungs jump. That shit is not for amateurs. The last time I smoked a Red, my lungs went on strike.