Rehab

And no, not CAPS-LOCK rehab. The internet couldn't take it if Kanye West stopped dry humping on his CAPS-LOCK key. Nope. But some sources are telling Star Magazine that there's a chance Kanye could have a problem with the sweet nectar. Before Kanye ripped Taylor Swift's heart out of her chester at the VMAs, he had been getting intimate with a bottle of Henny all night. So of course, Henny took the fall for his verbal barf fest, and now Kanye might go off to rehab to try to erase his wrong.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that sources close to Kanye haven't heard about him checking into the tank right after he finishes his Fame Kills tour with Lady CaCa in a few months. Kanye's spokeswhore also wouldn't comment on this.

This is my question, is there such thing as solo rehab? Because the quickest way to get a drunk reaching for their poison is to put Kanye West in the same room as them. That will make you fuck your sobriety directly in the asshole. Seriously, they should add a 13th step: Keep away from all things Kanye-related!

73-year-old Burt Reynolds is in a Florida rehab facility, because he just can't stop getting hongray for painkillers.

The National Enquirer reports that Burt was forced into rehab after he was taken to the crazy house last month. A source says that Burt was found bloody and dizzy in his home after he fell down due to too much boozing and pill-popping. Burt was taken to the hospital, but he started to bring the crazy, so they checked him into a mental facility. The mental hospital would only release Burt if he went to rehab. And there he is.

Burt's manager wouldn't confirm the rumor about the mental hospital, but they did release this statement:

"After a recent back surgery, Mr. Reynolds felt like he was going through hell and after a while, realized he was a prisoner of prescription pain pills. He checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life. Mr. Reynolds hopes his story will help others in a similar situation. He hopes they will not try to solve the problem by themselves, but realize that sometimes it is too tough to do on their own and they should seek help, as he did."

Before we start, the true beauty all the way to the right owns this picture and she knows it. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to messy ass Melanie Griffith.

Melanie's rep tells Star Magazine that she has shuffled off to Lindsay Lohan's old snorting grounds, Cirque Lodge in Utah. Melanie's rep is trying to pass it off like some kind of tune-up. Dude farted in our eyes when he said, "She is there to reinforce her commitment to stay healthy. This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago."

But a source close to Melanie claims Antonio Banderas threatened to quit her ass if she didn't quickly back away from the bottle. Those are fightin' words! The source said, "The reason Melanie checked in was her husband was demanding that she get clean and sober. He told her that if she didn't get the help she needed it would be the end of their marriage."

Another source added that Antonio is holding her hand as she tries to get the bad shit demon off her back, "Melanie's struggling right now, but Antonio has been checking in on her as much as he is allowed, making sure she gets back on her feet."

You know, if I had to choose between Antonio Banderas' peen and booze, I'd probably choose the wang too. I mean, a bottle of Jack isn't going to make that pussay pop. Well, unless you put a little lube on the end of the bottle and... Okay, I'll stop.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is back in the tank for the third time in less than 4 years. JRM spent a little time at Promises Malibu in 2005. Two years later, he gave rehab another shot. In 2007, he was arrested for being a drunk mess at an airport a few days after his mom passed away.

The Independent says he's getting treatment at a facility in England for booze addiction.

I figured it was coke too. His eyes are serenading me with their own version of "White Lines." Shit, those eyes look like they can separate and cut lines perfectly. Now, that's a party trick.

A source said that the producers of The Tudors kind of tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that he might want crawl out of the bottle and get a little help. The source went on to say, "He is one of the nicest guys in the world, he's a pleasure to work with. He has his demons, and he's trying to cope with them as best he can."

It's not a coincident that JRM has worked with Tommy Girl. You know Tommy flashed his alien ass snatch at JRM at least once. There's his fucking demons, right there.

VIA Contact Music

Kelly Osbourne is giving this rehab shit another go since I guess it didn't stick the first time. These things happen. The Shiba Inu 6 break up, so you drown your sorrows in some of the bad shit. Then you wake up in the gutter with chapped nipples and a leaky ass. I'm not speaking from experience or anything....

Sharon Osbourne says Kelly is indeed in rehab! She confirmed it to RadarOnline: "Yeah, Kelly's in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we're proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she's getting it. We just pray that everything's going to be okay. This is one of the absolute worst things that a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab. And not once, but twice."

Sharon said the whole family has been busy lately working on their variety show (NOT ANOTHER VARIETY SHOW!!!) for Fox. Sharon kept her mouth shut on what Kelly's poison is. She said Kelly will tell us all herself when she busts out of the tank. Star Magazine claims Kelly's at Hazelden in Oregon.

Okay, back to that variety show shit. That's what drove Kelly to jump off the wagon with both hands waving in the air! We may all need rehab after watching it. But seriously, I hope Kelly's Shiba Inu puppy is okay after going through all of this shit. Sharon should set up a webcam for it, so I can care for it. I have experience being a mother to Shiba Inu puppies. Hundreds of hours of experience. If Sharon needs a resume, I can show her my Firefox history from November through December.

Ultimate drunktard Tara Reid is now working her way up the 12 steps to staying relevant by checking herself into a little known rehab facility known as Promises Malibu. I guess Celebrity Rehab was all booked up?

Her spokeswhore told People, "Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family's privacy at this time."

The spokeswhore wouldn't say what she's being treated for. That's probably because the list is endless and nobody really has that kind of time. The better question would be, "What isn't the bitch addicted to?"

While she's in there, she should also have a contractor, Ty Pennington, a few set decorators, the bomb squad and Bob the Builder come in to look at her war zone tummy. While she's detoxing, she might as well fix the monster on her belly.

And because Tara's in the tank, the booze industry is going to take a big hit, so we need to do our part! This weekend, for every 1 cocktail you drink, drink 6 more for Tara!

Somebody's got to pay Blaaaake's £30,000 rehab bill and it's not going to be the government or the Crackie of Camden. Blaaake is currently trying to get the drug demon ripped from his body (True Blood shot out!), but he's going to have to find another way to pay for it.

A friend of Wino's told The Sun that she's pissed off because Blaaake never told her he was getting out of the chokey. She found out from the neighborhood drug dealers who were screaming in excitement. No, she found out from reporters.

The friend said, “Blake thought he would click his fingers and she’d stump up the 30 grand. But so far she has refused. He’s not happy.”

Wino's famewhore daddy, Mitch, said that she hasn't seen her husband in a long ass time and she really doesn't care. Mitch did a tap dance number and then said, “Blake is a no-hoper. I want Amy to forget about him. The best thing that could possibly happen is for them to go their separate ways.”

Fuck Blaaake! Why would Wino waste her cash on hist stupid rehab program when she can spend it on ice pops and crack! And what the hell kind of rehab costs that much? The trailer witch (second True Blood shout out!) will fix him up for $799!

Here's Wino looking like a couture model on the Paris runways while walking around her neighborhood with her roly poly daddy.

Last night, I posted some shit about Amy Wino going to rehab again. Well, according to her spokesbitch, I was lie-telling. They claim Wino isn't at The Clinic to dry out, but that she's there to be treated for a chest and lung infection. I'm not a doctor or anything, but don't you need lungs in order to have a lung infection? Wino's lungs probably quit that bitch a long ass time ago. They're on a plane to the Caribbean with her crackhive.

Wino's rep told People: “Amy is in hospital being checked out with for a chest infection. She is not back in rehab. She should be fine and is expected to return home soon.”

Since Wino's already there, can't they just handcuff her to the bed? Shit, they should call that trailer witch from "True Blood" to come down with her possum to get the demon out of her!

Our little Crackie of Camden put on her Saturday best and skipped off to rehab in London yesterday for like the billionth time this year. Hopefully, it'll stick this time!

Wino was taken to The Clinic (DUN DUN DUN) by her friend Blake Wood. Mitch Wino got on his soap box and told The News of the World that Wino just has a "chest infection" (aka a crack cough). Then Daddy Wino sang them a fucking aria, performed his comedy routine over the phone and promised to send their asses some autographed pictures of himself. Get your eye and ear plugs out, because now that Wino is back in rehab, Daddy Wino is not going to shut up his lips.

Below are a few more pictures of the Crackie of Camden flashing her delicious burnt butter teefs while making her way into the tank for more fun and games. Yes, I'm fully aware that she looks like a hobo rat with a bad case of meth pox who just crawled out of a dirty toilet, but that's not my issue with her appearance.

I'm concerned about the fact that her crackhive is missing! Put out a fucking APB! If the crackhive is not with her, shit must be serious. You know that scared crackhive is hiding under her bed, rocking itself to sleep to stop the visions. Don't you worry your hairy little head, Crackhive! Everything will be alright now that Wino is back in The Clinic, right? As long as she eats the Jello, she'll be fine. Eat the Jello, Wino! And then soak those teefs in some OxiClean!

Nikki McKibbin dragged herself out of the dumpster, slapped some Manic Panic on her head and somehow found herself competing in the first season of "American Idol." Nikki obviously didn't know she was getting into, because she tells UsWeekly that Simon Cowell's hot comments fucked with her head which caused her to fill her body with booze and drugs. And by "hot comments" I mean "really mean comments."

The former stripper said that growing up she never really experienced real criticism, so getting bashed by Simon really got to her. She said, "I had never been told I wasn't good enough. Having to hear it for so many weeks from Simon Cowell killed me inside. I couldn't get the shit he had said to me out of my head. It drove me deeper into my depression. I wouldn't say that this was Simon's fault. It just added to the addict that I already was."

While the show was going on, Nikki would find a way to buy vodka and she stored it in the house. She said, "If I wasn't too exhausted, I'd have one or two drinks." One or two drinks?! What the hell kind of GD alcoholic was she? I guess most of us need rehab them. I'm sure they'll teach us that Step 1 is to blame the reality show judge who was meanest to you.

In all seriousness, maybe Simon's bitchery is to blame for Nikki's addictions. I mean, it would explain why Paula Abdul is always fucked out of her mind.

30-year-old Nikki is currently sober thanks to Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab 2. She is now married to her 39-year-old childhood roller-skating coach. Childhood roller-skating coach?! Is she sure that wasn't the cause of her boozin'?