PHELPS!!!

While planning a pool party, have you ever thought to yourself, "This party would be so much better if Michael Phelps did laps in the pool while we all sip Mai Tais and watch"? Okay, you probably have, but some bitch actually made it come true.

According to Page Six, the dolphin god was paid $100,000 to swim a few laps at an LA pool party for the wifey of some TV boss.

If you're going to pay that bitch 100 grand to do a few strokes, he'd better do it naked and on top of you.

The shit people spend their husband's money on. I swear. Although, I shouldn't talk, because I practically emptied out my checking account buying way too many bags of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies from this site.

During Jimmy Kimmel's pre-Emmy special last night, he showed a "Grey's Anatomy" spoof featuring the God of Water as Dr. McSwimmy. I approve of the sea cucumber stuffed speedos, but the Crocs.....THE CROCS! That is unforgivable! I don't care if it was part of his costume! CROCS only belong on the hooves of the devil! Thankfully, Crocs did not make an appearance on the final cut.

Debbie Phelps was probably on set and refused to let this happen. What am I saying? She's probably a Crocs-a-holic! I bet she owns Crocs high heels in every color. She thinks they look extra sexy when paired with her No Tummy Pants from Chico's.

Below is the spoof featuring Dolphin Boy. They should have put the "censored" bar on his face instead. Well, you were thinking the same thing.

Image: JCChambersOnline - Video: ONTD

The dolphin man visited the Playboy Club in Las Vegas last night and demonstrated his excellent backstroke on one of the resident hos there. Although, in Vegas they call it the "ass stroke." A couple of minutes after this picture was taken, the chick's ass turned to solid gold.

Radar managed to get a couple of pictures of Phelps in action last night. They also said he didn't waste anytime bringing the hos to his side: "It was unreal. Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over... I've never seen such an aggressive grip."

Phelps has got a fucking Polident grip! Hopefully, if that chick went back to Phelps' tank, she triple bagged it (2 bags for his dick and 1 for his face). Seriously, I don't even think a two regular condoms could contain Phelps' spermies. His little fishies can bust through iron.

And Debbie Phelps would say this young lady was definitely having a "Chico's kind of day."

Carrie Underwears and magical dolphin person Michael Phelps have planned their first date. The two haven't met, but started texting each other after Michael heard Carrie thinks he's "cute." Off topic: Can someone please make Carrie an appointment to the optometrist. It's time for a check-up.

Anychinfuckers, a source told The National Enquirer (via PopCrunch) that Michael doesn't want their first date to involve any eating. WTF. He apparently wrote to Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.” Not see him eat?! What the hell kind of first date is that? Eating is the only thing I do on the first date and I'm not talking about food.

The source also said that Carrie is a little hesitant to start dating again. “Carrie needs someone who is going to stick by her. She was devastated when her relationship with Tony Romo broke. The last thing she needs is a relationship with another high-profile celebrity who’s going to end up loving and leaving her.” Who said anything about a relationship?! Just take a ride on his dolphin fin and leave it at that.

It's best if she just leaves it at that and uses plenty of protection! Can you imagine these two reproducing? Carrie would pop out Rumer Willis' chin.

I am so fucking giddy because I get to post about Chico's! "A Chico's kind of day" is one of my favorite phrases ever! Every now and again when someone asks me how I'm doing, I'll sigh, close my eyes and softly say, "I'm having a Chico's kind of day." I have no idea what that means, but it's comforting. I think it means that you're having hot flashes and craving fabrics that look like they were inspired by wallpaper remnants from the clearance bin. Or it just means that you're trying to hide gut over bagina.

Before leaving for Beijing, Debbie Phelps headed on down to Chico's and bought her entire Olympics wardrobe. She told The Pittsburgh Gazette, "I knew I was going to need to be prepared for a variety of events, activities and climates, so I picked key pieces that I could mix and match, dress up and dress down." The store noticed that Debbie wore their old lady shit to almost every Olympic event so they posted a picture of Debbie on their website alongside all the crap she wore.

The store is now talking to Debbie's "management" about working with her. A spokesbitch for Chico's said, "We think she looks amazing. We think she really resonates with women everywhere." Wait. Hold up. Rewind. Debbie has management?! And it starts..... Expect a line of Debbie Phelps boxed wine, Debbie Phelps menopausal pads and Debbie Phelps thongs. I can't wait.

So, let me ask you something. What kind of day are you having? If you don't say, "A Chico's kind of day," then you better turn around and go take a shit.

I think we're the only skanks who haven't been romantically linked to the new God of the Sea, Michael Phelps. Oh yeah, haven't you heard? Phelps dethroned Poseidon.

Phelps has already been linked to model Lily Donaldson and Amanda "ewwww" Beard. They both denied ever dating him. Now Page Six claims Phelps was spotted sticking his little dolphin tongue down the throat of Australian swimmer Stephanie Rice. Some nosy bitch said they were making out on Monday night outside of the Olympic Village in Beijing.

Stephanie barely broke up with her swimmer boyfriend Eamon Sullivan. Eamon is reportedly "cut up" over the split. Well, I'll happily help Eamon put the pieces back together...into my no-no hole.

Phelps wouldn't comment on the rumors and has already said that his private life is private. That's fine, but can he please make his private PARTS public. That's all I really care about.

I have a feeling every girl in the world will be "spotted" sucking butterface with Phelps. Shit. I'd glue my eyes shut to make out with him.

Do you think that when he cums he makes dolphin cackles? And he totally cums pure chlorine.

Here's some extra douchey pictures of Stephanie from her Facebook page.

That person who won a bunch of trophies at that one contest in China is on the new box of Corn Flakes. He will also be on the box for Frosted Flakes in September. He's already said that Frosted Flakes is his favorite cereal in the world.

This has apparently pissed off a few nutritionists. They're upset because Frosted Flakes has three times the sugar as Wheaties and only a third of the fiber. They think he should be on the cover of a Wheaties box instead. What do they know? They need to sit in a big bowl of Frosted Flakes and shut the hell up.

I don't eat Corn Flakes anymore, but I used to be addicted to that shit. I would eat them with everything. I would even use them to make extremely ghetto nachos. I would sprinkle shredded cheese on top of a bowl of Corn Flakes and microwave that shit. Mmmm...I could go for a bowl right now.

On another note, since Michael Phelps shaves his pits, does that mean he waxes his dolphin fin area too? No pubies on a dude always freaks me out. I don't like to rumble in the jungle, but I like a little something down there.

Amanda Beard is not bumping dicks with superhuman Michael Phelps! She denied the rumors on Johnjay and Rich's radio show yesterday morning. Amanda could have kept it simple by just saying, "No, I'm not sucking on his dolphin fin." Instead, she said "ewww" over and over again when asked about the rumors.

Amanda said, "Eww, that's nasty. I have never, ever hooked up with Michael Phelps. Come on, I have really good taste. He's really not my type." Ewww? Seriously, how old is this broad? Did she go to The Michael K School of Vocabulary? I don't remember her as one of my students.

Something tells me Amanda tried to sit on Michael's golden peen once, but she couldn't handle it. Even Sienna Miller's vagina of destruction quivers at the thought of getting near his invincible rod.

Below is the clip of Amanda bashing Phelps yesterday morning. Take an espresso shot every time she says "ewwww." Your ass will probably explode before you even get to the 2 minute mark.

JLo was on "Good Morning America" yesterday to talk about how she's training for the 22nd Annual Malibu Triathlon. Some nosy bitch on the set of the morning show told MSNBC's The Scoop that JLo just doesn't understand why everyone is talking about "that swimmer" and not about her!

The nosy bitch went on to say, “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

JLo is fucking right! Michael Phelps is known for being a superhuman who pretty much conquered the impossible, and JLo is known for being a former Fly Girl with a fat ass. Our priorities are all fucked up! JLo should be the one getting all the attention. Shame on us! And shame on NBC for devoting hours and hours to Phelps instead of JLo. Shit, Debbie Phelps shouldn't be in Beijing! She should be in Malibu, preparing to cheer on JLo! We all should.

There's just one little problem though. I don't think any of us really give a fuck about JLo!

Thanks Jill

The king of all humans, Michael Phelps, shot this Sports Illustrated cover on Sunday night in China. The issue will already be on newsstands tomorrow. Those bitches are quick!

This is what I don't understand. Why would they cover up his hot body?! That shit is his real gold medal! I mean, they really should have just wrapped the gold medals around the top of his head instead. Hide the flaws and show us what we really want to see! On second thought, they should have just hung the gold medals from his golden peen. And I'm not joking. His peen is probably made of gold.

Here's the inspiration for Phelps' SI cover. Mark Spitz took this iconic image back in 1972. Spitz's version wins. Sorry. It's all about the pornstache.

VIA Cover Awards