Matt

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood's most stunning beauties. At last night's NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana's favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don't have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they're made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they're trapped in cages? That's torture.

Matt Damon brought his bald ass head to the Save Our Schools Million Teacher March in DC over the weekend and spit out a bunch of 80-point Scrabble words at a reporter who pretty much made it clear that she doesn't think teachers should get tenure. Matt schooled her ass by saying that he's an actor because he loves acting (Oh really, Matt?) and teachers are teachers because they love teaching. Now, let me stop Ben Affleck's one true heartmate right there...

Is Matt trying to tell me that one of my elementary school teachers, who I swear was the living embodiment Miss Viola Swamp, not only had a heart that felt emotion, but also loved teaching even though she snarled at all of us like a pet store snake snarls at mice in the glass aquarium next to it? This bitch totally practiced witchcraft and sat at her desk silently chanting to herself hoping that the spell would work and we'd all turn into roaches that she'd mash into a paste to feed to her cats using the one long fingernail she refused to cut!

On picture day, that evil bitch actually asked me, "Are you really wearing that?" I was wearing a grey sleeveless poly-blend shirt, red shorty shorts and matching Converse! It was a hot outfit in everybody's eyes. Bitch was just trying to fuck with my head. So is Matt trying to tell me that Miss Viola Bitch actually loved her job? Wait. Maybe she did love her job, because it gave her an outlet to be a cunt to children. That's a pretty good reason, actually. I stand corrected.

When the camera dude put his tongue into the debate to say that 10% of all teachers are bad and should consider going into another profession, Matt snapped back with, "Okay, well maybe you're a shitty camera man."

While you watch Matt's opening speech below, I'm going to figure out how to weave the word "peen" into the fancy word "paternalistic" for future use.

PEENALISTIC! I did it! Miss Viola Bitch better give me a gold star for that shit. And here's Matt lube-ing up his bald hard during the March.

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it's a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh's unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet's population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer's pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Matt Damon's wife Luciana, a former cocktail waitress and now the RICHEST WOMAN ALIVE (or something like that), has come down with another case of the babies for the fourth time. Matt's rep told UsWeekly that everyone in the Damon household is excited. Yes, anticipating the sweet and sour scent of wet newborn caca is really exciting.

Matt and Luciana have a 3-year-old Isabella and a 21-month-old Gia. Luciana has an 11-year-old, Alexia, daughter from a previous dude.

I honestly thought Luciana already a tenant in her womb. She's like permanently pregnant. And since she's knocked up, that means Jennifer Garner isn't far behind. Matt and Ben's sperm fishes are synchronized.

And since Matt and Luciana might be hoping for boy, I decided to visit my favorite treasure trove of wisdom to see what others had to say about conceiving a dude. This is what someone said:

Theoretically, boy sperm is lighter than girl sperm and they swim faster, so u can try having him ejacuate as close to the cervix as possible, i would reccomend doggy style. l0l this isnt gonna guarantee you a boy but hey no harm in trying.

Thank the fuck I'm not a woman (keep your lips shut!), because I would've popped out three dozen boys by now.

Enough with this Jason Bourne vs. James Bond shit! The minute Jason Bourne gets into some tight panties and shows us the fucking goods the way Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale, I'll consider moving over to Team Bourne. But in the meantime, I'm sticking with Bond. If Matt Damon thinks I'm a caca person, then he would be right. But not because I love Bond.

You see, Matt thinks James Bond is really gross. He told the Miami Herald (via UsWeekly), "They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films. Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He's repulsive."

Paging Ben Affleck! You're needed at the nursery. Please carry Matt to his crib, stick a pacifier in his mouth hole and sing him a sweet lullaby. Just when his eyes start to close for the night, whisper in his little ear, "Honey, don't be jealous."

Seriously, who gives a fuck about all that shit? I'm not thinking about that when I'm watching Daniel Craig. I'm only thinking, "Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass. Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass..."

Some bitch once told me that Ben Affleck isn't a stranger to wearing fake hair, so his head is probably right at home with this Jesus wig on.

Ben sort of looks like this one hot homeless dude in my neighborhood who always looks at me with lusty eyes. It's probably just a combination of him being stoned and me being delusional. I swear, if Hot Homeless Dude had a sign one day that read, "Will hit it for food," I'd immediately take him up on his offer. Who cares if his super scabies would probably set up camp on my ass cheeks! That's what the free clinic is for.

Ben wore this shit on his head for a movie called "Extract" with Jason Bateman. Is that shit low-budget? They couldn't even afford to throw that polyster mop into a tub of RIT, so it matches his beard? Anyway, here's a few more pics of Ben looking dick cheese fresh on the set in Los Angeles yesterday.

In an interview with the Associated Press, Matt Damon doesn't hold back when talking about Sarah Palin. Matt called the Palin pick a "disaster," and that there's a good chance she will become President which is a "scary thing." Matt also doesn't understand why more people aren't talking about it. Um...does he ever go on the internet?

Matt went on to say that the whole thing is a really bad Disney movie. He said, "The hockey mom, you know, 'Oh, I'm just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down Vladimir Putin... It's totally absurd... It's a really terrifying possibility."

Come on, Matt! What do you take Disney for? It's probably already in development under the working title "President Mommy." Megan Mullally already passed on it, so they are talking to Geena Davis. I can already see the poster. Geena Davis is holding a soccer ball in front of the White House while her kids are pulling at her skirt and her husband (played by Rick Moranis) is rolls his eyes at her. Vladimir Putin can play himself. It'll be a hit!