Tina Fey

Somebody had to give the videobomb of the night and even though I was secretly hoping it would be an actual lit bomb behind Madge as she licked her own ego during her ten-year-long acceptance speech, it was Tina Fey! While who ever was on stage was throwing out the names of the nominees for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, Amy Poehler thought the camera lens and her were having a special intimate moment together, but then Tina snuck in like a chrishansenhaveaseat.gif. Tina is seriously becoming a seasoned bomber, because this is her second time stealing a ho's shine at an awards show.

So if your ass is ever sitting in a $30,000 borrowed gown at an awards show and you hear the sounds of the Jaws theme behind you, it's Tina Fey stealing your shot! Or it's Phoebe Price since the secret ingredient in her chicken cutlets are magnets that drag her toward the camera. Wait. Are we sure this isn't actually Chicken Cutlets in a Tina Fey mask?

And with one Tina Fey photobomb, any thought I had left about that Emmys shit has really been blown from my mind. There's nothing more to say!

Source: CoF via Buzzfeed

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

The other week, I was getting a G-rated facial (Although, that shit is really rated NC-17 since it's a horror show) for the first time and as I ate my cries I told myself that this is what hos must go through at the Guantanamo Bay spa. Seriously, they soothe you with clouds of lavender mist and as your soul lays down in a Calgon bath, homegirl blinds you with a wet towel and then brutally murders your face with her fingers without saying a word. TRICKERY! It really felt like she was pulling premature pus babies out of my face and the evil inside her grew stronger as I slowly started to die inside.

Whenever I lifted my hand to see if my face skin was still there, she'd push it down and continue to extract pieces of my charred soul through my pores. And I was paying actual money for this. I was paying for someone to show me what it feels like when tiny demons in dagger shoes Riverdance on top of my face. It was like a Ke$ha song for my face. It was one of those experiences that while it was happening I told myself that I was going to come out a stronger person because of it (aka Oprah bullshit). Only I came out with a face that matched my nalgas: bruised, beaten, sad, swollen and red.

Afterward, I told my friend on IM about the WORST AND MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE and her response was, "Has a baby head ever exploded out of your pussy? No? Then shut the fuck up." Good point. Which leads me to the news that Tina Fey birthed out her second baby friend this week! The details from People:

Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.

The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.

If you're going to go Greek, you're going to go with Penelope Athena! Well, you'd probably go with Hopa Fage Yogurt first, and then you'd go with Penelope Athena. Congratulations to Tina, Jeffrey, Alice and the newest baby member of the 30 Rock writing staff.

(Image via NBC)

Alec Baldwin has already responded to Tracy Morgan's fire-breathing sermon against gays with a Tweet shrug and now Tina Fey and the head of NBC issued their own statements since some people were wondering What Would Liz Lemon Do?

The head of NBC said that he was happy Tracy apologized and that they don't agree with hate or violence towards anybody (except Conan O'Brien). Since the NBC peacock is as gay as the NBC peacock, he went on to say that both the network and 30 Rock accept everybody (except Conan O'Brien) so Tracy's comments were against what they believe in.

As for Tina, she put it like this:

“I’m glad to hear that Tracy apologized for his comments. Stand-up comics may have the right to ‘work out’ their material in its ugliest and rawest form in front of an audience, but the violent imagery of Tracy’s rant was disturbing to me at a time when homophobic hate crimes continue to be a life-threatening issue for the GLBT Community. It also doesn’t line up with the Tracy Morgan I know, who is not a hateful man and is generally much too sleepy and self-centered to ever hurt another person.

I hope for his sake that Tracy’s apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket. The other producers and I pride ourselves on 30 Rock being a diverse, safe, and fair workplace.”

Tina Fey should know that one of my shittiest ex-boyfriends slept 12 hours a day and always sat on the side of the table that faced the giant mirror in the dining room at Mimi's Cafe, so sleepy selfish dick bags can be hateful too. But what I'm getting from Tina's statement is that on the next season of 30 Rock, Tracy Jordan will become color blind which will lead him to only wearing rainbow colored clothing. Then Tracy Jordan's son Tracy Jr. will come out to him at around the same time he develops a Tourettes-like tick that forces him to stab his daddy in the knee with a rusty shank repeatedly throughout the day. Either that or she's saying that bitch better get right or he'll be lucky if he gets a job as Mel Gibson's understudy at the Westboro Baptist Dinner Theater.

And I just realized that typing "dining room at Mimi's cafe" was ridiculous. Like that shit was some fine dining.

Screw, Year of the Rabbit! 2011 is turning out to be the Year of the Fetus (although, Year of the Rabbit works too). Wombs all around Hollywood and beyond are currently at capacity and you can add Tina Fey to the NO VACANCY list! Tina Fey was on Oprah today and dropped the news that she's 5 months pregnant. Yeah, so you know that sonic boom that whistled the wax off of your ear hairs this afternoon? It was Oprah screaming from Chicago: TEEEEEEEEEEN-AAAAAAAH FAAAAAY-YAAAAAAY IS HAVING A BAAAAAAAAAY-BEEEEEEEE! If you stand outside really still, the echo will come back and hit you.

Tina's rep confirms to People that she gave Oprah the news (in an episode airing on April 12th) that that she's expecting a second kid with her husband Jeff Richmond. Tina was on the show to promote her new book Bossypants and her return to SNL in a few weeks. It not yet known if an "Over the Moon" violation was made. Developing...

Congrats to Tina, Jeff and Alice! And congrats to all the writers at 30 Rock since I'm sure Tina's baby will deliver the second coming of "I want to go to there." The doctor is going to slap her baby and then hand him/her a membership card for the Writers Guild.

And I didn't mean that "screw, the Year of the Rabbit" shit. Because I"m pretty sure that gay hairdresser rabbit with Tina is "the rabbit" in Year of the Rabbit.

And either the excitement of winning an award fermented and bubbled over putting him in a drunk euphoric coma, or the camera caught the moment his butt finally exhaled out a fart that had been stuck in there all day. Either way, Ricky Martin is relaxed. So yeah, Ricky won a trophy at the GLAAD Media Awards last night for being GAY!, OUT! and a CELEBRITY! Ricky told reporters that declaring his love for the peen was welcomed with open arms (and other body parts). Ricky thanked his partner Carlos and then gave a shout to Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, etc... Sadly, Ricky didn't give a special thanks to his shiny red Menudo jeggings. Here's Ricky's speech:

“I just want to be free. I can say today I'm free. And for that I definitely need to thank my parents for being so supportive, my mother and my dad for their unconditional love, and my friends, my family, my fans. And my partner in crime and my boyfriend Carlos.

And GLAAD let's go to Latin America, let's share the love! Let's go to Mexico! Let's go to Columbia! Let's go to Argentina! Let's go to Chile! Let's go to Brazil! We need you GLAAD -- we need you down there, we need to spread the love in Latin America. Let's do it in Spanish. I can help, I can do it! I'll be part of it. I want to be part of it.”

"Let's do it in Spanish" has just become my new favorite fuck partner pick-up line. And besides Ricky, other hos who found a trophy in their hands last night included Tina Fey and True Blood (full winners list here).

And here's some pictures! In order: Ricky Martin, Andy Cohen with warriors from the Ke$ha tribe, Tina Fey, Manila Luzon with Sahara Davenport, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Jane Velezzie-Mitchell with a chick who is giving me the dizzies and Rollerina.

Jennifer Aniston came home late one night (okay, it was like 8) after a particularly exciting knitting circle session and she couldn't wait to share everything with her confidantes, best friends and children. Jennifer opened the door to their room, clapped on the Winnie the Pooh floor lamp, and then the look of ecstatic happiness on her face immediately burned away and the ashes turned into a mask of PAINED TERROR! Covering the baby blue berber carpet of the nursery were mounds upon mounds of the fluffy synthetic white guts from her BEST FRIENDS! Jennifer dropped to her knees, raised her fists at the Hasbro Gods and let out a silent wail that could only be heard throughout the stuffed animal section at Toys 'R Us.

Who would do this? Who would be evil and vengeful enough to commit a STUFFED ANIMAL MASSACRE! And then a cold wind softly touched one of the tears running down Jennifer's cheek which made her turn to an open window in the room. And there she saw it....a single piece of black cotton fabric stuck to a nail in the windowsill. Jennifer knew and as she stared down at her hands filled with her fallen soulmates' guts she made a silent promise to them to get REVENGE AT ANY COST!!!

Cut to Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashaying into the NYC premiere of Megamind last night with a smug smirk that washed all over his face as soon as he slipped on the luxurious coat made from the pelts of his arch rival's precious friends. Aniston: 0, Maddox de Vil: I lost count.

And as I try to tally up all of Maddox's victories, you can spend a little time with these pictures of Brad Pitt, Tina Fey and Ben Stiller at last night's premiere. After looking at Brad Pitt's dozed eyes, I now know what the guy at my deli sees when I stumble in to buy a jar of nacho cheese after smoking the good shit for hours in my darkened apartment.

If you've ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly "WHY ME?" cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White's dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.

All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it's confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it's not a party until you're wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!

And here's some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.

This Mutual Savings Bank commercial from 1995 starring Tina Fey makes me remember the magical time when every lady comic on TV wore tapestry vests over white button-down shirts and EVERYTHING (I mean, EVERYTHING) was filmed in an empty loft. This is as if Lisa Loeb's "Stay" video crashed into Jenny Jones' wardrobe closet. Tapestry vests and empty lofts really need to make a comeback.

via Buzzfeed