Heather Mills

On what would've been John Lennon's 71st birthday, Paul McCartney threw himself into the marriage thing again by making the serious businesswoman daughter of a New Jersey shipping magnate (Daughter of a New Jersey Shipping Magnate should really be a band name) his third wife in London. 69-year-old Paul and 51-year-old Nancy Shevell said "until the cunt wrath of Heather Mills" does us part in front of guests including her cousin Barbara Walters and Ringo Starr at the Old Marylebone Town Hall, the same place where he married his first wife Linda in the 60s. Well, maybe he got married there again because they waived his marriage license fee since he's a returning customer.

Both Nancy and Paul wore outfits made by his daughter Stella McCartney. Paul and Heather's daughter Beatrice was the flower girl and he gave his new wife Nancy a fancy 5-carat diamond wedding band by Neil Lane. People says that after the wedding, everyone went back to Paul's mansion to slurp on vegan food as they nervously looked for Heather Mills to fly in on a broom that doubles as her other leg.

You know, Nancy and Paul look so happy that they could fart out heart-shaped clouds (and since they're eating vegan food, they probably will) and she has enough money to bathe in hundred dollar bills every night so I doubt she's putting her shovel under his fortune, but I just can't get into them. They are so damn boring! Nancy is the human equivalent of a Kate Middleton yawn. Just look at those shoes. Those shoes are straight out of the memaw of the bride collection at Payless. If Nancy was a toddler getting her First Communion, then wearing those shoes would've been okay.

I mean, if this was Heather Mills' wedding, she would've already karate-pegged a bitch for throwing petals instead of money and she definitely would've ripped off the head of a white to dove to pour its blood on the paparazzi. Those were the days. As boring as they are, I'm sure Nancy and Paul will last FOREVER! But mainly because Nancy is going to do whatever she can to NOT join Heather Mills in The Paul McCartney's Ex-Wives Club.

And there's Heather Mills lurking in the background waiting for the perfect moment to douse her future replacement with tap water and cunt-infused saliva. (Note: It's actually Michelle Williams, but facts always take a backseat to fictionalized drama.) 69-year-old Paul McCartney will try this whole marriage thing for the third time with his 51-year-old serious businesswoman girlfriend of 4 years Nancy Shevell. Paul and Nancy met in the Hamptons back in 2007. This will be Nancy's second marriage. A source type tells People:

"Nancy and Paul are getting married. Ring and all – very exciting. They have the right chemistry. They're both cool, chilled out and optimistic."

Yes, I'm sure Paul remembered how he spent many a night picking the scabs off of his b-hole after getting burned by the cuntress of cunts Heather Mills, so he proposed to Nancy with an engagement ring made out of prenup documents. Good move.

The source says that they are both cool and optimistic, but you know they are going to get married while surrounded by a moat, a circle of hot coals, an army of woodchoppers and slabs of bloody beef. That's one way to ward off the evil spirits (aka Heather "Gimmebills" Mills).

Wearing what most professional hookers describe as "business casual," Heather Millers (which the British pronounce as "CUNT") slid onto the red carpet last night for the premiere of StreetDance 3D in London. 20 for a blow, 50 for a lay.

Heather's polyester swathed camel toe doesn't bother me as much as the fact that her facial expressions still make her look like she's getting pussy head from a stun gun. I know the paps are probably throwing the cunt word at her, but she should at least try to fake smile while telling those evil bitches to lick her stump!

Heather Mills has confessed that she's pretty much blown through her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in less than two years. As soon as the money dropped into her checking account, Heather said she immediately handed it over to various charities. You know, because she's like the Robin Hood of gold digging whores.

Heather said on a show called Shrink Rap (via DS), "Most of it's been given to charity, gone into ethical businesses or paid for a couple of properties for my daughter's future security. I could never sit with millions of pounds in the bank that could make matters change."

That quote right there should cause Paul McCartney to legally change his name, buy a new social security number online, move to the Artic and keep all of his money in a box made out of bloody beef steaks, because Heather is hopping back for more. It's only a matter of time before she drags Paul back to court to drop another glass of water on his lawyer's head and collect another bag of money.

Fart away, JLo, because there's a new Queen of the Boogie Down and her name is Heather Mills (Dear The Bronx, I'm queefing out jokes, so please don't murder me with your eyes).

The Wicked Cunt of the UK dropped into the Bronx yesterday to open the first American branch of her vegan fast-food restaurant V-Bites (aka The Cunt Cafe). Heather is really trying to turn everybody in the Bronx into cardboard-eating vegans, because she's already donated $1 million in vegan food to underprivileged children there.

While I was doing research for this important story (because I'm a serious journalist), I found this hot quote from the New York Daily News. Last year, they asked some residents of the Bronx about Heather Mills. Lashawnda Floyd said this: "Yeah, that's the one with one leg or something."

And seeing Heather standing next to her vegan restaurant really makes me want to eat a hot dog wrapped in bacon and stuffed between two hamburger patties with steak gravy on top.

Last night in Los Angeles, the cunty cuntress of cuntery, Heather Mills, launched her new recycled fashion line called Be@one. Heather should've called her line Be@trash or Be@fug, because her clothes Be@SHIT!!

Heather told the audience that all of her pieces were made out of clothes and textiles that normally would be thrown into the trash. Heather said, "The collection consists of women’s and menswear, designed for the assertive, fashionable and eco-conscious person. All the fabrics used in the pieces have been carefully sourced and remodeled into something unique and highly wearable."

Wearable for who exactly? Old timey prostitutes who were just attacked by Jack the Ripper? Or child touching flashers who want to fancy up their look a bit? Seriously, all of these clothes look like the halfway point of a Project Runway challenge.

Heather, stick to being a big cunt and leave the designing to the professionals (like Sheree).

And I don't know about you, but in these pictures, Heather looks like something the Benjamin Button baby of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. It must be those maniacal eyes.

And here we go. Get your fist ready and apologize to your monitor in advance, because Heather Mill's tongue is at it again. Poor, poor, poor Heather is just sick of being nailed to the cross with LIES and she is ready to spend her whole life fighting to get the truth out there. Heather is like a cunty version of Fox Mulder. Better yet, she's this generation's Gandhi. There goes your fist....

Heather told her local paper in Brighton (via Yahoo!) that she can relate to Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Gandhi, because they were all attacked by H8rs while trying to truth-tell. The Kate Gosselin of the UK queefed, "They were people who went through controversy to put the truth forward and they weren't afraid to fight and I can relate to that completely."

Gandhi believed in non-violence, but I think he would agree that we can briefly put that belief on hold to whoop this trick's ass!

(Thanks Jayne)

If I should happen to drop dead in the next few seconds, I want the last words I have every typed to be: HEATHER MILLS IS A FUCKING CUNT. ... .......... I'm still alive. Although, I may not be so lucky the next time, because Heather Mills says that anybody who writes shit about her will become worm meat.

In an interview with The Observer (via Digital Spy), Heather queefed, "The truth always outs in the end - no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumour, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round."

I've been in Heather's cunty corner until she brought up the whole "karma" thing. Does Heather really want to hop there? If she really believes in that shit, why hasn't she been hit by a runaway bus in the middle of Abbey Road? Or lost a leg.... Oh, wait.

A few months ago, Heather Mills bought a popular sea kitten restaurant in East Sussex, England and fired all the bitches. Heather queefed that she was going to turn the place into a vegan restaurant. Well, the time has come! Heather opened V-Bites yesterday and the only rotten kipper in the joint is Heather herself!

You know, the name "V-Bites" sounds short for vagina bites. This makes sense since Heather's cunt does have teeth. Speaking of cunts.....

Heather's hair is just two snips and a taser attack away from looking just like Kate Gosselin's electrocuted possum head. Cunty cunts think alike! The Cuntress of the US and The Cuntress of the UK should really join forces and declare world domination. Two cunts are always better than one.

And because this post doesn't have enough of the "cunt" word....CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!

It's not even noon and the cunt word is already blasting in my head. It's going to be the best day ever. And I have to thank Heather Mills for that, because the cuntiest cunt who ever cunted is back to cunting some more!

The Daily Mail says that Heather has bought a sea kitten (fish to those who aren't fluent in crazy Peta talk) restaurant near her kingdom of evil in East Sussex, England. When Peggy Leggy gets done with it, she'll be the only dead fish in the joint since she plans to only serve grass and wet cardboard (aka vegan food). Heather also fired the entire staff. You know that made her stump pucker. Bitch probably turned of all the lights, put a flashlight to her face and declared, "You're all fireeeeeeed" and then laughed haughtily. She was planning to disappear all dramatic-like in a cloud of dry-ice, but her fake leg rotated a bit, so she had to hop away which killed her big exit.

Not only did the staff get fucked, but so did the owner. That's what he thinks anyway. Nick Short, the former owner, said Heather has been to the restaurant at least 20 times. She even came with Paul McCartney before he hated her. Heather told Nick to call her if he was ever interested in selling it. When he decided it was time, he rang her up and said he was trying to unload the popular joint for £255,000. Heather agreed. But true to her cunty nature, Heather changed the agreement a few months later. The new price Heather wanted to pay was £140,000. Heather blamed THE ECONOMY.

Nick told the Daily Mail, "I'd put off other buyers who were offering the full price thinking I had a deal with Heather. There was nowhere else I could go." Nick also doesn't think a vegan restaurant is going to swim very far in that neighborhood. Don't tell that to Heather, because if that joint is a success, she plans to open more worldwide.

It sounds to me like that Heather's restaurant doesn't have a leg to stand on. I give it two hot seconds. I give it one hot second before the locals unofficially name it Cunty McCunts with the help of a can of spray paint.