From The WHA? Files: Megan Fox And Michael Bay Are Reuniting For The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie (UPDATE)
On Michael Bay's driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay's laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he's producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:
TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family
The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.
Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn't say who Megan Fox is playing, but it's kind of obvious that she's going to be April O'Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.
The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:
UPDATE: She's playing April O'Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.
Megan Fox is definitely smoking the wrong stuff and she definitely smoked the wrong stuff with the dude who interviewed her for Esquire, because the entire article is crazy wrapped in a paperback copy of Dianetics wrapped in the DVD jacket for Jesus Camp.
The reincarnation of Plato (again, not Dana, the other one) opened her mouth and spat up about how she can't stop herself from talking in tongues and how she wishes she could spend all her time looking for ancient alien artifacts. Stephen Marche of Esquire starts the interview by comparing Megan Fox to an Aztec sacrifice and then describes her face as a "visual labyrinth" and "a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly." Can Megan and Stephen please tell the public what kind of herbs they were smoking, because I don't ever want those herbs in my bong. That sounds like the worst trip ever.
Before you start reading these insane pieces from Megan's interview, get yourself a spirit guide to take you through it safely. You're going to need one.
On how being famous is worse than being bullied in high school: "I don't think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don't realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you're being bullied by millions of people constantly."
On how she, the internet, fame and war might be the Four Whoresmen: "I've read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it's the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?"
On erasing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo: "I feel like I willed it be gone. They told me it was going to take six sessions and it's nearly gone in one. She wasn't powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn't reliable, who almost wasn't insurable.... She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I'm not interested in following in those footsteps."
On how she's a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues sometimes: "I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I've seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I'd have to shut it off because I don't know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.
It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I'm going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you're not thinking because you have no idea what you're saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can't control it. The idea is that it's a language that only God understands. It's the language that's spoken in heaven. It's called 'getting the Holy Ghost.' "
On how she'd rather be exploring the ruins of Israel than skipping around in her panties in movies: "I feel like there's stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy."
On how she thinks the movie Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston is a documentary: "I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people's imaginations.... We should all believe in leprechauns. I'm a believer.... You and I are humans, this is not all of it. This cannot be, because we are so disappointing.... Films don't hold the answers I'm looking for.... Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie? ... I believe in aliens.... I am childlike in my spirit, and I want to believe in fairy tales... Loch Ness monster — there's something to it.... There's the Bell Witch... What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities."
Megan Fox is a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and she believes in leprechauns, Bigfoot and ancient aliens who built civilizations? This might be the first time in history that Tommy Girl fingered his butt to something that a Pentecostal Christian woman has said. And the Alabama Leprechaun and Tim Peeler are fingering their butts right next to Tommy Girl.
And now thanks to Megan's mouth, Lindsay is going to tattoo "'Marilyn Monroe was like the Lindsay Lohan of her time.' - Megan Fox" on her forehead. Out of all the crazy things that came out of Megan's mouth, that was the craziest.
UPDATE - Megan Fox went on Facebook to clarify the shade she threw at Lindsay Lohan. Megan wrote:
In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.
Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that. I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.
"WERE gifted actresses...." I see what you did there, Megan.
In the previews for This Is 40, the only shots of Megan Fox show her in a bikini or in a bra, because the producers think that if Paul Rudd sitting on the toilet isn't going to sell that shit, then Megan Fox in a bra will. Megan Fox tells The Mirror (via DM) that you better stare long and hard at her chichis in a bikini, because that's probably the last time you'll ever see them on the big screen. Megan is somebody's mom now and feels like she has a moral responsibility to not embarrass her son by putting her tits on display. Mickey Rourke's favorite actress and my favorite philosopher said this about taking her clothes off for the cameras:
“It changes your perspective about being overly sexual in a film when you have a baby. I’m going to be more cautious about choosing films because I’m already thinking about when he’s in school and his friends are going to be showing him my photo shoots with me in a bikini and he’s going to be horrified. So that will deter me from making some of the choices I made before.”
Megan Fox washed Michael Bay's Ferrari in a bikini for her Transformers audition and she stripped down to her panties in Jennifer's Body, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Jonah Hex, Passion Play and Bad Boys II. What I'm getting at is that Megan Fox is obviously not hired for her body, but she's hired for her natural acting talent. Megan so doesn't have the acting skills of a plastic rutabaga. It's a damn shame that Megan is no longer going to take her clothes off in front of a camera. Because when Terrence Malick casts her opposite Daniel Day-Lewis in a big-screen version of the Shakespeare classic Macbeth, she's going to refuse to do the "out damn spot" scene in a bikini. And doing that scene in a bikini really would've made that moment come alive like it never has before.
But really, I'd rather some kids show me pictures from 10 years ago of my mom in a bikini than suffer the embarrassment of my mom picking me up from school while looking every shade of busted. In every school, there's always that one mom who picks her kid up with a plastic bag covering her rolled hair, torn sweats, stained house slippers and zit cream on her face. You know who you are and you know you ain't right for that.
Because every celebrity who just had a baby has to talk about how much weight she gained during pregnancy, Megan Fox talked about how much weight she gained during pregnancy:
"I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I'm still 10 pounds heavier, but I don't want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it's not a priority right now. I'm too in love with Noah and I don't want to be away from him. I just want to be home."
A whole 23 pounds. I'm pretty sure Jessica Simpson's pregnancy farts weigh more than 23 pounds.
And now for a memo from the desk of a douche...
Slapping the robot hand that feeds caviar and diamonds all started with Megan Fox who compared Michael Bay to Hitler and said a bunch of other ridiculous things about the movie franchise that made her millions of dollars. Then Shia LaDouche joined in on the Transformers hate. Then the other day, Hugo Weaving, who was the voice of Megatron, told Collider that the Transformers job was completely meaningless and was just a check. Here's a piece of what Hugo said:
That’s a weird job for me because it honestly was a two-hour voice job, initially. I was doing a play and I actually didn’t have time, anyway. It was one of the only things I’ve ever done where I had no knowledge of it, I didn’t care about it, I didn’t think about it. They wanted me to do it. In one way, I regret that bit. I don’t regret doing it, but I very rarely do something if it’s meaningless. It was meaningless to me, honestly. I don’t mean that in any nasty way. I did it. It was a two-hour voice job, while I was doing other things. Of course, it’s a massive film that’s made masses of money. I just happened to be the voice of one of the iconic villainous characters. But, my link to that and to Michael Bay is so minimal. I have never met him. I was never on set. I’ve seen his face on Skype. I know nothing about him, really. I just went in and did it.
I don't think what Hugo said is that bad. Hugo's basically saying a check is a check, but Michael Bay didn't like it at all. Michael Bay took a little time out from masturbating with nitroglycol on a stick of dynamite to write an open letter (which his ass has since deleted) to whiners like Shia, Megan and Hugo who are crying about having a job that pays a crap load.
Do you ever get sick of actors that make $15 million a picture, or even $200,000 for voiceover work that took a brisk one hour and 43 minutes to complete, and then complain about their jobs?
With all the problems facing our world today, do these grumbling thespians really think people reading the news actually care about trivial complaints that their job wasn’t “artistic enough” or “fulfilling enough”? [...] What happened to people who had integrity, who did a job, got paid for their hard work, and just smiled afterward? Be happy you even have a job — let alone a job that pays you more than 98% of the people in America.
I have a wonderful idea for all those whiners: They can give their “unhappy job money” to a wonderful Elephant Rescue. It’s the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Africa. I will match the funds they donate.
Hugo Weaving was Mitzi Del Bra, so he usually can do no wrong, but I hate him, Megan and Shia right now for making me agree with a pea-headed twat who thinks it's okay to wear an all-white, cotton and linen ensemble out in public. Can somebody please tell Michael Bay that wearing an outfit like that is only okay if you're a waiter at Diddy's white party, a Caribbean nurse or an orderly at a gay mental hospital. I hate them all for making me agree with Michael Bay.
That said, Michael needs to fist himself in the mouth for acting like he cares elephants. I'm sure that seconds after he finished watching Dumbo for the first time, he thought to himself that it would've been so much better if Dumbo exploded at the end.
No, Brian Austin Green's nostrils aren't inhaling two servings of Megan Fox's pregnancy farts. Brian Austin Green's facial expression dial is permanently stuck on "Snarling Bulldog."
The world's most prolific philosopher and Forever David Silver To Me never opened up their mouths to say that he put a Silver Baby in her Fox Womb, but they basically confirmed it with some completely natural and not-at-all staged pictures that weren't taken in front of a "tropical landscape" background at a Sears Portrait Studio. If anything, those pictures were TOO natural.
Well, when it came time for Brian Austin Green to lure his Silver Fox baby out of Megan Fox's uterus by singing an a capella version of "You're So Precious To Me," I didn't think they'd announce it since they are so private and all (insert rolling of eye here). I figured they'd just do what my 14-year-old cousin did. One day she told me she was just getting fat and the next day she had a newborn baby in her arms and I was like, OK! Megan didn't do that. Megan went on Facebook (via USWeekly) today to announce the birth of her first son and Brian Austin Green's second son.
We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect.
We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love.
Thanks to those of you who wish to send your positive energy and well wishes. May God bless you and your families abundantly.
Noah Shannon Green is lucky for 3 reasons:
1. Noah Shannon Green will have biceps on his eyes from constantly rolling his seeing balls while his mom mouth shits out her usual words of wisdom.
2. If Noah Shannon Green wants to be the star player of his Irish church's golf league, he already has the name for it.
3. Noah Shannon Green will inherit all of his father's hottest ensembles from the 90s. I hope Little NSG wears ensemble #6 to his first day at Harvard. (NSG's mother is the smartest woman in the world so he's skipping grade, junior and high school and going directly to graduate school!)
Before Steve Jones of Entertainment Tonight interviewed prolific philosopher and the new face of Sharper Image (???) Megan Fox, he was told to only talk to her about the exciting world of useless electronics you get the dad you're not really close to for Father's Day and to keep personal questions out of his mouth. But since Steve Jones is a real hardcore rebel and like the James Dean of entertainment journalism, he asked Megan about the rumor that she's got the spawn of David Silver leasing her womb. Steve's transition from talking about Bluetooth headsets to talking about babies is about as smooth as a wet fart on sandpaper. Megan tells him to bring it, but her publicist is not fucking around and cuts it short.
Maybe Megan's ass isn't ready to announce that shit or she's waiting to get a 5-figure check from Life & Style for the EXCLUSIVO announcement or whatever. But Steve's dumb ass shouldn't be asking her about that when there are more important questions to ask like what does Megan Fox have to do with Sharper Image. I mean, just like some of Sharper Image's products, Megan requires 4 AAA batteries, is mostly made of man-made material and gets clean with Windex wipes, but that's the only thing they have in common.
Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus!
Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine:
"They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first."
In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that!
While paparazzo Delbert Shaw took these pictures of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox in Hawaii two Decembers ago, he had no idea that he was about to get a beating courtesy of the douche weasel who poked out Donna Martin's cherry. Years of wearing the fugliest shirts Structure has to offer filled David Silver with a quiet rage and he unleashed it all over Delbert as Megan Fox cheered him off. That's what Delbert claims, anyway. TMZ says that in a lawsuit filed this morning in L.A., Delbert claims that Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox verbally assaulted his ass before issuing a beat down on him.
Delbert says that after BAG and Megan caught him taking pictures of them, they started yelling out all kinds of curse words at him. Shit got serious after Megan shouted at BAG, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" That was Brian's cue to jump on Delbert and punch him out. As BAG beat on Delbert, Megan kept egging him on. Once BAG finished smearing a pap, he stole Delbert's iPhone and threw it into the ocean.
BAG and Megan haven't responded to this mess yet. Delbert is of course suing for unspecified damages.
Who knew that Megan Fox was a chola leader?! Bitch not only ordered the hit, but she also stood there cheering BAG on as he whooped a trick. Let's call her La Gato Face. But seriously, I'm all for beating a ho when the situation calls for it (example: when your friend plays the new Justin Bieber song in the car without warning you first), but this is not one of those situations. Megan and BAG didn't handle it right. BAG should've sat the pap down at a table across from Megan Fox and made him listen to the nauseating words of shit wisdom that come pouring out of her mouth. It would've taken all of 6 seconds for Delbert to bang his head on the table until his brains started coming out of his nostrils. We've all been there after reading a Megan Fox quote. Why bust your fist into a pap's skull when you can let Megan Fox's words do it for you?
Just like Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks before her, prolific philosopher and fully functional mannequin Megan Fox claims that she was never labeled as "pretty" in high school and was a total loner. This would make sense to me if Megan also told us that she was home schooled and her only classmate was the most beautiful earth angel in the world Shauna Sand.
As you can see from Megan's high school picture above, she was a real ugly stick victim and any one of us would've called her Megan Dog as she went to eat her mayonnaise sandwich in the bathroom. Here's what Megan told Miami Magazine (via UsWeekly) about her unpretty days in high school:
I was never the pretty girl," the actress tells the March issue of MIAMI Magazine. Describing her teenage self as "abrasive" and "obnoxious," Fox, 25, says she felt like a "loner" growing up.
This ho right here needed to walk three steps in my British Knights to know what it really feels like to be voted Most Likely To Get A Job As Dr. Frankenstein's Doorman by your entire class. I can't feel a sowwy for Megan when in junior high school I had a pube bush on my head, dumbo ass ears and some jacked up teeth. I might have told this story before (since I have the memory of a dead fish and always repeat stories), but my history teacher once told the class that she was the ugliest girl in school. She said that she had a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. Scan to me sitting in the middle of the classroom with a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. That bitch. When the kids weren't calling me Michael Gay, they were calling me elephag. So I just can't with Megan.
I'm looking at Megan's yearbook picture and I see nothing unpretty about it. Megan's lip gloss is popping me in the eyes and those brows could easily win valedictorian of eyebrow situations. I don't know how Megan said that with a straight face. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. Megan said it with a straight face, because she can't move her face anymore.
Megan Fox in her natural state looks like a pore-less mannequin who uses liquefied plastic as a daily moisturizer, so there was no need for Armani to dull every tool in their Photoshop drawer on their new Christmas ads. Yes, CHRISTMAS. Whores are pushing us to buy Christmas gifts and some of us haven't even stuffed our moose knuckle-giving summer shorty shorts in the back of the closet yet. But what's even grosser than that is that they turned Megan into some sort of Voldemort Real Doll in a wig. Amber alert for that ho's nose! She's all nostrils. Maybe Armani knows something we don't know. Maybe they know that the aliens will take over our planet in a couple of months so they want them to feel at home with these ads.