Megan Fox

Megan Fox in her natural state looks like a pore-less mannequin who uses liquefied plastic as a daily moisturizer, so there was no need for Armani to dull every tool in their Photoshop drawer on their new Christmas ads. Yes, CHRISTMAS. Whores are pushing us to buy Christmas gifts and some of us haven't even stuffed our moose knuckle-giving summer shorty shorts in the back of the closet yet. But what's even grosser than that is that they turned Megan into some sort of Voldemort Real Doll in a wig. Amber alert for that ho's nose! She's all nostrils. Maybe Armani knows something we don't know. Maybe they know that the aliens will take over our planet in a couple of months so they want them to feel at home with these ads.

Welcome to another edition of "The Shit That Comes Out Of Megan Fox's Mouth Hole." The future Oscar ceremony sweat warmer and the reincarnation of Plato (not Dana, the other one) must have just come across Marilyn Monroe's Wikipedia page, because she tells Italian magazine Amica (via ONTD) that tattoo of Marilyn's face on her arm is queefing out negativity into her positive aura and so she's lasering it off. Sort of like how that fire roasted douchebag Michael Bay lasered Megan Fox's negative energy off of the Transformers movies. Megan adjusted the energy-cleansing dildo of burning sage in her ass and said this about her Marilyn tattoo:

"I’m removing it. It is a negative character. She suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar. I don’t want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life. And who knows? I’m thinking of removing some other tattoos, but the pain in the sessions of laser removal is terrible."

Bitch, that busted tattoo could say the same thing about you. In other words, bitch's facelift pushed the thin layer of bull shit out of her eyes and made her see that her tattoo looked more like a Blasian Beyonce impersonator in a dusty swap meet wig.

This is good news for the other hos in Marilyn's crypt since they can rest now that her body will stop rolling, but this is bad news for all of the casting agents of Hollywood. They can no longer use Megan's shattoo to hide the fact that they aren't casting her because her acting skills make a dried cat piss stain on a cardboard box seem like the Meryl Streep of its kind. The "we just don't have the make-up budget to cover up Megan's lovely tattoo...yeah, that's it" excuse is out of play. Damn, that Megan!

That being said, don't ever change, Professor Whore Face!

Megan Fox uploaded 4 pictures to her Facebook page yesterday and titled the album "THINGS YOU CAN'T DO WITH YOUR FACE WHEN YOU HAVE BOTOX" when she really should've titled it "4 FACIAL EXPRESSIONS YOU CAN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM MADE REAL DOLL."

I believe Megan Fox when burps out about how she doesn't fuck her forehead with a Botox needle. There's no need for her to frown and make her WTF forehead wrinkles look like a creepy skin rainbow of skinny labias. That is what the whirlpool into nightmares look like. There's no need for her to do that. There's also no need for Megan to post a bunch of head shots that make her look like Adrien Brody created her by splicing the DNA of Amanda Lepore, a hairless cat and alien blow-up doll. Megan is Botox free. If she had a list of ingredients printed on her ass cheek, collagen, silicone, alien cartilage and various feline parts would be on that list, but Botox wouldn't! We get it. No Botox. You win.

The CliffsNotes version of this post is: Bitch fucked up her face (without the help of Botox)!

This will come as no surprise to you sluts as this is the biggest DUH excuse given to your lovah when asked about humping on someone else’s fuck parts during a BREAK UP PERIOD, but supposedly the Fox was on hiatus from licking on her now husband Brian Austin Green when she supposedly waxed LaDouche's pocket monkey.

In response to an internet FRENZY, a nosy bitch-type (Megan texting via a prepaid ghetto phone) working on the set of the first two Transformer movies told US Weekly, “It was when Megan and Brian broke up, they had a 10-month break before getting back together.” Detective Latoya, please sit down.

On again off again relationships are somewhat familiar to me, so let me just clue you in on the five words that will save your ass in a pinch “WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!” You’re welcome (it doesn’t work).

Transformers 3: Rise of Michael Bay's Ego comes out this weekend and so you know what that means! It's that time when Shia LaBeouf gargles out a million dirty vagina by launching dozens of douche-laden nuggets off of his tongue. During an interview with Details Magazine, the Oedipus of douchebags threw Shiarrhea at Oliver Stone, embraced his assholeness and basically admitted that his dick tip once touched the philosophical poon of Megan Fox.

On if he's ever humped on Megan Fox: "Look, you're on the set for six months, with someone who's rooting to be attracted to you, and you're rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen."

On if she was with Brian Austin Green at the time: "I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. . . It was what it was."

On being an asshole: "I would like to be George Clooney– diplomatic. I just don't have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, 'I don't want to take a picture.' And if that's the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn't ask."

On Oliver Stone and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: "He's trying to play nice. But for a movie like Wall Street that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn't what people were looking for."

Maybe Shia licked on the blow hole of a half-deflated inner tube that he nicknamed Megan Fox, but I refuse to believe that his nuts ever swept across the land that David Silver conquered. Shia gave himself away when he said that we can see the chemistry onscreen. This just goes to show you that Shia permanently lives inside a bubble of delusion. I mean, human chemistry in a Transformers movie?! Crazy talk. The CGI Transformers had more chemistry with each other than Megan and Shia did. That's like a shellacked hemorrhoid having chemistry with a dehydrated crotch berry.

Shia almost sounds like me when I tell my friends that Mah Boo Anderson Cooper giggles at my jokes (when I really mean is that I recorded Mah Boo's giggle to my iPhone and play it whenever I make a joke).

I bet Shia's just tyring to make his mom jealous.

Not everyone appreciates the deep thoughts that ejaculate out of Megan Fox's brain and pass through a broken filter before trickling out of her mouth hole. File Steven Spielberg's name under the "not everyone" category.

Shia LaDouche recently said that Megan left the Transformers movies, because she's like Steinem Spice and she was sick of Michael Bay directing her like she was a Real Doll. But Michael Bay tells the Daily Mail that the real reason why Megan got fired is because she hailed her foot right into her damn mouth. Normally, the sight of Megan Fox tickling her tonsils with her toe nails would make a bitch like her, but not Steven Spielberg, who is the executive producers of that Transformers mess.

During an interview a couple of years ago, Professor Whore Face Einstein said that Michael Bay is a nightmare to work with and acts like Hitler when he gets on a movie set. That verbal shit nugget put Megan at the top of Shitler's List. Michael says, "You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said, fire her right now."

Since Transformers, Megan's career has consisted of Jonah Hex and an indie movie where she played a slutty angel who had to dry hump on Mickey Rourke's salmon jerky body. I know that Michael Bay is basically the Joe Francis of movie directors, but this version of The Fall of Megan Fox actually makes sense. Steven Spielberg is not the one to fuck with in Hollywood. Fuck with him and your name will become nothing but a faded skid mark on the dirty chonies of Hollywood. You'll be lucky to get a job as a fluffer in an afternoon burro show in a basement on the outskirts of Tijuana. Which would be a step up from Jonah Hex actually.

It's no surprise to hear that feminist icon and prolific philosopher Megan Fox had issues working with Michael Bay who seems like the type who has a hard time communication with women unless they're made out of cardboard. So what Shia LaDouche told the L.A. Times about Megan Fox leaving the Transformers franchise isn't exactly earth-shattering news, but the way he puts it is pretty hilarious.

Shia is basically saying that what Michael Bay looks for in an actress is a Real Doll who operates via voice command, because he's too busy finger banging his b-hole and jacking his peen over the explosive special effects to operate a remote control. And Megan Fox refuses to be treated like a piece of silicone ass.

“Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael, who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women.

Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s summer. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Fox] never got comfortable with it. This is a girl who was taken from complete obscurity and placed in a sex-driven role in front of the whole world and told she was the sexiest woman in America. And she had a hard time accepting it. When Mike would ask her to do specific things, there was no time for fluffy talk. We’re on the run. And the one thing Mike lacks is tact. There’s no time for [LaBeouf assumes a gentle voice] ‘I would like you to just arch your back 70 degrees.’

Rosie [Megan Fox's replacement] comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different."

There are so many subtle shank pokes at Michael worth noting, but I have to give all my attention to SPICE GIRL STRENGTH! Is Shia really using the Spice Girls as an example of feminism. He's right. I've always seen the lyrics to Wannabe as the official feminist oath. And I bet Shia thinks Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort is an icon for gay rights (which he totally is).

Shia brings up a good idea, though. Feminist and Armani panty model Megan Fox should totally join the Spice Girls, because I've always thought they would be so much better if they had a Smart Slut Spice.

This time last year, Mickey Rourke's forever soulmate Loki (R.I.P.) put in a reincarnation request up in heaven's administrative offices hoping that he will come back to earth as a psychiatrist who can give his former owner some much needed mental health help. Loki did this after Mickey said that Megan Fox is the best actress he's ever worked with. Those words numerically translate into 5150, so Loki had a good reason to freak out. But Loki can cancel that request and stay safe up in the cloud bosoms of heaven, because Mickey is taking that shit all back. Sort of. Mickey has come down from the high he got after inhaling the intoxicating words of wisdom that Megan's brain farts out from time to time.

At the after-party for Scream 4 the other night, Vulture asked Mickey about the movie he did with 50 Cent ("A really bad movie") and then Megan Fox's name came up. Mickey finally kept it real.

What about your movie with Megan Fox and Bill Murray?
"Terrible. Another terrible movie. But, you know, in your career and all the movies you make, you’re going to make dozens of terrible ones."

You called Megan Fox, like, one of the best actresses of all time.
"That I worked with [smirk]."

That movie’s getting limited release.
"That’s because it’s not very good."

I know a good movie we can talk about: your rugby movie.
"That’ll be a great movie. We start shooting February."

Okay, okay, so the head on Mickey's neck is still slightly stuck up Megan's culito, but I have a feeling he's slowly starting to pull out (UNCLENCH, MEGAN, UNCLENCH!). Maybe! Loki has hope! And speaking of hope, I HOPE that Mickey puts out his own movie review site called Rotten Mickeys where he rates his own movies, because he's good at that shit. Mickey doesn't even have to say anything. If one of his movies is terrible, he just has to make the dried salmon grouch face he's making in the picture above.

When Megan Fox crushed the vulnerable heart of a young boy by ignoring his "PLEASE LOVE ME" plea, he didn't crawl under his bottom bunk and permanently retire his dream of getting at least one celebrity to NOTICE HIM. Harvey Kindlon got back out there! The Daily Mail did a story on Harvey and he later got a picture with Lady CaCa.

But now that Harvey's a couple of years older, he's smoothed out his game. Harvey has cut his hair, bought a pair of pants, donated the peach shirt to a Camp Beverly Hills collector and is no longer looking like a Goonies extra. Harvey has even dropped the rose act. Harvey stalked Rachel McAdams the other night and he didn't even bring her a weed flower. Nothing. Rachel doesn't even know he's alive, but Harvey doesn't seem to mind. If he's about to shrivel into a dehydrated moth ball of lonely tears, he's doing a good job of masking that feeling with his facial expression. Just like an adult! Aw. Our little creeper is growing up!

The question mark is shoved into that headline, because in some pictures the most prolific prophet of our time Megan Fox looks like she was left behind on a deserted island by a banana party boat and is trying to figure out how to spell S.O.S. on the sand while her body slowly nibbles on the silicone in her titties for some kind of nourishment. And in other pictures, she looks like she's simply trying to piss in the ocean but the pap's lens is making her bladder all shy-like. Actually, some of you might be into that (I'm not here to judge) so mentally erase that question mark if that's the case.

And if Megan's double-spaced chichis don't do it for you, here's also some pictures of David Silver's bulge which would look a lot better in a Donna Martin Graduates thong.