Johnny Depp

Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this:

"You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!"

Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination.

Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS:

Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi.

Looking like he's had way too many Chemical Romances, Johnny Depp waves an acrylic prostate stabber in a new still from Tim Burton's Dark Shadows. I'm not sure if he looks like a white goth NeNe Leakes (it's the bangs and sharpened acrylic nail) to me or the love child that Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson should've had together. That shit is unclear. But what's crystal meth clear is that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are majority share holders in Hot Topic.

I know some grown ex-goths in their 30s who are going to break into their old high schools, fix their old records so it looks like they actually flunked and then re-enroll just so they can miserably stomp through the halls with a Dark Shadows t-shirt over their fishnet top and a Dark Shadows lunchbox in their hand. All bought at Hot Topic, of course. It's a GOTHSPIRACY!

via USA Today

Radar started digging a grave in the Hollywood Relationship Cemetery for Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's relationship a couple of weeks ago when they reported that V and J are no longer rubbing their greasy, dirty, cheese-covered parts on each other. (What's really sad is that when Vanessa and Johnny rub on each other, their bodies churn out a gourmet ball of French American cheese jelly that is best enjoyed on a slice of stale bread with a glass of red table wine.) Well, People Magazine just jumped into their tractor and dug a bigger hole in VaJohnny's grave, because they say on their cover this week that the love between Vanessa and Johnny is flatlining.

People's sources say that Vanessa, Johnny and and their two chirruns used to live a simple family life in a small town in the South of France. You know, they'd skip around in berets all day and then spend their evenings baking baguettes on the wood burning fireplace in their 18th century chateau while reciting the works of famous French poet Pepe Le Pew. Charming shit like that. But not anymore. The family spends most of their time in L.A. now and Johnny and Vanessa are hardly ever together. People doesn't really spit any details on their website (you have to flip through it at Barnes & Noble if you want to know more), but their source says that after 14 years, it's all but done.

People Magazine is usually the voice of the publicist, so when they go rogue, it has to be true. This doesn't really leave me with the sads inside. The bar on Hollywood relationships is so low that Lucifer is using it as a butt dildo, so 14 years is FOREVER in Hollywood years. It does kind of suck, though, that the image of Johnny sticking his tip into Vanessa's ultra wide teeth gap is no longer relevant. Vanessa's nights are so not going to be the same without hearing Johnny give her that dirty talk like, "Tell me you want me to finger that gap, pute!"

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's 14 year long relationship has lived through a movie shoot with St. Angie Jolie, dick wandering rumors and his various degrees of hotness, so every whore expected them to last forever. Well, I guess forever in Hollywood years is 14, because Radar is putting all their chips on Vanessa and Johnny joining the Another One Bites A Dust Club of 2012. Their source is trying to say that the love between VaJohnny is slipping away the same way a ho does when they walk behind Johnny as he shakes out the greasy mop of oily locks on his head.

The source's story is that Vanessa and Johnny are verbally brawling all the time and he's pretty much over it. The source puts it like this: "Johnny isn't handling anything well right now. People around him are worried about how Johnny is doing because he and Vanessa seem so fractured right now. Their relationship is heading toward the end. Johnny has started reaching out to lawyers, probably to quietly discuss how to get out of the relationship. They're not married but they've been together for years and have kids together so it isn't as easy as just breaking up."

Johnny is a drunk doucheweasel sometimes (who isn't?) and his mouth diarrheas up the stupid on a regular basis (whose mouth doesn't?), but I'm still going to snort all of this up with a grain of salt. Like I said above, Johnny's relationship survived through the home-killing tornado that whirls out of St. Angie's hypnotic vagina. If Johnny and Vanessa can survive that, they can survive anything. So yeah, VaJohnny is going to last till the end of eternity. Oh wait. I think I'm getting Johnny's true loves mixed up again. What I really meant to type is that Johnny and Tim Burton's love is going to last till the end of eternity. There, that's better.

It's not often that Johnny Derp shows up to the premiere of a movie that wasn't farted out from the mind of Tim Burton, so he celebrated this rare and special occasion by wearing the same suit he always wears to every event and then he brushed his middle part mop with one of those fish bone combs from Heathcliff like he always does! The world is changing, but one thing that will never change is that somewhere at any point in time is Johnny Depp looking like a beach hobo who dressed up in a Boardwalk Empire costume to play the nutshell game with tourists in Atlantic City for gin money. Or like my Salvadoran uncle leaving a Chess King circa 1987.

Here's more of Johnny, Aaron Eckhart and Blake Johanasson (born name: Amber Heard) at the L.A. premiere of The Rum Diary last night. Since my brain hasn't evolved past the age of 11, I like to call it The Rum Diarrhea (that should be a drink!).

Before hitting play, you might want turn your speakers all the way down or staple your ear flaps to your face, because the dramatic ass paparazzo screeching out "You dropped Johnny!" til his tonsils fell off could wake a Lohan from her drunk coma.

Fresh off of pissing people off with his rape comment, Johnny Depp took on the drunk celebrity obstacle course in Hollywood as he left some restaurant called 25 Degrees the other night. Johnny made it out the door (1 point), scribbled out an autograph (2 points), got bro hugged to the ground by some Gallagher looking ho (-3 points), got back up (3 points) and then kept on signing his name like his nalgas just didn't eat sidewalk (20 points!!!!). You can't keep a drunk Johnny down! But the most impressive part of Johnny Herp Derp's tanked bitch stroll to the SUV is that not once did he shove his BIC down that pap's mouth to stop the fake scream madness. If there's such a thing as beer goggles, there must be such a thing as beer plugs and Johnny definitely has them shoved in his ear holes.

Johnny eventually got into his SUV and showed everyone he was okay by doing the heroin tap and the fisting an imaginary asshole salute! And no, I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't John Mayer.

via Gossip Cop

Yesterday, some hos felt that Johnny Depp's hotness drowned in the stupid streams of shit fuckery that poured out of his unfiltered mouth hole when he said that getting his hair blown out, getting his face covered in make-up and getting a thirty thousand dollar suit strapped to his body for a magazine photo shoot was just like getting RAPED! And yes, Whoopi, he meant rape rape.

This shit nugget out of Johnny's mouth caused some photographer's to slip a condom over their lenses before taking his picture and to also get it in writing that the photo shoot is consensual so he can't press charges against them for sexually violating him with a flash. It also caused RAINN, the country's largest anti-sexual violence organization, to issue a statement saying that they were disappointed with Johnny's comments. So what's a Johnny to do?! Say he's saaaareeeeee, of course. Johnny pushed out this apology to Fox News this morning:

“I am truly sorry for offending anyone in any way. I never meant to. It was a poor choice of words on my part in an effort to explain a feeling. I understand there is no comparison and I am very regretful. In an effort to correct my lack of judgment, please accept my heartfelt apology.”

To be fair, Johnny's Vanity Fair photo shoot was shot by Terry Richardson so there's a good chance he was actually raped. But seriously, everybody should take Johnny's apology even though he felt up his heart to pull it out. But one thing we shouldn't take is the fact that in that cover Johnny looks like a bloated butchie who works part-time as a bar back at a gypsy lesbian bar to pay for his addiction to Internet-bought Botox. No.

You might think that Johnny Depp is having a million laughs in this photo shoot, sipping on the sweet nectar and sucking on a cigar, but nope. Johnny's got a counselor waiting in his dressing room and a nurse with a rape kit standing by, because he tells Vanity Fair (via Page Six) that posing in front of a camera makes him like he's being sexually violated. Paging Kristen Stewart. Paging Kristen Stewart. Please escort Johnny Depp to the registration office of the Think Before You Open Your Fuck Ass Mouth School of Public Speaking.

Johnny said that photo shoots are to him what hydrangeas are to Madge and they just make him feel dumb and stupid. Like rape! You know, because rape makes you feel dumb and stupid. Johnny is a regular Detective Olivia Fucking Benson.

Here's the comment that made Johnny's publicist take a hammer to the BlackBerry the media calls them on while using their other BlackBerry to tell his accountant to cut a check for a victims of rape foundation STAT!

“Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped ... It feels like a kind of weird -- just weird, man. [I'll pose with fans], but whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like -- you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.”

And Johnny also said this:

"Basically, if they’re going to pay me the stupid money right now, I’m going to take it. I have to. I mean, it’s not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it’s for my kids. It’s ridiculous, yeah, yeah. But ultimately is it for me? No. No. It’s for the kids.”

But back to the rape comment. What a mess. Yes, posing in a photo shoot to promote a movie that you were paid millions to make is SUCH TORTURE! But guess what, Johnny? Unlike rape, you actually get to choose whether or not you want to pose in a three thousand dollar suit in a magazine photo shoot. No REALLY means no when it comes to that shit. So Johnny should just stay away from a magazine's camera so he doesn't feel like he just had a lunch date with Roman Polanski. That way the magazine will have no choice but to publish old pictures of him when he was in the prime of his hotness. It's a win/win for us all.

P.S. - Terry Richardson took that picture. Do what you will with that information.

If you need to know "What IT is?" before answering my question then we can't sit at the same table anymore, because I only associate myself with shameless whore sluts who sit on the face and ask questions later. But since you really need to know, here's Johnny Depp in complete Barnabas Collins drag on the set of the new Tim Burton's Dark Shadows that is only being made so they can make millions upon millions of dollars off of Goth teens by selling t-shirts and plastic lunchboxes of this mess at Hot Topic. NO! They're really making this, because Tim Burton owns majority stock in the company that produces that white cream make-up shit that he slathers on Johnny Depp's face in every one of his movies. Duh.

And yes, Johnny looks like Madge as Michael Jackson, but I still would. It's not like Johnny's peen is covered in vampire cream and decorated with Liza Minnelli sideburns made from black construction paper. Actually, it probably is since Johnny is really fucking method.

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.

Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.