Johnny Depp

Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....

As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!

The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).

And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.

ATMs everywhere give Nicolas Cage the side-eye whenever he strolls up, because they know he's on his way to the poor house. Nicolas' checking account is coming up short thanks to buying stupid ass crap like real shrunken heads, a $500,000 car and two King Cobras. Nicolas Cage is a walking E! True Hollywood Story: MC Hammer.

Since Nicolas needs a check I was waiting for him to announce that he's the new Cash4Gold spokeswhore, but he doesn't have to do that now. With a friend like Johnny Depp, Nicolas doesn't have to peddle that ass to the highest bidder.

A source told The Daily Express that when Johnny Depp learned that Nicolas owed almost $7 million in unpaid taxes, he stuck his hand out for his old friend. You know, if Johnny Depp offered me a hand, my ass lips would be kissing his palm faster than you could scream, "CALL 911!" I digress.

Johnny feels that he owes Nicolas everything since he's the reason why he got Nightmare on Elm Street. Nicolas introduced Johnny to his agent and the rest history.

The source went on to say, “Johnny called Nic and basically told him not to worry and he’d help him and sort everything out. Johnny feels he owes his career to Nic and now wants to repay him – if Nic agrees. Johnny has never forgotten what Nic did for him.”

Johnny Depp is a wonderful man with a penis of gold, but he needs to put his checkbook away. Nicolas Cage did this shit to himself by buying useless crap like King Tut's nutsack and Cleopatra's clit. It's called EBAY, Nicolas! Shit, I'm sure Nicolas' own son, Kal-El Coppola Cage, would give him a few million dollars to legally change his name to something that doesn't make people shake their heads out of pity.

Johnny Depp is currently in talks to star opposite St. Angie in The Tourist. Variety (via Coming Soon) is saying that Sam Worthington was supposed to pucker up to Angie Jo on screen, but he has dropped out over "creative differences." Basically, Sam couldn't come up with a creative way to make his ass more famous, so the producers decided to go with Depp instead.

In the movie, Johnny will play an American tourist "drawn into a web of intrigue by a female Interpol agent (Jolie) who is attempting to locate a criminal who was once her lover."

The Tourist has already seen a shit load of changes. Tommy Girl was originally attached to the title role for a while. When he bounced, Charlize Theron came in. When Charlize quit that bitch, St. Angie jumped on. Alfonso Cuaron is also in talks to take over directing duties from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. CONFUSING.

While I'm sure many bitches must be cooking massive amounts of panty pudding over this union, I bet you Vanessa Paradis is not one of those hos.

St. Angie's vagina must be itching to strike again and Johnny Depp is THAT BITCH. If I was Vanessa, I'd shove Johnny's peen in my gap and keep it there for the entire length of the shoot. Let the writers figure out a way to explain that shit, because I would not let that wang out of my sight.

Down the Rabbit Hole could also be a working title (later changed to Down the Gerbil Hole) for Richard Gere's biography. But this isn't about Richard Gere, this is about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Here is the teaser trailer and it looks like it should've been called Johnny Depp in Carrot Top Land (with a stop off in Elijiah Wood-ville). I mean, it looks like the Mad Hatter is the true star of this CGI bukkake party. Alice who?

And even though Johnny has HoHan's puss whiskers over his eyes, I'd still hit it. Honestly, how does have that kind of power over genitals?!

Who cares if Johnny Depp has enough jelly in his hair to keep KY in business for years! Who cares if his teefs look like the star of a Parkay commercial! Who cares! Just rub your fuck parts on his hair and 21 Jump Street his ass! I have no fucking clue what "21 Jump Street his ass" actually means, but it sounded hot in my brains. Go with it.

Here's Johnny yearning for a little love from Dawn at the premiere of Public Enemies in Los Angeles yesterday.

Here's three official pictures of Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham Carter (as the Queen of Hearts) and Anne Hathaway (as the White Queen) from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. All three of these pictures can easily get prime real estate at the Museum of Exquisite Eyebrow Art. My own eyebrows are bowing down.

It looks like the picture that leaked last year of Johnny as the Mad Hatter was pretty much spot on. Johnny still looks like the acid baby of Elijah Wood and Carrot Top. And in this picture, you can clearly see that Tim Burton took weave brows to a whole new level! Johnny's flame brows are taking me higher! If Andy Rooney didn't get his bush brows trimmed by his barber every week, they would look just like this.

What is Helena Bonham Carter's chola name, because homegirl looks like she has razors in her hair and hickeys underneath her collar. Baby Heart Girl? La Rojo Whisper?

Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."

Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!

I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.

And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!

This is apparently Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland."

It's like Tim Burton took Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Ichabod Crane, threw them all into a Cuisinart, added a sprinkle of Ziggy Stardust, a zest of Helena Bonham Carter and pressed pulse.

Tim Burton must have stock in Johnson & Johnson, because the bitches in his movies are always covered in Baby Powder. I pray that the Crackie of Camden never stumbles onto the London set of this movie, because she will try to cut up and snort everyone!

You know, this is exactly how I expected Johnny as Burton's Mad Hatter to look. I was hoping Tim Burton would do something different and make Johnny do the whole movie completely naked. Well, naked except for a floppy top hat, of course. Now that's what I call art!

And yes, I'd still hit it. If I blink my eyes really fast, Johnny kind of looks like Carrot Top in Geisha make-up and that's always been a fantasy of mine.

VIA Coming Soon

Don't expect Johnny Depp to return your phone calls anytime soon, because he's going to be tied up for a while. And not tied up in the way you've fantasized about over and over again. The pimps at Disney have announced that Johnny will star in 3 films for them. Depp is officially a Disney whore! He's also the only Disney whore I want to see half-naked on MySpace.

Johnny is currently shooting Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" for Tim Burton. He plays the Mad Hatter opposite Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee/Tweedledum. The film will combine performance-capture imagery with live-action shit. Tim is also shooting it in 3-D.

Okay, Tim owes it to the world to add a full nude scene featuring the Mad Hatter. Seeing Depp's peen in 3-D has become my newest mission in life.

After Johnny finishes "Alice," he will move on to "The Long (typo, but it stays) Ranger" and "Pirates of the Caribbean 4." Obviously, he'll be playing Jack Sparrow again in the latter. In "The Lone Ranger," he'll play Tonto and not the title role.

Okay, Disney owes it to the world (for bringing Miley Cyrus into our lives) to cast Rodrigo Santoro as The Lone Ranger and add a sex scene. Oh and that shit should be shot in 3-D too. I mean, it makes sense. Tonto and The Lone Ranger always wanted to do dirty sex to each other.