Mug Shots

Lindsay Lohan is one flash closer to dethroning Khia as the mug shot queen (and also one flash closer to becoming the new Faces of Meth timeline) thanks to this glamour portrait she posed for yesterday afternoon after Judge Stephanie Sautner took back her probation again and ordered her into a pair of handcuffs (which I hope she stole and stashed in her chonies to sell on eBay later). This is the sixth (the fifth one we've seen) picture of pride that is sitting inside of a frame on White Oprah's mantel. I have to say this isn't LiLo's best work in front of the mug shot camera. You can give better mug shot, bitch!

The good news is that somebody took a Baby Wipe and some Desitin to those diarrhea streaks that were scooted on her cheeks. The bad news is that this is some Who Ya Gonna Call? shit. Bitch looks like she should have one of those red NO symbols over her for several reasons. It's like Lurch time warped into the early 80s for some good coke. One cheek is stepping to the left and the other cheek is stepping to the right.

Meanwhile, as soon as LiLo stomped on the floor of the courthouse, out came a pussy-kicking roach who ran straight to the media to give his expert opinion on why his daughter's teeth look like she's rinsing her mouth out with the water from a broken toilet in a rest stop bathroom. Michael Lohan said this to Jane Velez-Mitchell on her HLN (via Radar) show yesterday:

“She’s an addict, she doesn’t care and she’s in denial. She’s smoking either crack or meth, either one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. I want her in a treatment program for a year. Nothing is going to change in her life. She’s going to be appearing before judges in the future if she doesn’t get help, instead of doing community service in the morgue she’s going to wind up in the morgue."

I'm not one to defend LiLo's dumb bitch crack antics, but if I had a father who looked like the dried foreskin from a turtle's dick and couldn't stop opening his trash hole to the media about what a fucked up mess I am, I would permanently move into a sauna that only puffed out crack smoke. Oh, fuck me in the think hole, I just gave LiLo an idea.

That little blank space on Khia's mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for "concealing/endangering property-secured interest." Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia's gremlin brows while she's at it.

Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:

You never thought you'd see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.

Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia's Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it's first grade picture day or some shit.

When you willingly choose Flo Rida as your stage name, you are just opening your arms wide and embracing the spirit of fresh foolery. It's like letting fuckery put its open palm on your forehead and bless you.

Radar reports that Flo Rida (born name: Tramar Dillard) sang "clink can't handle me now" all the way to the police station in Miami early this morning after he was caught driving his $1.7 million Bugatti while under the influence of the sweet nectar. Anybody who isn't tanked themselves can look at Flo Rida's mug shot and know that he's drunk from the bottom up, so the police breathalyzed his ass a quick minute after they pulled him over. Flo Rida tried to convince the cops that he could drive himself home, but it was game over as soon as he blew a .185%. It was double game over when the cops found out that his drivers license was taken away last month.

Flo Rida has since paid his $2,000 bail and was released.

Dr. Obvious says that if you can afford payments on a $1.7 million car, then you can afford to take a cab home. This Fark Tag motherfucker with fetus toes for earlobes, I can't. I've always said that fools who paint on their hairlines and geometry test beards with a protractor and a black marker (not a Sharpie) are no good.

26-year-old Randon Reid was arrested in Deer Valley, Arizona this past weekend and it wasn't for scaring the public by making a "Beavis on the wrong kind of crack" face. Randon was arrested after he shot at a private plane at Deer Valley Airport. At least, police say he fired at a private plane, but Randon would probably tell you that he shot at a flying dinosaur who stole his stash of smile powder. I mean, that is definitely a face that meth and coke built together.

MyFoxPhoenix says that Randon drove away after the solo shootout, but the cops got a good look at his license plate number and later arrested him at his home. Randon was booked on aggravated DUI and felony flight charges. And Randon was obviously happy about this shit, which is why he's smiling like a piranha staring at dangling feet.

The most disturbing part is that my kindergarten picture is almost identical to this meth (I meant to type "mess" but "meth" makes more sense) of a mug shot. Yeah, in kindergarten, nobody taught me that when it comes to smiling, less is less crazy looking.

Out of all the things that Flavor Flav could be arrested for (examples: overpopulating the world, smothering his teeth with gold foil, introducing humanity to New York, motorboating Gitte with his chin on camera, etc...) the cops busted him for in Las Vegas on Friday night for not paying traffic tickets! How the fallen have opened up a trap door and fallen even further.

The Las Vegas Sun reports that when cops pulled Foofy Foofy (born name: William Jonathan Drayton) over, they typed in his name and up came a bunch of outstanding warrants for parking violations and driving without a license. Foofy was booked and asked to pose for this beauty shot, which if ran through a word translator would come out looking like this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is what it looks like if the elder sea turtle of the sea smoked a fat joint and then devoured an entire pack of Jell-O pudding. That close-mouthed Bill Cosby smile gives away the fact that Foofy licked up every drop of pudding.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, hide yo weed, hide yo blunts! The sweetest seahorse of Alabama was put into handcuffs early this morning by cops who should be using their time to track down bed snatchers instead. TMZ reports that one of the original viral superstar sensations Antoine Dodson was pulled over in Alabama by the Huntsville PD who searched him and found marijuana. 'Toine was charged with speeding, failing to have insurance and misdemeanor marijuana possession. 'Toine was released a second later and he's already out there snatching smoke out of a bong with his mouth, because he could use a hit or two.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Let this be a lesson to all of us. When you go out into the world with an illegal drop of the good shit on your person, make sure whatever is on top of your head is looking mug shot ready fresh. Learn from Antoine's mistakes, you don't want to look like a Goofy-ized version of Willow Smith. Antoine doesn't have a thick layer of SAD across his face because he got arrested for some "you are really dumb fo' real" shit. He's weepy, because that sad wave on his head is playing a warped and busted version of "Whip My Hair." The Hunstville PD needs to do right by 'Toine and let him come back for "Do-Over Mug Shot Day."

Just hours before Nicolas Cage threw out a dare the cops couldn't refuse, he was shooting scenes for his new movie Medallion in Jackson Square. Don't get me wrong, Nicolas Cage should be thrown into a jail cell for abusing our senses with his acting skills, but maybe this picture explains why he was on the belligerent side of drunk. If you had to work with an actress who would come in first place in the Miss Justin Bieber lookalike contest, you too would eat the hell out of Jack Daniels to wash away the Bieber's image. On the other hand, you too would get stupid drunk if you had to stare at Nicolas' face all day, so I'm sure Miss Justine here is sitting next to him in the clink. They can't escape their nightmares!

And here's Nicolas Cage's contribution to the world of WTF celebrity mug shots:

Shit looks like somebody's technically dumb daddy trying to Skype in an Apple Store.

The LAPD didn't release Xtina's mug shot because they didn't charge her with anything, but those sneaky hos at E! News captured her beauty portrait on an officer's report and what a sad, sad mess it is. Poor trashed ho looks like an albino Snooki that was just fished out of the jacuzzi after almost drowning from trying to give head underwater. It's like a morning shift hooker's mug shot after getting caught in a raid. But I'm going to put all the blame on the evil officers for this one.

How can they click their camera without letting Xtina decorate her face like a clown's ass?! They could've let the bitch put her beauty on with a red Sharpie, crumbled pieces of a Butterfinger from the vending machine and generic petroleum jelly. Look at Snookitinas' nose. It's getting all swole up, because its pores hasn't eaten lead-laced bronzer in the past 3 hours. ABUSE!

Anyway, below is Xtina's boyfriend Matthew Rutler throwing a smirk and then leaving the station after getting charged with DUI. That is definitely a smirk that says: "My sugar bitch is going to pay my bail so whatever."

Willie Nelson looks like a big meanie just snatched a joint out of his hand, because they did! This mug shot was taken shortly after Border Patrol in Texas caught Willie with six ounces of weed over the weekend. Willie was charged with a misdemeanor and freed on $2,500 bail, but TMZ says that it's far from over. Texas doesn't ever play around so there's a chance they could stick Willie's old ass behind bars for more than 2 years. It's a good thing Dolly Parton can hide a double bowl bong, 4 marijuana plants, a lighter wand, a food dehydrator and a heat lamp in her titty canyon.

A criminal defense attorney who practices in Austin tells TMZ that there's a good chance Willie could get sentenced to a minimum of 6 months and a maximum of 2 years in the chokey. The director of NORML, an L.A. based marijuana law reform organization, thinks Willie should tell the jury that he bought the good shit in California (where medical weed is legal) and forgot it was on the bus.

If Willie Nelson is jailed for 2 years, every single marijuana plant will shrivel and dry up from intense heartbreak. Then all of us will have to spend the good part of our day blowing good shit smoke towards Texas hoping that Willie gets contact high by sticking his mouth out of the tiny jail house window. Err. Since I put it that way. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all....

Here's professional mug shot taker Lindsay Lohan's latest. White Oprah will soon have enough for a calendar, or lamented placements!

via Splash