The View

Some hos who really know me know that nothing takes me higher like a highly important story about butt burps, so a few emails with the subject "WHOOPI JUST FARTED ON THE VIEW" farted their way into my inbox after I watched Whoopee ALLEGEDLY let out a loud air kiss through her asshole. But I need to see receipts! Unless Whoopi's got a mic clipped to her anus lips (very possible) or her butt boom traveled all the way to her mic, I don't think we'd able to hear her fart that clearly. It looks to me like Whoopi was about to ask Claire Danes a question when her lips got twisted and made a BRAARRGHGHGH noise. Then Whoopi played it off like it came out of her ass. The View's spokeswhore said that it was just joke and Whoopi only pretended it came from her. How low can Whoopi go?! Bitch is asslip-synching now? If we can't trust Whoopi to give us an authentic fart, how can we trust her at all?

That said, that fart-like sound was way more interesting than anything that has come out of Elisabeth Hasselcrack's mouth, so they should just play that sound every time she talks.

And if you need me, I'll be making room on my living room shelf for all the Pulitzer Prizes I'm going to get for this post. More like Pullmyfingeritzer Prizes.

via HuffPoot

Last year on his show, Bill Maher joked that we should send Elisabeth Hasselbeck to Egypt in exchange for Lara Logan, the CBS News reporter who was raped there. Cut to this morning on The View, Elisabeth picked out the bone shoved up her ass and tried to slap Bill's hands with it for offending her so. Elisabeth kept yapping and yapping like yorkie trying to jump on the bed and she finally whined Bill into sort of admitting that he shouldn't have said what he said.

If the sound of Elisabeth's voice makes you feel like tiny Satans are fucking you in the ear holes with their curling iron dicks, then read the transcript instead:

EH: I just want to go back to a time that bothered me for not my own personal reason, but just for women. So forgive this idiotic Republican for bringing this to your brilliant mind, but in February of last year, Lara Logan, as you recall, was in Egypt and she was brutally attacked by a mob there. She came back and said, "Their hands raping me over and over again, tearing my body in every direction, trying to tear off chunks of my skull. I was in no doubt in the process of dying." Prior to her coming back, Bill, you on your show said, "Now that Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane immediately. In exchange, we'll send Elisabeth Hasselbeck."

Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EH: Now that's fine if you want to laugh, but I make it my job and my profession.... I sit with incredible comedians and the best in the business in terms of broadcasting. You can't tell me I'm wrong when I say that, err, wasn't that funny.

BM: Well, we do a comedy show for an audience that's perhaps different than your audience and you are a public figure. It was not aimed at you personally, but when you're a public figure you're out there for fodder for comedians to make comments on you.

EH: Do you draw the line ever?

BM: I do draw the line, but I also live on the line. I do a different kind of show. I'm on HBO. That's my stock and trade. You do something different.

Joy: We walk the ledge. You know, it's not easy. You make a joke, sometimes people's feelings get hurt and then they attack us back and we have to....

BM: What you have to know is somebody has to be out on the edge to know where the edge is.

EH: Oh, thanks for being the hero. Would you say that again?

BM: If I knew I was coming here and knew I had to spend my entire segment talking about it, no, I wouldn't.

A little later on after talking about politics shit....

EH: Wow, I actually feel smarter sitting next to you.

BM: Really? I feel like I'm in high school when I'm sitting next to you.

Bill Maher puts the smug in smug, but Elisabeth is as irritating as wiping your ass with a porcupine. Instead of calmly telling Bill that his rape joke wasn't not funny, she had to mean girl him by throwing out her stupid wise cracks. I want to punch my monitor for showing me this, I want to punch my eyes for watching this and I want to punch my ears for listening to her insufferable whine of death.

But I still can't sit on Team Maher, so I'm going to temporarily sit on Team Whoopi instead. When two swollen assholes are blowing cold air at each other, just sit very still and pray they don't see you. Or maybe she's sitting still, because her brain got paralyzed by all the ridiculousness.

via Gossip Cop

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she's this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she's not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic "awesome' when she finds out she'll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she's just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn't like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn't get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara's ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky's corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That's the truth!

Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?

Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn't know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don't know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)

Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack's asshole made it impossible for her to do the "stealing your men, and taking over your companies" strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:

But I can't stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit's memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!

And no comment about Sherri "The German" Shepherd as Grace Jones.

It's been much too long since we've had a violent hen pecking explosion from The View, so here's a clip from this morning's show of Whoopi Goldberg's and Joy Behar's veins popping out of their bodies to strangle Bill O'Reilly after he said that "Muslims killed us on 9/11."

Whoopi and Joy had to take their asses backstage to chew on a piece of metal held by an assistant (the assistant knew this was coming) so they wouldn't try to chew out Bill's vocal cords with their bare teefs. While they were off doing that, Barbara Walters gently slapped them in the hands with a ruler for storming out of an interview. I fucking love it when Barbara Walters turns into a schoolmarm. More of this!

But in more important news, why does Sherri Shepherd think it's okay to steal Wilma Flinstone's hairdo?

Yabba-Dabba Don't, bitch! But I do appreciate the "Just STFU" side-eye she's throwing at Hasselcrack.

Michaele Salahi (Pronounced: FAME WHORE), the spotlight fucker who crashed a White House party last year, is one of The Real Housewives of DC and she went on The View yesterday to promote that shit. In addition to promoting the show, Michaele also continued to promote what a true dumbass she is.

During some stupid fight between the housewives, Whoopi Goldberg showed up from backstage, nudged Michaele and said to her, "Excuse me, can we get back to the White House, please?" After the segment finished taping, Michaele told one of the producers that Whoopi hit her ass. When this got back to Whoopi, she lifted up her pilgrim skirt and flew towards Michaele to curse her out. Whoopi admits to throwing a tornado full of fuck words at Michaele for lying about getting hit.

On The View this morning, Whoopi admitted to filling Michaele's ears with beautiful fuck words and showed a clip of what really happened. Whoopi also says she will not crash Michaele's front door with an "I'm So Sowwy" basket. Clip from Jezebel:

The Salahi's lawyer Lisa Bloom tells The Daily Beast that they are still waiting for an apology from The View for calling them party crashers and saying they should be in jail. Lisa Bloom released this statement:

“I think they treated her horribly. I think they defamed her. I was really shocked by the way she was treated. It’s one thing to ask tough questions, it’s another to use defamatory language when you’ve been warned not to.”

Instead of nudging Michaele, Whoopi should've pulled that whole ugly chair down and cackled as that bitch crashed into the floor. The audience would've started shouting, "WHOOPI THAT TRICK! WHOOPI THAT TRICK!" That beautiful moment would've won them a dozen Emmys.

I hope Bravo has a camera on Michaele when Whoopi's best friend Mel Gibson calls her. In a total twist that will rock Mel's mind, Michaele will say "Okay, what's your address?" when he tells her to blow him before the Jacuzzi.

But more importantly, is it just me or does Whoopi Goldberg sometimes remind you of a butch Antoine Merriweather from Men on Film?

Because Maury was booked for the week, President Obama decided to open the gate and feed the crazy hens on The View this morning. Obama said that he chose to go on The View, because it's one of the shows Michelle actually watches. But I'd like to think that Obama went on The View just to fuck with Hasselcrack.

Obviously, they talked about boring political stuff...blah...blah...blah...but then they got to the highly important news that American is really concerned with. They brought up a cokeyhead and an overcooked Ewok! Obama admitted that he knows Lindsay Lohan is locked up, but he took a page out of Mimi's Lisa Frank notebook when he said he nevah heard of Snooki.

You lieeeeeee! It was just a couple of months ago when Obama brought up Snooki's name during a speech. Yes, obviously one of his speech writers threw her name in there, but even if Obama knows who Snooki is he should never admit it. Never admit to knowing what a Snooki is. Even Willy Wonka turns his head the other way when he passes Snooki in the hallway at his factory.

But seriously, I'm sure Obama and Snooki will laugh about this when he names her Secretary of Fuckery in a couple of years.

via Jezebel

Whoopi Goldberg's dreads almost caught on fire and shot out of her scalp on The View this morning when she went off at the bitches who are terrorizing the receptionist at her office with hate-filled calls that only Mel Gibson would approve of. The calls are coming in, because Whoopi defended Mel on The View the other day by saying that he's a personal friend of hers and she doesn't think he's a racist racist.

Whoopi said that if the bloggers and "people sitting at home trying to find stuff to do" (aka the people who watch her show) would've paid attention to her original rant, they would've heard that she never condoned his behavior. Whoopi then put on her annoying Valley Girl voice and joked that she must be a racist too, because she regularly curses out hos (example: you white bleep or you black bleep, etc...) who fuck with her.

I wish the camera would've panned to Hasselcrack and Sherri Shepherd at that exact moment, because they were probably beaming out of every single one of their orifices. For once they weren't the ones wearing the "Crazy Dumb Bitch" cap.

And if Whoopi's receptionist is tired of being called a "cunt whore bitch" by the haters, then she can forward those calls to me. I'm into it. It would be nice to hear it from someone who isn't a bill collector.....or one of my relatives.

It's been a while since I've posted a henpecking fight on The View, so here's one from this morning. Hasselcrack, Whoopi and Joy argued about where the 9/11 terrorist trial should be held. Hasselcrack thinks that it should take place at a Survivor tribal council (or something like that). You know, I have to agree with her on this one, because it's not an official decision until Jeff Probst announces it.

That being said, it's hard for me to completely focus on what Hasselcrack is squawking about when she's wearing a toddler's clown dress that would look much better on Raggedy Anne.

Sofia Vergara was on The View today and they got to talking about how young she looks for having an 18-year-old son. Sofia joked that she had him when she was 13 after she was raped (in real-life Sofia's son is 17 and she had him when she was 20).

Now, usually when the word "rape" comes up on daytime TV, the lights go down, the studio audience is shuttled out the exit door and Diane Sawyer comes out to ask some "serious" questions. But most The View hens and the audience just laughed away. Well, all of them except for Whoopi Goldberg, who was probably thinking to herself, "But was it RAPE-RAPE?"

via Jezebel