Baby Names

Heidi Klum's crotch will no longer be in the shadow of her enormous belly, because she finally birthed one of those baby things early this morning. Heidi's crotch can finally get some sun. Yipeee.

Radar says that Heidi and Seal's second baby friend (her third) has a vagina and they named her Lou Samuel.

You know, I didn't smack my lips or rotate my eyes when reading that name, so it's fine by me. I actually like old man names for little girls. Think about it. A girl in a pink dress and pig tails with the name Horrice, Angus or Clarence is pretty damn adorable.....if you're stoned.

However, I'm not sure if it works with boys too. We should put it to the test. The first one of you who pops out a boy, better name him Bertha or Myrtle. Tell me how that goes.

Poppin' babies is the theme of September, so Ellen Pompeo joined the club by having her own a few days ago in Los Angeles. Ellen's rep tells UsWeekly that she had a baby girl on September 15th named Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery.

Stella Luna is Ellen and Chris Ivery's first child together.

Stellaluna is also the name of a kiddie book about a bat who is raised by birds. Xtina's bat baby future soulmate was just born!

Not only is Stellaluna the name of a cartoon bat with crack eyes and an uncontrollable tongue, but it also sounds like the name of a light beer. I approve.

That giant oaf of a man Tom Brady burped out that his wife Gis Bundchen is currently housing a baby in her midlands section. Tom told ESPN (via People) that Gis will evict their baby sometime in December. This is Tom confirming the rumor from May about Gis being knocked up.

Tom said, "The women are the ones who have to do the work. We just have to be there to support them and so it'll be nice to do that." Well, be there to support them on every day but Sunday. Tom agreed to go to Lamaze classes with Gis, but told her, "No Sundays! It couldn't be harder than training camp, so I'll be prepared."

And Gis should get a lawyer to write up what her idea of "support" is, because methinks Tom's idea is very different. When Bridge Moynahan was knocked up, Tom supported her by riding Gis bareback. So, the more you know, Gis.....

Here's some pictures from last month of Gis bouncing around Boston while hiding her OMGSOHUGENORMOUS bump from the paps. It looks like she's carrying a fetus in her lips instead of in her belly area.

Right now at a hospital room in the Los Angeles area, a newborn baby is desperately trying to crawl back into Nicole Richie's vagina after hearing what she has named him. People reports that Nicole and Joel Madden welcomed a baby boy early this morning and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Yes, this just confirms that doing massive amounts of the bad shit will eff up your brains for life!

Sparrow James Midnight Madden joins 19-month-old Harlow Winter Kate Madden as the newest member of the Our Parents Hate Us Club (The Madden Branch).

Nicole and Joel issued this statement that sounds like it was written by Edgar Allen Poe's ass lips: "In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes."

Okay, okay, his name isn't that bad (Yes, it is). If I was still a 15-year-old faux goth kid on ecstasy, I'd completely be into Nicole Richie giving her baby a name that sounds like an Urban Decay nail polish color.

Jennifer Hudson, who never officially came out and shouted "I'VE GOT A BABEH IN MY WOMB," gave birth to a baby friend yesterday evening. E! says that JHud's new baby is a boy and weighed in at in at 7 pounds, 14 ounces. JHud's new baby was named after his father. No, his name isn't Punk From I Love New York Jr., they named him David Daniel Otunga Jr.

This is JHud and Punk's first baby. They are planning to get married sometime this year.

Congrats to JHud, Punk and David Jr.! When David Jr. has settled in, he should meet Captain Maddox at the gate to begin training with the child army. It won't be long now before they take over the world and make us all their prisoners.

That's because Elisabeth Hasselcrack is going on maternity leave after queefing a baby out yesterday afternoon in New York. UsWeekly says that Elisabeth and her husband Tim now have a baby boy they named Isaiah Timothy. Isaiah is the third Hasselbeck child after 4-year-old Grace and 20-month-old Tyler.

Congratulations to Whoopi and Joy on their ears getting a little vacation from Elisabeth's hyena screeching. I hope that while Elisabeth is off annoying her newborn baby, The View saves some money IN THIS ECONOMY and replace her ass on the cheap with one of these choices: a bobble head doll that melted in the sun, Ann Coulter's strap-on or a janky boombox playing a warped tape of Glenn Beck's amazing "GET OFF MY PHONE" rant.

And you know that Isaiah's first order of business is to learn how to use a phone so that he can call a lawyer and get those emancipation papers going.

Molly Ringwald, or "the ginge from that old movie about detention" for those of you born after 1990, had matching baby friends on Friday in Los Angeles. Molly made the twin babies with her hot piece husband, Panio Gianopoulos. They join 5-year-old sister Mathilda Ereni.

NOW FOR THE NAMES! Unfortunately, she didn't name 'em Duckie and Grandma Helen. Molly's spokeswhore told UsWeekly that she named the girl twin Adele Georgiana and the boy twin Roman Stylianos.

You know Bobby Trendy (Government name: Raymond John Muro) is going to punch himself in the taint for not coming up with the name "Roman Stylianos" for himself. Roman Stylianos sounds like the name of faaaaabulous fictional fashion designer on Ugly Betty. Yes, I know it's a Greek name. Don't throw Feta at me!

It's been pretty quiet on the "Over the Moon" front and I was beginning to think that maybe that horrific phrase slide back into the mouth of Satan where it belongs forever. No, it's alive and it's made a comeback thanks to stupid asses SJP and Matthew Broderick. And you thought moon jumping was only for cows! Damn them.

As some of your asses may know, SJP and Matthew's surrogate gave birth to twinsies last night and now we know their names!

"Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are delighted to announce the healthy arrival of their two daughters. Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick weighed 5 pounds, 11 ounces, and Tabitha Hodge Broderick weighed 6 pounds. Both Hodge and Elwell are family names on Parker's side. The babies are doing beautifully and the entire family is over the moon."

Based on those names, I'm guessing the surrogate gave birth to twin crotchety old memaws who sit on their porch all day yelling at the neighborhood kids for trampling all over their petunias. BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT for real! Those names smell like boiled prunes, corn starch and Polident.

Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge are probably OVER for their parents for giving them a couple of names that only belong on a social security check.

VIA E! News

Don't ask me why I was such a huge Wilson Phillips fangay when I was a kid in the early 90s. They were like the greatest thing to me. None of my friends understood, but their moms did. I remember singing along with one of my friends' mothers to "Impulsive." I even choreographed a dance number to it and showed it off to her on the driveway of her house. And I wonder why the other kids threw sand at me whenever I passed them in the playground.

Because I had such a strange fascination with Chyna, Carnie Asada and that other one, I still get excited whenever I see one of their names pop up anywhere. Carnie Asada's name is making the rounds today, because she had a BABEH!!!!!!!

UsWeekly says that Carnie and her totally heterosexual husband Rob Bonfigilio welcomed a new baby girl into this miserable world on Friday in Los Angeles. Carnie and Rob named her Luciana Bella. They also have a 4-year-old daughter named Lola Sofia.

Luciana Bell and Lola Sofia? Did Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey name them? Spoiler Alert: Teresa is totally going to name her next kid Luciana Bella Lola Sofia.

Congratulations to Carnie and her husband (HE LOVES VAGINA). After bonging and boozing tonight, I will try to perform my Ballet de Impulsive in her honor.

My eyes were hoping to read that "Rhynstone Sara Lee Hounsou" is the name of Kimodo Dragon's baby, but she has disappointed me. Kimora and Djimon actually gave their baby a cute name (or maybe I've had too much Sanka this afternoon). Page Six says their 4-day-old son has been named Kenzo Lee Hounsou.

They named him after fashion designer Kenzo Takada. Kenzo is Kimodo's third kid. She has two daughters with Russell Simmons, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee.

Kenzo, Ming and Aoki? Get out the spandex, alert Hello Kitty and roll out the synthesizer, because they will soon be the world's newest J-Pop sensation.