Baby Names

Peaches Geldof and her husband Sherri from The Simpsons Tom Cohen are somebody's parents again. Peaches had a scheduled C-section on April 24th, her late mother's birthday, and I'm assuming that the doctor reached into her body and pulled out a tiny black lady with a donkey booty and a side-eye like no other.

A source tells The Sun that Peaches birthed out her second son and she and 1979 era Shelley Duvall her husband decided to name him:

PHAEDRA!!!!!!!!

The source says that they chose the name "Phaedra," because it's the name of an album by her favorite band Tangerine Dream. Peaches and Tom's other kid is named Astala, so when Phaedra and Astala get older, they can start a new age electronic band together and only sing songs about the constellation and Greek myths. Phaedra and Astala will headline Coachella 2033. Trust this.

The source also said that Peaches and Tom were "over the moon" and I'm going to ignore that violation against humanity, because they named their son PHAEDRA! Peaches can be all hipstery and pretend like she named her kid after an album by her favorite band, but I know the truth. She's a down low RHoA watcher and Phaedra is her idol. That makes me like Peaches just a little bit. I can't wait for Baby Phaedra to look at Peaches and spit out his first words, "You didn't send for me, but I still came for you."

Or maybe that headline should be: Well, Now We Know What Kristen Bell And Dax Shepard's Favorite Division Of Ford Motors Is.

Nine months ago, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made a baby together while watching sloth porn (I'm guessing) and now that baby is here. Both Kristen and Dax tweeted the news today and slipped out the name they wrote on their first daughter's birth certificate. Unfortunately, they didn't write the name Slotherina Kickstarter.

Lincoln Bell Shepard. My brain has been sitting on that name for a good 40 minutes and I still don't know what to think about it. When I say the name "Lincoln Bell Shepard" out loud, it feels like I'm taking attendance. Those are three last names! They should've named her Liberty Bell or Ringa Mai Bell. Missed opportunity.

Dax and Kristen are kind of crazy, so I'm guessing that they decided a long time ago to name their kid after the character the Oscar winner for Best Actor played. Lincoln should feel lucky, because if Hugh Jackman won, her name would've been Jean Valjean Bell Shepard.

via People

UsWeekly (via HL) says that Duchess Kate and Prince William have already picked out a full name for the fetus royale that is baking in her womb. Duchess Kate and Prince William haven't confirmed that they're having a girl in July, but some source says that they are having a girl and they already know what name they're going to write down on the royal birth announcement scroll. Unfortunately for Morrissey, they aren't going with his personal choice for a name: Princess Scroungina Welfarelle of Wales. Right now, they call their fetus "little grape," but when she's born they're going to call her Elizabeth Diana Carole. 

Queen Elizabeth will knock the crowns off their heads with her pocket book if they don't name the future queen after her, so that's why they're naming their daughter Elizabeth. Elizabeth is also Kate's mother's middle name. They chose Carole as a second middle name, because Kate's mom is named Carole and Carole is also the Latin variation of the name Charles. Her first middle name will be Diana for obvious reasons.

BOOOO! Boring and basic name, but what did we expect? Elizabeth, Diana and Carole sound like the top 3 most popular girl names of 1956. There goes my dream of those bitches naming their kid Harryella Waity of Wales. And I can't be the only one who saw the name "Diana Carole" and figured that Kate and William's favorite Dynasty character is Dominique Deveraux.

Holly Madison should've swallowed her entire supply of placenta pills before naming her daughter, because maybe those placenta pills would've cleared the cotton candy dust and unicorn farts from her head. Holly tells E! that she and her dude Pasquale Rotella have named their newborn baby girl (tip: you better take some E and blast some trance music into your ears if you really want to feel the name):

RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA!

Oh wait, that doesn't seem right. Let me try that again. Holly and Pasquale named their daughter:

RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA! 

There that's how her name was meant to be typed. So yeah, Holly tells E! that she named her daughter Rainbow Aurora, because there was a girl in her school named Rainbow and she always loved that name. This makes since Holly went to Care Bear Academy. Holly probably gave her kid the middle name Aurora, because Aurora is her favorite Disney princess.

Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer. Actually, since I put it that way, I think I like that messed up name. It speaks to me. It's beyond gay and beyond gay is always good. Raise your glow sticks high, Rainbow Aurora.

Jessica Simpson's body doesn't look like it's storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she's got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn't naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they're writing on the birf certificate is:

ACE JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!!

The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they're going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.

When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase "champion penis." Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.

And here's Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).

Just 7 months after birthing out her first kid Astala, Rotten Peaches Geldof told Hello Magazine (via The Sun) that another baby moved up into her womb 3 and a half months ago. Well, when you're Peaches Geldof, what else is there to do? One half of the day is spent prying your kid off of the sidewalk and the other half is spent squeezing a baby batter load out of your man. You can't blame Peaches, because if your husband looked like a middle-aged Eurasian lesbian who teaches women's studies at Vassar, you too would constantly ride that shit until a baby popped out.

Peaches is already telling the world what she's having and she and her piece Thomas Cohen have already picked out a name. They're going to name that poor kid PHAEDRA PHAE.DRA.

"It's a name that comes from an ancient Greek play. But it also features in a song Tom and I both love called Some Velvet Morning by Lee Hazlewood. Finding out I was pregnant again so soon was quite a shock. Tom was so happy. He loves being a dad so much and is brilliant with Astala, who totally adores him, so he was over the moon. I, on the other hand, did have a momentary panic and go, 'Oh my God, we're going to have a one-year-old and a one-month-old! How will we cope?' But Tom was so supportive and relaxed, it banished my doubts and I started imagining the two boys growing up together as the best of friends. It will be great for Astala to have Phaedra to play with."

Never mind Peaches' obvious Over the Moon violation, bitch is naming a boy Phaedra. There's only one way to express my feelings on Peaches naming her son PHAEDRA:

Yes, that name deserves Phaedra Parks' signature side-to-side eye roll. And here's some pictures of Baby Astala. I know, Peaches' coat looks so shiny and luscious in those pictures.

As the last drops from Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid geyser continues to sprinkle on L.A., some people are wondering (not really) why she and that Eric Johnson dude came up with the name Maxwell Drew for a girl. They didn't name their 10 pounds of baby after Maxwell Caulfield and Drew Barrymore, or Maxwell House and Dr. Drew, or Maxwell Sheffield and Drew Lachey. "Maxwell Drew" elegantly rolls off the tongue like a Chicken McNugget half chewed up by Jessica, but they have a good reason for why they gave their daughter that name. It's a family names!

Rumor Fix says that Maxwell is Eric's middle name and his mom's before marriage name. Drew is Jessica's mother's before marriage name. Rumor Fix also says that the name Maxwell means "great stream" and the name Drew means "manly." Put those names together and you've got a real urinal cake breaker! That name meaning shit doesn't mean anything anyway. My first name means "who is like God" and my middle name means "Jehovah increases." Some shit got lost in translation somewhere, because that should really be "who is like Trash" and "Bitterness increases."

Well, now you know the meaning of Maxwell Drew, so you can sleep through the night without waking up to spit at Jessica and Eric for achieving new levels of dumb by coming up with that baby name.

The whole "using your mom's maiden name as your kid's first name" thing is not some shit most people can do, right? I like my mom's maiden name (Note: I will get a tree branch slap to the mouth from my abuelita if I don't type that), but if I named my kid that, it would have a permanent side-eye and it would learn how to flip me off real quick.

Levi Johnston's brain is made of dried moose shit and his decision making skills are as broke as the condom he wore during his first time with Bristol, but you'd think he'd try to be considerate when it comes to giving his unborn daughter a name she has to live with until she's old enough to crawl to the courthouse to change it. But nope! Levi is still trashier and dumber than ever. Levi and the trick he knocked up, Sunny Oglesby, tell Inside Edition (via HuffPo) that they have decided to give their daughter the name of a morning shift cocktail waitress at a strip club/gun shop (or the name of the villain's mistress in a low-budget Bond parody starring Tom Selleck). The name they are writing on her birth certificate is:

BREEZE BERETTA JOHNSTON!!!!!

A name that makes you think of Chris Breezy and Robert Blake at the same time is not a name you should give to an innocent child you're supposed to have love for.

Breeze isn't that bad. Yes, it sounds like the name of a Glade scent you'd use to mask your poop fumes, but it also sounds like the name of a member of a 1970s hippie cult commune that bases its teachings on the album Free to be...You and Me. I can deal with that. But BERETTA!? Beretta isn't a family name either. Sunny and Levi say that they are naming her after the gun. A mess. Why didn't they just go all the way with this foolery? Why didn't they name her God Fart Glock or Queefah Rifle?

And Sunny also told Inside Edition the romantic tale of how Breeze Beretta was conceived:

"We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."

I guess Breeze Beretta's fucked up name is the least of her problems....

These pictures of Jeremy Sisto having a special "let's play 'Suck and Blow'" moment with a panting ball of fluff are almost three years old, but it's never too late to get eye servings of dogs and beards. And the blank look in that dog's eyes might best express your feelings about what Jeremy named his 8-day-old son.

Jeremy and his wife Addie Lane named their 2-year-old daughter CHARLIE-BALLERINA, so you know they're walking hand-in-hand with fuckery. Addie gave birth to a boy on March 14th, but it too a good minute for the name to come to them as they dropped acid while watching The Neverending Story. Jeremy Tweeted (via People) his son's name last night and this is what they came up with:

BASTIAN KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reading that name might make you feel the same way Cher felt when Elton left her all alone in a Circus World parking lot in the Valley: confused, scared and feeling hot in an Alaia. Maybe it's because I have a soft spot (a really soft spot, a "go to an anus specialist because it's starting to make gushy sounds when you walk" kind of soft spot) for crazy Billy Chenowith, but I sort of like that name. It's totally fucked up. It sounds like the name of a Sebastian from The Little Mermaid-inspired cocktail made with crab juice and hot sauce. It also sounds like the name of a hipster band from rural Canada whose claim to fame is getting one of their songs on an episode of the new 90210. But more importantly....

Bastian Kick is the name of the martial arts move Bastian Kick will lay down on his parents when he realizes they named him Bastian Kick.

After going through what seemed like the gestation period of a damn elephant, the latest heir to the bitchface throne slid out of MiserAlba on Saturday and threw the doctor a shank eye of death that made him slap himself. As JustInItForTheCash Warren day dreamed about how he's going to spend the extra weekly allowance his wife is going to give him for training their newest baby on how to scowl for every paps' lens, MiserAlba announced the news on Facebook yesterday. Oh, and pretty much announced that she watches a lot of Syfy and is going to destroy the letter H the same way the Kuntdashians have destroyed the letter K.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you're enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Honor & Haven?! Tell me that doesn't sound like the names of graphic novel characters who crime fight at night and then work as day-shift taxi dancers at a club where 90% of the proceeds go to a women's shelter. Speaking of women's shelter, if you told me that Haven Garner is the name of a halfway house for runaway teens that Jennifer Garner founded because she needed another tax write-off, I wouldn't waste a keystroke by saying you were lying.