CHERYL BURKE

It's back to the janitor's closet for CHERYL BURKE! Mop Head and her partner Maurice Greene were given the heave-HO on "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. It was a bittersweet moment for me. Yes, CHERYL BURKE is my arch rival and she makes my hair hurt, but she's the only one that got any emotion out of me. When I watch CHERYL BURKE sweep the floor with her mop head, I have to sit on my fists (not in the nasty way) to keep them from punching my TV. I HATE HER.

CHERYL BURKE does that to me, but at least she does something! The other boring ass bitches put me to sleep. It's like Ambien, Sominex, Nytol and Lunesta dancing around out there.

Whenever Brooke Burke prances around, I just get up and go pluck my nose hairs, because I know the judges are going to queef over her. And when the other three start their sleep dances, I get myself a big cup of Sleepytime tea and cuddle under a soft blanket, because I know I'm about to drift out to dreamland.

At least with Maurice and Mop Head gone, I don't have to hear that "chicken dinner" shit anymore!

It's a good thing La Lucci got out of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" when she did, because if she stayed, she would be laid up in a full body cast right now. CHERYL BURKE has struck again! First it was Misty, then Brooke, then Julianne, then Lacey, and now Kym Johnson! According to TMZ, Kym, who is Warren Sapp's partner, busted her shoulder during rehearsals and it may require surgery. I wonder how those marbles got there!

However, Mop Head hasn't completely sabotaged Kym, because she will dance tonight! They need to seriously put an army of Swiffers around the dancefloor when Kym performs, because Mop Head won't go near that shit!

The dudes better star wearing Dirt Devils around their necks as protection from the mop headed witch, because they're next!

Does Spanx not make nude color tights? That black shit on Kim KardASSIAN's legs are not acceptable and Lynda Carter queefs on them! That killed her whole Wonder Whore outfit for me. Well, that and the bottom of her costume looks like a politically themed Depends diaper from the back. I think she also had an invisible plane with her, but her ass gobbled it up.

My arch rival CHERYL BURKE disappoints me. This was her chance to dress as a slutty wet vac or a slutty Swiffer, but she chooses this busted crap instead?! Is she some kind of slutty army mop?

Here's a few more pictures of Kim and CHERYL BURKE celebrating Whoreoween last night with Kim's mommy. I think she's dressed as a horny and menopausal Soviet soldier with a sweaty pit problem.

Lacey Schwimmer (right), Lance Bass' (left) partner on "Dancing with the Has-Beens," told The Insider yesterday that she's been diagnosed with endometriosis, the same condition Julianne Hough has. Julianne had to go to surgery for it yesterday. Julianne said she'll be back to dancing in a couple of weeks.

Lacey said she only went to the doctor after realizing she had the same symptoms as Julianne. Lacey's doctors told her yesterday, so she called up The Insider and gave them the news! According to Lacey, she's in the early stages of the condition and won't have to go to surgery, but she is taking medication for it.

It will be business as usual for Lacey and she'll be dancing next week.

CHERYL BURKE is on a rampage! It's funny that Lacey and Lance were the front-runners this week and now this happens! Mop Head has to go before Susan Lucci breaks one of her nails or something! Seriously, if La Lucci breaks a nail, she won't be able to dance. She's fragile. We need to grab our Swiffers and form a prayer circle around La Lucci to keep her safe!

Julianne Hough went to the hospital last week for stomach issues and it turns out she has Endometriosis and needs to get her appendix taken out. CHERYL BURKE'S diabolical plan to rid the female competition must be uncovered! If you opened up her closet, you'd find hundreds of mop heads along with voodoo dolls of all the chicks from DWTS! I just knew she was some sort of evil voodoo trailer witch.

The lovely Julianne will have her appendix removed today. Keep CHERYL BURKE away from the operating table! She's going to try and steal Julianne's appendix to use it for some kind of voodoo soup!

The Mop Witch can't keep Julianne down for long. During last night's show, she said “Everything’s okay. I’m going to hopefully be back, if everything goes as planned, next week.”

Edyta Sliwinska will fill in as Cody's partner while Julianne eats the Jello in the hospital and gets better. Edyta, stay away from any kind of "soup" Mop Head might offer you!

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Thanks Vendicare

My extreme hate for CROCS knows no bounds, so when these evil things were brought to my attention, my eyeballs immediately queefed. I just had to share my pain with you.

I thought regular CROCS were something awful, but this fuggery is on a whole different level. I don't know how long they've been making CROCS Winter boots, but production must be stopped immediately! I don't give an eff if they feel like thousands of fluffy Persian kittens cuddling at your legs. They look like dried vomit chunks on a log made out of pink diarrhea. These things don't belong in stores or on feet. They belong locked away in the depths of Hell. Wait....I just realized how I'm going to spend eternity. Fuck.

When I finally meet my maker, Satan, and he opens the door to the suite where my soul will rest forever, the room will be covered in CROCS from top to bottom. Then I'm going to glance over and see an autographed picture of my arch rival CHERL BURKE in a CROCS frame, sitting on a CROCS table, next time to my CROCS bed.

Speaking of Mop Head, here she is in front of her beautiful blue house in Los Angeles yesterday.

Once again, my arch rival CHERYL BURKE'S weight is up for discussion again. A little while ago Mop Head was crying about how H8RS were calling her meanie mean names like fat ass and chunk butt. A few "Dancing with the Has-Been" cast members came to her defense. Don't include Louis van Amstel and oh-so-sexy Maksim Chmerkovskiy in that group. They think both CHERYL BURKE and Lacey Schwimmer need to stop eating cake frosting out of the container.

Maksim had this to say about Mop Head and Lacey: "When I first saw these women this season, I said, 'Guys, you know the camera adds 10 pounds. You have to do something about this."

This obviously didn't stop Maksim from holding hands with Mop Head! Maybe he loves a little cushion for the pushin'. Shit. Pass me that jar of frosting.

Louis agrees and added that everyone gained some chunk because there was no summer tour. However, he thinks they have some kind of responsibility to be skinny. He said: "[People] look at this show to be inspired and think, 'If I just work hard enough, I can look like that. "If they watch someone who's dancing her butt off and she's still heavy, they can be discouraged."

PEOPLE! We are losing sight of the real issue here! Who cares if these two are fatty-bo-batties or not! The real issue is that Mop Head is sabotaging all the females on DWTS! Mop Head probably promised Maksim and Louis that she would clean their bathroom floors with her hair if they said those things. Their words have temporarily taken the spotlight off of her scheming ways!

Mop Head, you won't get away with this! I have my eye on you and I'm not taking it off for any.....wait....did somebody say jar of frosting? Mmmm.....frosting....

After last night's taping of "Dancing with the Has-Beens," Julianne Hough was taken to Cedars after complaining about stomach pains. Mormon baby alert! Or maybe, Mormon diarrhea alert!

Julianne's spokesbitch tells People that she was feeling the pains all day and decided to get that shit checked out. Only Cedars knows how to pop a doody bubble the right way.

Misty fucks herself up and has to leave the show. Brooke messed up her ankle and now Julianne has a wonky stomach? Hmmmm.....CHERYL BURKE is more diabolical than I thought! She ruined Misty's chances, because she couldn't stand to see her with Maksim. Then she went after Brooke and Julianne because they are the frontrunners! This is just like "Showgirls." SHOWMOPHEADS.

It's funny that all these fragile young whores are dropping like flies, but Crazy Memaw Cloris is still standing. And you know CHERYL BURKE has already tried to spike her Metamucil with failed results. Those young bitches are weaklings. This just proves the fact that they don't make them like they used to.

Brooke Burke jacked up her foot yesterday while rehearsing with her peen-loving "Dancing with the Has-Beens" partner Derek Hough. She probably tripped on his twinkle dust.

A spokeswhore for ABC tells People that Brooke put ice on her shit as soon as she was injured. They drove her ass to the hospital just to be safe. The docs said her foot isn't broken, but they did say that her partner does love sweaty balls in his mouth.

Brooke only suffered a slight bruise and she will dance tonight!

This is the third injury of the season. Misty had to drop out after she effed her shit up.

The injury was obviously meant for CHERL BURKE, not Brooke Burke. The message must have gotten lost in translation. Actually, Cheryl probably had something to do with Brooke and Misty's injuries. The Mop Head plays dirty and will do anything to win! Someone put the A-Team on Cloris. Mop Head is going after her next!

My arch rival CHERYL BURKE did something new with her mop head for her 70s themed dance with Maurice Green on "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. The bitch can tease, AquaNet or fry that shit, it's still a mop head underneath! Even Maurice is looking at her like, "Damn. I want to mop my bathroom floor with this ho's head."

CHERYL BURKE'S fried mop head kind of gross me out, because you know that's what her natural chocha weeds look like.

Unfortunately, I think Cheryl and her electrocuted mop head are going to stay tonight. I think Smirnoff Ice and Rocco are going to dance their asses off this shit show tonight. Rocco dances the way I used to when I was trying to act straight in the 6th grade (HA!). Rocco's extremely gay on the inside and trying so hard not to be. You can tell he felt extra fancy in that blouse he was wearing last night. I screamed at the TV, "Dance, girl! Dance your homo heart out!" But Rocco didn't hear me, because he was still as stiff as an erect 8-inch dick. Clip below (skip to 2:45):