CHERYL BURKE

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).

Grab everything in your refrigerator's produce bin and bust your ass to Broadway, because Mop Head is going to clean up the stage in Chicago. A smashed tomato will look so lovely all over her head. WHAT?! She can easily clean it up just by wringing her hair out over a bucket.

People is saying that my arch rival (in my head) CHERYL BURKE was at last night's of performance of Chicago and is talking to the producers about playing Roxie Hart in the show this winter. Some source added, “It’s always been a dream of Cheryl’s to perform on Broadway. She’s excited to show off her other talents besides being a good dancer. She’s been vocally trained and she has a great voice.”

And I've been told that my farts have a pretty vibrato, but that doesn't mean my asshole should play Roxie Hart in Chicago. Okay, okay, I'll save my cuntified comments for when I actually hear Mop Head belt one out. Although, my guess is that her voice will cause my finger nails to burst and my ears to shrivel up, so it might be a little difficult sharing my opinion. Besides, everyone knows that when it comes to household cleaning supplies, Swiffer is the one with the voice!

(Thanks to ONTD)

CHERYL BURKE'S black magic voodoo spells have backfired yet again! People reports that her partner Tom Delay will announce on tonight's episode of Dancing with Faces from the Milk Carton that he has to quit that shit due to foot injuries. Tom suffered stress fractures in both of his hooves after Mop Head accidentally sat on them during rehearsals. I made that last part up.

On last night's episode, Tom said that the doctors and producers urged him to stop dancing, but he loves torturing Mop Head (and us) so he said he was going to go on with the "party."

But the pain of seeing Mop Head's face on a daily basis has become unbearable, so Tom has no choice but to bow out. More importantly, Mop Head HAS LOST! I will be dancing around in my living room with my Swiffer while she eats her sorrows away at the craft service table. That table doesn't know what's coming.

And here's Tom and Mop Head's final performance from last night. Your stomach should be happy too since it won't get seizures anymore while having to watch Tom thrust it like a Bill Clinton.

Last night's premiere of Dancing with the Sores was filled with your basic shit like: fake smiles, clenched nalgas, whack toupees (nod to Donny Osmond), meth mugs (nod to Aaron Carter) and limp wrists (nod to Mark Dacascos). That's until my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and her partner former house majority leader Tom DeLay took to the dancefloor. This performance should be used by the Jigsaw Killer to slowly torture his victims. Seriously, when it was done, my ass was bleeding and my hand was reaching for the phone to call 911.

The hilarious embarrassed look on Mop Head's face wasn't even enough to help me shake the image of Tom DeLay thrusting his booty hole, mugging to Bruno and popping that crotch. And the fact that Mop Head was thrusting right next to him made it all the more terrifying. How did this get past the FCC?! I'd rather be attacked by a million of Janet Jackson's pierced nipples then have to see that shit again.

Okay, okay, I'll admit that I want Mop Head and Tom DeLay to win so I can get some satisfaction out of seeing her dry up inside when he humps on her during the Samba.

AND I'll also admit that Tom DeLay really did bring the sex thanks to his "t-shirt tucked into his sweatpants" look. That'll do it.

Dancing with the Soon-To-Be ER Patients hasn't even premiered yet and it has already suffered its first injury. People reports that CHERYL BURKE'S partner, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, wrecked his foot yesterday after he tried to pull it out of his mouth. No, he effed it up during rehearsal and had to shuffle off to the hospital. Tom didn't have a stress fracture in his hoof, so doctors gave him the go-ahead to continue rehearsing. The show will go on.

When I first read this shit, I figured Mop Head's voodoo black magic powers back(fat)fired on her. But now the more I think about it, it's clear that Mop Head was trying to take her own partner out! It's obvious that Tom DeLay has the rhythm of a toilet. So CHERYL BURKE sprinkled her powers of destruction (aka a few splashes of Mop 'N Glo) all over the floor hoping he would slip, fall and break a bone or twenty. That way he'd have to bow out and Mop Head would get a new partner. Smart mop.

Thankfully, Mop Head's powers are a little rusty, so she was unable to complete her mission...THIS TIME. Mop Head will try again, so Tom should beware and keep a Swiffer at his side at all times.

HAHAHAHAHA! My recurring nightmare CHERYL BURKE is stuck with former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for the new season of Dancing For A Check! Thank Cheesus they didn't give Mop Head a hot piece.

You don't know how many delicious dinners were absolutely ruined last season thanks to Mop Head getting all horny around Gilles Marini's toasted skin baguette. Seriously, my stomach turned inside/out every time CHERYL BURKE looked at Gilles with those "fuckme" eyes like she was all ready to soak up his sex juices with her mop head. Vom, wipe, vom, wipe, vom....

I'm not going to put my barf bucket away just yet, because the minute Mop Head rubs all over Tom all sexy-like, I will not be able to control myself. Knowing her skanky ass, she will.

The rest of the couples have also been announced. Just nod and pretend like you know who all of these whores are. I even tried Googling the name of a bitch I didn't recognize and it came back with, "Nevah heard of him." The couples are:

Mya and Dmitri Chaplin
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas
Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova
Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff
Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani
Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo
Louie Vito and Chesie Hightower
Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson
Tom DeLay and Mop Head
Macy Gray and Jonathan Roberts
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough
Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel

VIA People

Last night on Dancing with the Irrelevant, Melissa, the bitch who has no business being there in the first place, didn't dance live due to an injury. Last week, Melissa busted her McRib which caused a hairline fracture. Cut to Vivica Fox screaming, "Bitch stole my hairline!"

Because Melissa's pussy ass wasn't able to shake it off and perform, the judges had to score her half-assed rehearsal video. Melissa must have been well enough to get her ass on Facebook, because she left this message (via UsWeekly), "I was doing alright but went to the doc before dress rehearsal for some last minute treatment and ended up having a bad reaction that's affecting my breathing. Hopefully (fingers crossed) I'll be good tomorrow. But thank you for all the love, support and votes! We need it!"

VOTES?! Melissa didn't even get her ass out there and dance. Sympathy votes should not count! Kick the trick out the door and let the real bitches play. I mean, Lil' Kim dances every week with a face so tight that it makes her knees buckle and she still manages to turn it out.

That being said, it looks like CHERYL BURKE is back to stirring her cauldron. Mop Head has been pretty quiet for a couple of weeks. Before the season started, she stuck her pins into voodoo dolls and claimed a few victims, but kept it on the down low after that. Well, she's back and going after her biggest competition! Mop Head sprinkled her black magic all over Melissa and cackled as she fell. If CHERYL BURKE wins this mess again, I will file the necessary documents to divorce this show forever. Evil Mop Head shouldn't prevail this time.

The only reason she was cast again this season was for the clip below. Skip to the 1:30 mark below. I've worn this video out like a favorite vibrator.

Gilles meant to do that. HAHAHA. That's where that trick's head belongs. On the ground, mopping up the filth! Stay down, bitch! You missed a spot.

Last night's premiere of Dancing with the Sores gifted me with the most horrific image that is now burned into the side of my brain. This is what I will see hanging over my bed of nails in my cell in Hell. There will be a frame made out of CROCS surrounding it.

Why did that hot dick from Sex and the City have to run his finger in between CHERYL BURKE'S stale donut balls? You know she put him up to that illegal shit. Horny ass CHERYL BURKE was practically foaming at the mop head over him. I'm pretty sure that next week she's going to choreograph a dance which involves her licking his taint. Mop Head is so transparent. I just want to wring the filth out of her! And there's a lot.

The rest of the episode played out like an episode of fucking Identity. Even when they played their bios, you still had no fucking idea who the bitch was. Like that boring fucking ho from The Bachelor who I just want to forget. This ho made Holly Madison look like the most accomplished whore in the world. You know it's a fucking mess when Harold Wheeler, the musical director, is more famous than one of the stars. Of course, the bitch was good. First of all, her ass is a damn ra-ra cheerleader. Second of all, she doesn't have a damn job so she can fucking practice all day and all night! It's not fair. But I hope the producers get wise and dump her ass in the next couple of weeks. And you know they are going to bring Jason back on to do the honors. They are milking that Bachelor shit.

As for the whores who didn't cause my eyes to roll like I was fucking Wino after a heroin fix, there were only two. That was Lil' Kim and The Woz. My eyes didn't roll with Lil' Kim, because they were too busy trying to figure out her face. HER FACE. I just want to throw a q-tip at her and watch her go crazy. She's like a surprised cat 24-hours a day. If you threw a sombrero on her head and placed her on the It's A Small World ride at Disneyland, nobody would even suspect she doesn't belong. Because of this, she's actually entertaining to watch. And I'm just waiting for the day her face finally pops off and goes flying through the studio like a frisbee.

Now for The Woz. The Woz! He's like Teddy Ruxpin on massive amounts of ludes after getting a 20-man train ran on him. From his first step to his last, my mouth was wide open. It was a fucking glorious wreck. He needs to do weddings and funerals. And the fact that he was paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice made it even better. The Woz better win this shit or at least stay until the end. The world needs to see him shake that hairy bear ass during the mambo. Click here if you missed this beautiful disaster.

My prediction on who is going back to irrelevancy next week is: Denise Richards or Belinda Carlisle
My prediction on who CHERYL BURKE will work her black magic on next is: Holly Madison

The only thing CHERYL BURKE should be on the cover of is a barf bag to help you along. Seriously, I was going to have a cup of Dinty Moore for an afternoon snack, but now I don't have to. I just have to swallow the vom coming up my throat.

As you can unfortunately see, my arch rival is on the cover of this week's TV Guide. There's also a typo. It should read "old turd," not "new 'tude."

Inside, CHERYL BURKE once again whines about how she was called a fat fuck by the media. Mop Head blamed her chunkiness on birth control pills, "I decided over the summer to stop taking birth control pills. I did it thinking that I was going to lose more weight for the season. But it actually did the opposite. It made me gain weight."

How she is able to gain weight still boggles my brains. With the gallons of diarrhea that comes spewing out of her mouth, she should be as skinny as Posh Beckam's clit. Mop Head needs to eat a tampon.

And she's got a new man. He's a model. He's 21. He lives in NYC. His name is Maxwell Zagorski. He disgusts me. Humping a raggedy, dirty mop is not right. It's wrong. It's illegal in most states. Mops are for cleaning the bathroom floor, not for cleaning your genitals! SUCIONESS!

Here's a few pictures of Mop Head and her latest victim. For the record, I would not hit anything that has been tainted by CHERYL BURKE. Okay, I would. I really have no shame.

Isn't there a law somewhere that stated my arch rival CHERYL BURKE is only allowed to show her mop head during Dancing with the Has-Beens? So why does she have another workout DVD series coming out? It's kind of ironic since she went on that whole "Stop Calling Me A Fat Fuck" tour. This shit will probably make you skinny since you'll yack up everything in your stomach while watching Mop Head flex her ass.

What's even worse is that CHERYL BURKE's new workout DVD grossly called Disco Abs is set to the music of the 70s! Hot songs like "Disco Inerno" and "YMCA" will be ruined by CHERYL BURKE running her filthy mop head all over them.

Mop Head had this to say about her vomit inducing workout series: “I created Disco Abs so you could have as much fun getting in shape as I do. Disco Abs will change the way people think about exercise!”

CHERYL BURKE is in shape?! No need to touch that one. It already molested itself a million times over. Only Mop Head would come out with some shit called Disco Abs. Bitches in the 70s stayed skinny by snorting coke and not eating, so if anyone should host this shit, it should be HoHan.

And I'm sick of these stupid ass workout videos! There's only one bitch who knows fitness and that's Greer Childs! I've posted this before, but it's time for an encore. CHERYL BURKE needs to see this shit, so she realizes that she must gracefully bow out and let Greer handle it. I try to do this excercise once a week. It helps when there's a peen in front of you.

(Thanks Stacy)