Guy Ritchie

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law's Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn't exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock's arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.

After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.

A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two."

Because of all the changes, the movie won't open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.

Why bother with Benjamin Button's?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson's homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could've just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson's face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: "Elementary, my dear Watson." Just pretend that made sense.

UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we're extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we've scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice."

Guy Ritchie was all smiley while leaving a restaurant in London last night. Yeah, I know that look. It's the "I'm about to get my dick sucked" smile. You know his peen lips are practically whistling in excitement. And a few minutes later, Elle Macpherson came out....also smiling. The two apparently had dinner together.

While Guy's ex-master, Vadge, is slapping dicks with a piece who can be her grandbaby, Guy is playing with bitches his own age. And it must be a nice feeling to do sexy times with a woman without worrying about her biting your peen off with her vag of destruction. Not to mention that when he cuddles up on Elle, it doesn't feel like he's hugging a broiled piece of chicken jerky.

Guy Ritchie is quickly becoming the hardest-working gold digger in the game. Guy was just awarded a huge mountain of beautiful cash in his divorce settlement from Vadge, but that's still not enough for him! Guy is reportedly back on the hunt and may found his next bag of money! The London Telegraph says that Guy might be romancing millionairess Jemima Khan.

Jemima inherited mounds of money from her billionaire daddy when he went off to the after life. She married Pakistani cricket player Imran Khan in 1995 and popped out two of his kids. She divorced his ass in 2004. Since then, Jem (let's call her that) has dated Hugh Grant.

A source said that Guy and Jem have become really close. Earlier this month, the two showed up to Matthew Freud's (some pr-type) dinner party together in London. This past weekend, they were back at Matthew's house for his Christmas party.

Guy might be a gold digging genius. Now is the perfect time for him to find his next winning lottery ticket. Guy can easily play the "I don't need your money, I have my own" card on Jemima. I think I just jizzed in my pants at the thought of Guy's plan.

Or maybe Guy is with Jem because it's refreshing to stick your peen in a vagina that won't try to castrate you.

On Monday, Vadge's very own spokeswhore of a million years, Liz Rosenberg, told the world that Guy Ritchie got around $76 to $92 million for being married to a velociraptor with a nut cracker vagina. We all rejoiced and danced on our old Like A Virgin records. I'm joking about that last part. My Like A Virgin record is a prized possession. Only because my dumb fuck sister forged an autograph from Vadge on it before giving it to me as a present when we were kids. I framed it and everything! I found out a couple of years later she lied to me and committed forgery! Heartbreaking and illegal. Okay, I really found out last week.

Anyway, Vadge and Guy have issued a joint statement saying the settlement amount is completely wrong. Vadge said (with Guy's nuts still in her claws), "We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."

Please, this shit was all planned out. Vadge was so angry that she started gritting her pussy teeth when everyone called Guy Ritchie "saint of the year" for walking away from her fortune. So in order to rain on Guy's good guy parade, Vadge had her spokesbitch make that little announcement knowing that she would issue her own statement a few days later claiming the amount is all wrong.

Everything is so damn complicated in Vadge's life! Fuck. She needs Neicy Nash and the Clean House team to visit her brains and get rid of all the damn clutter. I swear. She makes everything so damn difficult.

And if Liz is the one that fucked up, well, then we probably won't hear from her ass for a while, because she's being held in Vadge's jail cell crotch. If you happen to walk by Vadge in the next few days, throw a few stale bread crumbs towards her vagina for Liz to snack on.

What do you get for being married to a chewed-up piece of gristle for 8 years: $76 million!!!

Vadge's spokeswhore, Liz Rosenburg, told AP that Vadge will pay Guy Ritchie anywhere from $76 to $92 million as part of their divorce settlement.

Liz said the $76 million figure also includes the value of their English country estate and the price of his nustack. He probably got an extra $10 mill for all the therapy he'll need after seeing her roided-up snatch close up.

Liz went on to say, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement."

Vadge and Guy are still working out custody arrangements for Rocco and David.

Christmas has come early for Guy, but knowing Vadge, there's probably a catch. Vadge is going to make Guy wrestle away the money from her muscly crocodile snatch. I'm sorry, but Guy is no match for her deadly crotchodile. It will swallow him whole.

Guy Ritchie may have broken free from the grasp of the evil harpy known as Vadge, but he has only fallen from the frying pan into the fire, as the full fury of her witch craft curse has decimated the set and actors of his new movie, Sherlock Holmes.

The crew (probably Jamaican witch doctors) claim the movie is cursed. It doesn't take chicken bones and pigs blood to see that Vadge and her crotch of destruction are working their dark magic powers here.

Not only did his bad luck charm make his past movies bomb and his life a living hell, she's bringing her evil sorcery in the form of pain and suffering to anybody associated with Guy's movies.

First off, Robert Downey Jr was knocked the fuck out by Vadge's glamoured minion, a 7ft wrestler, co-star Robert Maillet during a fight scene. A bean spilling cunt from the set said: “Robert was accidentally caught on the chin by a thundering hook. He went flying and was out cold." He had to get a Sponge Bob band aid and six stitches put on the inside of his mouth.

Then Vadge threw a bolt of fire from the Heavens and tried to blow up Guy Ritchie's dumb ass, but luckily Jude Law standing too close to him and his mole took most of the blow. It bounced off his enormous skin tag and struck a petrol tanker, thus making it explode in a fireball, causing them to flee the set and closing down production for two hours.

Guy might have thought he was out of danger now that he's gotten his nuts back, but this isn't so. Vadge's roided-up punane is like The Ring. Once you stare into her black hole, you are cursed forever.

Source

Guy Ritchie is probably feeling an unfamiliar itching down below this morning, because his nutsack has finally returned to him! Reunited and it feels so saggy!

A court in the UK declared Vadge & Guy's 7-year marriage over in just a matter of minutes. It will take about six weeks of gross paperwork for the divorce to be finalized and official. Both Vadge and Guy decided to skip the court party today. She's on tour in Philadelphia and he's filming in Liverpool.

According to the papers,the two haven't lived together for 6-months. Vadge signed a sworn statement saying that the reason their marriage failed was due to Guy's "unreasonable behaviour." She also said his bad behavior was continuing.

Unreasonable behavior? Eating a delicious cheeseburger is unreasonable behavior to her. Fuck. Disagreeing with her opinion is unreasonable. Shit. Having any kind of fun is unreasonable! She should have just wrote that he didn't follow THE CONTRACT! "Contract, Guy, contract. You didn't follow it."

There were reports that Guy Ritchie told Vadge to keep her sweet money, but The Sun claims that isn't so. According to their asses, Guy will get to keep his pub, the country estate and he will also get a cash payment of £25million (or $50USD after the conversion).

Last night, Guy told reporters, "It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on. I didn't raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York."

Now that they are pretty much divorced, can Vadge please give back the British accent?

Guy Ritchie has opted out of wrestling any money from Vadge's cold, dead vagina. Guy could have filled his pockets with up to half of Vadge's $600 $450 million fortune in their divorce settlement, but he's reportedly done the saintly thing and is voluntarily walking away with nothing. Gold diggers of the world, let's all bawl our eyes out together.

The Daily Mail claims that the divorce settlement has been reached and an announcement will be made any day now. When Vadge throws all her millions on the bed and rolls around in it, not one bill will be missing. She gets to keep all her cash. The only thing Guy asked for is joint-custody of his two boys, Rocco and David. A source said that the two boys will split their time between London and New York. Lourdes will stay in New York with her mommy. I hope Guy also demanded his nuts back. He's going to need those in the future.

A source said, "It will be all over by the end of the month. The priority for him has always been the children. Ritchie has not wanted her money. He has done exactly what Billie Piper did when she divorced Chris Evans. She walked away without any of his money, much to her credit. Guy Ritchie has done the same."

Guy Ritchie obviously has a heart made of gold, rainbows and tears of joy from the Live Feed Puppies, because I would have bled that bitch dry! Even if he didn't want any money for himself, he should have taken as much as he could, cashed it out at the bank and then walked the streets, throwing her precious money in the air like a fucking modern-day Robin Hood!

Guy Ritchie was reunited with Rocco and David in London yesterday after not seeing them for a few weeks. They've been prisoners of the gristle monster. Vadge wasn't going to let control go that easily. The Daily Mail claims that she sent a list of rules with her boys that Guy must follow. If he doesn't, she will never eject his shriveled nuts from her roided-up vagina prison.

Here's THE LIST:

Under no circumstances should they be allowed to read newspapers, magazines, or watch TV or DVDs.

They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.

All water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabbalah water.

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain any man-made fibers.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.

They should not be bought toys that are spiritually or ethically unsound.

Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.

The boys should not be introduced to Guy's new friends, especially any new female friends.

Madonna has encouraged the access to give time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with them.

The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen.

At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

Oops. Guess who was photographed with David and Rocco yesterday at the airport? Guy broke a rule! No gold star for him!

Hopefully, he'll continue to break rule after rule. He should make sure he's papped going into a porn theater, with the boys wearing polyester, eating cookies and candy, with a G.I. Joe toy in one hand and in the other hand a copy of OK! magazine with the tagline "Madge & Guy: It's Over!"