Magical Forest

OK! Magazine asked the keeper of the unicorn forest what he looks for in a lady friend:

"I like people being forward. Gosh, I don’t know. I like strong people, chiseled abs… I don’t know, I take what I can get!"

And with that, every Ab Roller and wet vac (for DIY lipo) on this planet just sold out! Just picture thousands of crazed Twitards burping out their lungs after doing a dozen crunches with a cardboard cutout of Edward in front of them for motivation. The most exercise they do on a daily basis is a few vagina bounces while watching Twilight in slow motion. RPattz is single-handedly curing teenage fopa!

Rachelle Lefevre, who played the role of Victoria in the first two Twilight movies, has been replaced with Richie Cunningham's daughter Bryce Dallas Howard. Summit issued a press release that said Bryce will take over the role for Eclipse. They said Rachelle isn't able to shoot the movie due to "scheduling conflicts."

Uh. Huh.. "Scheduling conflicts" is bullshit talk for "bitch got fired" or "bitch wanted more cash" or "bitch was sick of Twitwards getting in her life" or "bitch wanted to do real acting." Let's be real.

I can only imagine how the Twihards are going to handle this. I remember when I almost choked a ho when One Life to Live replaced Asian Blair Cramer with White Blair Cramer. My soul wasn't right for months after they pulled that shit!

And as much as I appreciated Bryce Dallas Howard's amazing work in Lady in the Water, I think the Twilight bitches cast the wrong ginge. If they really wanted to make Eclipse a phenomenal blockbuster sensation, they would've given international supermodel and scene stealer Phoebe Price the role. I mean, nobody can pose with an inanimate object (I'm looking at you, Kristen Stewart) the way PP can! It's totally going to flop now.

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site's fashion page. Marie Osmond's dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear "after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!"

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard...I mean...BRIDE! BRIDE! That's what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple's wedding page. It's the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque

The Keeper of the Unicorn Forest flew into JFK today and was greeted by not your typical Twitard. She doesn't look like Hot Topic just wet farted all over her. She doesn't have a fake "Edward Was Here" tattoo on her neck. She doesn't have a unibrow. And it also doesn't look like a panty milkshake waterfall is running down her leg (this is unconfirmed).

I mean, homegirl probably smells like Pantene, cocoa butter and three kinds of Victoria's Secret body spray, but she actually looks kind of normal? This bitch might be an impostor. RPattz should've tested her ass by asking her to recite every line from the New Moon trailer backwards. If she couldn't do that, bitch is faking it. Or maybe she mistook him for Samantha Ronson?

I saw this picture of TwiMoms at Comic-Con over at Jezebel and was immediately drawn to the blonde bombshell in her Cache best all the way to the left. Dixie (let's call her that) not only looks like a TwiMom, but she also looks like a WhiteWineSpritzerAtNooni-Mom. If this is what most TwiMoms look like, hand me a fake blood pen and tell me where to sign! I bet Dixie makes a killer and highly potent Magical Forest Margarita.

Below is a clip from Comic-Con of the TwiHards blowing up into a panty pudding fountain while watching a couple of scenes from New Moon. Dixie wasn't there, because she was too busy fighting with the concession boy outside. The concession boy just didn't get it when Dixie told him to only fill her Coke halfway, because she needs to fill the rest with her "medicine."

One of RPattz's ex-girlfriends tells the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) that the sparkly vampire is so good at boning that he made her toe nails have an orgasm. Basically. Would we expect anything less from the dude who has the power to make a Twitard's clitoris go into an epileptic seizure with just the wink of an eye? Or can create enough extra-chunky butterscotch panty pudding to keep the Jello factory in business for years just by licking his lips?

The "ex" said, “We just had this chemistry between us that made our kisses amazing. I’m really passionate, as is he. That’s why, no matter how much we fought, it was always amazing in bed! We’d glance at each other throughout the night because it made it more exciting when we got home. The tension was so strong, we couldn’t control ourselves. It was amazing!”

Um. The "ex" forgot to mention the part about how one of her family members had to turn the fire extinguisher on her snatch after it caught on fire from her humping RPatt'z real doll so hard. Because that's what she was having "AMAZING" sex with. Seriously, this shit was copy and pasted from the MySpace page of some crazed horny Twitard.

Blood suckers must not have hearts, because RPattz has apparently dumped Kristen Stewart while their sparkly vampire baby love child is baking in her womb at 450 (yes, I believe everything I read on the internets)!! Life & Style says that RPattz has dropped Kristen Stewart off at the section marked "IT'S OVAH" and has no plans of picking her back up. That's because he's too busy sucking the blood out of his co-stars vagina noodle.

A sourcey says that he's moved on from Kristen to his Remember Me co-star Emilie de Ravin. The source watched the two canoodling at the Bowery Hotel in NYC on June 14th. When Elizabeth Reaser, one of the other actors from the movie, came to join them, Emilie told her ass how hard it was kissing RPattz in front of the cameras. Elizabeth responded with, "However you kiss Rob in real life, just do that!"

Well, there you go. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the crazed mob of horny Twitards to trample Emilie to death. Send her funeral bill to Life & Style.

Here's Rob filming in NYC yesterday. Expect one of the weeklies to have one of these pictures on their cover next week with the headline: "Emilie who?! Rob's romantic date at Chuck E. Cheese with his other co-star."

The keeper of the unicorn forest has been spending time in NYC while he shoots a movie and he's anxiously counting the seconds until he can take his sparkly ass out of here. Gatecrasher says that RPattz has had it with NYC and its certifiable vaginas.

A source said, "He's so over everything. He's overwhelmed by all the girls — they terrify him! He says girls grab his neck and clothing all of the time, and he’s not used to that. Fans don’t do that to him in London. Everyone there is a little cooler about the fame thing, which is what he’s used to. He’s embarrassed by the way girls throw themselves at him. The girls here are stalking him. He stayed in two different hotels over the course of four days just to try to escape the fans who were following him. He's afraid that if he gives a hand, they’ll take the whole arm. He’s being advised by security not to encourage the crowd, so he doesn’t even look up anymore."

He also probably hates it that random strangers keep dropping quarters in his coffee cup when he's standing on the street. I'd have the sads too if my coffee always tasted like dirty metal.

Poor RPattz. it sounds like you need a place to rest your magical forest hair that's free of crazy bitches. Might I suggest my No-No Hotel? It's kind of crowded and you'll have to wear a gas mask, but nary a vag will bother you!

Australian tabloid NW (aka The Bible of Truths) is in SHOCK, because Kristen Stewart has a BABY!!!! in her womb. And the BABY!!! belongs to the Unicorn Forest Prince himself...RPATTZ! Their proof? They think Kristen's Bud and bud bloat is actually a baby bump! Also, some source (aka the NW intern who was chilling out with the stoned wallabies at lunch) claims Kristen asked a friend to buy her a pregnancy test at the drugstore, because she didn't want to be photographed with that shit in her hand. Kirsten suspected she might be knocked up when her monthly batch of menstrual berries weren't delivered to her vagina dock.

Kristen is in danger girl, because the mob of crazed horny Twitards will get her for this. Kristen's only supposed to be pregnant in fake life! Their the ones who are supposed to have RPattz's babehs in real life. Not Kristen! That's just fake life. That's not real!!!!

The only way we'll know if Kristen is in fact pregnant is if a rhinestone-encrusted baby eats its way out of her stomach.

VIA ONTD

In an interview with Marie Claire (via ONTD), Stephen Moyer from True Blood had this to say about Edward Cullen from Twilight: "He's a pussy! He's the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires."

Oh, shit. He said "Slim-Fast!" That shit has to burn like a crucifix to the nalgas!

This isn't really a fang fight since Edward doesn't have fangs! Edward can try to blind Vampire Bill rays of sparklies! Kind of like the Care Bear stare! Precious, right? If that didn't work, Rpattz could act out a few scenes which would cause Stephen to go completely numb. It worked on me while I was watching Twilight (please don't kill me, Twihards).