Magical Forest

This is what happens to RFancyPattz every time he tries to use a public bathroom. You know those horny Twihards hide in the urinals and shit! Bitches are pretending to be urinal cakes just to get a piece.

This time, the blood on RPattz was fake, because it was for that movie he's shooting in NYC that isn't about sparkly vampires.

The make-up whores on this movie really didn't need to work that hard to make him look like this. They should've just stripped him down and threw him in the middle of a mall in Ohio. The crazed mob of horntards would've sniffed him out, pounced on his face and scraped him up with their hard clits. Convulsing crotches can do damage.

Claire from Lost better take her ass back to the island, because the mob of crazed Twitards are going to hunt her down for kissing on the keeper of the unicorns. The kiss was during a scene for their movie Remember Me, but try explaining that to a lunatic with cracked out hormones!

They are going to try to cut Claire's lips off, so they can wipe that shit all over their nether regions. Or even worse, they are going to hump her face, so the essence of RPattz gets on their crazy crotches. Emilie better stay away from all bitches who look like they just rolled out of Hot Topic's clearance section. Actually, homegirl should just stay away from everyone. Even the least-suspecting hos have the unicorn fever (you know who you are).

The keeper of the unicorns was almost trampled to death by a mob of horny hyenas in NYC today. RPattz was making his way back to his trailer on the set of his movie Remember Me when the fangirls were unleashed and tried to impregnate themselves by dry fucking him. I can smell the chonie cheese from here and it's thick!

Somebody give them the q-tip! Turn the hose on them! Give them a squeaky toy to hump on! What am I blabbing about? None of that would work! Even if you tasered their asses and peppered them in the eyes at the same time, they still wouldn't let up. These psychos had a whiff of RPattz's magic dust and they are in the zone! Nothing can stop them.

The city of New York should probably keep a judge on set at all times to hand out restraining orders, because these crazy bitches are thisclose to crawling through the shit pipe to get into his trailer.

That being said, this whole scenario would be considered perfectly sane if you replaced RPattz with Prince Hot Ginge and the curly-haired loon in the plaid with me.

And there's video:

If you electrocute yourself by playing connect the CGI dots on RPatt'z baby powder-covered body using your clit, I am not responsible. And I don't even want to think about the paper cuts crazy fangirls accidentally gave themselves in unfortunate places after printing out these pictures. Seriously, believe it. Just take a peek at some of the comments left on some of the other sites about the lord of the magical unicorn forest. This is my favorite one EVER from UsWeekly:

Seriously - I am sitting here breathing into a paper bag - literally hyperventilating!!!!!!!!!!! and thanking God above that my husband did not come home for lunch so that he did not hear all my screaming when I saw this picture!!!!
GEEZ - he's beautiful - amazingly beautiful - breath-taking amazingly beautiful - should I go on???? - and just sitting here thinking about the way he sings Van Morrison's song I'll Be Your Lover, Too - while looking like this - OMG OMG OMG
My afternoon will be completely nonproductive now - just dreaming of Rob - You Greek Adonis You!

You know, I kind of say the same thing whenever I look at a picture of a Double Double from In 'N Out. Although, I have never pictured my Double Double singing Van Morrison's "I'll Be Your Lover Too." That would be too much for me to bear.

Here's more of RPattz and company filming New Moon in Italy earlier today. You know Michelangelo himself floated down from heaven just to hand paint perfect abs on RPattz's body.

If Google kept crashing on you all through last night, that's because zillions of crazed Twitweens were feverishly searching for pictures to print out of that skankwhorecunttrampslutbitchanallover (their words, not mine) Erika Dutra. They gathered around their parents' Weber grill in the backyard and held a chanting ceremony where threw her pictures into the fire (along with a pack of Camels) while wishing that her vagina closes for LIFE. That's because Erika was spotted "canoodling" with a sparkly vampire we all know as Robert Pattinson at a party in Cannes. If I was the President of Hot Topic, I'd send a rush order of "DIE ERIKA DUTRA DIE" t-shirts to all stores. This could save the entire economy.

RPattz is reportedly slapping his glitter wand on his co-star Kristen Stewart, but he didn't seem to have a care in the world when he was licking on Erika. A witness-type told Life & Style, "Erika was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend at the beginning of the night and he was smitten with her from that point on. He took pictures of her, sat with her all night, and the two of them were even seen kissing! There was serious chemistry between them, and they looked like they were having an amazing time. Erika and Robert even left the party together!"

So Skankika (again, their words not mine), rode that unicorn horn all night? To quote a philosopher named Oda Mae Brown: "Erika, you in danger girl."

I know a few people who would turn their own mother out on the ho stroll just for one air kiss from RPattz. That seems a little excessive to me, but paying $20k for a kiss from the sparkly vampire seems even crazier! That's what two crazed Twittytards paid at an auction for amfAr in Cannes last night. Yeah, yeah, it goes to charity, but still!

It's not like RPattz kissed them on their nalgas! He kissed them on their face cheek! No, he didn't even bite them! No, he didn't even use tongue! No, he didn't even pinch their nipples a bit. No, he didn't even slap that ass. No, he didn't even pull their hair! No, he didn't even call them a "dirty, dirty bitch" while doing it. None of that! RPattz just planted a simple kiss on their cheek. For $20k! IN THIS ECONOMY! Bonkers.

You know that right after RPattz kissed them, they rant to their hotel rooms, Cape Fear-ed themselves and then had their cheek hermetically sealed.

Robert Fancy Pattz arrived in Cannes to promote that movie about sparkly vampires with dry genitals who always get the shakes when that Kristen Stewart broad comes around. RPattz doesn't look as dick buttery as usual, but I'm a little concerned about him standing in the sun like that. The unicorns frolicking in his magical forest hair will fry with all that grease! Seriously, his hair kind of looks like the inside of a deep fryer at McDonald's at the end of the day. That being said, I'd still wipe my no-no on his hair and hit that shit!

Here's more pictures of the dazzling RPattz in Cannes yesterday along with the poster for that New Moon cacamess.

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

This is the gorgeous Casey Ray. Casey is a hairstylist in St. Louis and the other day she was hanging out behind the Chase Park Plaza Hotel waiting for her fiance to get off of work. While Casey was bringing the sexy to the back alley, she noticed something in the dumpster. I know you're wondering why she was looking in the dumpster. My guess is that she was searching for another dead animal to put on her head. I'm joking. She's what beauty is about. ANYWAY, in the dumpster she found a script for the Twilight sequel (all together now: WHERE IT BELONGS). Casey couldn't believe her beautiful eyes!

Casey told Fox News, "When I opened it up and saw the character names: Charlie, Bella, Edward, I was just like, this can't possibly be what I know it to be." After calling her lawyer, Casey decided to turn the script in to Summit, the production company. When she contacted them, they were so touched by her goodwill that they offered her tickets to the premiere as well as an autographed copy of the script by the entire cast.

If you happen to be at the premiere, you better stand back, because once Robert Pattinson lays his eyes on Casey, the world will explode. Hundreds of unicorns will fly out of his magical forest hair and slide down her peroxide rainbow. It will be love. It will be magical. It will be hairy.

Since we're sort of on the subject of gorgeous reverse mullets, here's Casey's hair twin, Kate Gosselin, at Target near her house the other day.

While a video montage of Mimi and Nick Cannon's year together played, the Hello Kitty princess herself shed a crystal tear that dripped down to the floor and sprouted a bright rainbow of butterflies that fluttered around her. Mimi should really bottle her magical tears. It would trump water as the #1 used liquid in Japan. Trust this.

Maybe Mimi was crying because she waltzed out of her cotton candy-haze for a quick minute and realized she's been married to the dude from Love Don't Cost a Thing for a full year! Yes, an entire 365 days! Here I was thinking they would only last until the champagne buzz wore off. Shame. On. Me. I will pucker up to a lamb (not like that) in their honor today.

Here's Mimi showing off her Deery-Lous with her overgrown man child husband at their anniversary party at Las Vegas' Moon nightclub last night.