Magical Forest

Robert Pattinson wants everyone to know that his dick isn't covered in butter, his asshole isn't caked over in jelly and that his magical forest mop doesn't need to be featured on How Clean Is Your House? anytime soon, because he takes a bar of soap to his ass regularly.

Last week, there was a little story going around that whores on the set of New Moon were dry heaving, because Robert smells like a dried-up menstrual berry baking in the August sun. Robert says that shit is all made of lies, because he hasn't even been on the set yet.

The vampire with sparkly fangs went on to say, "I just want to know whoever's saying negative stuff, and I just want to remember their names. I write it all down in my black book."

Black book? Well, Robert, I've been saying some dirty naughty things about you, so add me to that book. I've been fucking bad, so write my name down with a THICK Sharpie. Also add that I like my hair yanked, my nalgas pinched and donut french toast with chocolate syrup in the morning.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Robert Pattinson also hates shampoo. And conditioner. And shower puffs. Fuck, he even hates water, because the dude apparently never washes his shit and it's starting to gross out whores on the set of New Moon. Pig Pen lives in RPattz! So the sparkle dust must really be shiny dirt particles.

Some source who hasn't grown to appreciate the fresh scene of a farting unicorn in the morning told E! (via SS), "He stinks. I mean, it's awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy. He completely reeks."

Robert himself will be the first to tell you that he isn't really a fan of that washing his ass or anything else. A while ago Robert said he can go weeks, if not YEARS, without washing his magical forest hair, "I have so much residue crap in my hair from years and years and years of not washing it and not having any sense of personal hygiene whatsoever."

I'm sure there has to be another reason why RPattz likes to make cheese on his body. He must feed the glittery unicorns that frolic through his hair! If he doesn't wash his business, they can nibble on all the cheese they want! And he also probably thinks that if he reeks like Eww de Dick Butter, it will keep the sparkle-hungry fangirls off of him. Wrong. Because they will gladly lick his vampire ass crack. Butt jelly and all.

To celebrate West Side Story's return to Broadway, Vanity Fair shot an homage to the musical starring Camilla Belle (as Maria), JLo (as Anita), Rodrigo Santoro (as Bernardo), Chris Evans (as Riff) and Ben Barnes (as Tony). Other whores including Brittany Snow, Jay Hernandez, Robert Pattinson, Ashley Jizzdale, Cam Gigandet and Drake Bell also make cameos throughout. If you're trying to spot the sparkly vampire, just follow the flying unicorns to the back of this picture where he's glittering it up with Brittany Snow.

The acting faces in these pictures are worthy of a million Razzies. While Camilla Belle is purdy, she looks like an unlit candle and has the emotional depth of one too. And JLo. JLO! JLo as fucking Anita. I think I'll go back to San Juan, because if I stay here I'll slap a baby newt over this fuckery. Was Rita Moreno previously booked? Or Chita Rivera? Or Iris Chacon? Or Salma Hayek? Or Charo? Or Skeletor? Or La Pequena? Or any bitch but JLo!

And where in Officer Krupke hell is Anybodys?! That boygirl was always my favorite. All Vanity Fair had to do was ring up Rojo Caliente. Rojo already has the looks and attitude to pull it off.

Gatecrasher says that while getting boozy at the Rose Bar in NYC, the Unicorn Prince of the Magical Forest was heard telling a friend, “I can’t get laid in NYC." His friend shot back, “A blind person with a British accent could get tail."

I don't know what NYC Robert is talking about, but this place is home to some of the greatest sluts the universe has ever seen. I mean, my no-no doesn't drop glitter bombs over Robert, but I'd jump on that shit so fast just so I could run up to some random tween and shout, "I fucked your fake sparkly boyfriend and he loooooved it."

But seriously, I'm thinking Robert got laid and he didn't even know it. He probably had himself a damn orgy while walking from the car to the bar. Those crazy fangirls and TwiMoms are slick. They are experts at drive-by-fucking.

In Little Ashes, the new movie that will make a few peens throb, Robert FancyPattz plays Dali and the role required him to do fake butt sex with the hot piece of hairy man sex known as Javier Beltran, who plays Lorca. Depending on which bitch you ask, the experience was either beautifully "tragic and painful" or totally nut-shrinking awkward.

First up is Javier! When asked about it by Out Magazine, he said, "We didn't have any problems with the sexuality. On the set it was less important than the emotions. The sex scenes are beautiful—tragic and painful."

Tragic and painful?! Hmm. They didn't have any lube, right? No lube, no problem! You can make yourself a very useful concoction right on your palm. Just spit, add a little nose snot, and if available, mix in a dab of dick butter. And if you're really desperate, just ask the recipient to push out the prairie dog. It's not for the faint of fart, but desperate fucky times call for desperate measures!

As for the magical Robert? He had this to say to GQ about that shit, "The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."

Nervous breakdown while hitting it from the back? It kept jumping out of the hole, didn't it? That is some nerve-wracking shit.

But seriously, doing butt sex (even fake butt sex) while Spanish electricians watch? What's RPattz's nightmare is my fucking dream of dreams!

No matter what, the Twilight crazies will fork over their allowance money (or cash from their menopause fund) to go and see the unicornies jump through the sparkly rainbows Robert Pattinson's magical forest. The producers already know that shit, so now they are trying to get non-Twilight-a-holics to drop down some coin by sprinkling in familiar names. I mean, that whore from 90210, Dakota Fanning and Vanessa Hudgens are all in talks or signed for the next movie. And now, another familiar bitch, Drew Barrymore, may direct the third film called Eclipse.

Drew just finished directing some shit called Whip It! starring Ellen Page. Entertainment Weekly says that Summit is talking to a small group of possible bitches to direct including Drew. Chris Weitz is directing the second movie, but he can't do the third since the release date on both movies are so close together. New Moon is out on November 20th of this year. Eclipse is scheduled for June 30, 2010.

Can Drew direct? Who knows? Who cares? Who shot JR? At this point, Fidel Castro could direct, Ann Coulter could co-star and it would still be the top whore at the box office. All you need is Robert Pattinson and a handful of glitter.

That's if this rumor from Ryan Gaycrest (via ONTD) is true. On E! news, Gaycrest says that Vadge's business partner, Guy Oseary, is executive producing the Twilight sequel, New Moon, and wants to involve the gristle granny somehow. Gaycrest said it's likely that she'll take a role in the movie and also put together the soundtrack. Do you hear that? The unicorns from Robert Pattinson's magical forest are bawling and stabbing each other in the eyes with their horns.

Do the bitches of New Moon want their shit to sweep the Razzies next year? Even Robert's magical unicorn friends are no match for Vadge's kiss of the death. If Vadge so much as winks at the script, the entire movie will end up on FAIL Blog.

Does the book even have a character that's a roidy memaw creature who sucks on the blood of young boys with her toothy sascrotch? If so, then fair enough, because that's the role Vadge was born to play. I mean, she's already living it.

Or maybe she's just going to play a corpse? She convincingly played one in The Next Best Thing, so she's already proven that she's the one for the job.

Yes, I know that's an old picture of Robert Pattinson and that he's chopped down his magical forest since, but I'm going to pretend he didn't do that. It almost brings tears to my eyes to think of all the homeless unicorns out there. And my skin is allergic to tears, so it's best that I try not to cry.

So, Marc Malkin at E! says nearly 15-year-old Dakota Fanning is having conversations with the producers of the Twilight sequel about being in that mess. A source said they offered her the role of Jane described as " a member of Italy’s Volturi, the most deadly group of bloodsucking killers." A casting notice says Jane is a petite blonde with a “Botticelli angel-like face…[and] crimson irises.” So I guess Dakota will see undead people instead of dead ones? Wait. I'm confusing my child stars.

Since I basically know nothing about this Twilight shit, I asked my resident Twilight-aholic about this casting decision. The bitch bust nuts when he sees apples now, because it reminds him of Twilight. He screamed over IM (I had to cover my eyes), "YES!! YES! yes! O FUCK YES!" And then his next IM read: "But Morgan Fairchild would have been better." I haven't even read one word from a Twilight book and I couldn't agree more. Morgan Fairchild makes everything so much better.

And thanks to Kathy Griffin, every time I see Dakota Fanning, I picture her with a crack pipe.

Robert Pattinson is one of the stars in that "Twilight" movie. I only know this because a few crazy fangirls have sent me e-mails filled with CAPS and lots of exclamation points demanding that I spread the word about their new god. A god with magical hair. I'm not even sure what his face looks like because my eyes are hypnotized by the unicorn forest on top of his head.

Oh, how I want to frolic naked through his hair. I want to have a picnic lunch on top of his scalp before taking a nap on the top of one of his strands. I won't have to worry about anything hurting me, because nothing gets past his wondrous jungle. He's tried to cut it in the past, but the scissors break whenever they touch one of his precious hairs. And when he takes a shower, the water beads bounce off his mop. His hair will outlive us all.

Here's a few more of the magical forest and its owner at the Los Angeles premiere of "Sex Drive" last night.