Will Smith

During a NOT staged photo-op that was NOT set up by their publicists to prove that they are okay with each other even though it's rumored that one of them zombie humped on the other one's wife, Will Smith tried to be slick by conducting his own covert investigation to see if Skeletor truly is the ruler of Snake Mountain if you know what I mean. You know that saying from the Scientology sauna: When the hands go up, Will's eyes go down.

Judging by this picture, either Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga got camera (and Will Smith) shy and slithered to the back of his Size 2 Slim Bugle Boy Khakis, or the cracked out Mars Attack! alien is about as hung as a JLo dingle berry, because his crotch is bulge-free here. If the photographer clicked his camera two seconds after this picture was taken, he'd capture Will making a sad "I rolled out of Trey Songz's bunk for this?!" face.

Sorry, Will, Skeletor's elusive wrist dick just didn't want to be seen last night.

Here's more of Will, Skeletor and Fergie Clawful at the Dolphins game in Miami last night.

While everybody is whispering about how Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith's contract is about to head for the shredder, the latter is not staying at home weeping into his Scientology-approved cry cloth (aka Tommy Girl's butt). The National Enquirer (via C+D) is keeping one eye on the blossoming bromance (that sounds like the name of an entry Gay Al Reynolds would submit into the Miami Flower Show) between Will and singer Trey Songz. They say this might not be a Big Brothers of America situation and seem to think there's a chance Will is popping Trey's butt pimples with his pelvis. As Scientology audit machines combust and Jada's favorite strap-on makes a sad.....

A source says that last month in Miami, Will and Trey not only sat next to each other at a charity event (Clutch your anal pearls!), but they also went to dinner together the night after (Clutch your anal pearls tighter!). One of Trey's friends, record executive Troy Taylor, kept the flame on that rumor going by telling the Enquirer that his lips are sealed about their relationship:

“I know that Trey and Will have been friends for a very long time, but I can’t speak to the nature of their relationship. It’s none of my business.”

"I can't speak to the nature of their relationship" is a shady gossip queen's way of making the blow job gesture with just words. You know that after those words came out of Troy's mouth, he humped the inside of his cheek with his tongue tip while blowing an air kiss with his eyes. If you put a magnifying glass up to the space between those lines, you'd find this line staring back at you: "They're lapping up each other's ass juices. The end."

Seen here in the glory days before Scientology audits and strap-on exhaustion got the best of 'em, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied that they're whippin' divorce papers back and forth by letting out a statement that said their marriage is still "intact." Will and Jada's spokeswhore finally burped out that denial after spending the entire day saying that she does not comment on their personal lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. I kind of cocked (heh, cocked) my head to the side like my dog when I wave a bacon Post-It at his face over Will and Jada's PR ho using the word "intact." So clinical. It sounds like a word my free clinic nurse practitioner would use after poking at my no-no with a tree branch and beating it with palm leaves before trying to cleanse it with beekeeper smoke. He pulls off his gas mask, the priest pulls the holy water-marinated contact lenses out of his eyes and then he gives me a thumbs up when he says, "INTACT!"

That's how the word intact should be used. But wait! TMZ says there's a good reason for why they worded their denial like that. Dun dun dun.

A source tells TMZ that their publicist spent the entire day trying to carefully word the statement, because things are not exactly cotton candy queefs and rainbow cum shots. The source claims that Will and Jada's marriage is in trouble and they're trying to fix it. They're all going away as a family soon and it could be one of those "Band-Aid" trips.

THANK XENU! The earth can stop shaking now. Will and Jada are not getting divorced. Will and Jada might sue InTouch. Will did not weep after walking in on Jada using Skeletor's skinny ass as a human strap-on to fuck her side piece with (because I refuse to believe they would ever fuck). All is well in the world again. I'm glad that Will and Jada have decided that it's best they stay together for the sake of their children's careers.

Everything that needs to be said is being said in that picture above, but I'll say it in anyway. InTouch is hearing from some "insider" that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have both skipped into a barber shop together and shaved the beard off of their faces:

After 13 years of marriage, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have decided to separate, an insider tells In Touch Weekly exclusively. They have two children, Jaden and Willow, together. And Jada is stepmother to Will's son, Trey, from a previous marriage.

When TMZ asked Will and Jada's rep, Karynne Tencer, to either give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to this shit, she didn't even try to give half of a fuck about it.

"What? In Touch said that? I know nothing about this ... Lord. I'm going back to bed."

Karynne says almost the exact same thing every time she accidentally walks into a room and catches Jada wielding a mighty strap-on attached to some genitals that are not attached to Will Smith. But seriously, I won't believe this until I see Will carrying a box full of Xenu-shaped dildos out of the Scientology rec room. Will and Jada are stuck together like Tommy Girl's mouth on a David Beckham poster. (Seriously, the Scientology slaves have to threaten to spray Tommy with a hose full of liquid anti-depressants if he doesn't take his mouth off of it. It's a gross scene).

I find it hard to believe that Will & Jada would skip away from their infinite cycle mansion and more importantly, skip away from all the attention they get for being a happy couple who can't stop fucking each other. If there's no hope for Will & Jada, then there's no hope for Tommy & Katie or Kelly & John Travolta. This is a direct threat to the art of bearding. I'm going back to bed too.

UPDATE: Will's son Trey went on Twitter to say, "Will and Jada getting a DIVORCE ..NOT TRUE AT ALL !! RETWEET."

Will and Jada's rep finally got out of bed and only said that the rumor about her crotch doing the limbo under Skeletor's wrist dick is not true, "All the rumors regarding Marc Anthony and Jada are false. Completely untrue. As for [the reports of a split between] Will and Jada, I'm not commenting on their personal life."

UPDATE II: Will and Jada finally issued this shit: "Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact." Translation: Contract negotiations were successful!

In the new issue of Architectural Digest, The Smith Family gave the magazine a tour of their 25,000 square foot mega mansion in Malibu that they built from the ground up. To put things into perspective, my apartment is probably the size of one of the bathroom tiles in the powder room that they'll never ever piss in because they've got 10 of them!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith tell AD (via Daily Mail) that mostly everything in the house was made by human hands and comes from all over the world. Will and Jada are into that OM shit, so she says they kept that in mind when designing the 9" burrito dick of houses.

"For Will and me this home was always a spiritual endeavor.

We’re very earthy, organic people. We wanted to create a family retreat, something made by hand and as natural as possible, something that ties back to the land. Whatever it becomes, the craftsmanship will always represent our union and the love of our family."

Will then said that they designed the house with "no dead ends… to create an infinite cycle that represented what Jada and I hoped for our love." Kind of like the infinite cycle of vomit that's about to pour out of my mouth hole after reading that mess of a quote? Okay, I get it.

Will and Jada obviously love living in a gigantic mansion that looks like one of the nicer Radissons, so I won't get on them at how my ass cheeks are sweating from the chair overload in their front hallway alone. Seriously, that shit almost looks like an indoor park. If I walked by and saw two strange old men with Styrofoam cups of coffee playing chess, I wouldn't even blink. I also wouldn't even blink if a colony of possums from the north wing passed by me while going to the south wing for winter. Even Jada and Will wouldn't notice.

This is the real secret to their long-lasting marriage. Jada and Will are always going on about how they keep their marriage hot by fucking each other's holes all over the place. Bitches, please.

The truth is their marriage has lasted so long, because they never see each other! It's too much work. When Will wants to visit Jada in her private suite at the opposite end of their compound, he needs a GPS system, three sets of fully charged batteries, a golf cart, a space blanket and a guide with a donkey to get there. It's easier just to send that bitch a postcard via Pony Express.

It's our future and you know what, I don't even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE's costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.

Don't you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who's simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.

Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber's new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn't the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber's balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.

And it's funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us "middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona." However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.

Here's another picture of Taylor's walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night's thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.

Willow Smith doesn't know MATHS since she's too busy whippin' her weave to the top of the pop throne, and apparently she doesn't know what rules are either. Jada Pinkett Smith tells Style Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that she and Will don't believe in telling their chirruns what to do and they work together to guide Willow and Jaden through life. And now Xenu's barley-laced dream of taking over the world with an army of spoiled Suri Cruises is one step closer to becoming a reality.

Jada explains, “We don’t have rules. We come up with agreements. Kids are little people, and we’re in life to guide them. Trying to rule someone is always an illusion, and it’s no different with children."

SANTO DIOS! My abuelita just did a slow wall slide while clutching her "weekday" plastic rosary. That is crazy talk to her. In my abuelita's house, there was one agreement: Do whatever the hell she says or don't cry when you're spitting up the bottom of her chankla for months.

But Jada says that even though they don't have rules, Willow is not stomping all over her in high-heels she borrowed from Suri's shoe closet. Jada talked about the time Willow went against her wishes by setting up a MySpace page, “I told her not to, so I was so mad. I said, ‘What do you think I should do now?’ So Willow said, ‘Mom, take my computer away’. And I said, ‘How long for?’. She said a month. So it’s negotiations. I’m not saying it’s always perfect. I have my bloops and my blunders. But I’m doing my best.”

And then two seconds after Willow handed over her MacBook Air, she picked up one of her iPhones and set up a Facebook page as Suri applauded.

And on the other side of the extreme coin, an abuelita wouldn't have taken away her laptop. No, an abuelita would've taken away the feeling in her hands. Good luck trying to reactive your MySpace page with your tongue.

At the ripe age of 9, Willow Smith can pat herself on the back for knowing how to wear the hell out of a pair of Converse leggings. And now she can also pat the last name on her birth certificate for helping her land a record deal with Jay-Z! And by land a record deal, I mean Will Smith put in a call.

Jay-Z released a statement saying that his Roc Nation Entertainment has signed the pop singer behind the hair whippin' song that has forced thousands of bitches to reach for a neck brace. And you know Willow Smith is going to put out a line of neck braces made out of giant bedazzled neon snap bracelets with shoelace fringe around it. Here's the statement from Jay-Z:

“It’s rare to find an artist with such innate talent and creativity at such a young age. Willow is about to embark on an incredible journey and we look forward to joining her as she grows in all aspects of her career.”

Willow Smith is only 9 years old and people are already talking about how she's going to knock Justin Bieber off the potty training throne and become the next pop superstar toddler sensation. At this point, Fisher Price is probably working on an auto-tune microphone for babies so that parents can turn their kids' first words into a dance song.

But I know what's really going on here. This is simply Jada Pinkett's way of trying to make the world forget about the Smith's family last assault on the music industry. Two horrifying words: WICKED WISDOM! I see you, Jada. No amount of hair whipping is going to knock off the open sore on my brain left by Wicked Wisdom!

No, no, that's not Erykah Badu. Jada Pinkett Smith is going to beat me with her strap-on for that one! It's Jaden Smith and his father Will sharing a tender moment during a press conference for The Karate Kid in Berlin.

This reminds me of when I was in junior high school and tried to grow out a glorious fro like Jaden's, but it ended up looking like Annie after getting tasered in the head. It was nothing like Jaden's. It was like a misshapen tumbleweed of sadness on top of my head. The asshole kids in my school called me Sidehomo Bob even long after I shaved that mess.

When I was 9 years-old I was running around the backyard of my house (yes, I would literally run around in a circle all day long) in my bumble bee Halloween costume, red high-top Converse and an acid wash jacket. And if my mother would've let, I probably would've worn that treasure trove of fuckery out in public. So little Willow Smith looking like Janelle Monae from the neck up and Scary Spice from the neck down isn't getting a side-eye from me yet.

At least she's not wearing a rhinestone g-string with pink pasties and high-heeled Jellies (that one's for you, Noah Cyrus), right? However, I refuse to comment on Jaden's Thriller jacket. It will always be too soon.

Here's more of Willow, Jaden, Will Smith, his butch beard Jada, Jackie Chan and Ralph Macchio at the premiere of The Karate Kid remake in L.A. last night.