Eyebrow Situation

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin'. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there's enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert's naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece "Pompoeoes" (that's German for "Poochie Queefs") in Berlin on Thursday and I don't know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops' exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom's makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom's shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald's face.

AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa's whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who's winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you're looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi's lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.

Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don't only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar's source had this to say about Demi's new "romance":

“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”

Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn't work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn't mean it can't work for Demi. I've always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar's true soulmate awaits.

I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent's eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it's a shame they don't wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:

In case you haven't already figured it out, that tingly sensation you're feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.

If you molded a Raven from RuPaul's Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz's hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge's escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh's old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you'd have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.

If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he'd be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!

Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don't pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters' eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!

Here's Jason Momoa with a side of Zoe Kravitz and a side of Lisa Bonet at the L.A. premiere of Conan the Barbarian, which is a shit show I'll wait to see in the comfort of my own private space so I can watch his King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs bounce in slow motion. But this isn't about Jason Momoa's King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs, surprisingly. This is about THOSE BROWS!

I've given several sermons about Jason's hairy eye triangles, but I'm still torn. There's the cholita lover in me that wants to wax them off with one swipe and throw them toward the Klingon homeland of Qo'noS where they belong. But then there's a part of me that think they look like the gentle waves that carried Jason Momoa to the shores of Hawaii after Neptune made him by mating with a black pearl oyster during a falling star storm. TORN!

While I continue to tear myself apart over this very important eyebrow issue, here's some more pictures from the premiere of this generation's He-Man movie including some pictures of Rose McGowan and Rachel Nichols. I'm guessing it rained Crisco in L.A. last night, because everybody looks greasy as all hell. Like they were in the wrong place when Tommy Girl sprayed out a lube fart. Well, everybody but Rose McGowan was greasy. But that's only because her skin is made of blotting papers. Rose is totally what it would look like if a sculptor with arthritis made a baby powder figure of Dixie Carter.

If I ever make it to the age of 92, I hope that like Helen Staudinger I:

1. Know my way around a brown Sharpie
2. Have crazy on my side
3. Am passionate when it comes to the game of love
4. Just don't give a fuck
5. Am not a good shot

You see, Helen's neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, refused her a kiss when she asked for one at his home in Ocala, FL last night. Helen did what any horny 92-year-old with eyebrows like a pony's tail would do. She went home, grabbed her gun and shot at his carport four times. One of the bullets was just inches away from hitting Dwight.

Dwight told police that he screamed at Helen to "get the fuck out of his house" when she asked for some lip action. Helen knows Dwight has a girlfriend, but she believes he belongs to her.

Helen was arrested and charged with discharging a gun at a home.

Somebody better get a camera crew down to the jailhouse in Ocala, because I bet Helen does the best rendition of "Cell Block Tango" EVER!!!!

And when Dwight comes running into Helen's carport to get that kiss (which he will), she better raise her pristine brow and tell him to get the fuck out of her house!

via MyFoxDFW

This is what the line to the glory hole at Cinderella Castle's must look like, right? But no, this is two of Disney's most ravishing and cherished Adonises, Zac Efron and Joe Jonas, sitting next to each other at the Calvin Klein Men's show in NYC yesterday. Thighs parted.... Hands politely clasped... They're as stiff as a Republican politician waiting for the airport men's room to clear. That could only mean one thing: they are trying desperately not to act on their impulse to cuddle on each other's honey buns right there in front of everyone. Oh, how Zac just wants to softly blow at Joe's brows and watch them dance like wheat in the wind. At least that's what the thought bubbles that I created for their asses say.

If only a butterfly made of strawberry gloss landed on Joe's lips during the show. Zac cannot ignore anything made of lip gloss so he'd have to plant his lips on Joe's. That's obviously what Kellan Lutz, Jack Huston and the only and only Bryan Boy were hoping to see too.

Lady Gaga is on the March cover of Vogue and despite the fact that she snatched Meloncat's Limecat's helmet and dipped it in cotton candy which caused her eyebrows to fearfully run into the forehead of a comforting chola, she looks almost normal-ish. Caca isn't wearing a dickey made out of silicone anuses or an outfit that can double as a 3rd grader's diorama project. Lady Gaga is actually wearing things that fall under the category of: clothes. That being said, Meloncat Limecat is still not amused by the wig snatch:

Ms. Swan, Louise Brooks and Trixie co-sign this. Meloncat Limecat was definitely #bornthisway while Lady Gaga was #boughtthisway. Meloncat Limecat is going to search the Vogue credits for this mess and his name better be printed next to "I owe everything to...."

And here's a few quotes from her interview with Vogue which have turned the inside of my stomach into the color of Caca's lips.

On how one of her greatest talents is not barfing on stage: "I don't know if you knew this. But the other night, in London, I had food poisoning. I was vomiting backstage during the changes. Nobody knew...I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. [I told myself] 'You will not vomit onstage.'"

On how she molests little monsters every night: "Sometimes, being onstage is like having sex with my fans. They're the only people on the planet who in an instant can make me just lose it."

On how her fans are bad kids, or something: "I see myself in them. I was this really bad, rebellious misfit of a person--I still am--sneaking out, going to clubs, drugs, alcohol, older men, younger men. You imagine it, I did it. I was just a bad kid. And I look at them, and every show there's a little more eyeliner, a little more freedom, and a little more 'I don't give a fuck about the bullies at my school.'"

On how she's full of so much modesty: "Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn't say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do. I think it’s OK to be confident in yourself."

Excuse you, Caca? The greatest voice in the industry? BITCH SHUSH! Until Kanye West snatches the mic out of Taylor Swift's hand and declares you the greatest, you are not the greatest. Or until the full name "Stacey Lynn Swain" appears on your birth certificate.

And by "it" I mean sipping on Smart Water and staring at full bottles of delicious Moet (Why wasn't anybody guzzling those bottles of sweet nectar like the new prohibition is right around the corner?!) together at the Golden Globes last night. Since Jake Gyllenhaal has broken his promise pinky swear with Taylor Swift, he brought his ex-girlfriend/friend Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley as his plus one to the GGs.

Of course, some people are saying that Jenny Lewis has rolled herself in beard hair and is curling up around Jake's face. Now, I haven't read the newest edition of UsWeekly: Indie Hipster Edition, but I'm pretty sure Jenny Lewis has been with the same dude for centuries. So she's probably just there for the free Smart Water and to inhale the candy clouds of sweetness wafting off of Jake's face merkin. I bet it smells like strawberry-flavored goat milk ice cream.

And Jenny Lewis' appearance at the Golden Globes was a long time coming. The real truth is that she should've been there 20 years ago to receive her award for Best Cookie Time Moves in Troop Beverly Hills.

Oh, and there's also a rumor that Jake was "flirting" with Camilla Belle (pictured below at some InStyle party last night) a couple of nights ago. Flirting my ass. Jakey is a true eyebrow aficionado, so he was simply breathing in Camilla Belle's exquisite brow situation with his eyes so he could sketch it later and hang that shit over his bed.

The game of life has never been a fair one, and here's yet another example of that. Talent has never been a friend of Jennifer Lopez and she's about as plain as a stale piece of Wonder Bread, but yet she's always bathed in diamonds, 20-ply cashmere and golden weave hair spun by Rumpelstiltskin. And here's Claudia Vazquez, a woman with so much shiny talent that it's liquefied and is seeping out of the pores on her eyelids. And yet, she's a struggling single mother who can barely afford a can of White Rain hairspray to keep her curly mane crunchy. Claudia knows this, so she is suing JLo for $10 million! Let it be known that I'm not the judge in this totally worthless case, but I'm still going to raise my gavel and give Claudia ALL DAH MONEYZ!

Claudia is a producer on Ojani Noa's film project and says that she has poured all of her blood, sweat and coins into the movie and it needs it to get made! This is the same movie that JLo is trying to stop from getting made, because Ojani plans to use intimate footage of her he took while they were married for a quick second. Claudia tells Radar that it's not fair that JLo has EVERYTHING and is still stomping all over her dreams. Cut to Claudia:

"I'm just me and I'm defending my career, my life. It isn't fair that Jennifer Lopez has all the money in the world. Why would she stop somebody that is so small for her? If Ojani is not important in her life, why would she waste so much money and time doing this? She is affecting my life, she is affecting my company, she's affecting my work and mostly, my kids. I already spent a lot of money on this movie. Just do whatever it takes and close the deal and make it happen. Just let him [Noa] go and let us make a movie. Talk to your advisers, talk to your heart, and let's just stop this nonsense... please."

Unfortunately, I don't think Claudia's plea is going to sway JLo. If anything it's going to make JLo turn it up. JLo is going to take one look at Claudia's intense beauty and will do whatever it takes to ruin her.

This is just like David and Goliath! Well, if Goliath was tone deaf and had a fat ass. And if David's bathroom drawer was filled with Bonne Bell and Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. TEAM BEAUTY (aka DAVID)!