Eyebrow Situation

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Susan Boyle, the most famous person in the universe, got her shrub brows pruned. Susan let a bitch take a machete to those things. Actually, it probably took a couple of machets, a pack of wild goats and a gallon of tar to get that much hair off her eyebrows. I mean, they are a direct descendants of Robin Williams' nipple bushes.

You know, I kind of miss Susan's old eyebrows. Whenever she sang, the wind from her mouth glided up to her eyebrows causing the follicles to dance in the light. Now they look like every other hos' brows.

The two foolios who posted videos on YouTube of themselves doing gross things to the food at Domino's were arrested and charged with distributing prohibited foods. That's just legal talk for "ass queefing on pepperoni." The po-po in Conover, NC said 32-year-old Michael Setzer already was released on bail, but 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds is still marinating in a cell.

Kristy needed to spend more quality time with those jerked up eyebrows and less time videotaping ole' boy effing his nostril with a piece of cheese before placing it on a sub. Seriously, the face should not have two different eyebrows. I know meth probably made the one on the left more spazzy, but a few plucks and a swipe from a Sharpie would fix that! I hope that while Kristy is sitting in a cell, she thinks long and hard about the pain she caused her eyebrows. Oh yeah, and she should also think about how drizzling butt air on people's food isn't right. Yeah, that's not good.

Source: AP

Your monitor might be foggy from the extreme amounts of elegance floating off of these pictures. The eyebrows alone can get into any fine restaurant where dozens of admirers will champagne and dine them. This is what sophistication is. And I have feeling that's what got these pristine and refined ladies arrested by the mega H8RS known as the police.

The Las Vegas Review Journal put out a photo spread of the 50 most gorgeous beauties in Las Vegas....who happened to get arrested. What did they do you ask? Basically, they were too beautiful. It's the story of Shauna Sand's life. Assault with elegance! Ravishing ladies have it so hard.

Okay, they were really arrested for whoring it out on the streetd. But it's not what you think! They are all virgins! They know how many eyebrow worshipers there are in the world (i.e. only me), so men from around the world travel to Las Vegas to pay these stunners to stare at their exquisite eyebrows up close. They are being punished for that because the city of Las Vegas really doesn't know how to handle natural beauty, so they cage it up!

This isn't the last we'll see of these gentlewomen. Don't be surprised if you see them on the catwalks of Paris. And by "catwalks of Paris," I mean Rock of Love Bus.

Click here to feast your eyes on all the gorgeousness, but you might want to look at a fugly picture of Wonky McValtrex in between viewings or you might go into cardiac arrest from being exposed to extreme amounts of beauty.

(Thanks to the 10,123,566,345 of you who sent this to me)

This shit comes straight out of the "You're a dumb bitch and eyebrow hater" file. Remember how Christina Raines said that her engagement to alleged lady killer Drew Peterson was a fake ass publicity spectacle? And how she and her two kids moved out of his death dungeon? Well, Christina is taking it all back. Last night Drew's sixth fiancee called The Chicago Tribune and told them she moved back in with him and their "relationship" is still going on.

You know, my eyebrows are done crying over Christina. There's no more tears. I just wish that her own ravishing eyebrows hop on the next Chinatown bus out of that bitch before it's too late. They can crash on Pia Glenn's couch. She obviously treasures exquisite eyebrows.

The next time I see a picture of dumb bitch Christina, I'm hoping the famewhore is complete eyebrowless. She doesn't deserve their love and affection anymore!

(Thanks Mary)

In this week's OK! Magazine they have a story about evil witch Vadge being jealous of her 12-year-old daughter's youth and beauty. This is some serious Snow White shit. I guess that makes A-Rod Dopey. When Vadge says, "Mirror mirror on the wall...Who's the-", the mirror cuts her off and says, "Bitch, don't embarrass yourself."

A source tells the magazine that Vadge knows Lourdes is going to grow up to be a hot bitch and dudes will soon start paying her some attention. This worries Vadge since she wants to be the one that dicks bark for. The source went on to say, "Knowing Madonna's taste for younger guys, it's a matter of course that they'll be dating men the same age. It's disturbing."

Vadge wants to keep Lourdes' beauty caged, so at a UNICEF event last year, the mean bitch refused to let a hairdresser work on her daughter's hair. A nosy bitch said that Vadge "probably didn't want her daughter to look better than her." Er. That feat is not hard to beat. I just picked a crusty caca ball from my eye that is sexier than Vadge.

And as for the hot pocket topic known as Lourdes' caterpillar eyebrows, Vadge is the one who refused to let her daughter get that shit bush whacked. Eventually, Vadge couldn't fight the battle anymore and allowed Lourdes to get them shaped, claims the source.

Sorry, Vadge. As a wise woman named Cristal Connors once said, "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." You can't fight the hot. And Lourdes should really watch out, because it's only a matter of time before Vadge tries to steal the hot right off of her.

And as for Lourdes' current eyebrow situation: needs more Sharpie.

At this second, this is the most glamorous and gorgeous woman on my monitor. Yes, I know after a few mouse clicks, I'll be saying the same thing about another broad, but let's not think about that right now. Let's live in this moment and gaze deep into Claudia Cardinale's stunning eyebrows. I must also mention her immaculate lip liner which goes perfectly with her beautiful roasted corn teeth. THIS is a woman.

I am not familiar with this ravishing creature, so I sashayed on over to Wikipedia and entered in her name. After the words "GORGEOUS BEAUTY" popped up in huge shiny letters, I read on and learned that she's an Italian actress who was in 8 1/2. Hmmm. I bet she knows Sophia Loren. And I bet they ARCH rivals. They stand across the room from each other at parties, slowly arching their beautiful eyebrows at each other. An eyebrow duel to the finish.

Here's the Jewel of Tunisia with some jolly pepaw and "Lambertz Monday Night party" at Alter Wartesaal - inside
Cologne, Germany - 02.02.09')" onmouseout="UnTip()">Jacqueline Bisset at a party in Germany last night. I'm serious. The eyebrows. I can't breathe.

Have you noticed that for the past month your eyebrows have been extra moist? That's because they have been crying tears over the fate of Christina Raines. If your eyebrows haven't already brushed you up on Christina, I will.

24-year-old Christina is the owner of two stunning eyebrows, she was also in the news for being Drew Peterson's new fiancée (gulp). Drew is the creep master who killed his fourth wife Stacy and third wife Kathleen. Oops. I mean, ALLEGEDLY offed them.

Well, your eyebrows can stop weeping. Christina has quit that alleged lady killer. Radar says that with the cops help, Christina moved out of Drew's house and she gave back the ring. Christina finally woke up, smelled the Sharpie and realized her beauty brows deserved better after watching Drew on Nightline. On the show, Drew said that there's no more romance in his life. He went on to say that he's only into flings now.

Christina is one brave (or stupid) bitch, because she confronted him about it. After a few arguments, she stormed out with her eyebrows still intact. When asked by Radar about the break-up, Drew said, "It's probably for the best, but we just spent thousands of dollars on new furniture."

Phew. Christina and her brows dodged a fucking bullet, knife, ax, rope or whatever the hell Drew's weapon of choice is. Now Christina can finally use her Sharpie for something other than painting in her gorgeous brows. She can use it to write a fucking tell-all and expose his ass!

When your eyebrows are so damn bushy that you have to shampoo, deep condition, blow dry and brush them each morning, it's time to whack that shit off. 72-year-old Si Burgher of Indiana finally tamed his out-of-control eyebrow situation by letting bitches trim them as part of a fundraiser for his Rotary International's PolioPlus project.

The Rotary members got the idea last week. Probably because they were sick of Pepaw Si asking them to braid his bush brows so he could see.

Several people paid $100 each to cut off a little piece of his eyebrows. They rasied a total of $1,600. His wife Amy did the honors with the first whack. She told MSNBC, "Beneath the eyebrows is a really handsome man. He looks like a normal person. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts." Damn. A normal person? Bitch could have cut off those brows with her words.

Pepaw Si really looks like he's in pain from getting his pubic bush brows chopped off. Look at him. He looks like someone strangled his puppy. He needs a hot cup of Metamucil, a caramel square and a warm compress. I'm tempted to call up one of my chola cousins in California and ask them to volunteer their eyebrow painting services to this old bitch. He might be crying tears of pain now, but he'll be crying tears of joy after they take a Sharpie to his brows. Who wouldn't want a pair of gorgeous cholita eyebrows? They might even throw in a tear drop tattoo for free.