Lady GaGa

If Robert Smith is having troubles moving his bowels this morning, he should just think of Lady CaCa stuffing mountains of the bad shit into her nose hole while listening to his music. That will help him.

23-year-old Lady CaCa says that after she dropped out from NYU, she spent her days alone in her apartment partaking in a sport called Lohan-ing. She said, "My cocaine soundtrack was The Cure. I loved all their music, but I listened to this one song on repeat while I did bags and bags of cocaine. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until my friends came over and said, ‘Are you doing this alone?’ 'Um, yes. Me and my mirror'. But I was able to stop, because I was panicking more on the drugs than I was sober. So I’m fine now."

Her poor mirror. And it's kind of funny, because Lady CaCa makes me want to shovel the bad shit into my nose. I have to stick corks in my nostrils to keep from snorting absolutely anything to deal with her fuckery-laced ridiculousness.

Here's Lady CaCa at the Monster Cable Launch party in Berlin yesterday. Bitch looks like Breathless Mahoney coming down from a bad acid trip at an S&M ball. And I loooooove the "Is this thing for real?" look on Dr. Dre's face.

When Posh Beckham and RiRi see these pictures of Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel throwing the glitter in Paris, they just need to lock themselves in their room and stay there for eternity. There's no way they will ever be able to compete with this kind of hardcore tranny mess glamour! Game fucking over. Bill has got this!

I mean, a leather turtleneck, Wite-out tipped nails, one of Steve Nicks' old scarves, studded suspenders and a weave that Donna Summer probably coughed up in the 70s.... RAV.I.SHING. I just want to pick him up and use his legs to eat an entire bowl of low mein with. And it would be delicious.

Here's more pictures of Bill making bitches faint at the sight of him in Paris. I also threw in some pictures of Lady CaCa arriving in Bill's home country of Germany today for comparison. CaCa has a look of shame on her face, because she knows that she will never EVER have it like that.

......a picture of Lady CaCa looking like Donatella Versace's roasted clitoris. And you know Donatella Versace has those pink cotton candy furries all over her puss stick. So, here's CaCa in the September issue of V Magazine. She must have not had enough time to work on her tuck game, because she just put a fluffy merkin over it. Good thinking, CaCa.

And Xtina is not going to appreciate CaCa ripping off her skin color! Xtina marinates in a bathtub full of bronzer and colonic fluid for hours every day just to achieve that color! The Oompa Loompa pre-op look will always belong to Xtina!

In that white box is a mound of deliciousness that has been blessed by angels. And behind that box is a mound of cacaness in sunglasses that my toilet won't even bless. Too mean? Well, GOOD FUCKING GOOD! While I'm sitting here, nibbling on a soggy microwave burrito, Lady CaCa gets to feast on the food of the Gods. I mean, I sometimes like my In-N-Out animal-style, but I never want it caca-style.

Something is wrong with this picture. THIS BITCH! She's always getting me good!

Here's LC leaving LAX yesterday and arriving at her hotel in West Hollywood with my dreams in a box.

Lady CaCa arrived at Heathrow today looking like a rejected fluffer from the porn version of The Lost Boys called The Lost Boys...In Your Ass. You know, this shit is not right. If my ass showed up to any airport wearing this exact outfit, they would immediately taser me in the crotch and ship me off to Guantanamo Bay. Which is what they should've done to Lady CaCa.

And it's safe to say that the whole vampire craze has officially gone too far. Lady CaCa will suck your blood and then slap you with her peen! Speaking of, bitch's tuck game is getting better.

South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe...she has semen in her name...hehehe) won the gold in the women's 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she's really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.

Officials say they don't believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a "medical condition." Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven't said what will happen if she's got a peen and a pooner.

Caster's daddy told a South African paper, "She is my little girl. ... I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."

You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn't slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It's that easy.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I've got an active imagination. Let's do this.

My inbox is really about to stick its head in an oven and commit suicides if it sees the subject "Lady GaGa has a dick" one more time. I was really trying to avoid this, because we've been traumatized enough this Friday and some of us are still a few hours away from Booze & Bong Time. But let's put on our rubber gloves and deal with it!

So, last year, this quote supposedly from Lady CaCa made the rounds:

Its not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female. Its just a little bit of a penis and really doesnt interfere much with my life. the reason I haven't talked about it is that its not a big deal to me. like come on. its not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot. i have both a poon and a peener. big fucking deal.
- L8d Gaga <3

Well, the probably fake quote is back and has been traveling around the internets again along with the video clip above. At the 1:00 mark, Lady CaCa gets off her bike and flashes what could be fat 'gina, extra-long labia lips, a plastic dildo, a flesh-colored feminine hygiene product (we've been here before) or a real peen. I've tried to examine closely, but the dry heaves got the best of me. I don't know if she's got a permanent dick on her box, but I do know that she's an attention whore who would pull some shit like this to get us all yapping. This much is true.

So, that's that. Now will someone please pass me a pitcher of gin and gasoline. Booze Hour has just been moved up!

P.S. - Jamie Lee Curtis is not amused by any of this!

Fucking shit fuck fuck shit fuck fucking fuck! THIS BITCH. Lady CaCa is really doing this! You know, a few days ago I saw pictures of her with the same eyebrows and figured that it was just a one-time thing. I thought that even her fool ass would realize that she is not worthy of such exquisite eyebrows. BUT here she is again! The Sharpie Corporation needs to send a cease and desist to Lady CaCa right away! Also, the cholas and the old crazy ladies of the world need to file a class-action lawsuit against her for copyright infringement!

I'm serious. I'd rather see Sharpie eyebrows on CHERYL BURKE'S floppy nalgas than this bitch. Anybody but this trick ass skank ho! Something must be done.

Lady CaCa visted an HIV support center in Manchester, England yesterday and talked about how she was doing charity work when she was a toddler.

Lady CaCa's mouth farted this: “I’ve been doing volunteer work since I was two. When I can, I do everything I can for those in need.”

Oh, she's being modest! Lady CaCa gave a special gift to the world as soon as she was born! She gave us the gift of regular bowel movements, because every time I see her my ass heads for the nearest toilet.

VIA The Sun

Lady CaCa says she wants to turn her suffocated pussay into a cherry picker and go a'pluckin' in Jonas Land. During an interview with the Daily Star (via Press Association), the performance fartist said, "I love the Jonas Brothers, they're very talented, I met them once, I'd like to have a foursome with them."

Herm. I'm pretty sure that the moment one of the Jonas Brothers stuck their purity poles into Lady CaCa's chocharonie would be God's cue to hit the button. The world has suffered enough.

Although, maybe a Jonas/CaCa fuck party wouldn't be such a bad thing. I mean, those three little twinkies would limp out of there with their Disney-owned nutsacks in one hand and their decapitated wangs in the other. No pro-creating for them! We all win.

But seriously, you know the Jonas Twinks have had more panty action than Lady CaCa. Purity schmurity.