Real Housewives Shit

Those of you who watch The Real Plasticwives of Orange County know that Droopy Dog Vicki's world crashed down to the same level as Alexis Bellino's IQ when she found out her daughter Briana eloped with her boyfriend at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas. I was shocked too, because I kept waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for the episode where Briana comes out as a proud labia-licking lesbian. It didn't happen and instead Briana married a dude. Vicki freaked out, because Vicki is Vicki and if it's not about Vicki Vicki doesn't like it. Vicki felt like Vicki's daughter robbed Vicki of the experience of being the mother of the bride at a wedding Vicki would've made all about Vicki. I'm typing Vicki's name so much, because blogging legend has it that if you don't type Vicki's name at least 25 times in a post about Vicki, you will awaken the Vicki monster and Vicki will crawl out of the closet to scream at you for not making this post all about Vicki!

During the past episode, Droopy Dog threw a marriage announcement/wine club (???) party for her daughter and Tamra asked Briana if there was a baby with a shot gun in there. Vicki's head nearly popped off and she said she wouldn't be able to take another bomb drop. Well, pull out your telescopes and search the sky for a soaring Vicki head, because Radar says that Briana's love tank is full of amniotic fluid:

The reality TV star is already four months pregnant and can't wait to be a mother, a well-placed source tells us.

The news likely came as another shock for Vicki who, as RadarOnline.com reported felt "confused and sad" when she recently learned about Briana's secret elopement.

Vicki hasn't yet given a statement about this, but we all know what her official response is. Yes, I'm using this GIF again:

Honestly, Vicki loves all of this. Ho loves the drama. If it allows her to be the neurotic, unreasonable, lunatic monster that she is, Vicki is all about it. Some people just love being crazy. Besides, Vicki will love her grandchild as long as Briana names it....wait for it...Vicki Jr.

In other OC Housewives, Lynne Curtin, the Steven Tyler-ish beauty who makes Alexis Bellino look like the founder of Mensa, is getting a divorce! Who will get control of her Cuffs of Love empire?!!!!

I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.

In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.

Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"

You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.

Personally, I think Sheree throwing the lines "Fix that face" and "Trim down those doggy teeth" at NeNe during the reunion earned her a ticket for season 5 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but Bravo isn't trying to agree with me. However, Marmaduke's cousin twice removed at the water dish is out there trying to spin it like she's the one who opened the exit door instead of getting evicted from the cast. Sheree told Wet Paint that the rumor that she was fired from the cast is false and she's leaving on her own free will. CAUTION: Delusion ahead.

“After four solid seasons of helping Bravo build the show into its most successful Housewives franchise, I have decided to leave. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle. I’m tired of the fighting and the cattiness.”

I want to be part of something that empowers and inspires women to not only be healthy, but to treat themselves with respect. I wish the rest of the women the best of luck. I’m thrilled to say I’m now a free agent and am already fielding offers.”

Translation: "After four solid seasons of making myself look like a delusional ass, I have decided to calmly leave before Bravo gets their security to drag me out. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle since the producers expect us to have money and I've only got a pile of dirt, a patch of grass and a few logs of squirrel shit to my name. I'm not joking. Have you seen Chateau Sheree lately? I'm tired of buying $1200 dresses to wear on camera and I'm really tired of those salespeople at Neiman's rolling their eyes at me when I go to return that shit. I was about to say that I'm tired of the cattiness, but then I realized that I'm usually the bitch who starts it all!

I want to be a part of something that pays in cash and requires me to do as little as possible. I wish the rest of the women will go to hell. I'm thrilled to say I need a damn job and am already fielding offers. And by that I mean two bill collectors are trying to crawl through my A/C vent. Who gon check me boo? Oh, Bravo just did."

But seriously, I, for one, will miss Sheree's beautiful delusions of grandeur. It takes a special someone to drive around in a leased $120,000 Porsche with confidence while tumbleweeds blow through her checking account.

The rent is due on Kim Zolciak's new multi-million dollar mansion and so here she is proudly showing off her dollar sign fetus in this week's Life & Style. The wig-wearing Silicone whore walrus of The Real Trashwives of Atlanta birthed out her son Kroy Jagger ten months ago, but the AA batteries on her relevancy clock are almost drained, so she's pushing out another one while she can still collect a check from L&S. 33-year-old (HA!) Kim is four months pregnant and says that she and her husband Kroy Biermann completely planned this:

"Kroy and I are so excited. To decide we wanted to get pregnant again and have it happen so quickly was such a blessing.

People are going to be shocked, because nobody knows. I'm so excited that KJ will have a little buddy."

That means we're living in a world where a Kuntrashian, Snooki and Kim Zolciak are all carrying spawns at the same time. The celebrity money baby trifecta is complete and the world's power has shifted to the Illuminati. We're now asshole deep in the Fame Whore Age and it's only going to get darker. Don't believe me? Let me remind you of what happened the last time Kim was knocked up with a baby who is now being raised by nannies and reality show producers:

Not today. Not ever.

On Sunday night's The Real Howives of Atlanta, common felon turned kept bitch Marlo Hampton got into a butch bitch battle royale with resident doberman Sheree Whitfield and it quickly turned into Marlo bragging about how her townhouse is paid for, her Aston Martin is in her name and she didn't have to spend a cent of her own money on her adam's apple removal surgery. (I made that one up, but pass me Marlo's medical file and I'm sure I'll be able to point to it.) Sheree then let it be known that Marlo got all of the fancy shit she owns by opening her legs to an 80-year-old white sugar daddy. I know, Sheree said it like it's a bad thing. Marlo is just using what a good surgeon gave her to make it rain hundred dollar bills without getting out of bed. My dream job.

Part of me thinks that Marlo was one of those frontin' hos who drives a 1988 Toyota Tercel with an Aston Martin shell over it, lives in the detached garbage behind the townhouse she says she owns and buys all of her luxury "designer" bags from an exclusive boutique housed in the back of a truck. But if Hello Beautiful (via C+D) is right, then I'm very wrong. Because they're hearing from a source that Marlo hit the sugar daddy jackpot yeeeeaaaars ago when billionaire Ted Turner put her on his payroll:

“Ted Turner was Marlo’s sugar daddy. My understanding is that Marlo is one of the reasons why Jane Fonda divorced Ted Turner.

Ted Turner is the 'sponsor' who financed the The Red Carpet Boutique Marlo had at the Perimeter mall in ATL. Marlo knows how to get money, she’s a true hustler.”

Well, color me impressed and punch me in the face with a Hanoi Jane fist. Marlo is not only a spot-on Chilli from TLC female impersonator, but she's also a successful gold digger. Marlo's talents know no bounds and here she is showing off one of the talents she shares with her arch rival Sheree:

Say what you want about Marlo, but you can't deny that she has the fighting skills of one of those sound-activated goblin Halloween props you buy at Walgreens. Now that is a true talent.

No mug shot camera has ever frosted up the way one did when the belle of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Dwight Eubanks, posed in front of it after getting arrested in Atlanta last Wednesday. Believe it or not, Dwight wasn't arrested for assault with a deadly pucker. Mr. Peanut's charm school coach and long-lost twin was put into handcuffs for driving with a suspended license. The most embarrassing part is that Dwight was pulled over in a Chevy Tahoe. A delicate dandy like Dwight should be chauffeured around in a gold carriage pulled by white stallions wearing gingham print capes. Not a Chevy Tahoe! My body just went as limp as Sheree's dick after Bob served her.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says that Dwight was pulled over for a burnt out headlight and when they asked for his identification, he showed them the label on a jar of Planters Peanuts. That wasn't good enough for the police and when they did a quick search on Dwight, they found that his license was suspended. Dwight was arrested, charged and later released.

Dwight is the sweet treat you find in the middle of a Tootsie Pop and his queefs are the secret ingredient in smelling salts, so how dare he be treated like this. Dwight gets arrested for driving with a bunk license, yet Sheree struts free even after she murdered dozens of ear drums with this:

At least I think that's Sheree "singing".... But if you told me it was Scrappy-Doo, I wouldn't call you a liar.

(Mugshot of Beautee via MyFoxPhoenix)

But in a shocking turn of events, this time she's actually the one married to the married man!

A flock of white doves wearing tiny blond wiglets flew over Atlanta yesterday after 33-year-old (in Courtney Stodden years) Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta married the man who owns the ass that she was creaming at the mouth over all last season. Kim and Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Biermann married on 11/11/11, because her lacefront squeezed her last memory chip out of her brain and those numbers added together make up his IQ, so it's an easy date to remember (but you know those dumb bitches will still forget it).

Life & Style, who paid for the EXCLUSIVO rights for the wedding pictures with a half-full jar of wig glue and an at-home collagen kit, has all the details that I know you give a thousand fucks about:

"This has been the happiest day of my life," Kim exclusively tells Life & Style. "It's been perfect. It's been a dream come true."

As Life & Style previously reported, Kim, 34, and Kroy, 26, got engaged in October after welcoming their first son, Kroy Jagger, together in May.

"He makes me a better person," says Kim. "I love everything about him."

The couple met at a charity function in 2010, during the filming of the third season of the hit Bravo reality series. Kim has two daughters, Brielle and Ariana, from a previous marriage. This is the first marriage for Kroy.

If NeNe, Phaedra, Cynthia and HeRee were there, they probably synchronized their divorce clock watches and made bets on if Kim is going to beat Kim Kardashian's 72 second-long queef of a marriage record. I'll bet that she will. This marriage is going to last about as long as the time she was a lesbian.

Kim will probably have to slap on a divorcin' wig in a few months, but at least 11/11/11 will always be the day that she wore a dress that made her look like her belly button heaved out intestines made of satin. This is the hideous barf spray of a wedding gown that Kim wore and ONTD says that the pre-owned dress cost Kim $58,000.

Yes, 58 fucking thousand dollars for a dress that looks like Liberace shat crystals on a Ballard Designs comforter and then slit its stomach and pulled out all of its satin internal organs. It's like the tackiest satin blood clot you've ever seen. To think, Kim could've had a She by Sheree ORIGINAL and she went with this shit instead? I bet Sheree shook her head at that thought as she collected the centerpieces from each table so she can sell them on eBay and pay her rent next month.

Aaaaaand add this to the long list of shit we can blame Tyra for.

On the left is Melissa Gorga, the tone-deaf trophy wife of Teresa Giudice's (aka Gorilla Head) brother on The Real Housewives on New Jersey. On the right is Melissa Gorga wearing a recycled low-budget fat suit and a droopy prosthetic chin for one of those useless social experiment episodes of Entertainment Tonight. We know how this is going to go. Melissa is going to cry about how everyone stared at her and treated her differently when she had on the fat suit, and once she transforms back into a vapid skinny bitch she'll treat fat people with kindness. Or some other jack off hand motion like that.

Bitch, people aren't staring at you, because you're fat and have a camera crew following you. They're throwing you scared looks, because you don't even have a human body. People don't look like that. You look like a bag of melted caramel marshmallows after a Pepto-Bismol bottle shat all over it. Not to mention that your chin is about to unlock from your head and fall to the sidewalk to be devoured by pigeons. Eric Stoltz in Mask, you are not!

I'm all for ET conducting one of these social experiments even though they have been done a thousand times before and are so played out that even Fishsticks Paltrow's stupid ass did it in a movie, but couldn't they have spent more money on a better fat suit? The Bed, Bath and Beyond plastic bags full of 4 pillows that I carried on the subway this past weekend would've made a better fat suit than that piece of shit crap on her body. A STUNT QUEEN with a pauper budget is the worst.

Massive Mocha, please squash this dumb bitch.

The Seal Team 6, The National Guard, Sylvia Browne, peroxide-sniffing dogs and a group of concerned citizens (body count: 0) all gathered in Virginia this morning after noted STUNT QUEEN, White House Crasher and asshole of The Real Housewives of DC, Tareq Salahi, told TMZ that he believes his wife and partner in fakery Michaele Salahi was kidnapped since she hasn't been home for a full day. The good (?) news is that Michaele wasn't snatched, is still alive and simply took a midnight train. The bad news is that the midnight train wasn't headed for the edge of a cliff. The midnight train was headed for Nashville where Michaele met up with her side-piece Neal Schon from Journey. HAMber alert!

This pr stunt mess all started when Michaele called Tareq last night from a strange phone number and said she was going to her mom's. Michaele's mom told Tareq that she never spoke to her daughter and she wasn't at her house. So naturally, Tareq figured that Michaele was kidnapped and her abductors were making her say she's okay. When Michaele didn't come home this morning, Tareq begged the FBI to help him find his wife. The FBI rolled their eyes and wouldn't waste tax dollars on that mess since they know how the Salahis do it. Tareq later held a press conference where he said that he's being serious and asked the public to help him find his wife ("OKAY!" - nobody from the public).

Tareq might need the public to help him find a divorce attorney that works for free, because a rep for Journey confirms to TMZ that Michaele is traveling around Tennessee with her piece Neal Schon. A source claims that Michaele and Neal have known each for a while and used to crash each other's genitals.

Is TMZ sure they got a statement from the real rep from the real Journey? Knowing Michaele's lying ass, she's probably really dating a guy who once sold a guitar to Neal Schon on Craigslist and gets his biggest score on Guitar Hero when he plays "Any Way You Want It." I hope I'm right for Neal's sake. It's one thing to always get mistaken for a Claymation Bruce Springsteen, it's another for people to think that you're doing one of the White House Crashers.

If the Mayans are right and 2012 is the year of We're Fucked, then that means 2011 is the year of Fuck It which makes sense when you look at this cover of The Real Housewives of NYC's Kelly Benismon on September's Shape Magazine. Yes, THAT Kelly Bensimon. The Kelly Bensimon who really looks like a water-damaged leather duffel bag handle with tits that are slowly starting to migrate to her back so that they can slide down and escape out of her asshole. Shape Magazine didn't even try to make that ho on the cover look like Kelly Bensimon. Bitches used the hell out of the Honey Badger tool on Photoshop!

You know, I take it back. This isn't the work of Photoshop. This is the work of copy + Elmer's. The body, the face, the earrings and the hair are all strangers to each other and were forced together in a nightmare land. This is basically the Breakfast Club of magazine covers. I've seen badly cut out paper dolls that look more human than this.

And Kelly told Shape (via Radar) that despite the rumors that the bad shit has eaten the sanity out of her brains, she's completely drug-free:

“My body is like a Ferrari. I know what it needs to run well — and that doesn’t include drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes.”

A Ferrari? HO STOP. More like the torn out leather seat of a broken Ferrari that has been left out in the middle of a junkyard for the pit bulls to chew at.

Here's Kelly working her real body last March in a photo shoot for Abs of Meth.