Real Housewives Shit

Bethenny Frankel better come out with a Skinny Girl Dramamine-tini, because the world at large is going to need it when Kelly Bensimon of The Real Housewives of New York City flaunts her lopsided tittays in the pages of December's Playboy. That is the worst Christmas present ever.

InTouch Weekly says that Kelly won't bare it all. Thankfully, she's keeping her leather cooch wallet to herself. Kelly's ex-husband, photographer and former Elle creative director Gilles Bensimon, will shoot the pictures. The source added, “Kelly is a former model, so she will be a natural."

This is going to be Playboy's thickest issue, because Kelly's "at war" boobies won't fit on one page together. One titty will be on page 6 while the other will be on page 10. It's going to be like putting a damn puzzle together.

Why didn't I see this coming? This is a picture I never knew I always wanted, but I really did always want it. If that doesn't make any sense, blame it on my one working brain cell trembling while trying to process this picture of greatness.

During NeNe's meeting of the famewhores with fellow Real Housewife Gretchen Rossi, they got a visit from street ROYALTY! Quween on the Scene sniffed out the "posarassi" and got in NeNe's shot. That's not the only thing she took from NeNe. Notice how Quween is reaching around to NeNe's backside. Quween knows that NeNe keeps her crisp bills between her luscious ham cheeks. SNATCH! That's exactly why she's with the Quween!

Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County and NeNe from The Real Housewives of Atlanta had lunch together in Beverly Hills where fake kissed in front of everyone. Suddenly, the health department showed up, slapped a grade: FAIL on the door and shut the joint down. And not because of NeNe or Gretchen, but because Slade Slimey's skeezy ass was there. Yes, Gretchen is still screwing on Slade for the sake of publicity. How dreadful.

And we can all co-sign the look on Greg's face in most of these pictures. Pepaw is not having fun. If they were giving out euthanizations on the street corner, he would've been the first in line!

On second thought, NeNe's open meat locker isn't exactly Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's cup of peen, I mean cup of tea, so he probably didn't giggle over this one.

Anycastersemencrotch, on last night's episode of The Real Broke Hos of Atlanta, NeNe unveiled all of the alter-ego photos Derek Blanks took of the housewives. The plan was for the poortraits (typo-ed on purpose) to be unveiled inside of a rented big fancy mansion, but since the real housewives were involved, they were all evicted from the house and forced on to the driveway. NO. They had to present the pictures outside, because one of Kim's bootleg Louboutin heels broke while she was trying to cross the tightrope. AHAHAHA! Bitch went down. Unfortunately, her road kill wig didn't try to jump off while it had the chance.

Kim was forced to tend to her wounds in her SUV while everyone oooh-ed and coooo-ed around her. You know, Kim needs to learn the difference between hurt moans and fuck moans, because her groaning sounded like Big Poppa was pinching her ass lips with his teeth. My genitals do not need to be exposed to that image!

And here's the rest of the alter-ego pictures. We have:

Kandi as a drunk driver and her victim
Kim as a Stepford corpse and as a mistress whore corpse
Lisa as Adina Howard and as Tootie from Facts of Life
Nene as Shaq in drag and as Shaq in drag
Sheree as a biological woman and as a biological man

Teresa Guidice birthed a fourth daughter yesterday night. Bravo's The Dish reports that Teresa and her juicy delicious bulldog of a husband named their fourth mob princess Audriana Giudice. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that she didn't named her Prostitution Whore Giudice. Maybe Danielle already has that baby name reserved for future use?

Audriana joins sisters Gia, Gabriella and Milania. Audriana should keep her eyes shut as long as she can, because as soon as she opens them, Teresa will be whoring her out to agents as the newest newborn supermodel sensation.

And I hope Audriana didn't inherit her mother's "crouching hairline, hidden forehead." That wouldn't be cute.

It took her long enough, but the check bouncing queen of The Real Housewives of Atlanta finally hit NYC Fashion Week and showed a line of actual clothes. Now, before you fart about how Sheree doesn't know dick about fashion, you should know that she spent about 25-minutes sketching these creations herself on Fashion Plates. BAM. Who gonna check me boo?

But unfortunately, it looks like Shit By Sheree is tardy to the trend party, because half of these clothes could have been found discarded on the dressing room floor of a Wet Seal in 2002. Cut to Dwight clutching his pearl necklace (sexy) and cooing, "How dreeeeeeaaadful."

P.S. - Yes, that is Sheena, the flexible hoochie, from ANTM in thumbnail #4. How did Sheree afford her? Hopefully, Sheena knows all about Sheree's trampoline checks and made the dude pay her in cash.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak will not stand for Prop 8! She will duct tape her nipples in the name of free publicity equality! But seriously, Kim should've used some of that duct tape to cover up her low-budget Barbie wig, because it needs to stop. I'm joking! Kim is doing it for a good cause.

Kim brought her leased (4 more payments!) tittays out just so Mah Boo Anderson Cooper and I can get married under a silver moon one day. Thank you, Kim! At our reception, you can sing an acoustic version of "Tardy for the Party"......at the end of the night. That will be everyone's cue to get the hell out!

Click here to learn more about the NOH8 Campaign.

On the reunion show for The Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen Rossi said that her rich sugar pepaw didn't leave her trillions of dollars when he went off to heaven. Well, TMZ says that Gretchen's dead fiance, Jeff Beitzel, left her around $2.5 million.

Apparently, Jeff's ex-wives (he has a clan of them) are shaking their fists and farting at Gretchen's direction, because they are not happy she got so much money.

Gretchen wants everyone to know that she loved loved loved Jeff and is disgusted that hating bitches think she was with him only because he kept her slathered in diamonds. Because of this, Gretchen is donating all of the money to charity. SIKE! Bitch is keeping that cash!

But you know, Gretchen deserves it, because she put her career (HA!!) on hold to take care of Jeff. And by "take care of Jeff," I mean call him every other day while she was partying in Lake Havasu and shaking her Tupperware tittays in Las Vegas. We should raise our glasses of Sanka and Red Bull to Gretchen, because she truly is the Florence Nightingale of gold diggers.

And here's some pictures from last month of Gretchen still mourning the loss of her fiance by frolicking on the beach with a used laxative who goes by the name of Slade Smiley.

P.S. - Now that Gretchen is a millionaire, maybe she can give Tamra a loan!

Those dudes out there who love nothing more than to caress their huevos against a piece of rough weathered leather are in luck! The Real Housewives of Orange County's very own Lynne Curtin might be quitting her husband for good! That's what Radar Online says anyway. Apparently, Lynne isn't happy that they are about to be kicked out of their house for not paying $12,000 and she's blaming it all on her husband Frank.

A source (*cough*Tamra*cough*) said, "Lynne blames Frank for all of their financial problems. She thinks Frank has been hiding the bills from her. Frank doesn't want a divorce but he may not have any choice here.”

IN THIS ECONOMY, Frank's business isn't doing too well and he hasn't really had a job in 2 years. Leather polish doesn't come cheap and Lynne uses gallons of it to keep her hide looking shiny, so she's going to have to find a new wallet to fuck on.

Eff Frank! Lynne doesn't need his ass anyway! You know......since Steven Tyler is out of the game for a little while, Lynne should temporarily take his place so that Aerosmith's tour can go on! Nobody would ever know. All problems solved!

Mah Boo took a little break from writing me lengthy love letters with his silver peen (LET ME DREAM) to call into Watch What Happens Live last night to talk to The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak.

We all know that Mah Boo percolates for NeNe and she has nothing to worry about. I don't think Mah Boo will be hand feeding Kim's wig Bon Bons anytime soon. Speaking of the polyester shrub on Kim's head, Mah Boo actually said he had no idea she wore a wig until she admitted it on the reunion show. Fuck me on a tightrope, because Mah Boo is telling lies! You know he's been to a drag show or fifty, so I'm sure his wigdar is working just fine.

Mah Boo also asked Kim how she makes money and her answer was something like: "Well, I have a nursing degree and I waitressed full-time....five years ago. Big Poppa supports me now." Bitch, stop the foolery and just say it loud and proud: "I'M A WHORE!!!" It's totally what she writes down on her tax returns under occupation, so she should just be real about it. There's nothing wrong with sucking wang for wigs!

I leave you with the walking Museum of Wigs at JFK the other day.