Real Housewives Shit

We finally got to hear Kim's gift from god on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" last night and I hope she got a gift receipt with it, because her voice is whacked. The bitch sounds like a deaf seal who hit her head on a rock before falling into a well where she's squealing in misery. NeNe was definitely right when she said that Kim's wig is on too tight, because the bitch is delusional if she thinks that she really has a beautiful voice.

In addition to learning that Kim has a voice like a bruised mammal in pain, we also learned some other things about her. I put it in a list since everyone loves lists!

Kim Gets Botox - 30-year-old Kim has been getting Botox every 6-months since she was 24, because "white cracks." She needs to get Botox in her vocal chords to shut her ass up so we won't have to hear her sing anymore.

Kim Doesn't Know The ABCs Of Music: After meeting with a vocal coach, Kim is told she doesn't know what she's doing. The vocal coach tells her she's a beautiful house with a crack in the foundation. Kim says she doesn't need to know the ABCs of music because she's a singer. No, you're a dumb fuck, not a singer.

Kim Doesn't Know Her ABCs At All: During lunch with Dallas Austin, Kim tells him about her conversation with the vocal coach. In the conversation, the vocal coach asked Kim what "2+2" is? Kim answered 4. The vocal coach then asked, "How do you spell cat?" Kim answers, "K-A-T." KAT! Sheree was also at the table and gave a look, but didn't say shit. KAT! I can't....

Kim Has Never Had Guacamole Before: Who hasn't had guacamole before?!

Kim Drinks And Drives: In one scene, Kim is playing her god awful song for Sheree in her Porsche with a big, glass of white wine in her hand. What's the number to 9-1-1?!

Kim Has A Lot Of Nerve: Kim and NeNe get into a fight, because NeNe has a sense of humor and Kim doesn't. Basically. Kim sends NeNe a mean text and calls her a "Low Budget Bitch!" Kim needs to look up the phrase "low budget," because staring back at her will be a supersized picture of her WIG!

And Sheree needs to go to the Free Clinic and get hers ears checked, because she actually said Kim has a beautiful voice. NO. You know who has a beautiful voice on that show? NeNe! She's the real music superstar of Atlanta. Above is Kim's whoreiffic warble and below is NeNe's beautiful song about Kim. You be the judge:

When Kim Zolciak of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" proclaimed on the show that she was twenty-fucking-nine, television sets across America simultaneously received a huge load of various soft drink brands on their screens. You could hear the millions of cackles from space. Well, Kim stands by her story and she blogged about it:

Wow!!! As you can see by watching this episode things have changed. I planned a breakfast with Nene, Cori, and Sheree so we can catch up and spend time together. Nene, Cori, and I were at the Intercontinental when I found out Sheree was so sick. I felt terrible for her -- she doesn't have a husband that can take care of her so I figured I would bring her some medicine. It was great to see her. I couldn't believe how sick she was and how GREAT she looked.

Sheree and I met through NeNe a couple years ago and we are just now beginning to get to know each other. I really like Sheree. We are both divorced and our children are close in age, as well as we are both chasing our dreams. The more time I spend with her the more I like her.

Since Sheree couldn't attend the breakfast I planned a spa day at Kai Spa. I invited Sheree, NeNe, and my BFF Cori. I love the spa. I love to take care of my skin. ALTHOUGH all the blogging going on states "I can't possibly be 29" I am actually 30 years old now.

You know it took her hours to write that last sentence. When she hit the "3" on her keyboard, it kept coming up as "4." She couldn't figure out what was going on. Well, any self-respecting keyboard cannot tell a lie! I can't wait until next week's episode where NeNe calls that bitch out on her age! I can always count on NeNe to tell the fucking truth.

Besides the preview for next week's hopefully hot episode, nothing really happened last night. DeShawn's big gala was a big bust, because she didn't sell enough "jooree." Big Papa bought Kim some ugly ass bracelet you can get at Claire's. And Kim backstabbed NeNe by palling around with Sheree, who really does remind me of the Lady Chablis from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil! It would make my year if I could watch Sheree to say "I'm the Lady Chablis! Hear me roar!"

UPDATE: Last week, Sandra Rose posted a court document which states that Kim is in fact 30. I just can't believe this shit. Even if you handed me her birth certificate, I still couldn't say she's 30 without busting out laughing. I won't believe this shit until you build me a time machine and take me back to 1978 to witness her birth!

Thanks Elizabeth, Cisco & Lahoma

As NeNe would say, "This is some booolllllshiiiiit!" On last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim made a couple of "bitch, please" statements. The kind of shit that will make your Tivo automatically rewind by itself just so it can hear that shit again.

First of all, Kim said she is 29 and looks good for her age. Please don't take this bitch seriously. That blonde wig-weave creature on her head is obviously too tight. She has no idea what the hell is coming out of her mouth. I think she really meant to say that the animal on her head is 29-years-old.

The second statement came when Kim was talking about wanting to have a career in country music. She said that a lot of people tell her she looks like Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood. If you ask me, she looks more like a ran over Vivian Ward. But that's just me.

And once again, the voice of wisdom, NeNe, had this to say about Kim's career as a country music singer: "I've only heard her hummm. You know, they may do that now. They may give record deals to people who hummm. Maybe you can get hummm and get a Grammy."

Somebody please get a statement from NeNe on what she thinks about Kim claiming she's 29!

Kim also talked about this mysterious Big Papa character again. I've been hearing all sorts of things about the true identity of Big Papa. I heard he was some mob dude. I also heard he's really Quincy Jones. And some seem to think he's married real estate mogul Lee Najjar. I bet it's none of them. Knowing this "Barbie hair for brains bitch", it's Papa Smurf.

Below is the clip of Kim telling a bunch of falsities. I swear, if she claims her hair is real, lightning better strike that bitch down.