Real Housewives Shit

The Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leakes has a book out called Buy This So I Don't Get Evicted Again Never Make The Same Mistake Twice and in it she talks about how she once popped her pussay for a dollar when she was in her 20s. But who hasn't? I'm sure Kim Zolciak has made her merkin shimmy to pay a car note. On second thought, Kim is hardcore. She's not a stripper, she's a straight up prostitution whore. Ah, but I digress...

Nene writes in her book (via Gatecrasher), "Yes, I was a stripper - let the judgments ensue. I'm not ashamed. What difference does it make if I danced or not? Is the sun going to stop shining? Is my past taking food out of your mouth? [I stripped] for the sake of my son, and to restore my confidence in myself. My son was in private school, his father wasn't chipping in for ­pull-ups or food, I had no job and no money coming in, the rent was past due, and the super told me and my roommate that our condo owner was about to put us out. It was about survival. I could make $500 off one guy just by turning him on. These men were obviously there to see what I had, and I quickly realized that those men weren't there to make me feel bad about myself."

I would never judge NeNe for getting paid. A dollar is a dollar. But I will judge her for her choice of a stripper name. NeNe says she want by the moniker "Silk." Now I know NeNe can do better than that! I mean, was The Chocolate Fox already taken? Or PuNeNe? Or LBB (Low-Budget Bitch)? Any of those are better than Silk!

And if NeNe should ever decide to make her triumphant return to the pole, this should be the song she bumps it to. I present to you the full version of Kim Zolciak's "Tardy for the Party."

I'm sure you can see Kim performing this soon-to-be international hit at the wig section inside a swap meet near you!

I'm so disgusted with myself, because I've been singing this song all day. Why do I hate myself so?

(Thanks ChicagoSnitch)

Get ready to add Lynn Curtin's name to the long list of hos from The Real Housewives series who have been kicked out of their humble abodes due to not paying their bills! TMZ says that while the cameras were rolling, Lynn received an eviction notice from her landlord telling her to pay $12,000 or take her leathery ass elsewhere. Stupid ass Lynn probably said thank you when she received the eviction notice, because she thought it was a love letter or some shit.

The eviction notice states that Lynn and her husband have not paid a $10,000 security deposit for the house they rent in Laguna Beach. They also owe landlord another $2,400 for other fees. AND they recently got their utilities shut off, because they didn't pay for that shit either.

The electricity in Lynn's head has been turned off for years, so this probably isn't a big deal to her. Actually, she probably didn't even notice. This IS the dumb dumb who didn't even know if she had air conditioning in her house.

I guess Curtin's Cuffs (formerly Cuff Luv) never became the worldwide fashion sensation Lynn thought it was going to be.

And coming soon to Bravo: The Real Housewives of the Projects starring Lynn, Jeana, Sheree, Lisa Wu, NeNe and Tamra! Honestly, that sounds like a hot show.

It's no secret that Mah Boo Anderson Cooper gets giddy like Tommy Girl at a gloryhole over NeNe Leakes and the feeling is mutual. Last night on The Silver Fox 69me, Erica Hill showed Mah Boo a couple of NeNe's interviews where she expressed her love for her sessiest fangay.

Now, NeNe is my hag in my head, so I will refrain from shouting "BITCH DON'T" at her for calling Andy her boo. The truth is, I think NeNe is Andy's boo too, because look at how he's getting all blushy in the face. Aw. I bet his precious nalgas got a little pink too. When Andy gets the gayggles, my nipples swooooooon.

During the "lost footage" episode of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta, esteemed business woman Lisa Wu showed off her private bowling alley in the basement of her ridiculous mansion. Well, Lisa and her fine ass husband will have to knock her pins down in a urine-scented bowling alley with the rest of us, because bitch has been put out on the curb!

TMZ says that Lisa Wu has joined Sheree as a member of the "Bitch Got Evicted" club. Lisa and her husband Ed stopped making payments on their loan, so the bank sold the house and kicked them the hell out. Lisa and Ed bought the joint for $2.9 million two years ago and the bank sold it for $1.9 this month.

Lisa's cousin rep said that before they were evicted, they were trying to negotiate a new loan with the bank, because their house wasn't worth as much anymore....blah...burp...fart...blah... The rep added: "Ed and Lisa are fine. They have settled in their new home, that sits on 10 acres and they OWN it!"

You know their new "house" on 10 acres is a fancy tent with a hot plate and a camping toilet inside of it. They are doing it "HUNG-style." I can't wait to see how Business Woman is going to explain this on the reunion show. She should just blame Kim's gutter ass wig. When all else fails, blame Kim's WIG!

TMZ claims this is a picture of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak trolling around with the mysterious (not really) Big Poppa at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas last November. I'm just going to tell myself this is Kim even though the trick in the picture isn't wearing a wig that looks like it was pieced together using Falcor's asshole hair and Jessica Simpson's leftover weave tracks found in the dumpster outside of Ken Paves' favorite glory hole. Maybe Kim went down to the Mattel factory and upgraded? But the little troll does look like Lee Najjar who has pretty much been confirmed as Big Poppa. Anyway, you can go about your day knowing that you might have seen a picture of the "trash box" (NeNe's words) and her sugar toddler.

And let this be your soundtrack for the day. This is a clip of Kim's new and not improved version of Tardy for the Party! Gone is the country warble! Bitch sounds like she's singing into a megaphone in front of a high-powered fan. The sound effects on an Atari game don't even sound this fucking digital. I still prefer NeNe's version.

Kelly Bensimon is here (*lifts up hand above head*) and Gerard Butler is across the fucking room, because he's trying to avoid her at all costs! Gatecrasher says Gerard, who was probably mixing his booze types that night, flirted with The Real Housewives of NYC's Kelly Bensimon at a party last June. Kelly thought she was going to get a piece of The Butler, because they exchanged numbers and everything. Well, Gerry never called. Cut to last week....

Gerry and Kelly were once again at the same party. A nosy ho said that while Gerry was laying his best moves down on Rose Byrne from Damages, Kelly tried to block him from the punani. The witness said, "Kelly blocked Gerard from speaking to Rose and was flirting up a storm - but he couldn't have seemed less interested."

Manwhore Gerry has admitted that he's a lover of chichis, so my guess is that he didn't know what to make of Kelly, because he couldn't locate her damn titties! Seriously, you need a compass and a prayer to find those things. One is heading for the vacation spot called her LOWER BACK and the other one seems to be stuck in her armit. Gerry got confused, because he didn't know if that was a fake breast or if her armpit burped.

IknowIknowIknowIknowIknow..... This is the second RHOA post in a row. I will bring this issue up with my Skype therapist (aka whoever I meet on Craigslist' casual encouters) during one of our weekend sessions. So...

Entertainment Tonight says that there was another rumble in Atlanta which ended in Kim filing a police report against NeNe. How dreadful! The police report states that Kim and NeNe got into a brawl of words in front of the cameras and things got a little too hot. When witnesses tried to break up the argument, Kim says NeNe grabbed her by the neck "and tried to choke her out." And we toast to NeNe tonight!

Both witnesses (aka Kim's wig and tarantula lashes) backed up Kim's story to the police. The police told Kim to take pictures of the bruises. The police report added that they were "unable to locate the suspect at this time." Basically, that means they just didn't give a fuckity fuck fuck fuck. That's it.

If they really cared, they know how to get NeNe to come out. All you have to do is get on your knees and do The Dwight Crawl like your ass is burning and only the air can soothe it. We all know NeNe can't resist witnessing a good crawl.

I was finally able to exhale last night, because the pieces of hot trash from The Real Housewives of Atlanta came back into my life!!!!!! AND HOW. Those bitches are still lying face first in the dumpster and I loved every minute of it. Let's start with Sheree's semi-staged bitch battle with the TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (better than a businesswoman) at Party City or whatever the hell name of the company is that was helping her throw her My Super Sweet Divorce Party.

It all started when Sheree flipped her dick because TLE wasn't following through with any of her party requests (i.e. - a helicopter entrance, a rhinstone encrusted peen tucker, a low budget version of Maya Angelou). When the two took out their cunt swords, I immediately started taking notes! If I'm ever a TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (the first time I'll ever be a top anything) at a party planning store, I need to know what to say to a bitch who is not respecting my top. Normally, when a stupid ho is not respecting my top, I challenge the bottom bitch to a dance off. But I've learned from TLE that I need to drop the "fuck" word every five seconds, wave my hands like I'm trying to put out a Tommy Girl butt flame and end the meeting by dismissing the client with "YO MOMMA IS A BITCH." Works for me!

You know, I'm a little disappointed with Sheree. The woman is built like a Doberman Pinscher on internet-bought roids, so I was expecting her to pounce on TLE and bite his fancy hanky out (the key to all his cunt power)! Or at least call up her old friend DeShawn (Never Forget) and sic her lock jaw on TLE's mouth! CLAMP and done!

The best part of the whole cunt battle royale was when the office dude closed the door in the middle of the fight. Dude didn't even try to break it up by turning the hose on them or shooing them out of the building by screaming "DIGNITY IS HERE!" Nope. He just quietly closed the door. I bet this happens often. I bet his official job title is: Bottom Level Door Closer.

And because any RHOA post isn't complete without a sprinkling of coagulated wig glue, let's move on to Kim Zolciak. Kim had a little visit with her usual fortune teller who told her that she's going to give birth to a baby boy very soon. Hey, everyone! You know that party for Sheree's divorce? Let's turn it into a Earth Divorcing Humanity Party, because if another baby passes through Kim's merkin curtain, it's time to call it a day!

Now I leave with you with this clip of Kim bouncing through a beauty school to do research for her new wig line for white women (Since when is Raquel Welch chop livah?!) Kim claims she's never seen a curling iron like that before, but I'm sure that curling iron has never seen an actual living breathing creature that looks like Kim Zolciak. So they're even!

Someone who went to high school with The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak sent in this truly precious yearbook picture from her freshmen year in 1980. NO, it's not from 1980. Apparently, she was a freshmen in 1993, so that means she really (WARNING: clear your throat of anything you might choke on) is 30.

This picture might be from 1993, but her hair is straight out of 1987. Bitch's hair was tardy for the party. Seriously, I can smell the AquaNet (the pink can) and sweat from the hours of teasing with a tube brush wafting off of this picture. Why does the Kim of today cover up the electric youth gorgeousness with a fall made out of hair from fallen Barbies? Kim needs to free the half-dead bleached raccoon on her head and bring this look back! Speaking of half-dead beasts.....

Here's some pictures from last night's premiere party for season two of RHOA. Please tell me they caught the criminal who attacked Sheree's head with a taser gun and Kim's face with a turkey baster filled with liquid nails. ILLEGAL! Visit Freddyo to witness more Grade A fuckery from last night.

Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta can relate to both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. Kim understands the beast known as fame (not to be confused with the beast on her head nicknamed "famewhore"). Kim talks about this in an interview she gave to Popeater that was delivered down to us by the baby angels. For serious. Kim is really the grand dame of delusional! Example: "I feel bad for Britney Spears, I look at her and I'm like they just tear up one side and down the other! Then the next month, she's doing so great, she's lost weight, she's a great mom all of a sudden. I kind of sympathize with her because I take a lot of that heat myself." Oh and it gets better....

"I wasn't into Michael Jackson, back in the day I was, but then when he did pass, I'm like everybody else, I bought all his songs. He was so super, super talented and it's pretty terrible. Although I can understand how it could happen. I understand the fame. My life changed in such a short period of time, I can't imagine what he dealt with. Sometimes, emotionally, it's taken its toll on me, never mind him who is far bigger worldwide."

Oh, Kim, you are more famous than Brit Brit and Michael Jackson combined. Well, that's if you count all the voices inside her wig as fans.

If you drive by Kim's luxurious townhouse on any day of the week, you will see a mob of paparazzi and fans fighting just to get one peek of her. Yes, you'll notice that the paps are a little shorter than normal and that's because they are neighborhood kids Kim pays to hold cameras. Just go along with it! Oh and the fans are actually members of the ASPCA trying to capture her wig, but again, go along with it! Just skip through Kim's forest of crazy. It's better for everyone.

And I leave you with another amazing quote about her wig line: "I got so much heat for wearing a hair piece, which is comical because all the girls on the show wear one. I took so much I heat, I was like, I'm gonna turn a negative into a positive. I'm gonna go ahead make it work. Actually, it was really difficult for me to talk about that last year. Now in just a year, I'm able to talk about it, explain my situation and why I ended up in that position and why I still do it today ... 'cause I don't really have to. It's turned into a business venture at this point."

I. Cannot.