Real Housewives Shit

The reality whores are mixing! The reality whores are mixing! Aaaack! Last night, I wrote some shit about how Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan were spraying their douche juices all over Southampton together. Well, you can add a drop of Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives of NYC to the mix, because she was with them. AND Jon's date wasn't Hailey "meth brows" Glassyeyes. Jon must have handed Hailey her toy bong and told her to go play outside, because Kate Major was his date last night. Kate is the Star Magazine reporter Jon was seen with the other night. The famewhore scale just broke.

People says that Jon and TOK (The Other Kate) have been in the Hamptons for about three days. Jill Zarin said that Jon and TOK are definitely porking each other, but he isn't exactly busting a million nuts over her, "He didn't seem smitten. They weren't all over each other. But they're definitely dating. It came up in conversation. She had her hands on him. But she's young. This is a girl who is going to want to have babies. Does he really want to go out with another young girl and have kids?"

Michael Lohan (of course) added that even though Jon is skipping around with a bunch of hos, his thoughts are really with his child army, "He talks about them. He's on the phone with them all the time. But unfortunately, as I well know, being a father in a divorce, it's really hard on the kids. And you just want to be with them all the time. But sometimes our exes don't make it that easy."

Hold me close. This is scary on so many levels. Michael Lohan, Jill Zarin and Jon Gosselin sharing a meal together?! I'm surprised that when they clinked their glasses during a toast, a fiery pit didn't appear in the middle of the room with Heidi and Spencer jumping out of it. Obviously, it's only a matter of time before Jon starts hanging out with those assholes. Ugh.

Here's a video of Kim Zolciak of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta giving us a tour of her humble crypt. It's your typical circle jerk until Kim gets to a beautiful statute of a white angel (at the 1:52 mark). Kim says that the artist gave it to her for a discount and said it resembled her. Even her wig farted when she said that.

Kim, put down that wine and sip on some truth juice. We all know you got that shit at The Dollar Tree about 30-minutes before the camera arrived. I bet there's a slot in the back of that "statute" where you drop coins in.

For the cost of a breakfast at IHop for 6, you can get up close and personal with The Real Housewives of New Jersey (sans the former coke whore with Ginsu brows). Yeah, I'm not sure what's going on here. I'm guessing they are going to do some kind of Q&A, but hopefully this is a forum for showcasing their real talents!

Teresa and her adorable gremlins can open the show with a table flip dance remix. Caroline can come on after that and do her one-woman The Godfather. To lighten things up, Dina and Grandma Wrinkle will tap dance and dance their way through "Together" from Gypsy. For the grand finale, Teresa's hairline will deliver a riveting monologue from Planet of the Apes (in the voice of James Whitmore).

As for Jacqueline, I guess she can tear tickets? Or she can sit in the lobby and spit out gumballs for anyone who presses her nose hard enough. Seriously, Jacqueline always looks like she has a mouthful of marbles!

Source: The Welmont Theater (Thanks Bryan)

The wig snatch is the new table flip! Above is a short preview of the second season of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta and you really just need to watch the last few seconds. Sheree does what every bitch who has seen this show at least once has dreamed of doing: snatching Kim Zolciak's roadkill wig! I wonder if the wig bit back?

I have to send Sheree a gift bag of Snausages and chew toys for a job well done!

Yeah, in my Tylenol PM-induced dreams! But Bravo can be my fairy godgay (Yeah, Bravo is a total homo) if he casts Jocelyn Wildenstein, Rojo Caliente and CoCo as the newest beauties on The Real Housewives of New York City. Apparently, they are currently casting, because some of the original howives are being difficult about money and have yet to sign on for a third season.

E! says that Discountess De LameAss, Leatherbag Bensimon, Bethenny Frankel and that gay dude's constipated wife are all coming back for more fuckery. But Ramona and Jill both think they are the stars of the show, so they are holding out for more coin. A source claims that's the reason why Bravo announced that they are looking for more housewives. Basically, they are telling Ramona and Jill that both of their asses can be replaced!

While I agree that paying Jill more than a half-filled box of Red Vines is too much, Ramona is pretty much irreplaceable. If you want authentic raw craziness, you have to pay for it.

If the producers decide to dump Jill, they should know that Jocelyn will work for Wesson injections, Rojo Caliente will work for gift certificates to Big & Tall and CoCo will work for lip gloss (for her other lips).

Is there anything The Real Housewives of New Jersey's own Danielle Staub can't do? Coke whore, kidnapper, stripper, accidental amateur porn star and now.......SOAP ACTRESS EXTRAORDINAIRE! Above is Danielle's scene on All My Children back in 2001 before she got effed in the face with a Botox needle. Danielle played Maura, Jackson Montgomery's dinner date. Danielle even had a moment with Josh Duhamel! You know she's telling everyone at The Chateau that she once starred in a hit primetime TV show with the guy from Transformers.

My favorite part is when Jackson says, "Do the words long dry spell mean anything to you?" Um. Jackson, do the words "PROSTITUTION WHORE-AH" mean anything to you? Maura will moisten your desert crotch for a stack of twenties. The "wining and dining" part is not necessary.

VIA Soapnet

Today in New Jersey, a judge blocked the release of a sex tape starring The Real Housewive of New Jersey's resident ex-coke whoring kidnapper. That's right. You'll have to get your nut off elsewheres, because you won't be seeing Danielle's grinch snatch or leather titty balls....for now.

Danielle's 27-year-old ex-boyfriend Stephen Zalewski (the one with the body and head of an elderly retired Secret Service agent) told Star Magazine a week ago that he was trying to sell the tape. Danielle told the court that the video was shot on a cell phone and she had no idea he was doing it. Suuure, Danielle. When Stephen was pointing his cell phone at your vagina, I'm sure you thought he was texting his mother to request fried chitterlings for dinner. Yeah.

Danielle gave a very moving speech outside of the court room today after her temporary victory (there's another hearing next month). Danielle said, "I think not just for my children, but for everyone's children that know me, and all women who are looking up to me... um.... My private moments should remain just that: private."

Women who look up to her?! Show me a human being with a real uterus who looks up to Danielle! The only bitch that looks up to Danielle is me! That's because when I was a little gay I told my kindergarten class that when I grow up I want to be a coke whoring stripper call girl with ties to the Colombian Cartel.

Clip of Danielle's beautiful speech below:

Looking for a little before bedtime reading that'll make your toe nails perspire? Well, The Smoking Gun dug up reports from Danielle Staub's 1986 arrest which was briefly mentioned in the book Cop Without A Badge. You know, THE BOOK.

The report on TSG is longer than a Xerox machine manual, but it's worth every second. For those of you with a serious case of ADD, here's the gist of the report (it's still long):

When Danielle was living in Miami in 1986, she worked as an escort (*cough*vagina vendor*cough*) and went by the name of Angela Minelli. One of Danielle's johns was Daniel Claudio Aguilar. Daniel was a major coke dealer for the Colombian Cartel. In June of that year, Daniel sold two kilos of the bad shit for $48,000 to some dudes. Danielle's neighbor, Carmen Centolella, brokered the deal. Before the deal became final, Daniel sent Danielle to Carmen's apartment with one kilo of coke for testing. The dudes who were going to buy the shit turned on Danielle, stole the coke and ran off!

Daniel blamed Carmen, beat his ass and then held him for ransom. Danielle was in on the kidnapping and made several calls to Carmen's father demanding $25,000 for his son's life. Carmen's daddy called the FBI. They traced the calls back to Daniel's apartment where they found Danielle. They arrested her ass and confiscated $16,000 cash and six kilos of coke. They also busted Daniel.

In order to save herself, Danielle turned on Daniel and agreed to work with prosecutors. She pleaded guilty to one count of extortion. When Danielle got out of jail, she received several threatening phone calls from a lady who said shit like, "Your life is at an end, honey." Danielle and the authorities both believe the threats were coming from Daniel's people. Danielle's apartment was also broken into several times.

During Daniel's trial, his lawyers pained Danielle as a prostitute coke whore. Daniel was found guilty and sent to prison. He got out in 1994.

When Danielle came off of probation in 1988, a doctor asked the court to keep her in a rehab program due to her drug history and lifestyle.

ESCANDALO! Teresa was right all along! You know after reading this shit, Teresa's Planet of the Apes hairline busted off forehead, crawled up to the nearest mountain top, pounded its chest and shouted "PROSTITUTION WHORE!!!!"

I would flip a table over this shit too, but I'd rather dance on top of one to celebrate Danielle/Beverly/Angela. Bitch knows how to live!

I just hope they turn this into a Cinemax (Lifetime won't do it justice) movie starring Pete Burns as Danielle.

VIA Gawker

The first season of The Real Housewives of NJ was all about that damn book and I'm guessing the second one is going to be all about Danielle's supposed sex tapes! You know this was coming next. Unfortunately, Danielle's fuck tape partner is Steve Zalewski, the 27-year-old she dated on the show. The one who suffers from a serious case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.

Steve tells Star Magazine that he has several tapes of Danielle doing sexy to him and herself. Steve says Danielle is a freak who wanted to bone all the time and everywhere. They did it in restaurant bathrooms and in a car parked at a police firing range.

Steve is peddling the tapes for a pretty penny, because he says Danielle owes him. Steve said, "She tries to look affluent. But sometimes she couldn't pay the household bills or buy food. Even then, she'd want to borrow 20 grand from me to buy jewelry! I'm definitely weighing my options as far as selling them and getting them out there. She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?"

Why would Steve want to embarrass himself even more? Everyone is already making fun of his nasty ass because he's a 27-year-old who looks like a retired used car salesman with bad halitosis and permanently chapped nipples. Does he really want us all to see his wrinkly nalgas and seasoned nutsack?

As for Danielle, she would have a sex tape. It's the next step in whorevolution. Stripper, hooker, gold digger and then pornstar!

THE BOOK!!!!! The book was the surprise dinner guest during last night's season finale of The Real Mob Wives of New Jersey. But where did the book come from? I don't mean in general. I just mean how did it get to the dinner? When Danielle showed up, she only had a purse the size of her twat. Did the book fall out of Teresa's hair? Did Grandma Wrinkle (who we all know secretly hates Dina) disguise herself as a waiter and slip the book to Danielle while serving appetizers? I guess it doesn't really matter that the producers stashed it under the table how the book got there, because if it didn't show up, the staged battle between evil and evil-er would've never went down!

What is the big deal about that stupid book anyway? Why does Danielle care if everyone knows she's a former coke-shoveling PROSTITUTE WHORE? You can already tell just by looking at her beautiful face. She's like one of those magic eye posters. If you stare at her long enough, the words "PROSTITUTE COKE-WHORE KIDNAPPING STRIPPER SLUT" will appear before you. It's a badge of whore honor if you ask me. Danielle didn't see it that way and she wanted to get revenge on Dina for leaking the book to the whole town. But there was a twist! Dina's sister Caroline revealed that she's the one who exposed the book! Why did this start playing in my head when Carline stared at Danielle and said, "Look into my eyes, because I'm the one who told everyone." Marlon Brando in a ginge wig, is that you?! Dina was missing a fluffy cat and a roaring firing place behind her. It was thick. And instead of putting a horse's head in Danielle's bead, Caroline put a mirror.

I was seriously waiting for Danielle to shout, "I may be a PROSTITUTE WHORE with sperm eyebrows, but you've got hundreds of bodies underneath your kitchen!" That probably wouldn't have been a smart move, because then Danielle's precious eyebrows would've been covered in concrete at the bottom of the East River. Danielle didn't have to go there, because Jacqueline faced the wrath of the Manzo sisters and stood up for the PROSTITUTE WHORE (that will never get old). Jacqueline tried, but it was like watching a 6-year-old get the angries. I just wanted to give her a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar, pat her on the head and then tell her to go play with her dollies.

So where was Teresa in all of this?! Bitch was simmering. The crazed ape inside of her was waiting for its cue so that it could flip a bitch. In this case, the bitch was the table. That shit came out of nowhere! I thought her Planet of the Apes hairline was going to jump off and run for the nearest zoo. Wasn't she afraid that her new plastic bubbies were going to explode all over the place?

You know who needed to be flipped, though?! TERESA for being dumber than an empty can of tuna! What kind of stupid bitch throws a housewarming party at a fucking restaurant?! It wasn't a restaurantwarming party. It was a HOUSEwarming party. Hey, everyone! Come to my housewarming party at Applebee's!

In the end, Jacqueline's husband gave a beautiful speech about acting like adults...fart..queef...blah..blah..blah. Then Don Vito Caroline turned to Jacqueline and said, "You know who you're hurting? My parents." Give it a fucking rest, Caroline. This isn't Mickey Blue Eyes.

So everything got resolved, except for the biggest mystery of all: WHERE THE DICK IS DINA'S HUSBAND?