Real Housewives Shit

Nothing compares to the broke down hos of Atlanta, but hopefully this fuckery right here will come close. Bravo has rolled out the new skanks of The Real Housewives of New Jersey premiering on May 12th. They could have also titled this The Real Pre-Ops Of Trannytown, because four of these tricks look like they've got excellent dick tucking skills. The fake ginge on the right just looks like she's just going to whine like a toddler on speed through the whole season.

My Tivo is really ready to quit this bitch, but I will have to force this mess upon it. Based on these hags' bios alone, this is going to be a pile of Aquanet vomit. I bolded the bestest parts:

Jacqueline Laurita: A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself. She has a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and a 6-year-old son with her husband Chris, who owns wholesale apparel businesses and is brother to Caroline and Dina.

Teresa Giudice: Born and raised in New Jersey, her husband Joe owns a successful construction company. Together they have three young daughters, who take up much of her time. A friend of Dina and Caroline, she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore.

Danielle Staub: “You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between,” says the single mom of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey. She is also active in her local parish and regularly attends mass. She and Jacqueline are friends.

Dina Manzo: Founder of the nonprofit Project Ladybug, which helps children with cancer, she’s also an interior designer, an event planner, mother and best friends with her sister Caroline. Her husband Tommy works with his brother (Caroline’s husband) at their family’s catering business.

Caroline Manzo: She’s a mother of three and owns a real estate firm and a line of children’s accessories. Described as a “feisty spitfire,” she’s Dina’s sister and is on the board of Project Ladybug. She’s married to Albert Manzo, brother of Dina’s husband Tommy. Dina and Caroline’s brother is Jacqueline’s husband Chris.

Survey says? TRASH!!!!! Bravo better have shot this shit in HD, because how else would they get all the big hair and fake nails in one shot?

And if you haven't seen the brilliance below, please watch it. You will definitely agree with me that every bitch in this video needs to make at least a 30-second cameo in The Really Trashy Housetrannies of Jersey.

I normally don't comment on The Real Housewives of NYC, because they don't make my skin pucker the same way the bitches of Atlanta and OC do. But I just had to share with your asses Ramona's bizarre out-of-this world special ed dance moves from last night's episode. It's the kind of dancing you would see at the loony bin social after somebody spiked the punch with acid.

Nobody else was dancing and I doubt there was even music playing. Ramona dances to the beat of her own crazy. Those few seconds just confirmed to me that I need to drop E with Ramona and crash one of the Cuntess' extra-classy charity galas.

This is some shit about Kim Hotrick, so throw it in the IDGAF pile and walk away if you can't be bothered. If you can, then examine this picture that has been making the rounds of Kim with a tattoo on her ass banging finger that might be the latest piece of the "Who is Big Poppa" puzzle.

And no, the glittery piece with the sexy legs and equally ravishing gap tooth hugging on Kim is not Big Poppa. Actually, I think that's NeNe without her wig on. They made up. NO! That was a hurtful joke. I love NeNe. She's still in line to be my ho of honor at my wedding to Mah Boo.

The tattoo on Kim's finger apparently says "Lee" as in Lee Najjar. I thought it was pretty much confirmed that Big Poppa is indeed Lee Najjar. I have gotten e-mails from every whore and their dildo dealer swearing on their prized butt plug that Lee is Big Poppa. But I guess this just another flea on the wig.

Below is a picture of Lee and his wife unit who kind of looks like a prettier version of the Millionaire Matchmaker. And I think her fur coat used to live on top of Kim's head. Lee ripped it off, threw it in a bowl of RIT and gave it to his wife.

Now you can go back to rubbing your no-no to that sparkly hunk of unicorn meat with Kim.

During the reunion of The Really Plastic Hos of Orange Skin County, Gretchen denied away that she was licking on her ex-boyfriend Jay before, during or after her sugar pepaw went off to the great beyond. This shit prompted Holy Tamra to give the quote of the hour: "It's about moral character." You can seriously use that line for anything. When a dude insists you suck his peen in a back alley way, but you want to go back to the car, just use that line and he might understand. Or when a bartender cuts you off because you barfed on the counter, you can use that line too. It doesn't really make sense, but it didn't when Tamra used it either.

So, when the gold digger with no morals denied she had a boyfriend, she might have been lie-telling. No surprise there. Radar got a hold of a 911 tape taken only a few days before the reunion. In the tape, Jay claims Gretchen tried to off herself by overdosing on Lunesta. Yeah, Lunesta! Who tries to quit this bitch from a Lunesta OD? I checked to see if this was some kind of viral marketing campaign and it's not.

A few minutes into the call, Gretchen grabs the phone from Jay and says she didn't try to commit sooey-sides (that's what my abuelita calls it). But she does call Jay her booooooyfriend. Gretchen said the two had a fight at the bar, she came home, he followed her and tried to break in. Visit Radar to listen to the whole thing. It's long, but I'm sure Tamra has the entire thing as her ring tone. And I hope she will hold a live press conference along with her rapey-eyed son to discuss Gretchen's moral character.

Also on the tape, Gretchen's phone number and home address are given out. Drive your Rabbit convertible up to the front to pick me up, because we're going to go TP that skank's house! Teeepeee party!

Bravo better have done a financial background check on Kandi Burruss, the newest ho on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, because if she hasn't been called by at least three bill collectors in the past week, she is not the one!

EW.com says Kandi has replaced DaShawn Snow and her lock jaw as the newest housewife. Bravo quit DaShawn because viewers were going into seizures watching her trying to talk with a padlock on her jaw. It was hazardous to everyone's health! And because DaShawn brought the zzzzzzzzzs.

Kandi is best known for being in the 90s girl group Xscape. Kandi also co-wrote TLC's "No Scrubs."

Okay, it sounds to me like this bitch doesn't fit in! The royalty checks from "No Scrubs" must be keeping her checking account from hitting the overdraft protection button. Kandi's going to have to let one of her houses go into foreclosure if she wants to fit in with those broke tramps. I mean, Sheree owes a law firm $87k in unpaid fees! Kandi better step up her broke ass game.

I'm also staring at Kandi's picture wondering if this is the face of the bitch who will finally rip off Kim Zolciak's rat tat tatty wig and return it to the roadside it came from.

In the new issue of some shit called Hype Hair Magazine, Kim Zolciak of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta gives hair tips. HAIR TIPS! Push me off the fucking tightrope, because I've heard it all!

Kim forgot to mention a few very important tips to getting her signature look. After you "release the curls," take the wig off your head, put it in a bag, go outside, find a rabid raccoon, throw it in the bag, walk to your dryer, toss the bag in and tumble on high for 45 minutes. When the timer goes off, pull your wig out (the raccoon should still be attached) and plop it on your head. Voila!

(Thanks Carol)

Over the weekend, a beautiful note was posted on Kim Zolciak's website saying that her website was on pause, because she failed to pay the bill. Now, I have been waiting for this ho's response. I thought she would say her back alley wig ate the invoice or maybe a K-A-T hacked into her website to destroy her. Kim isn't putting the blame on either those things. Instead, she's saying her publicist is the evil doer! Publicist?! Yeah, I guess she needs one for her spectacular country music career.

The Really Broke Houseskank has requested a restraining order against her former spokeswhore, because she claims that after she fired him, he took over her website, changed the passwords and posted that little blurb about her being a low-budget bitch.

I'm a little disappointed with her former spokesbitch. That's the best he could do? He has to have to some real shit on Kim. Like what is really hiding under Kim's wig of mystery? Hmmm. I bet we'll find out on the season finale of Lost. That's where that dead polar bear really went!

And Kim is an island that needs to be moved NOW!

The main event of last night's Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County Reunion Spectacular was between Tamra and Gretchen. Battle of the blonde-bos! They really should have held this shit in a boxing ring in the middle of the Orange County Swap Meet.

Tamra started the brawl of words when she told us a little bedtime story involving Gretchen and her ex-boyfriend Jay. Basically, based on the tidbits that were delivered to her, Tamra thinks Gretchen was fucking on Jay while her sugar pepaw lay dying. Tamra went on to say that Jay told her that Gretchen was basically hired help and her only job was to take care of sugar pepaw Jeff (R.I.P.). Gretchen denied away that she ever did NOT RIGHT sexy times with Jay during and after her relationship with Jeff. Droopy Vicki straight up asked Gretch if she was fucking his ass and the answer was NO.

The rumor about Gretchen and Jay has been going around before the reunion aired. The Dirty even has a picture of Jay sticking his nasty ass tongue down her throat. And she's still wearing the $65,000 rock Jeff gave her! In addition to that, Jay told The National Enquirer that he was Gretchen's real boyfriend during filming. Gretch would spend her days with Jeff, but her nights with Jay. When Jeff shuffled off to the great beyond, Jay moved in with Gretchen. How do you say "escandalo" in OC talk?

The crowning moment of the battle was when Jeana asked Tamra why she cared so much about Gretchen's supposed love triangle. The halo appeared over Tamra's head, the angels sang and she said, "It's all about moral character."

If you melted down moral character into a sticky paste, mixed it with silicone, poured it into a Ziploc bag and then shoved that shit in Tamra's chest, the bitch still wouldn't have any moral character! Her soul would zap that shit to nothingness in two seconds flat.

And the angels ripped off Saint Tamra's halo when she told Gretchen, "You're such a fucking victim, aren't you!" Why did I hi-five my TV screen when she said that? Cunts have to stick together.

Even Lynne woke up from her catatonic state and crawled out of her bong when Gretchen said that shit. Speaking of, was I the only one who was laughing till they farted when Lynne started crying?! You know she was only bringing the tears, because her brain was hurting so much after the meanies (Droopy & Tamra) made her think about important stuff.

The entire war of the whores is in the clip above. Relive the magic! Or just skip to the 5:20 mark to see the smug look on Droopy Vicki's face. You kind of just want to stick a milk bone in her mouth, put a collar around her neck and then walk her off a cliff.

And the next season should just take place in one room. Just throw all those whores in there so we can watch them slowly eat each other alive. The only thing left would be implants, one of Lynne's Cuff Loves and Tamra's moral character. Because her moral character will live forever!

Last Thursday in Atlanta, business woman and road kill wig hater, Lisa Wu Hartwell of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta, sued her ex-husband Keith Sweat for full custody for their two little kiddies. Lisa also wants some child support. Keith, how deep is your love and your wallet?

Access Atlanta says that the court papers filed by Business Woman state, “The best interest of the minor children will be served by modifying the current custody and visitation provisions to make Mother the primary physical condition of the minor children. Since the time of the Divorce Decree, Mother has remarried, owns a successful business and will provide a stable, loving, and nurturing environment in which she can raise the minor children. Mother seeks primary physical custody and joint legal custody with final decision-making on all issues regarding the minor children. She will reasonably engage Father in good faith discussions before any final decisions are made concerning the children's welfare.”

Keith got full custody in 2003, because according to the judge the children “lacked structure in their lives, due in substantial part to Mother’s numerous business ventures and frequent trips out of town … Mother has a history of spending money on herself excessively rather than providing for the children … There was some evidence at trial that Mother implicitly participated in robbing Father in the presence of the children. She also took money from Father prior to the initiation of this matter. This behavior causes the Court to question Mother’s maturity and judgment.”

The court's question will be answered 100% if they just watch the first season of that shit show.

Lisa and Keith's kids didn't take part in the first season of Broke Housewives, because he wouldn't sign off on it. So I know what Lisa's doing here. Bitch is a business woman and business comes first. Obviously, if she has control over the kids, she can sign them up for season 2! That means 2 extra paychecks in the house. I mean, she's a business woman.

It looks like Kim Zolciak's website fell off the damn tightrope. If you put your ear to the window, you can hear NeNe screaming, "Now who is the low budget bitch?!" Seriously, Bravo needs to officially change the title to The Really Broke Houswives of Atlanta, because these hos can't pay their bills!

I mean, couldn't Kim shake out her kitchen ass wig. There has to be a few confederate coins, Jimmy Hoffa's wallet and the master key to DeShawn's lock jaw hiding up in there. Some of that shit has to be worth something. And if it's not, it's time for her road kill wig to stop laying around and get a damn job! Kim's mangy dog wig can star in a remake of Benji.