Real Housewives Shit
If Teyana Taylor's "Google Me" got brutally attacked in the froat by a rabies-infested blonde coyote with mange and was forced to get an artificial voice box installed, its first words would sound just like Kim Zolciak's new "song" called "Google Me." Nay Nay Semel is thisclose to filing a copyright infringement lawsuit, because Kim's song is a "you dumb fuck" away from being her signature line!
Above is just a preview of the song, but I don't need to hear the whole thing to know that Kim obviously snatched these lyrics from a 90s cheer squad at a high school whose literacy rate is below 10% (probably my high school).
This Benji the Hunted bitch needs to stop. Bitch's song is way too broke for the Google name. More like, "AltaVista me".
(Thanks to all who sent this mess in. My dog hates you now.)
Hopefully for him, Juicy Delicious' cell husband also believes in "happy life, happy wife" or it's going to be a loooong ten days for his ass (literally). Radar reports that Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey won't have her husband around to "Oooh Oooh Aaah Aaah" on her in the bedroom for 10 full days, because he's going off to jail! Will somebody give Teresa a King Louie stuffed animal to hump on when she goes into heat so she won't start chewing on tractors and throwing around four wheelers again.
This past Wednesday, a judge in New Jersey sentenced Juicy Joe to jail for driving with a suspended license. Juicy was also fined $1,000 and his license has been put on pause for another year. Juicy will have to put on a fat toddler-sized jail jumper to start serving his sentence next week.
Back in March, Juicy's license was suspended and he was sentenced to 30 days of community service for driving while drunk in January. Juicy's stupid ass ran into a telephone pole near a friend's house. Juicy's story is that while he waited for the cops to show up, he went into his friend's house to have a few shots of the sweet nectar. Personally, I think Juicy went inside to hide the bloody bodies, severed horse head and suit case full of cash that was in the trunk of his car.
Prostitution Whore-ah would get into her Range Rover to drive over to Teresa's Casa de Foreclosure to cackle at their sadness, but Life & Style says her SUV was repossessed today! How in the hell is Danielle supposed to stalk her enemies now? Rolling up in her daughter's old Lil' Princess Big Wheel isn't exactly the epitome of inconspicuousness.
Is this cover of InTouch Weekly! Even the little one with with a Pottery Barn napkin ring on her head is crying out loud at this mess of a cover. Why oh why did InTouch Weekly feed Teresa Giudice after midnight? This is as if Wes Craven art directed a post on Awkward Family Photos. I blame Danielle Staub.
Naomi Campbell could rip the hide off of the last living snow leopard and wear it to a Peta event, and I'd simply shrug while saying, "That's her way!" Naomi Campbell could bite into the froat of a blind homeless man thinking he looked at her the wrong way, and I still wouldn't even bother throwing half a side-eye at her. But this this THIS right here is some deplorable shit! This is a valid reason for the state to stamp Naomi's forehead with a giant red 5150! Somebody needs to put on a Hannibal Lecter mask (so she can't Cape Fear you in the cheek) and gently hug her with a Versace straitjacket. Naomi has finally gone too far.
During last night's Watch What Happens: Live, Naomi, who is supposedly a Real Housewives fan, called in to ask Teresa Giudice a question. The question was not: "Can you meet me at the nearest corner so I can introduce your face to my new spiked Blackberry?" And it also wasn't: "Can you donate some of your overgrown hairline to my tragic hairline situation?" No, Naomi said this to Teresa:
"How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You're a role model. It's like, you dress all your kids. They're always....it's amazing.
(Andy to Naomi: "You think she's a role model?") Yeah, she's a role model, a mother.... She's a business woman, she's cooking, she's cleaning, she's a wife.... You know, yeah. The real deal."
Of course, Naomi also told Andy that she "understood" when Neandertheresa shoved him to get to Prostitution Whore-ah at the reunion.
The poor tortured assistant who held up the phone up to Naomi's face during this bizarre conversation not only had to control the shakes in her hand, but she also had to swallow hard to keep the laughs from pouring out of her mouth.
In this case, CRAZY BITCHES should not stick together! Imagine if Bravo gave those two a reality show? They wouldn't tear each other's guts out. They would realize they are stronger together. Then they would recruit Kate Gosselin, Karl Lagerfeld and Michael Lohan and form a giant HUMAN CUNTIPEDE!
Yeah, we better keep Naomi and Teresa away from each other.
Andy Cohen announced last night that Bravo has officially put out Danielle Beverly Angela Merrill Staub's "love and light" and she will not bring her straitjacket-worthy fuckery to season 3 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So Caroline Manzo is going to have to find another bitch to use her bootleg Mafia Wars impersonation on.
There were rumors that all 3 of the housewives of NJ refused to sign on to another season if Danielle was in the cast. but prostitution whore-ah herself tells USWeekly that she wasn't fired from the show. Danielle said, "I'm way too good for this. They have used me about as much as I can be used. I think it's time for me to move on and upward. I don't see any interest for me to be attacked like that. I mean, what's left for [the other castmates]? To kill me? Bravo seems to be glorifying their behavior. And I think it's almost like telling children to behave poorly at school, 'It's OK."
The only person who is trying to kill Danielle is Santa Claus for stealing Christmas that one time, but that's it! Danielle must be sipping from the exact same toilet at the exact same T.G.I. Friday's as White Oprah, because delusion is running through her veins.
Danielle went on to say that she is moving on to bigger things, "The bottom line is, they need me, I don't need them. They don't talk about anything but me. I don't talk about them, at all. I talk about me too! I want to be me now. Not me according to other people. Me...a spin-off is absolutely, positively where I'm going."
But Danielle's spin-off isn't going to be on Bravo, "I did not give [this] to Bravo because I felt like there was no fair portrayal of me and my family... to share with people who didn’t even want to portray me as a human being. So that will be shared. I will do a breaking story on that when it does come out and it will be a part of my spin-off."
The only job that Danielle is going to land after this is a starring spot in The Real Crazy Whores Of Trenton Psychiatric Hospital, which will air exclusively at mental health conventions in the Tri-state area. Or she'll get into lizard porn.
Meanwhile, Page Six reports that Teresa Giudice won't be a part of season 3 either. Apparently, Teresa isn't happy that Bravo didn't pimp out her cookbook on the show even though they took 10% of the book's sales. Bravo is showing Teresa that she ain't shit by threatening to replace her with her sister-in-law and arch rival Melissa Gorga.
Teresa is thisclose to moving her family into a room next to Danny's at a Super 8 off the highway, so I doubt she's going to turn down Bravo. Unless, The Natural History Museum is offering her more money to star in their Mesozoic era exhibit...
And here's my favorite moment from last night's reunion. I love the look on Jacqueline's face when Danielle's whispers crawl into her head and start nibbling on her soul.
In news that will make horny horses with Playboy subscriptions and sucio fucks with skeleton fetishes pop simultaneous boners, Michaele Salahi, the White House party crasher and star of The Real Housewives of DC, will bare her nipples and crotch in the pages of Playboy Magazine. Playboy must have outbid Horse & Hound Magazine for this honor.
TMZ says that Michaele will go fully nekkid ass nekkid and won't leave anything to the part of your imagination marked "HORROR!!!". Ann Coulter's separated in hell twin will pose for Playboy later this month. Playboy hasn't decided yet if they are putting her on the cover. If Michaele is going to be in Playboy's annual Halloween or bestiality issue, then she definitely should grace the cover.
And in related news, the world's top programmers, scientists, engineers, witch doctors and magicians are working on the new version of Photoshop right now.
Bravo has confirmed that a shovel's best friend Camille Grammer is one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (which premieres in October). The cast list is the same one that floated around a few months ago, but Bravo now has bios and a video! You can read all of their bios here, but there's only one your eyes need to grace.
I am going to memorize the hobby portion of Camille's bio word for word tonight, so I have something to say to stranger dudes at bars who ask me what I'm into. Well, usually I answer with "suck, spit, swallow, blow, sit, spin, eat, lick, puke, chew", but sometimes that makes the dude slowly back away while covering his mouth with the bottom of his shirt. If he does that, I'll recite Camille's hobbies to lure him back. If it works for Camille...
Camille Grammer - Camille is a multi-talented model, actress, dancer, and advocate, who calls Beverly Hills her home. Grammer began her career as a dancer on Club MTV. She was married to sitcom star and icon, Kelsey Grammer, for 13 years. Together, they have a daughter, Mason, and a son, Jude. Camille and Kelsey own a production company, Grammnet Inc., which produces the shows “Medium,” “Girlfriends” and “The Game.” She has appeared on both the big and small screens. Most notably, in the Halloween episode of Frasier, in Betty Thomas’ “Private Parts,” and Woody Allen’s “Deconstructing Harry.” She has also appeared as a dancer in several music videos. Grammer was featured in the HDTV video dream sequence in David Niles’ Broadway show “Dreamtime” at The Ed Sullivan Theater. Her hobbies include dancing, skiing, paddle boarding, tennis, hiking, and collecting rare first edition books, such as Pride and Prejudice, Works of Byron 1833, The Sound and the Fury, and the works of William Faulker and Roald Dahl.
The Works of Byron 1833? No words. Camille is a genius.
Here's the preview clip of RHOBH, which is basically what the inside of Jackie Collins' head looks like at all times. It's also what the praying mantis aliens on Mars would look like if they opened up a Zales, a St. John and a Sunset Tan on their planet.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub (or the always classic "Prostitution Whore-Ah" if you look like you should be drawing pictures of deers on your cave wall) continued to try to wig snatch Kim Zolciak's illustrious poop star career by performing a 90s club version of her song "Close to You" on WPIX11 this morning. Danielle was joined by three sexy papi chulo dancers and her partner in foolery Lori Michaels. Torturous hilarity ensued.
This takes me back to a day in the 90s when my best friend at the time wanted me to watch a "run-through" of the dance she was going to do for the talent show with four other chicks. They did that shit to Crystal Waters' 100% Pure Love and it was a 100% PURE MESS. They "performed" that shit for me on the driveway of her parents' house and they kept bumping into the Nissan Maxima (that car was classy shit at the time) her mom refused to move. Those little bitches even wore matching torn t-shirts like Danielle! The only thing that made my friend's dance bearable was the car that kept fucking with her moves.
So the next time Danielle performs her half-time donkey show, she should do it in front of a Nissan Maxima on someone's driveway. It will save the show!
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
For the past week or so, Bravo's Andy Cohen has been swearing on his perfectly manicured chest rug that the reunion show for The Real Trashwives of New Jersey is the best one they've ever done. Well, here's Andy's proof in the form a clip featuring Teresa Giudice screaming at Danielle so hard that I think one of her forehead veins pushed back her hairline a few inches (we all wish).
You almost expect to see a dozen tiny police cars circle around Teresa right before she climbs the Empire State Building and swats at the helicopters shooting at her. Andy just needed to tag the bitch and release her back into the wild. Where the hell was the Gorilla Whisperer when we really needed her?
And what did Danielle pull out of her bag? A ball of all the weave tracks that have been yanked out of her head? The genie's lamp so she can finally take over Agrabah? A snow globe filled with light and love?
Michaele Salahi (Pronounced: FAME WHORE), the spotlight fucker who crashed a White House party last year, is one of The Real Housewives of DC and she went on The View yesterday to promote that shit. In addition to promoting the show, Michaele also continued to promote what a true dumbass she is.
During some stupid fight between the housewives, Whoopi Goldberg showed up from backstage, nudged Michaele and said to her, "Excuse me, can we get back to the White House, please?" After the segment finished taping, Michaele told one of the producers that Whoopi hit her ass. When this got back to Whoopi, she lifted up her pilgrim skirt and flew towards Michaele to curse her out. Whoopi admits to throwing a tornado full of fuck words at Michaele for lying about getting hit.
On The View this morning, Whoopi admitted to filling Michaele's ears with beautiful fuck words and showed a clip of what really happened. Whoopi also says she will not crash Michaele's front door with an "I'm So Sowwy" basket. Clip from Jezebel:
The Salahi's lawyer Lisa Bloom tells The Daily Beast that they are still waiting for an apology from The View for calling them party crashers and saying they should be in jail. Lisa Bloom released this statement:
“I think they treated her horribly. I think they defamed her. I was really shocked by the way she was treated. It’s one thing to ask tough questions, it’s another to use defamatory language when you’ve been warned not to.”
Instead of nudging Michaele, Whoopi should've pulled that whole ugly chair down and cackled as that bitch crashed into the floor. The audience would've started shouting, "WHOOPI THAT TRICK! WHOOPI THAT TRICK!" That beautiful moment would've won them a dozen Emmys.
I hope Bravo has a camera on Michaele when Whoopi's best friend Mel Gibson calls her. In a total twist that will rock Mel's mind, Michaele will say "Okay, what's your address?" when he tells her to blow him before the Jacuzzi.
But more importantly, is it just me or does Whoopi Goldberg sometimes remind you of a butch Antoine Merriweather from Men on Film?