Real Housewives Shit
If you thought Lynn is the only Real Housewife of Orange County who has the parenting skills of one of Susan Smith's dried up turds, then think (something Lynn has never been able to fully accomplish) again! Add Alexis and Jim Bellino to that list, because TMZ reports that their two small children almost drowned at a 4th of July party thanks to them.
The security at The Balboa Bay Club in Newport Beach, CA tells TMZ that The Bellinos left their stroller unattended by the pool while they went off to shake their asses for Jesus or whatever they fuck they do for fun. A security officer says that the stroller with the two toddlers in it rolled into the pool. He jumped in and pulled one of the kids out. A few seconds later, Jim put a plastic bag over his precious hair, jumped into the pool, stuffed his kid between his chins and swam to safety. Despite being psychologically scarred for life from being raised by two silicone anuses, the Bellino children are fine psychically.
Jim downplayed the incident when he had this to say: "There was no lifeguard needed or involved."
I'm a little surprised that Jim and Alexis didn't say that this is just God's will. You know, God pushed the stroller into the pool to baptize her kids all over again. And why didn't Alexis jump in herself? Bitch has two built-in flotation devices perfect for a rescue mission like this! Jesus does not approve of her "Just For Show" titties.
Kelly Bensimon, the piece of crazy glazed salmon jerky from The Real Housewives of NYC, usually goes jogging in traffic like a dumb fuck by herself, but today she brought along a sparkly friend. A sparkly friend who is showing her ass up in every which way! If Kato Kaelin wore a weave made of satchels of gold and constantly spit out a rainbow of non-processed Gummi Bears from his glitter hole, he would look just like Kelly's special friend.
There's also a good reason for why he's got a fancy scarf around his neck in this nasty heat. After Kelly starts galloping in the heat for a while she stars to reek of grilled leather, microwaved plastic yogurt cups and freshly shat out jelly beans, so he needs something to cover his fragile nostrils with.
Following in the off-key notes of Jo De La Rosa (of The Real Housewives of OC), Kim Zolciak (of RHOA), and Countess LuMann (of RHONYC), Danielle Stubbyvag of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is trying to take the iTunes charts by storm. On Bravo's Watch What Happens Live last night, Danielle and openly gayelle singer Lori Michaels sang a duet together.
Based on her nauseating speaking voice, you would think that Danielle's singing voice would make Grandma Wrinkles' queefs sound like the second coming of Celine Dion, but honestly she wasn't that bad compared to LuMann and Kim. However, watching that monster of fugness sing is the real horror show. Bitch looks like Greta Gremlin! If you stare at Danielle long enough, your eyeballs will become as deformed her tits.
The best part of this mess is the fake smile plastered on Andy Cohen's face. The Bravo overlords need to upload a different facial expression onto his hard-drive so the poor thing can show us the pain he's feeling inside from sitting that close to Danielle's face.
After her performance, Danielle tried to make it seem like she's scissoring with Lori. Yes, serve me more plates of bullshit on Kim G's wide ass forehead, Danielle. Please, Danielle isn't a lez. She's a fameasexual. Bitch will lick on anything if it gets her a blurb in Star Magazine.
Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl's Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I'm not sure if I'm buying JLo's denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that's what those are!
But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn't screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It's obvious since she's the only one who isn't trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.
Here's more of JLo with Skeletor at last night's charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles' oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.
This might be just the thing that makes Teresa Giudice's greedy hairline finally jump back a few inches! Word around the rest stops off the turnpike is that The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub has got a sex tape careening towards your eyeballs and is ready to take your retinas out! Mark June 15th as the day the internet will ooze puss and cry to be put out of its misery, because that's when Hustler will release Prostitution Whore's public sex tape debut.
The 75-minute tape was only shot last September and Danielle's co-star is a mystery man. Danielle had no comment, but I'm sure she'll have a few at the ladies luncheon she'll throw to celebrate this work of fart. If you live in NJ and hear a scratching at your basement window, it's just Danielle's daughters begging to be let in. Just give them a few vanilla wafers and tell them to never EVER open their eyes around a computer or TV again.
If you love your computer too much to download the virus that is this fuck tape, but you are still curious to see Danielle wrap her sundried lizard body all around a peen, I have a solution for you. Just take a piece of fried bologna and let one of the mangier alley rats nibble at it a bit (cunnilingus). Then look for a dried, splintery chicken bone in the gutter. Take that fried bologna, squirt some curdled mayo on it and then rub it on that chicken bone until you feel the back of you throat start to moisten with stomach chutney. There you go! Now you will know what it feels like to watch Danielle's snatch flip a dick, and you won't have to take your computer down with you!
Kelly Bensimon, who collects a check for bullying other women on The Real Housecrazies of NYC, shot this PSA on her flip cam in her guest room to raise awareness about bullying. Because whether you're a 4-year-old, a 10-year-old, a 40-year-old woman or a weathered leather duffel bag filled with crazy, being bullied is never okay.
If this isn't proof that two men in lab coats need to bully Kelly into a straitjacket, I don't know what is. And Kelly is bullying our eye balls by forcing us to stare at that fugly ass Rent-A-Room armchair.
Sonja Morgan, the proud slut and drunk of The Real Housewives of NYC, was thrown into a cop car early Monday morning after she drove through a stop sign at 2:16 a.m in Southampton, Long Island. Sonja got an F on her sobriety test, and refused to put her lips on a breathalyzer, so she was arrested for DWI. A source tells the New York Post that Sonja was partying all weekend.
In Sonja's defense, if you had to be around that pack of crazy hyenas all the time you'd be sucking that bottle non-stop too.
Sonja is easily my favorite bitch on that show, because she loves kissing booze as much as she loves kissing peen, but I don't understand why in the hell she was driving. Sonja used to be married to J.P. Morgan's great-grandson, so she's got money falling out of her ass. Why drive yourself? Driving is hard! Based on Countess LuMann's broke down video and song, it's obvious she needs fast cash, so Sonja could've hired her as a driver. Mah friends.
YES! Ever since RuPaul's Drag Race went dark I've been craving some dick tucking EXTRAVAGANZANESS, and now I can finally inject a little into my ass lips thanks to The Real Housewives of NYC's Cuntress LuMann! This is his new video for "Money Can't Buy You Class (Elegance is LUUUUURNED)".
Who knew they can auto-tune a face too, because that looks nothing like her. They used more Vaseline on the lens than they do on LuMann's anus before her prostate exam.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leakes is one step closer to looking like Dwight's big butch twin brother thanks to the lipo job she got on her nose. The YBF has pictures of NeNe showing off her new look at one of Sheree's drag shows.
That nose job is so tragic that even Kim Zolciak would rip off her kitchen ass wig to cover that mess up. NeNe's born again nose is making bitch's snatch their own wigs!
How is NeNe going to call Kim a low-budget bitch now that she looks like she got rhinoplasty by...well by a bunch of rhinos. Let's compare old NeNe with new NeNe:
NeNe's new nose doesn't even look real. It looks like it's made out of wax. Stick a wick in it and say a prayer that her nose will settle down one day. Maybe NeNe will fall behind on her plastic surgery payments and the bank will foreclose on her new nose? Here's hoping.
Bethenny Frankel of The Real Chickenheads of NYC gave birth to a girl Hoppy (or as Jill Zarin probably says "a hobby") earlier today, a month ahead of her due date. Bethenny and her husband Jason Hoppy named their new baby friend Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy. If only. They really named her Bryn Hoppy. Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy has a better ring to it, honestly.
Bethenny's rep (aka her assistant who always uses a breakfast table as a desk) issued this statement to People:
"Bethenny and Jason are proud to welcome their new baby girl, Bryn Hoppy, born at 8 a.m. . . . in New York City. She is a 4 lb. 12 oz., healthy baby. Bryn, mom, dad and [their dog] Cookie are all very happy."
I know 4lbs sounds tiny, but that's a couple more pounds less than Alex McCord weighs and she's completely healthy and mentally stable. Actually, really bad example. Scratch that.
And somewhere in New York, Jill Zarin is crying and moaning to her husband Bobby about how Bethenny didn't call her as soon as the first drop of baby juice came out of her snatch. If Jill's mouth goes dry from whining so much, she should lick the grease off of Bobby's hair to get right again.