Real Housewives Shit

On the Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree said she expected to get a seven-figure divorce settlement from her ex-husband Bob Whitfield. Last year, Sheree got a divorce settlement which included a lump sum of $775,000, $1 million property, a little bit of his retirement plan and $2,142 a month in child support. That's not enough for Sheree, so she appealed that bitch all the way to the Georgia Supreme State Court where it will be heard on Monday.

According to Sheree's lawyer, she's only a high school graduate with barely any skills, so she has no way of making any kind of substantial income for herself or kids. She gets about $113k a year from the divorce, but says it's not enough for her to continue to be a member of "Atlanta's elite." UGH. I hate when she says that.

Before you stamp Sheree with the "greedy dumb bitch" stamp (available at Michael's), listen to me. Sheree needs money to take her truly faaaaabulous couture line "She by Sheree" to the "next level." Ugh. I hate when she says that too. Yes, Sheree said she wants to be an independent woman, but she needs her ex-husband's cash in order to become one. It doesn't make sense to us, but we're not part of Atlanta's elite like Sheree is. We just don't understand.

But seriously, if Sheree wants quick money, she needs to team up with Kim Zolciak for a duet of "Tightrope." There's two tightropes....

By the way, this is what Sheree's fellow Bravo reality star, Carla from Top Chef, thinks of this fuckery:

Source

Thanks Katie

Personally, I'd rather Kim Zolciak's gutter wig start its own blog, because it holds so many secrets. But I'll gladly settle for Kim's blog. Her first post is pretty damn entertaining. She just happened to run into these pictures of her at the beach. I mean, she magically found the pictures of her at the beach while she was at the beach? I'm confuseded. That's probably how she found her trusted wig friend too. She was walking along the beach in the Bahamas and spotted a pack of rabid dogs attacking the tortured thing. Since Kim has such a giving heart, she took pity on the wig and now the two are inseparable.

Speaking of her wig friend, she is a brave bitch for getting that close to the ocean. I'm sure the lifeguards warned her that the sharks will mistake her wig for a lame seal and try to eat that shit!

Anybitchisbeat, I can't wait for the future gems Kim's blog will bring us. We can now enjoy Kim's fuckery all year long!

I also had to read the comments on this shit, because I knew they would make me laugh until I farted. This is my favorite one and only because they quoted my favorite song at the moment:

You need to go back to your Chili's clinic and get your saggy ta-ta's lifted. There's a tightrope...

There's a tightrope!

AND it's pretty poignant that her upcoming appearances section is "coming soon." Story of her life!

(Thanks Angela)

I can finally get a full night's sleep now that I know that the The Really Not Housewives Who Are Mostly Broke of Atlanta has been renewed for season 2! Bravo announced the not-to-shocking news to EW.com. The show was expected to get a second season since it's the most successful Housewives show at Bravo. Sorry Vicki, the bitches of Atlanta beat the plastic surgery rejects of Orange County.

It's not known when the new season will premiere or if NeNe, Kim, Sheree, Lock Jaw and Lisa Wu will all return.

Kim's roadkill wig better ask for more money this time, because it's become the breakout star of this damn show. I expect it to get its own billing and storylines next season. It needs the cash! The thing is sick of surviving on Kim's cigarette fumes and Aquanet.

Speaking of money, those bitches better start taking out loans and selling their children, because they are going to need to look like even bigger spenders for the second season. NeNe better get someone to donate a mansion for filming, because it's not going to look right if she's shooting her scenes in a women's shelter. I'm joking! Mah Boo probably set her up. He would never let NeNe go without.

And I'm going to bet the rest of my Mother's Circus Animal Cookies supply that Lock Jaw will not be back and you won't even notice. When I looked at that cast photo above, I even asked myself, "Who's that bitch between NeNe and Kim?"

SPOILER ALERT! Lauri Waring bid farewell to The Real Housewives of Orange County on last night's episode because the bright lights were melting her face. No. Lauri's son was sentenced to 8-months in the clink for being a heroin-head, so she wants to spend all her time with her family. The shitty thing is that Lauri didn't have a proper goodbye. I was hoping they'd have a dinner where all the housewives would start fighting, but that didn't happen. During her final segment, they did show some hot pictures of Lauri back in the day. My mom had like ten million of those heirloom chokers from Charlotte Russe.

Lauri used to sort-of look like Laura Dern but now she looks like a microwaved Madame with too much bootleg botox in her face. Anyway, I'll miss that Shrinky Dink face.

While I enjoyed seeing Vicki's menopausal crotch attack Tamra's husband on a boat last night, the housewives needed to fight more. They almost never bitch each other out! Are they afraid that if they get too angry their implants will pop? Or their botoxed faces will explode? I need a cougar fight!

In other sad OC Housewives news, you might have heard but Gretchen's sugar daddy passed away back in September. He died before they could get married. Battle for the will!

Below is Lauri's goodbye filled with botoxed tears:

I'm thisclose to pulling a Crissy Crocker and posting a YouTube demanding that everyone leave NeNe Leakes alone! NeNe was reportedly kicked out of her home after she couldn't afford to pay rent. She later said it was all just a misunderstanding and her family chose to leave on their own. MyFox Atlanta couldn't leave it at that and they dug up the actual eviction documents! The eviction was later dropped, because they reached some kind of agreement. NeNe still had to shuffle out of her home because she couldn't afford that bitch anymore.

MyFox Atlanta went even further by investigating NeNe's husband's business. Nene's Bravo bio says that Greg Leakes is a successful real estate investor. Well, according to MyFox he's only successful at not paying his taxes. He owes over $100,000 in back taxes. They also spoke to a few of Greg's tenants who said he sucks and they never see him when they have complaints.

NeNe and Greg issued a statement saying they never claimed to be rich, but they do live a comfortable life.

This shit makes me want to close my eyes, cover my ears and sing "I say I'm tweeenty niiineeee...but I'm reaaaally eighty niiiinnnee." NeNe is a gift to reality TV and I don't care if she's broke like a Davis brother. It doesn't matter to me. The only thing that matters to me is that she's back for season 2 so that she can finally slap that yard sale wig off of Kim's head.

Click here to see the whole expose! I love the word expose. Try and use it in a sentence today.

NeNe Leakes says the gossip going around that she's been kicked out of her rented house is 100% wrong. The rumor was that NeNe was put out on the sidewalk after her family failed to pay around $6k in past due rent. There was even some official-looking document going around stating she was indeed evicted. NeNe says it's all just lie-telling! I'm close to believing her, because do you remember that document that said Kim was in fact 30? That shit was doctored! There's no way in wig hell that shit was real. Fraudulent!

NeNe wrote a little statement to Bravo swearing she's not a low budget bitch:

"The recent rumors alleging that my family faced an eviction are a huge misunderstanding and grossly inaccurate. I am truly blessed to enjoy a wonderful life and lifestyle. We have indeed moved to another home, but we did so on our own free will. We live in an absolutely beautiful home and we are fortunate to be able to live in the place of our choice. Unfortunately, there are many families who are facing real foreclosures and real evictions. That is not and never was the case with us. I know where we live and how we live, and for those blessings I am humbly thankful. It is disappointing that many members of the media have chosen to report gossip instead of news. Without wasting time on the details, the only thing I will say is that we were NOT evicted. Everybody knows that I like to be honest, real and upfront. If something was wrong, I would tell you! Thank you for your well wishes. However, please know that my family continues to be abundantly blessed, and that Miss NeNe has not skipped a beat!"

In my dreams, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper swooped down from his silver plane, ran his sexy fingers through his heavenly mop, giggled twinkle dust and made everything okay. Afterwards, NeNe thanked Mah Boo by letting him snuggle on her chichis for a few minutes.

But the truth is that raggedy ass Kim is probably behind this!

I wasn't home last week, so I didn't get to see the first episode from the new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I watched both new episodes last night and it's nowhere near as hot as The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta, but it's a suitable distraction until Kim and NeNe come back into my life.

This season they added a new gold digger: 30-something Gretchen who is engaged to a wealthy old ass Kenny Rogers look-alike. Gretchen is a skilled gold digger who knows exactly how the game is played. She swears on her tacky diamond watch that she's not just with him for his money and that she really loves him. She admits that she wasn't really attracted to the rich pepaw at the beginning, but she slowly fell in love with his "personality." I speak fluent gold digging talk and "personality" just means "checking account." She's my people.

As much as I could grow to love Gretchen for her "personality," I wouldn't shed an invisible tear if she left the show. Next week, one of the housewives says goodbye to the show forever. I doubt it's Gretchen, but that's my fucking wish.

Vicki can't go, because she's a bitch and she looks like Droopy Dog's mom after a bad chemical peel. Her face makes me feel better about myself. Jeana can't go, because her son Shane is fucking hot. Laurie can't go because she makes me laugh until my penis farts when she tries to cry. Seriously, she bawls, but no tears come out of her Death Valley face!

The truth is, Laurie's probably leaving the show. She's going to say that she's so busy and has to take care of her crackhead son. Blah. Blah. Blah. When in fact she just has to go away to get another face transplant. That's the truth.

And there's no way Tamra can leave. That show will crumble without her. She is my hands-down favorite ever! The clip below is just one reason why I adore her. When Gretchen says she's been divorced before, Tamra asks her if she left her first husband because he was poor. I love that bitch!

Remember when Kim Zolciak texted NeNe and called her a "low budget bitch"? Well, she might have been right. You see, the true star of the Real Housewives of Atlanta was evicted from her home for not paying rent! Yes, she apparently was a renter and not a buyer. Why couldn't this have happened to Kim?! Why did this happen to NeNe!?

The AJC reports that NeNe and her husband, Gregory Leakes, owed $6,240 in past rent on the 5,000 square foot home in Duluth, GA. This bitch only owed 6 grand? She could have wore that run down wig off of Kim's head and then sold it to the Smithsonian to pay her damn rent!

According to records, the home was purchased for $829k by some dude who lives overseas. NeNe and Greg moved into that shit in 2006. The eviction noticed was filed back in September.

In an e-mailed statement to the AJC, NeNe said, “It’s none of your business." But then she went on to sort-of explain what happened. She said the home “was a lease purchase corporate deal with Greg & his company. Things didn’t work out between the two of them so they did what they had to do and he did what he had to do. If we rent, lease purchase or buy, money is still coming out of my pocket. So who’s [sic] business is that??”

NeNe is now living under Kim's homeless shelter wig. NO! She said she's financially stable and doing fine. She says that, but I'm not sure if I believe this. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper needs to pick me up in his Vespa and together we'll ride like the wind to Georgia and help a reality TV icon! We will raise money by doing an interprative dance to Kim's "Tightrope" on the streets of Atlanta. Something must be done!

And methinks Bravo should think about changing the name of the show. Two of them aren't really housewives and another one is broke (tears). The title should be "The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta Who Can't Pay Their Rent." It hurt to write that.

I am still crying a river of tears for missing "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion show last night, but thankfully my best girlfriend, Grey Goose, has been there to dry my tears. And thankfully, a bunch of you sent me recaps of that shit, so it felt like I was right there, sitting right on top of Kim's Cancer wig. Oh wait, I mean her NOT-Cancer wig.

Jezebel has a clip of what looks like was the hottest part of that reunion shit. Kim starts crying invisible tears because everyone is hating on her dead donkey ass wig. Andy, the host, straight up asks her if she has cancer and she nods yes. Cut to like a few beats later when he asks her again and she says she doesn't have it. This bitch sucks at everything. She even sucks at lying! I know what disease she has, it's called YOUSADUMBLIAR-itis. And her hair didn't fall out, it got up and ran away, because it was sick of her fuckery. If her wig wasn't superglued on, it would've quit that bitch too. Shit, I'm surprised it didn't pry the glue off of itself and hit the road because of NeNe's death stares. I swear, NeNe's eyes could melt plastic and that's why Kim should fucking be afraid. I also love that Kim fucking waited at Chili's for her test results.

They should really change the name of this shit to "The Real Housewives (Plus A Delusional Bitch) Of Atlanta." Kim is not a housewife and she sure isn't real.

And now I must go cry some more into Grey Goose's lap. She really knows how to make everything better again.

Click here to watch the clip of Kim being a dumb ass lying whore.

My hotel doesn't get Bravo. Fuck. The end. Done. Finished. Goodnight. Life is caca. It's a wrap. All of the above. I fucking swear, I'm about to get on a Big Wheel and pedal my ass to the nearest joint that gets Bravo. Tonight is the television event of my life and I'm going to miss this shit. I should sue a dumb bitch over this! Somebody please call my ass and hold up the phone to the TV while "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion is playing. It will be like the old timey days when they just listened to the radio and shit.

I'm going to miss Kim explain why she wears a wig made out of dog pubes. I'm going to miss NeNe beat down Kim with her eyes. I'm going to miss Lisa Wu having a "Lisa Wu moment." This is the worst moment of my life. Ugh. Some beautiful soul who cares about humanity (i.e. ME) better put this entire shit on YouTube.

And now I must go and cry into my dildo, hoping to dream about all the amazing and beautiful things that are happening during the reunion show. All of you lucky skanks who get to watch this shit better be grateful for this gift. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!