Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell's furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood's the one who got the starring role in NBC's live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC's president said this in a statement to Playbill:
"Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn't be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”
First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What's next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I'm still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.
Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I'm serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.
Here's Carrie Underwears singing "The Sound of Music" a few years ago:
Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton's disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor's facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to "OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING" face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she'll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won't win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.
Taylor should've known that shit wasn't going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):
Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor's dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped 'em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it's her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.
And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn't a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude's a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!
I've said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn't get into this season of American Idol. I'm being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night's finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn't Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn't been a singing competition for a long ass time. It's a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.
Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant's hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody's grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.
Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should've won is America's Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn't do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.
Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There's a reason why balls don't drop during infancy. It's so that your baby doesn't sound like Barry White. But that's just me hating again. I'm sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.
Here's a few pictures from last night's finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo's bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).
As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger's bus hoping she'll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that'll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.
And you can almost smell the matin' odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He's ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray's main mullet fluffer.
Here's a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley,
Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.
Carrie Underwears got engaged over the weekend to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa Senators. The two pieces of boiled broccoli have been heavy petting (you know Carrie is going to keep her vagina to herself until marriage) since last year.
Carrie Underwears better not even think about changing her last name. There's only one famous Carrie Fisher allowed on this planet. Chewbacca will chew a bitch over this!
UsWeekly says that Mike confirmed the news at a press conference this morning. Mike was about to give all the exciting engagement details, but then he pulled a Rusty by falling the fuck asleep. Even Mike Fisher gets the bores when he thinks about Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwears.
But you know what's not boring? This picture of Mike Fisher getting his love handled from a dick sucker's point of view.
Whenever you see a sexy piece making the "snake going into the cave" gesture with his hands, that's your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.
Here's Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.
Carrie Underwears became Carrie Undertable or Underchairs or whatever she hell she hid under to keep herself off the cameras during a game last night. Underwears is apparently licking on Ottawa Senators player Mike Fisher. He plays hockey, which is my favorite sport because if you switch the o for an i, you get hickey! Or if you switch the ho for di, you get dickey! You get the point.
Anyway, Underwears saw that she was on TV, so bitch got shy and hit her knees like she had a 9" dick covered in Mother's Circus Cookie crumbs in front of her! That's my gut reaction whenever Mah Boo Anderson Cooper pops on the screen. Then I realize he's not really in the room and I just lay on the ground and weep.
You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne's relatives, because I know you know what I'm thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn't make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.
Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their "Favorite Comedy Movie" at the People's Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I've had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can't...
Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She's probably on the Grey's Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it's an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!
I usually watch the People's Choice Awards every year, because it's a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn't handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah...blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn't miss much.
The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn't grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.
Below I've thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn't vomit all over her face.
Carrie Underwears thinks all celebwhores should keep their mouth holes closed when it comes to publicly endorsing a presidential candidate. I'm sure Oprah is going to lose a lot of sleep over this.
In the new issue of TV Guide, Carrie said, "There is someone I do support, but I don't support publicly. I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate. It's saying that the American public isn't smart enough to make their own decisions. I would never want anybody to vote for anything or anybody just because I told them to. Music is where you go to get away from all the BS. Whether it's from politics or just the world around you, music should be an escape."
Celebwhores have the right to endorse whoever the fuck they want. Carrie also has the right to tell them to shut the fuck up. Just like I have the right to tell her to shut the fuck up. And you have the right to tell me shut me to shut the fuck up. See how that works?
That said, I'm about to go vote, so does anybody know who La Pequena and Rojo Caliente are publicly endorsing?
VIA Just Jared
Oh, look! 29-year-old Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" finally met her "twin" Carrie Underwears! Yeah, I'm full of lukewarm caca as usual. Carrie's wax figure's wig looks way more natural than Kim's beige yarn nest.
Carrie got her own wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC yesterday. And the night-shift workers at Madame Tussauds got a new "girlfriend" to fight over. If I worked the graveyard at that joint, I'd probably become friends with the wax figures and tell them all my problems. They are probably good listeners. Shit. Talking to Carrie's wax figure is probably like holding a conversation with the real thing.
Here's a few more of Carrie and her wax figure yesterday. Is it just me or does Carrie's wax figure look like it was face fucked a few times? Oh shit. The workers couldn't wait, could they?