Rachel Zoe

All is well in the world now that Marc Jacobs and his ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone are back to meticulously manicuring their pristine as fuck face beards together. Marc Jacobs took a ten second break from Lorenzo to break his brown sugar walls on the mole rat-sized dick of Brazilian fuck star Harry Louis, but he was struttin' his ass next to Lorenzo in St. Barts yesterday afternoon.

Marc and Lorenzo are in St. Barts with Chupa Zoe and Chupa Jr., and thank EVERYTHING for that. The people of St. Barts would throw themselves into the mouths of open sharks if they noticed that a soul-sucking demon beast was on the island, but they were too busy to notice because they were getting hypnotized by the flecks of glitter that spark off of Lorenzo and Marc when they wink at each other.

I'm not even mad at the fact that Marc's torso looks like the doodled-on book cover of a lonely 15-year-old girl who sits in a bathroom stall during lunch hour and thinks she's the reincarnation of Thora Birch's Ghost World character. Marc looks like the damn head coach of Lisa Frank's gymnast team.

Tom Ford would like you to know that if a tiny human was ever lucky enough to find itself suckling liquid gold out of his cashmere-covered tete stud (that's "nipple" to us non-fashion deities out there), he will never push his baby in a stroller made by Fameswhores 'R Us down the ho stroll. Tom will keep his child hidden form the public. You know, it would be like Rapunzel but with luxurious clothes, a sultry 70s soundtrack and NO FATTIES! Tom Ford puckered this out to Time Out Hong King (via The Cut):

"If I have children, no one will know about it until the child is born. And no one will ever see the child because I certainly wouldn’t use it as a press tool. If I have a child, you’ll see and notice that I had a child. Maybe you’ll see it when it’s 18, but I will keep it out of the spotlight. I wouldn’t use it as a press tool, as some people I know, have, recently.”

The piece of zombie hyde wrapped around Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's cheek bone must be smelling like musky disdain and ostrich leather, because Tom Ford has just slapped her with his glove and walked away.

Tom's lips are saying that he will keep his baby locked away in a mirrored and mink tower because he doesn't want to use it (I love when hos call babies "its") to summon the spotlight, but we all know the real reason why. Most babies are short in the legs, hairless in the face and don't know the difference between Beluga and Osetra caviar. Tom Ford cannot be seen with an uncouth ruffian like that! Tom Ford's baby needs ample amount of time to marinate in sophistication and develop a perfectly manicured beard that is refined enough to pass for The Queen's merkin.

And here's Chupa taking Chupa Jr. out for a press tour the other day. Chupa Jr. thanks Tom Ford for throwing shade his way.

It was LIT-ERALLY 5 seconds ago (6 days, to be exact exact) when Rachel "Chupa" Zoe sneezed out little Bananas Chanel (birth certificate name: Skyler Morrison Bergman) and he's already in front of a camera. Chupa posted this picture of her husband Harry Bieber and their child baby on her website today. Most babies look like golden raisins with tiny faces to me, so there's not much to comment on there. But I'm a little disappointed that he's wearing a plain onesie instead of McQueen lobster claw booties, a chinchilla vest and sunglasses bigger than his face. I mean, at least tell me that onesie is a reworked vintage Halston disco gown! Chupa, you disappoint!

The scampering of tiny feet in the sand and the wave of animalistic cries you heard last night was from the creatures of the desert heading for safe land after Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe climbed up to the tallest dune and held her newborn son up to the moon while letting out the first maternal roar of her species (sounds like this). RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!! The baby chupa is here!

After Rachel gently licked the chupa smegma off of her newborn (She spit it into a cup, of course. CALORIES!), she told People Magazine that she and her husband Hairy Bieber are the proud parents of a brand new baby boy! Their first son, named Skyler Morrison Berman, weighed in at 6 lbs., 12 oz. and is 20 inches long. Guinness Book of World Records was also on hand for this glorious occasion, because this is the first time in history that a newborn weighs more than his mother.

Rachel and Hairy Bieber released this happy statement of words:

Mom and Dad 'LITERALLY' could not be happier or more in love with their son!"

BANANAS! Mashed bananas, that is, since Rachel is a mama chupa now.

And about that name... I was hoping for Chiquita Chanel, but Skyler Morrison is the closest thing to that so I approve! Skyler Morrison sort of sounds like what someone would get in the "gay porn star name game" if they paired the name of the street they lost their virginity on with the last name of their favorite shoe designer. Mine would be Annandale Laundry (I'd tweak it into Annaldale Laundry, of course).

Oh, Paz de la Huerta's unpolluted beauty never fails to make me wish I could shapeshift into a sponge, wipe myself across the glistening tundra of Crisco called her face, wring myself out over an empty jar of Ragu and store it under my kitchen sink for whenever I need an extra touch of elegance in my frijoles. I pretty much get swoony whenever I've got a pearl choker in front of me, but Spaz went beyond. I'm talking about the hair that was probably styled by a beaver with no hands and her sideways juicy butt pit. Spaz is the only talented person on the planet who can make fart sounds with her armpit without lifting up her arm.

Looking like you just spent 19 hours giving birth to an oversized stone Buddha statue (or spent 19 hours reading Courtney Love's Tweets, or spent 19 hours in a heroin cave) is definitely a new kind of glamour.

Here's more of the fresh spring daisy that is Spaz at Elle's Women in Television event with Chupa Zoe, Jesse Tyler Ferguson (with his boyfriend Justin Mikita) and Sofia Vergara.

In the picture above taken on December 22nd of last year, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is about 6 months pregnant and she still looks about as small as a hog-nosed bat's snorting tube. But it's not like any of us ever expected Chupa to get as big as a house....or even as big as a dollhouse...or a Micro Machine police station. Basically, whoever is handling Chupa's c-section better bring a microscope to the delivery room, because her baby is going to be as small as the kidney stones Taylor used to spit out whenever Brad didn't UNPACK THE DAMN BOXES! Chupa also confirmed that she's giving birth to a little Thumbelino!

In an interview with Women's Wear Daily (via UsWeekly), Chupa patted her flat stomach and referred to the tiny raisinette inside as a "he." Chupa also said that her husband of 12 years Rodger Berman regularly kisses her belly before saying some shit like, "It's a little boy."

I'm not sure what's a bigger mess. Chupa dressing her newborn baby boy in a capelet made from the manes of persian ponies, or that she's obviously going to name her son "Bananas Chanel." Oh, please let her name him Bananas Chanel!

As a shiver sweeps through every creature in the desert, a smile has washed over the faces of the makers of baby fur vests and snakeskin onesies, because Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe has officially confirmed the rumor that there's an actual living and breathing thing hanging out in her uterus, cervix, and fallopian tube. Well, Chupa has the Micro Machine of ladyparts down there so the baby has to spread his shit out. Things are going to get really weird in a few weeks when her baby starts to grow bigger and demands more room!

Chupa's going to be sitting on the commode taking a piss and out will come a baby hand waving at her face. I guess she can give the baby hand a sheet of toilet paper so it can make itself useful by wiping down there for her. Anyway, this is what Chupa had to say on Twitter:

Hey everyone! I want to officially confirm to my loyal friends and followers that I am pregnant!...
about 3 hours ago via web

I feel great, Rodger and I are beyond excited and so thankful for all of your love and support. xoRZ & RB
about 3 hours ago via web

That picture of Chupa and her lesbian lover was taken only a few days ago and I don't think her fresh alien face is from a date with Botox. Her nerves are just SHOCKED and STARTLED that protein and nourishment is actually entering her system. I mean, up until a few OBGYN visits ago she had no idea that a banana is something you actually eat. That's truly bananas.

Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe normally looks like the wispy ghost of a 75-year-old first class passenger on the Titanic, but at last night's Elle Magazine's Women in Hollywood party she looked like she actually breaths in oxygen like the rest of us! And I bet she didn't even worry for one second about the possibility of airborne calories making their way into her body as she breathed in. I don't even have the urge to wash my clothes on her chest the way I normally do! Being maybe pregnant is working wonders on Chupa.

I say "maybe pregnant", because Chupa hasn't confirmed or denied that her golden raisin womb is currently occupied by a fetus the size of a lentil (and now I'm hungry) and you can't really tell from these pictures. Not that we'll ever able to tell since Chupa's 9-month baby bump is probably going to be the size of Michael Kors' penis head belly button.

Rachel "Chupcabra" Zoe's womb might be as small as a hallowed out raisin, but someway somehow a fetus has managed to squeeze itself in there. Hey, I've lived in apartments so small that I was able to take a dump while making my twin bed at the same time, so I have no sympathy for chupa fetus. Suck it up, chupa fetus! But not lit-er-ally, because that could make her raisin womb even smaller.

So...all last season on The Rachel Zoe Project, Chupa's husband Roger kept begging her for a baby. And not the kind of baby she brings home in the middle of the night to feed from on the bathroom floor. NO! A baby of their very own. Well, flip that hair, Roger, because a source tells OK! Magazine that Chupa is now eating for one!

This source says that 39-year-old (yeah, I know you want to see the receipts) Chupa is whispering to her closest friends that she's 3-months knocked up. The source went on to say, “But now that she’s pregnant, she’s telling people that this is something that she and Roger have wanted for many years and she’s finally at a level of success where she can afford to take some time off. She’s going to be going on maternity leave from full time styling immediately after this year’s Academy Awards, and doesn’t expect to work again until early fall at the earliest. She and Rodger are especially happy and Rachel, who can normally be quite emotionless, even teared up a few times as she started letting people in on the news.”

Don't tear up, Chupa! That's less nourishment for the chupa baby! Yeah, I don't really know how this happened either since I doubt Chupa even lets Roger cum in her out of fear that she'll gain more calories. Hell, she probably doesn't even let him bust some man chowder on her skin, because the cum calories could get into her system through her pores! This will be interesting.

And their baby is totally going to look like this:

Lock up your newborn babies in a Chinese Laundry or Payless shoe box, because there's going to be a new chupa waiting to snatch them by the neck! Yeah, Chupa won't get near anything related to Chinese Laundry.

Before Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe can sink her fangs into Brad Goreski and suck the everything out until all that's left is a pile of skin (which she'll paste onto her bones after her old skin moults off), he has decided to hit the evacuation slide and quit that bitch.

In a statement, which sounds like it was written while a Bette Midler song played in the background, to People, Brad says that he is no longer Chupa's main slave and won't be on the next season of Bravo's The Rachel Zoe Project.

“I love Rachel and she’s taught me everything I know. But there’s a point where either I do it now or I’ll never know what it’s like to spread my wings and soar.”

Chupa says that Brad told her a month ago and she couldn't stop hugging him. Uh huh. Trying to get in that last bite to the froat before the prey flies away.

“We couldn’t stop hugging and we couldn’t stop crying. He did this with such class and elegance. And I get it. I just told him, ‘I’m here for you always.’ We have a relationship that’s not normal. I jump into bed with him and wake him up and we have these pow wows and he’s like, ‘Wow, I haven’t brushed my teeth,’ I don’t want to hire somebody for the purpose of the show, we just got lucky. No one’s ever going to be Brad to me.”

Good, maybe now Brad won't be as busy. Seriously, 90% of that show is Chupa and Brad going on and on about how busy they are. Chupa can't even sit down at the dinner table to NOT think about eating, because she's busy matching the perfect Dior Homme cock ring with the perfect Versace pants. Chupa forces her husband to cut his hair like pedophile Justin Bieber, so she won't ever be tempted to bump bones with him. She doesn't have time!

Anyways, Brad will be missed from the show. Mostly because, now 99% of the show will be Chupa farting about how busy her life is. You know if she didn't talk about being busy as much as she talks about being busy, she probably wouldn't be that busy.