Rachel Zoe

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

As a bitchy gay brother myself, I know that it's in my job description to kindly take my sister to the side and fix her whenever she's looking busted. If I don't tell her she looks all kinds of wrong, who will? So when I read Christopher Ciccone's cunty comments about the way his sister looked at the VMAs, I didn't really think he was being mean-spirited. Since Vadge crushes her cell phone with her bare hands whenever he calls, he had no choice but to give his critique to E! News. Christopher is speaking from the bottom of his famewhoring heart.

This is what Chris said:

"She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don't keep. It's painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him."

While both Vadge and Chupa bathe in virgin's blood weekly, I don't see the resemblance at all.

But wait, let's compare a picture of Vadge with a picture of Chupa without her make-up on:

Okay, Christopher might have a point.

But seriously, methinks Christopher is just a tad bit jealous that Vadge has enough hair to BUMP her way to fabulousness with. Oh, Christopher, I'm sure you have enough hair down there. BUMP your pube bush!

For some reason, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is in Blanco, TX. Maybe she was styling Shelley Duvall for the Roswell UFO Festival? Yeah, who knows, but somehow Chupa ended up passing out in some dude's barn. She probably had too much Starbucks and Adderall and crashed majorly.

Chupa was discovered by some hillbillies who took her to the local taxidermist. It's happened before. Chupa will be fine. I'm sure she'll wake up from her caffeine coma in a couple of days and strut back to Hollywood where she'll shut it down for Eva Mendes and throw bananas at Anne Hathaway. Or something. Yes, I watch her show. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Here's Chupa looking much healthier a few days ago with her husband in Malibu.

Well, this is an odd couple. Last night in Malibu, MiserAlba and Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe had a meal together. Well, MiserAbla probably ate while Chupa just nibbled from a Ziploc bag filled with the eyelashes of babies and Nicole Richie's old dried-up fat cells. Chupa's diet explains why her mop looks like a scarecrow's armpit hair......

Seriously, what in the name of singed Barbie hair is that on her head?! I just want to throw a gallon of Gatorade over Chupa's head, because her hair is looking mighty thirsty. A bottle of lotion will instantly dry up just by looking at her hay head. Put a Wesson factory on it!

I have been feeling like the bottom of a cat litter box today, but now I feel like a fresh Mother's cookie after seeing this picture. At least I look like I can breathe oxygen without the help of a tank.

Fuck damn these bitches look beat. And the ho on the left isn't SamRo after hitting puberty. It's designer Matthew Williamson at the opening of his new store in NYC.

They should hang this picture up in schools to promote staying off the bad shit and eating vegetables instead.

I don't know who looks more haggard: HoHan or Chupa Zoe? I mean, HoHan looks like she crawled out of an OxyContin bottle. And Chupa looks like she can't chew solid foods. If you sprinkled salt over them, they'd shrivel down even more. Somebody needs to hook them up to an Ensure drip.

Earlier in the fall, I sort of fell in like with Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe and her reality show. I KNOW! I tried so hard not to like her. Every time I started to feel a little warmness for her, I'd change the channel, but I'd always go back. As someone who doesn't completely despise her, I feel it's my duty to tell her: DRINK SOME VIRGIN BLOOD! Seriously! Chupacabra looks like she's been without the nectar of her victims for some time now. Chupa is only thirty seven and she looks about eleventy thirty seven!

On her show, she regularly tells people they are "shutting it down" when they look hot. Well, Chupa is not shutting it down here. It looks like some of her internal organs might be shutting it down, but that's about it. Chupa also describes things as "bananas." Well, Chupa needs to eat a few banana trees....whole.

People usually want washboard abs, not a washboard chest! Somebody please sacrifice one of those Disney whores to Chupa. We could do without them, but I can't do without season 2 of her shit show!

Below is Chupa with her assistant Brad at The Cracked Xmas Fundraiser in Los Angeles last night.

Kate Hudson was in a full elevator, on her way to the roof top party for Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's new reality show, when she started freaking out like her vagina was on fire. A source told Page Six: "In the elevator she kept screeching, 'I'm freaking out! It's too much!' while waving her arms around."

Maybe her vagina was on fire? It's possible. She did sleep with Dax Shepard once. Or maybe she suddenly realized that she might have to look at Chupa up-close. That would make even the calmest whore go into panic attacks.

I'm seriously pissed at the people in that elevator. They lost their chance to really send Kate over the edge. If Kate Hudson started losing her caca in an elevator with me, I would calmly look at her with cunty eyes while pushing the emergency button. After the elevator came to a screeching halt, I'd sit back and relax while Kate climbed the walls like a trapped rat in heat.

When Kate finally got out of the elevator, she refused to do any press, saying, "I don't do that." Her spokesbitch denies the whole story. They said: "This is all ridiculous and completely untrue. Kate did go to Rachel's party to celebrate her new show, had a great time and left with the group of girlfriends she came with."

Now I know that spokesbitch's statement is a lie. Kate leaving a party with a group of GIRLfriends? It it doesn't have a working peen, Kate isn't leaving with it.

Image: Getty

If you haven't yet seen the 30-minute preview for Rachel Zoe's reality show on Bravo, you should try and catch that shit. I think they're pretty much re-running it every hour on the hour. I never knew Chupa's husband was so.....creepy. He might not be gay, but his hair surely is. He looks like Chupa created him out of pubic hair from a homo, candle wax and Ken Doll parts.

Anyway, Chupa is doing press for her shit show and she was asked what she eats all day. She told Harper's Bazaar (via P6), "It's not that I don't eat. I eat." When asked what she has for lunch, she answered, "Truth? I don't. I'm not a lady who lunches; it's a lull in the day." She went on to say, "When I'm on downtime like on vacation . . . I take care of myself. But when it's me working on my own, it's 7 p.m. and I've had coffee and a grapefruit." Hmmm....

Chupa eats! She just doesn't want to admit what she eats. She feasts on pills, small woodland creatures, children's hair and virgin's blood. You know, the Trollsen diet!

Salma Hayek is looking hotter than ever. She left her baby and oldie olsen boyfriend at home to attend the opening of the Sergio Rossi store in Beverly Hills last night. What Salma needs to do is stay away from Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe. Chupa looks like she needs the blood of a virgin STAT. I'm waiting for her to break out into hysterics and beg for the One Ring to finally free her. Chupa! Stop wasting Salma's time and go and get your ring back from Bilbo Baggins.

I adore Salma. Hopefully this is her only meeting with Chupa.

Ashley Olsen looked like she didn't just crawl out from the gutter, Jared Leto didn't look like a douche member of an Emo tribute band, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe didn't look like she was jonesing for virgin blood and even Rumer Willis didn't look completely unfortunate. Celebrities sure cleaned themselves up for the Art of Elysium party last night in Los Angeles.

Even Ryan Gaycrest didn't look like he just came back from a gay gang bang. They all cleaned up pretty well. Well, except for Calista Flockhart. She's starting to look like Harrison Ford's spinster older sister.