Last night's season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.
Because Stefon just couldn't wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they're ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.
Yes, it's true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn't that against the law? I'd sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.
And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don't think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn't an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn't kiss Seth and he doesn't kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.
If you're hoping that next season, NBC will completely retool SNL and fill it with nothing but skits starring Stefon (they can call it Stefonly Night Live)... Well, I have to break your boner of dreams, because that's not happening. Stefon (real name: William Hader) told The New York Times (Side note: In the past 12 hours, I've been posting so much stuff from The New York Times. Does that me smarter or them trashier?) that he'll take his final bow on the SNL stage during Saturday's season finale. Bill Hader has been on SNL for 8 years and he says that it's time for him to officially, once and for all quit that bitch:
“It was a hard decision, but it has to happen at some point. It got to a point where I said, ‘Maybe it’s just time to go.’ ”
Seth Meyers is leaving after next season to do Late Night and the Times says that Fred Armisen and Jason Sudeikis might also follow Bill Hader out the exit door.
The good news is that now Bill Hader has time to make a road trip movie starring himself as Stefon and himself as Lindsey Buckingham.
For SNL's cold open last night, the New York City Chirrun's Chorus sang "Silent Night" in memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting. I know, isn't it weird how an invisible wind storm blew all up into our eyes at the same time last night? This was the best part of SNL last night and it was even better than Samuel L. Jackson dropping some kind of f bomb and blurting out "bullshit." And that's saying a lot.
In case you missed Joseph Gordon-Levitt's chicken cordon bleu man titties flopping up and down, here he is impregnating the floor during his Ode to Magic Mike performance on SNL last night. I know JGL has been grown for a long time now, but it still surprises me that that he no longer has the body of a skinny ass 10-year-old boy (or like Parasite Hilton) and that his luscious chichis have grown in. Getting the tingles from watching JGL butt fuck the air made me realize that I'd probably also get the tingles from watching an evil spirit being passed into the body of a terrified chicken during an exorcism ritual, because that's what he looked like.
With that being said, I'd still hit it even though when I saw GIFs of this early this morning I thought it was Billy Bush.
And click here for a better version that doesn't make you feel like you're looking at it through a broken View-Master.
Justin Timberlake's main heartmate Andy Samberg tells The New York Times what all of us have already known. Andy has picked up his dick in the box and sashayed out the Studio 8H exit door right behind Kristen Wiig. Andy says that his contract was up and he felt it was time to move and spend his Saturday nights trying to make his natural curls more luscious with the help of rubber rods and curling custard (Side note: Those two things can also be used as substitutes for dildos and butt lube if you're looking for a quick thrill.)
“It’s an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life. Obviously it’s not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back. She (Kristen Wiig) kept saying it just feels like it’s her time. I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it’s the moment. My contract’s up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do.”
Andy will go on to star in a buddy movie with (insert the name of 2012's Queen Latifah here) and a few movies with (insert the name of 2012's Drew Barrymore here) before hosting his own late late late night show on NBC. If I missed anything, just look over the blueprint for Jimmy Fallon's career and fill in the blanks. But seriously, Kristen Wiig gets a huge ass goodbye party and what did Andy Samberg get? Maybe a party in the break room with chocolate cake from KFC? Actually, Andy's send-off sounds better, because who doesn't love chocolate cake that has been in a KFC fridge so long (because who buys chocolate cake from KFC) that it sort of tastes like chicken fumes and coleslaw.
On the season finale of SNL last night, the show's host Mick Jagger sang out a goodbye lullaby to Kristen Wiig as all of her cast master danced her off. It's the end of a baby hands era! While watching this last night, some people probably thought to themselves, "No more Judice! No more Gilly! No more Penelope!" But all I kept thinking about was how much Kristen's business suit looked like extra floppy foreskin to me. It kind of does. But what doesn't look like a dick bib to me? Everything does. I had a manicure yesterday and as she cut away my cuticles, I got kind of sad. Cuticles are like nail foreskin and she totally circumcised me!
Remember when you were 19 and your mother would tell you to "pat don't scratch" your genital warts? Well, I was reminded of this when RiRi kept patting at her puss while performing on SNL last night. RiRi is obviously trying to coin a dance move like Michael Jackson's dick grab, but I'm conflicted about this. On one hand, I don't really need to see RiRi TSA herself in HD. On the other hand, RiRi playing patty cake with her chocha did take the focus away from her goat yodeling and the rest of her dance moves, so I just don't know. But I do know that bitch needs to immediately make a "pat don't scratch" PSA on behalf of the free clinic.
And in case you missed last night's episode, here's what I thought was the best part:
It's kind of true, because I've heard women say that after reading 50 Shades of Crap, they had to put a mop down there to absorb all the panty pudding. When they walked, their gushy crotches made sounds like a small pony tap dancing on a full sponge. It must be a lady thing, because it didn't have the same effect on me. I had to quit that book after 150 pages in. Yeah, they fuck a few times, but the author left out the most important detail: Christian Grey's dick! How long is it in inches? If it was an item on Taco Bell's menu, would it be a cinnamon twist or a chalupa with extra cheese? How am I supposed to get into that shit if I don't know what I'm working with? That's just lazy porn writing!
And Samberg-less. And Jason Sudeikis-less. UsWeekly is saying that Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis will all punch out their time cards at 30 Rock for the final time when the season ends. The source had this to say about Kristen, Andy and Jason quitting that bitch after this season:
"Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis are all leaving after the end of the season. It will be a huge blow to the show. Without Andy's video shorts and Kristen saving every skit, they'll need help!"
A rep for Kristen and Andy say that UsWeekly needs to get up in front of the class and tell everyone that they can no longer get candy from the candy jar as a reward, because they told a lie. (True story: My third grade teacher made me do that after I lied about taking candy from the candy jar. But in my defense, my mom's idea of candy was an apple slice, so my shit was hard up for candy!)
Kristen and Andy say NO to this, but it wouldn't be a surprise if it turned out to be true. Kristen has to go and write the remake of Bridesmaids (with the way Hollywood works, we're due for one), Jason Sudeikis is busy starring in blind items about January Jones and Andy Samberg has to plan his big wedding with his true soulmate Justin Timberlake (that Jessica Biel shit is a front!).
"Live From New York, It's...It's....Can You Hold That Cue Card Up Higher? I Can't See My Next Line!"
And just like that, a thousand "Since when does this bitch have trouble doing lines?" jokes were born.
After a full week of whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview, Lindsay Lohan finally hosted SNL last night and showed us all that she probably should've spent less time whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview and more time rehearsing her
LiLo's opening sketch (click here if you can't see it above), she made fun of her crackie ways, which was kind of awkward. Robert Downey Jr. making fun of how he broke into a ho's house a million years ago and took a nap is funny. LiLo making fun of getting pat down for 8-balls it just awkward since I'm pretty sure she still gets pat down for 8-balls on the regular. Doing that shit live was obviously way too much for LiLo to snort up at once. Because LiLo was best (that isn't saying much) in the pre-taped Real Housewives of Disney sketch, which really should be made into a real show (click if you can't see that mess below):
In the other sketches, LiLo seemed extra shifty and had the energy of a soft dick in a tub of ice water. The writers barely used her ass and when they throw her some lines, she read them the same way a nervous and hungover 9-year-old with severe constipation reads in front of his class. Bitch was not ready for this shit. Overall, it wasn't the comedy comeback LiLo was hoping for, but it also wasn't January Jones levels of suck. That said, the producers should've cut the entire show and just showed us 90 minutes of standby host Jon Hamm giggling at the camera.
If you want to watch the whole thing and your computer has American citizenship, click here. And here's a few pictures of LiLo, the gorgeous White Oprah (and her shar pei chins) and Jill Zarin at the after-party.
NBC should've gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend's Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan's face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn't freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan's face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don't know if she's storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she's trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.
I am also well aware that she's got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin's b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening.....
Here's a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she's ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.