Queen Aretha

As John Travolta kept wigs off of his head and fries in his mouth on the West Coast, Aretha Franklin showed him how a queen really does it by wearing a wig made of seasoned curly fries on top of her head in NYC. You should be bowing to Queen Aretha's "Goldilocks ate the Three Bears" look the same way her magnificent chichis are bowing down to the halo of golden ringlets hovering carefully above her hairline.

I bet every damn fashion designer showing at Fashion Week is heeling themselves straight in the taint (it can be done with stretching and squatting) for not matching their models' hair to their necklaces the way Aretha did. When supposed "fashion icon" Kate Middleton wears a necklace of mouse fur dipped in dishwater, you know where she it got from. ALL HAIL!

Aretha Franklin has whipped out one of her slightly less plump magnificent chichis and pounded on the rumor that she suffers from pancreatic cancer. And then she turned the gastric bypass rumors into pallard, cooked it in olive oil and slowly nibbled on it with a side of cucumber salad. The sicks didn't melt Aretha's chunk away and neither did a belt wrapped around her stomach. Aretha told Access Hollywood last night that she did it by shooing the chitterlings off her plate. Aretha put it like this:

"Somewhere I heard that somebody thinks I got some bariatric surgery, I think that's it. That is surgery I would never ever ever ever ever ever. Believe me. I would not. That is crazy. If I had to have that surgery I'd be fat. Believe me. I had a cousin who had that surgery and she turns green and she did pass too. That's something I would never ever do."

If Queen Aretha is Star Jones-ing us, she's doing it better than Star ever did! That "I don't even know how to pronounce it!" trick she pulled out of her lacefront is one that I just might have to use. I mean, I've never EVER ever ever EVER ever smoked that naryjuanvaldez stuff. I don't even know how to say it!

When Fantasia's name was read as the winner of the Best Female Pop Vocal Grammy earlier this month, she did not take the stage to accept, and she didn't even send her brother Teeny to grab the trophy in her place before mumbling about how he's working an album in his recording studio/guest bathroom. Nothing. Fantasia later gave a completely ridiculous reason for why she didn't show up. Bitch's ass got chapped, because the Grammy producers did not ask her to sing during the Aretha Franklin tribute. Fanny told BET that Aretha is her idol and she should've been on that stage hollerin' the steady out of Xtina's feet.

USA Today asked Aretha what she thinks about Fanny's excuse and well, when The Queen speaks:

"I was sorry to hear that Fantasia was upset because she did not get the opportunity to participate in my Grammy Tribute this year. I recall that in the past, Fantasia participated in both my MusicCares Person of the Year Tribute and my United Negro College Fund Tribute. Fantasia is still young in the business and although we all love and appreciate her she must understand that in this business of show business she will not always get to participate in everything she would like participate in. I'm sure it was not an intentional omission. I will see Fantasia over the summer here in Detroit."

This is Aretha's polite way of saying that she has chafe sores under her magnificent chichis that are older than Fantasia. So Fanny needs to take a fucking seat at the children's table and eat every piece of STFU on the plate Aretha prepared just for her.

When a vision in ethereal pink magically appeared on the Grammys Sunday night, it took me a few blinks to realize it was actually Aretha Franklin and not a hologram visiting us from her Freeway of Love days. Aretha is now as skinny as one of her old chichi nipples. Aretha continues to deny the pancreatic cancer rumors and tells the Associated Press that the chunk melted off her body the old fashioned way: from diet and exercise. Aretha is no longer catching pigs and chewing their feet off with her bare teeth. Aretha is now getting all her nourishment from Whole Foods.

Wilbur, Tiny and Babe can crawl out of their hiding places, because Aretha says that she has sworn off chitterlings, pig's feet and ham hocks. Aretha puts it like this: "They're off my diet. They just really don't fit with Whole Foods. I had it for enough years that I don't miss it. You can't continue to eat things that are not good for you. When you come off (a high-energy concert), a carrot or some celery just isn't going to work. "I've gotta do a fresh fruit thing ... and come up with some tasty and satisfying recipes that are going to work for me after concerts."

Aretha will triumphantly return to her throne on the stage this May at a concert in Buffalo, NY.

I see you thinking you're a member of the Bionic Six by using your x-ray eyes to look at the girdle band around Aretha's stomach organ. It's not there! If Aretha says she lost an Olsen from nibbling on organic grains and celery leaves, then I believe her (or do I?)! And I'm happier than John Travolta with a hairy ass in front of him that Aretha has her health back, but is she really off ham hocks for good good?! Damn. I guess we'll have to abort our plan of pushing Kim Kardashian in front of Aretha.

The flame burning from my Saint Bea candle has been sending smoky clouds of good thoughts towards Aretha Franklin ever since I learned that she's down and out in Detroit. Aretha underwent a mystery surgery for a mystery condition last month and some people claimed she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Aretha refused to comment on those rumors then and she's refusing to comment on that shit now. Ask Aretha about it and the question mark over your head will be replaced with stars when she knocks you out with one of her powerhouse chichis.

Aretha admitted to Jet (via People) that she had a CAT-scan and colonoscopy after suffering a pain to her side. The CAT-scan showed what the problem was, but Aretha wouldn't say anything more than that. When Jet asked her about the cancer rumors, Aretha got real:

“I am not one to do a lot of talking about my personal health or business. Not too much, not too much. There are a lot of people who will talk about anything, as long as there is somebody listening. But I am not one of those people. That’s not Aretha.

I am not going to even deal with that. I don’t have to talk about my health with anybody other than my doctors. The problem has been resolved.

I want to thank my fans and friends and supporters who have prayed for me and sent me beautiful cards and flowers."

"That's Not Aretha" is totally the new "Not the One."

Just like that pearl necklace, my soul dribbled down into a dark canyon of uncertainty when Aretha Franklin underwent a mystery surgery for a mysterious condition two weeks ago. Aretha has yet to confirm or deny that the mysterious condition is pancreatic cancer. But Aretha did release a statement saying that she's resting her chichis in the comfort of her own bed and is hoping she'll be well enough to get some theater in her life very soon. Aretha cooed this out to the Free Press:

“I’ve been at home for almost three days now. My family and friends who brought me home are taking great care of me. I also have a private nurse who visits on a daily basis. I’m hoping to be strong enough to go out and see the upcoming Sam Cooke play at the Music Hall in downtown Detroit before Jan. 2, as well as a performance of ‘Dreamgirls’ at the Fox before it closes.”

Since Aretha is craving some DRAMA and THEATRICALITY, let me deliver some to her bedside. Here's an absolutely riveting silent movie of a ladybug playing a game of pool with itself.

Yes, ladybugs suck at playing pool but the bitch is trying. Clap for that!

via Cute Overload

A dark cloud blew into the dusty ashglobe in my chest yesterday when it was reported that Aretha Franklin is down and out with a life-threatening disease. Some say that the disease is cancer, and others specifically said it's incurable pancreatic cancer. Aretha's publicist has Super Glued his lips shut about this topic and has yet to release any kind of statement about her condition or what's keeping her laid up in a hospital bed. But Aretha's cousin (It's always the cousin!) Brenda Corbett tells the Detroit Free Press (via AP) that the Queen will be back to hollerin' her wig off on stage in the late spring or early summer.

Cousin Brenda put it like this: “Aretha is doing better than doctors expected. She has a long life in front of her and will be back in concert, on stage, late spring or early summer. This girl is doing great, and they (The National Enquirer) need to stop it.”

Aretha's sister-in-law Earline wouldn't even put the tip of her finger on The National Enquirer story, but she did say this: “Aretha is doing absolutely wonderful. All the prayers and well wishes have supported her, and she’s doing well.” BUT another one of Aretha's relatives who wished to remain nameless confirmed The National Enquirer story and said it is pancreatic cancer.

Why do we all have that one "I wish to remain nameless" relative in our family? You know that bitch. That one family member who whispers like it was their major in community college. They're always huddled in the corner with your auntie talking shush-like. When their eyes catch your eyes staring at them, they straighten up and switch gears. When you ask them what they were talking about, they look you in the eyelashes and say some shit like, "Just talking about how the El Pollo Loco rice is soggy." And you're thinking to yourself, "I know who's getting a 98 cent gift certificate to the 99 Cent Store this Christmas!"

And just for the record, Cousin Kelly, I wasn't lying about the El Pollo Loco rice being soggy! It really was!

The National Enquirer doesn't only publish stories that make polygraph machines scribble out "Are you serious?". They sometimes get things right, which is why this story about Aretha Franklin's health is making me punch and hug at the air at the same time. When Queen Aretha underwent surgery for a mysterious condition, many (including yours truly) figured she just got her stomach pinched and her magnificent chichis shrunk down to the size of a baby elephant.

But The National Enquirer (via PopCrunch) claims they know the real reason and it's serious. They are saying that Aretha has been diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer and given a 5-10% of survival. There aren't enough Os available for me to properly express the NOOOOOO! that is swirling around my heart.

Aretha's rep has yet to confirm or deny this, so there's some hope that The National Enquirer is just saying this to make sure their name is on the list at the VIP entrance in HELL. Yes, they want to feel all special and shit as they wave to us in the back of the line.

UPDATE: One of Aretha's family members told MyFox Detroit that she does have cancer. The relative said that Aretha is doing okay, but everything is still really concerned. The family member didn't say what type of cancer Aretha was diagnosed with. No word from Aretha's rep yet.

(Thanks Jess)

God is obviously a tits man (I can already feel my abuelita's switch triple slapping my hands for that one) because he anointed himself the head conductor of Aretha Franklin's mystery surgery and led her doctors to success! That's what Aretha said anyway in a statement to USA Today following the surgery for an ailment she doesn't want to discuss (areola lift?). A small prayer vigil was held for Aretha in Downtown Detroit on Wednesday night and Queen Aretha thanked them for rebuking the ills (or whatever is keeping her down) from her being:

"The surgery was highly successful. God is still in control. I had superb doctors and nurses whom were blessed by all the prayers of the city and the country. God bless you all for your prayers!

The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin"

You hear that, Stevie Johnson? God's (wearing his strongest weight lifting belt) got Aretha's back, so don't mad the next time you screw up a touchdown. God's got more important things to tend to like the downsizing of Aretha's mammary mountains. That's what I'm guessing this "mystery surgery" is anyway and strangely enough it's not making me throw a black veil over my nipples and wail out in mourning. I understand. Aretha's spine needs a vacation. Like a toothpick holding up two turduckens. Arethan's chichis will always be magnificent to me even though her cleavage will no longer be able to hide every item on the Dollar Menu.

In Downtown Detroit last night, loyal subjects of Aretha Franklin quietly gathered together to bow their breasts and send a million prayers into the December air to protect the Queen. Queen Aretha has been suffering from medical issue after medical issue after she fell down in the tub a little while ago. Aretha canceled all of her concerts and appearances until May so that she can be fully healed when she goes back to bear hugging your soul with her glorious voice.

The Huffington Post reports that Aretha is undergoing a medical procedure today, so Detroit's Councilwoman JoAnne Watson organized a prayer vigil in her honor last night. Aretha's rep, Tracey Jordan (who I'm sure looks like this), thanked everyone for showering her with prayers and good thoughts, but when asked what the medical procedure is for he ripped off Aretha's ailin' wig and slapped a trick with it.

I've said it before, but I'll stay it again. Everyone's nipples will shrivel up and fall off if anything happens to Aretha, so stop putting an extra heaping serving of Whipped Lightning on your afternoon coffee and send a good thought her way!

(Thanks to all who sent this in)