Queen Aretha

Somebody get on the phone to Chris Nolan and tell him that if Catwoman is in the next Batman movie, Aretha Franklin is just woman for the JOB! The chichi queen stepped out in NYC last night wearing cat print from head to cankles.

Really, if this isn't the new Catchichis, I don't know who is. Actually, Queen Aretha is better than Catwoman! She doesn't need some stupid leather whip to defend herself with. Queen Aretha subdues her enemies with the giant link of sausages she always keeps hidden in between her mounds of wonder. And Queen Aretha can meow without even opening her mouth. Whenever Aretha glides across a room, her nipples meow like ten dozen cats in heat. Pounce at 'em, Aretha!

Time Magazine's ho of the year better be Aretha Franklin's damn inauguration hat, because that bitch is everywhere. It made an appearance in cake form at Aretha's 67th birthday party in Detroit on Friday.

Seconds after this picture was taken, the table and everything on it disappeared. Everyone immediately looked at Aretha and the single yellow rose petal resting on her upper lip.

In other news, ostriches are now extinct.

VIA Rhymes with Snitch

Queen Aretha looked like a big ass Christmas gift while performing at Obama's inauguration today. Why didn't I get the gift of two magnificent chichi mounds on Christmas? And Aretha's mammoth breasteses would be an extra special gift because you know she has a chocolate bar or Rice Krispy treat hidden in there.

Aretha kept her 8th world wonder chichis covered up today because there would have been a riot if she brought them out. I mean, I'd slap a family of bunny rabbits just to rest my cheek against her heavenly clouds. They make bitch go crazy!

And you know why Aretha is the queen of all queens? Because she can tell a dumb bitch to "shut up" while belting the fuck out of a song. At least that's what it sounds like to me. Watch the video above and judge for yourself. Aretha doesn't miss a beat! The nosy ho who interrupted her is going to be sorry. I'm sure they ate their own tongue after being told off by Aretha. And Aretha's totally going to roll them in puff pastry and swallow their ass down.

The Queen (I have to call her that or she'll end me) performed her own thrilling rendition of Mimi's "Touch My Body" the other night during her show in DC. This isn't the first time Aretha has sang this song. No, she serenades all of her 35 daily meals with this beautiful tune while she pours melted butter all over the plate.

Touching the Chichi Queen's entire body would take days, months, years. You'd have to bring your passport, some dried food packs, gallons of water, a flare fun, an oxygen tank and a Husky dog. You might not ever come back if you get trapped underneath one of her tittay boulders. There might be a half-eaten Hoagie up in there to keep you going for a few weeks after your supplies have run out, but after that, you're fucked.

And here's a few pictures of Queen Aretha leaving Matt Lauer's roast in NYC the other night. Like Tommy Girl, the Chichi Queen was probably disappointed because she misunderstood the meaning of a ROAST. She even wore her favorite eatin' scarf and everything!