KITTENS

Hugh Hefner is without a bride/colostomy bag changer, Mildred Baena's brows are in a sate of tragic, Heidi Bivens just got her man snatched by the world's famous spinster and yet they should all know that it could be worse. They could be a kitten stuck in a hamster ball.

And no, I would not be surprised if you told me that "pussy stuck in a ball" is the #48 reason for why people go to the emergency room in the middle of the night on a weekend in Northampton, Massachusetts.

via Buzzfeed

You can either read the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's "intimate and secret" wedding, or you can just skip down below to a video of two kittens falling into the Zzzzzzzs (aka you while reading the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's wedding). You should go through the door marked "SWEEPY KITTEHS." Seriously, go with the kittens. GO! You're on your way to the kittens, right? They are waiting to fall asleep for you. GO!

People Magazine reports that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got married just a month after announcing their engagement. Miranda issued a statement of words explaining why she recently canceled an appearance she was scheduled to make at David Jones in Australia: "David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together."

Miranda didn't give up anymore details such as if pretty Orlando wore a tiara on his pretty head or if he went with a classic white veil. Miranda also didn't say how long the pretty fetus in her pretty womb has been hanging out in there. Well, your thoughts went there. And if you're reading this that means you didn't go with the kittens. You ignored the kittens! You are a monster! May a kitten never fall asleep in front of you again! Wait. Actually, if you tried to read this post instead of watching the sleepy kittens, you are probably asleep too...like the kittens! Sleep on then!

KITTENS!!! via TDW

A two-faced pussy (no relation to Paris Hilton) sounds like something that might crawl into your nightmares, but this one is actually kind of adorable. Although, Two Face is small enough that it can get into your room undetected and climb up onto your bed to steal air from your mouth and nostrils at the same time. That's if Richard Gere doesn't get to Two Face first. Two faces = two tongues = Richard Gere, don't even fucking think about it!

And here's another cat video of a cute kitten in a top hat is just trying to be cute on camera when a bitchy ass bitchy pussy tries to slap the cuteness out of it. You can relate. Sometimes you just want to slap a kitten in a tiny hat.

Speedo (that name explains why she's such a cunt) is just jealous that she can't wear a tiny hat, because her head is too fat! Or maybe Speedo pimp slapped her kitten for failing to entertain while wearing a tiny hat. If that's the case, Speedo is totally the Joe Jackson of cats.

via TDW and BWE

Look, it's scissoring as seen through the eyes of Cute Overload! G-rated puss on puss action.

You might be waiting for a big happy ending, but the truth is the whole video is one giant happy ending!

via Videogum

You know, I shouldn't joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I'll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I'm fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It's serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I'm a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn't reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.

Project Runway's Kenley Collins, also known as The Pussy Thrower of Brooklyn, was in court today to answer to the charges that she attacked her former fiance, Zac Penley, with her a cat, laptop and apples. Kenley pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct. The judge gave her a $120 fine and said she must stay away from Zac Penley for two whole years.

This means she'll never marry Zac Penley, which means she'll never be Kenley Penley, which means we'll never be able to scream "HAHAHA! Your name is Kenley Penley" at her when she's walking down the street. Sad.

And I think I speak for the pussy she threw when I ask, "Does she have to stay away from the cat too?" Because I'm sure the pussy hasn't slept a wink since the incident! Bitch is too afraid that Kenley's crazy ass will launch him again.

This is a clip of a KITTEH re-enacting me trying to jump through a window after seeing the ice cream truck go by. It happens to me every time and I still keep trying.

FYI: No kittens were broken in the making of this shit.

Yesterday was one of the biggest televised sporting events of the year: Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl V! Some people died from all the excitement. True fact. Halfway through this heart-stopping and tongue-swallowing event, the puppies went off to clean each other's asses with their tongues and that's when it was the kittens turn to entertain. KITTENS!!!! If you thought the Puppy Bowl killed hearts and made ovaries burst, the Kitty Half-Time Show presented by Bissell (um, ok?) was so spectacularly cute that I think I actually felt warm in my heart area. Or maybe that was just the microwaved saltines and Kraft slices talking.

The "other" Bowl also had their own half-time show. It's kind of gives me "the awwws" that they actually thought they could compete with the world famous KITTY Half-Time Extravaganza. But they did try by bringing out The Leader Bruce Springsteen! Or is it The Supervisor? The Assistant Manager? The Boss? I forget.

You know, Bruce gave that shit all he had. He thrust that crotch like a strung out lunch-shift stripper trying to get a dollar so she can make another layaway payment on her crack rock. Seriously, he was all over it.

Now, even though I give Bruce half-a-clap for his Jersey crotch, the furry pussy balls win this shit! They sealed the deal at the 4:50 mark. I mean, one pussy is nibbling on another pussy's ear! It's so fucking cute that I want to eat my own ear off!

Pussy balls are on top and Jersey crotch is on the bottom.

Ever since my heart turned back into ash after the Shiba Inu 6 broke up to focus on their solo careers, a lot of you whores sent me new puppy cams to try and fill the dead hole in my life (STFU if you're thinking what I think you're thinking about the "dead hole" comment).

None of the new puppy cams even came close to making my heart sing again. Well, this morning, my inbox was filled to Videogum's post on a new kitty cam featuring....you guessed it, genius: KITTENS!!!!

I've had it on most of the morning and I can say with complete confidence: this does nothing for me. I kept waiting for Kika, the Shiba Inu mommy, to stroll in for feeding time. And like Videogum pointed out, there's no sound on this kitten cam! How can I fall in love if I can't hear the furry pussy babies meow during their dream times?

For some of you, this may restore your faith in love after you thought it was all lost when the Shiba Inus went away forever. This is why I present this to you.

This is the part of the day where we watch a kitten playing with broccoli. The white cat on the futon is thinking, "That pussy needs help."

Broccoli Kitten has my vote as the opening act on Spaghetti Cat's world tour.

VIA ICanHasCheezeburger

Thanks Hanna