Another One Bites The Dust

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

It's been said (it's never been said) that celebrity relationships die in threes, which means there's a vacant grave in the middle of Vanessa & Johnny (maybe) and Heidi & Seal's graves. And Star Magazine (via HL) says that a tombstone for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's marriage is being made right now. Star's source says that their marriage is in death row right now and headed for the gas chamber, because Gwen is having a hard time dealing with all the secrets that are coming out about Gavin's past. Makes sense. There's only so many times that a bitch can make this face:

over her husband's latest SHOCKING revelation before she just can't take it anymore.

Star says that the first SHOCKING revelation came two years into their marriage when Gavin found out that he had a secret love child named Daisy Lowe. The second SHOCKING revelation came when Marilyn said that he had bumped b-holes with Gavin back in the old days. The third SHOCKING revelation came when Courtney Love told Howard Stern that she screwed on Gavin for 8 months while he was still dating Gwen. The source says that Gwen doesn't know how she can trust Gavin anymore and the two are in therapy:

“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding. It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feels like she doesn’t even know."

When you've been married to the father of your two children for almost 10 years, you should look past his past and present and do whatever it takes to make it work. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep your marriage alive. But when you find out that Courtney Love once shoved an Adderall up your husband's anus and fished it out with her tongue (that's Court's favorite game), that's a deal breaker. That's more than a deal breaker. That's some "call the priest and annul this mess" kind of shit.

Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this:

"You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!"

Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination.

Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS:

Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi.

Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.

Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.

And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list.

The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years

This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now.

How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out.

Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea!

Radar started digging a grave in the Hollywood Relationship Cemetery for Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's relationship a couple of weeks ago when they reported that V and J are no longer rubbing their greasy, dirty, cheese-covered parts on each other. (What's really sad is that when Vanessa and Johnny rub on each other, their bodies churn out a gourmet ball of French American cheese jelly that is best enjoyed on a slice of stale bread with a glass of red table wine.) Well, People Magazine just jumped into their tractor and dug a bigger hole in VaJohnny's grave, because they say on their cover this week that the love between Vanessa and Johnny is flatlining.

People's sources say that Vanessa, Johnny and and their two chirruns used to live a simple family life in a small town in the South of France. You know, they'd skip around in berets all day and then spend their evenings baking baguettes on the wood burning fireplace in their 18th century chateau while reciting the works of famous French poet Pepe Le Pew. Charming shit like that. But not anymore. The family spends most of their time in L.A. now and Johnny and Vanessa are hardly ever together. People doesn't really spit any details on their website (you have to flip through it at Barnes & Noble if you want to know more), but their source says that after 14 years, it's all but done.

People Magazine is usually the voice of the publicist, so when they go rogue, it has to be true. This doesn't really leave me with the sads inside. The bar on Hollywood relationships is so low that Lucifer is using it as a butt dildo, so 14 years is FOREVER in Hollywood years. It does kind of suck, though, that the image of Johnny sticking his tip into Vanessa's ultra wide teeth gap is no longer relevant. Vanessa's nights are so not going to be the same without hearing Johnny give her that dirty talk like, "Tell me you want me to finger that gap, pute!"

After 18 long months (that's three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more.

People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, "Faticunt City"). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other's faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn't want to pay spousal support and says that "irreconcilable differences" is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it.

I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts don't take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. NEWS FLASH! Nobody takes the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. That's why the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage. But really, I'm sure Mena and Simone tried to really make it work. You try sleeping next to a woman whose satellite head spits out the sound of static all night, because aliens from another universe are trying to send signals to it. Besides, how can Mena compete with JLo who is paying Simone (JLo knows him as "Casper") $10,000 to be her kept bitch?

Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen.

The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe

The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

In other words, bitch got too old for Fez.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's 14 year long relationship has lived through a movie shoot with St. Angie Jolie, dick wandering rumors and his various degrees of hotness, so every whore expected them to last forever. Well, I guess forever in Hollywood years is 14, because Radar is putting all their chips on Vanessa and Johnny joining the Another One Bites A Dust Club of 2012. Their source is trying to say that the love between VaJohnny is slipping away the same way a ho does when they walk behind Johnny as he shakes out the greasy mop of oily locks on his head.

The source's story is that Vanessa and Johnny are verbally brawling all the time and he's pretty much over it. The source puts it like this: "Johnny isn't handling anything well right now. People around him are worried about how Johnny is doing because he and Vanessa seem so fractured right now. Their relationship is heading toward the end. Johnny has started reaching out to lawyers, probably to quietly discuss how to get out of the relationship. They're not married but they've been together for years and have kids together so it isn't as easy as just breaking up."

Johnny is a drunk doucheweasel sometimes (who isn't?) and his mouth diarrheas up the stupid on a regular basis (whose mouth doesn't?), but I'm still going to snort all of this up with a grain of salt. Like I said above, Johnny's relationship survived through the home-killing tornado that whirls out of St. Angie's hypnotic vagina. If Johnny and Vanessa can survive that, they can survive anything. So yeah, VaJohnny is going to last till the end of eternity. Oh wait. I think I'm getting Johnny's true loves mixed up again. What I really meant to type is that Johnny and Tim Burton's love is going to last till the end of eternity. There, that's better.

Yes, two years ago and we're barely hearing about it now. Why didn't they tell us? Why didn't they sit us all down at the table in the kitchen and pour us a cup of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows before telling us that love is not a thing that lasts forever?! How could we not know? If we stalked Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard the same way we stalk those evil whores the Kuntrashians (or maybe, it's the Kuntrashians who stalk society, yeah that's it...), we wouldn't known this years ago. I blame us! But yeah, People brings us the news that made ever cherub stab themselves in the heart with their own arrow.

Actress Jessica Lange and her longtime partner, playwright and actor Sam Shepard, ended their relationship almost two years ago, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

The couple, who have been together since 1982, have two children, Hannah and Samuel, together.

"They both are pursuing independent lives," says a source.

Lange, 62, who stars as Constance in FX's hit series, American Horror Story, was just nominated for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild award.

If their love would've died inside of the house, then we all could've been together forever and ever!!!! (If you don't watch American Horror Story, then what I just typed made me sound creepier than usual. )