PUPPIES!

Last night with my hot dog and fries dinner, I had an itty bitty, thimble-sized margarita that even Andy Dick wouldn't dignify with a gulp. It was offensive to alcoholics and I'm sure the margaritas at the Smurf's bar are bigger than that shit I drank last night. A flea's cum shot has more liquid than my margarita last night. You get it. Well, my dog must've switched the tequila with roofie syrup again, because this morning I feel like I should have a chalk outline around me. Not many things hurt my feelings, but getting a hangover from one margarita like I'm a teetotaling fetus is one of them. Just shameful and embarrassing to admit.

So that is why I WAS grateful to this precious and beautiful picture of Prince Hot Ginge looking up a pair of puppy nostrils while grabbing at his royal crotch. This fine portrait was taken at a polo match in Ascot, Berkshire yesterday afternoon.

This picture made me want to call in sad to my boss (aka YOU) and ask for the day off ("You get to call people 'dumb bitches" for a living. And you get to do it while lounging on your sofa in dirty sweats! Suckitup and get me a cup of hot roofie nectar, toots!" - You) so that I could bring up this picture on my iPhone and cuddle with it under the covers. I was all ready to do this, but then as I kept going through the pictures I came across one that turned my "awwww" into an "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Now I know what kind of emotions went through Alicia Silverstone when she watched Cary Elwes get affectionate with his girlfriend in The Crush. That Sienna Miller of puppies is basically daring me to lock it in a dark room with a bunch of bees.

Charlize Theron was there and you don't see her throwing me a "BITCH I GOT YOUR GINGE" look! Who knew that a heartless homewrecker could be so adorable? Let me take a sip of your hot roofie syrup, because my chalk outline needs another coat

And I'm pretty sure that gigantic dog shat out that little dog over there! That little dog has the kind of confusing look on his face that most little dogs make when they fall out of the asses of a gigantic dog. But oh, how I love some gigantic dogs. Especially ones that have the posture of Bea Arthur. But look at that big ass dog. You just want to dress up as Hans Solo and play Star Wars with him (or dress him up like Lamar Odom and play Khloe & Lamar with him). You can throw on a cowboy hat, sit side saddle on his back and wave at everyone. You can seat him at a people table and feed him biscuits while pretending to play poker with him. All the things you can do with a big dog!

That being said, I'll leave walking a gigantic dog to the professionals and those with weak nostrils. You know what happens when you walk a dog. They gift you with special trinkets that will get you a ticket if you don't pick 'em up. And when a gigantic dog goes, you better wrap a Hefty bag around his ass and take 10 steps back without asking "Mother, may I?" Shit is serious.

Oh, and they tell me there's also something called a Rachel Bilson in these pictures. But who cares about her when there's a gigantic dog here!

Even battery acid couldn't rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They're adorable because: a) there's a puppy in his basket and b) he's dressed like he's about to break into an acoustic version of "Seize the Day!"

I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.

In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It's like heaven on Aniston's earth. Although, I'm not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That's a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.

SmartWater's whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I'm guessing that SmartWater couldn't afford Antoine Dodson's minimum appearance fee. I'm also guessing that the Backin' Up Backin' Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it's cut with coffee and powdered cream.

via Lainey Gossip

And that adorable dog friend's face is totally saying: "I've gotta Frontline these bitches already." Here's Gollum's second cousins happily frolicking through LAX yesterday as though the paps' cameras were daisies and they were butterflies looking to sip on sweet nectar. But no, you'd cover your troll mug too if you just returned from Middle-earth where you had to crawl through the tundra and make coats out of Hobbit scalps in order to stay warm. Besides, a camera flash is just like the shine from a silver crucifix to the Olsens. It hardens their veins and makes their souls itch.

It's not a big deal, though. Their dog is doing enough posing for all of them. That bitch is a star.

The sporting of event of the year is less than two weeks away and Animal Planet has released its starting line-up featuring hard bitches who aren't afraid to hump a trick on the field or snot on their teammate's fur. You know, just like that other less popular game.

All these damn PUPPIES!!! making PUPPY!!!! faces like they can't to tackle their PUPPY!!! opponents during the PUPPY!!! bowl. You're going to have to save up all your awwwwwws for next Sunday. You'll be awwwwing the entire time. Well, almost the entire time. You'll have to put your awwww on pause when they start sticking their noses in each other's fur holes. Whenever that goes down at the dog park, I just turn around and softly hum a Sade song to give those bitches some ambiance.

Anyway, here's a few pictures of the starting line-up. The rest are at Animal Planet.

If you opened up a big moving present this Christmas hoping to find a furry bundle of adorableness and were slightly let down (but not really) when it turned out to be a box of fully charged vibrators instead, you can live vicariously through all these people who all got a PUPPY!!! for Jesus' birfday. This video might make you softly bawl to yourself, especially if you think about all the ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper that exists on the planet. We all weep for ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper. And on that note...

Things will be extra slower than usual around these parts until next Monday, because my mom has decided to spend the holidays in NYC this year and so I have to take here around to see all that Christmas shit. And since it's icier than the inside of a toilet after a Snow Miser bowel movement, we're going to have so much fun cracking our ass bones on the snow-covered pavement while trying to take a picture of a stupid giant Christmas tree you can see from the comfort of your own browser. If only Swiss Miss made hot chocolate packets with extra Valium marshmallows.

via Gawker TV

That is the terrified face of a dog who knows he's only hours away from being chained up to a wooden slab under a lightning-filled sky so that the Olsens and their fellow vampire trolls can repeatedly chant "You got it dood" in between nibbling and spitting out pieces of his soul (never swallow...even souls have calories) to make themselves STRONGER!

Before boarding a flight to Voldemort's castle, Ashley Olsen, who weighs about as much as Kimmy Gibler's scrunchie, summoned the dark evil powers within to give her the strength to carry a fat dog through LAX last night. Hopefully, the poor dog was able to get away when Ashley got into a fight with a TSA officer over a vial of blood they wouldn't let her bring onto the plane. Waddle, doggy, waddle!!!!

Central Park is no stranger to hosting junked out meth faces with bulging "wheresmynextfixwheresmynextfix" eyes, greasy hair and thirstay lips, so it warmly welcomed Boo Boo the Chihuahua into its field this afternoon.

According to Guinness Book of World Records, Boo Boo is the world's smallest dog! Boo Boo is 4 inches tall, 6.5 inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds. This isn't official, but I'm sure Boo Boo is also the world's smallest crackhead! I mean, why is she giving me a look like she'll follow me all the way home unless I give her a dollar or my watch. And I totally would. I bet Boo Boo smokes the tiniest crack rock on the tiniest doll spoon. That's kind of adorable, actually.

NO! Boo Boo is not the Pete Doherty of toy Chihuahuas. Boo Boo is just scared as hell. If a baby butterfly could take you in a street fight and a human fart could send you flying into the next dimension, you too would be frightened as all fuck. But Boo Boo really has no reason to be terrified, though. The wings on her gorgeous owner's hair will protect her now and for all time.

Here's more of the dog who is smaller than some dicks promoting the new Guinness Book of World Records 2011 in NYC today. The world's tallest dog (at 3 feet 5 inches) Giant George was also there! George is looking at Boo Boo like: "My nutsack is bigger than you."

This picture of Prince Hot Ginge with an adorable puppy friend at the Canine Partners Training Centre is making my body grow a fallopian tube and ovaries (keep your "TOO LATE" comment in your finger tips). This is like Where the Red Fern Grows with a happy ending.

Every now and again a picture come along that is so perfect that you just want to print out a million copies and throw it through the streets. It's not considered littering, because this is a gift from nature! Shit, I think I'll replace all the flowers in the park with this beautiful shit. I'll climb trees and tell the baby birds to the flap the fuck away so I can stick this picture in their nest. Who needs flowers, sunshine and chirping birds when you have a picture like this?