Gold Diggers

43-year-old David Schwimmer is getting married to 24-year-old photographer Zoe Buckman! These two crazy lovebirds met in London in 2007 while David was directing Run Fat Boy Run. This will be the first marriage for both of them.

David and Zoe have been dating for around 3 years, so you can stop trying to hand her that gold digging shovel! Besides, a trained gold digger digs with her mouth. Speaking of mouths, Zoe isn't puckering in the picture above because the money is so close she can actually taste it! No, she's puckering because pretending to suck on David Schwimmer's peen makes her happy. So there's really no need to embrace her into the Gold Diggers Club just yet!

Anyways, here's Ross' TRUE TRUE love Rachel Green looking more like Rachel Orange while doing stuff in NYC yesterday afternoon and this morning.

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

While the IRS is doing the dick slappy dance today, former sushi waitress Alice Kim is crying into her cashmere sheets. You see, Alice Kim has to watch in horror as her husband Nicolas Cage shovels massive amounts of nuggets from their giant pile of gold into a bag marked "TAXES."

TMZ reports that Nic owes the IRS around $13.3 million for unpaid back taxes for 2002-2008. And Alice was planning on buying a small town this year to house her entire collection of Louis Vuitton bags. Now Alice will have to keep all her goods in a Public Storage!!! This is not her life.

Nicolas blames it all on his money manager Sam Levin. According to Nic, he would've been better off hiring Trouble Helmsley or an obese hamster with cataracts to do his taxes. But Sam Levin blames it on Nic's overspending. In 2008, Nicolas had 15 mansions, a jet, four yachts and enough jooree to make DeShawn Snow's lock jaw drop (that's a lot of jooree).

Nic issued this statement about his money troubles: "Over the course of my career I have paid at least $70 million in taxes. Unfortunately, due to a recent legal situation, another approximate $14 million is owed to the IRS, however, I am under new business management and am happy to say that I am current for 2009. All taxes will be paid including any to be determined state taxes."

New Business Management = H&R Block.

Ivana Trump split from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi (pronounced: Just Hittin' That Prune Poon For the Cash) last year, but she barely filed for divorce from him yesterday in NYC. Ivana and Rossano dated for six years before making it legal in 2008. They quit each other a few months later after Rossano was caught licking on a vagina not belonging to Ivana while he filmed Celebrity Survivor in Italy. Although, Ivana claims that distance killed the marriage, not another snatch.

Ivana said this shit to Page Six: "Rossano has been living and working in Italy for most of the last two years. Given my extensive business interests around the globe, it has become increasingly difficult for us to find time together . . . With sadness . . . I say it is time to move on . . . I wish Rossano well!"

Extensive business interests around the globe?!!!! File that one away for use at a later date. Seriously, the next time you want to send your full-time fuck partner to the recycle bin, just tell them that it's not going to work out "given your extensive business interests around the globe." Basically, that just means you want to sample different kinds of international peen before settling down with just one.

And put on your slickers, because Peta is going to flour bomb that picture in 3..2..

If nothing gives you a soul boner like a wallet full of money, then grab a Kleenex and keep the lube close, because this is truly beautiful news that'll make you weep tears of joy from your eye holes to your genitals! Brynne Gordon, the delicate CA flower who wowed the world with her refined tastes, married a giant leathery bag of cash in a truly elegant wedding in Australia yesterday. Even IN THIS ECONOMY, gold diggers continue to triumph! Inspiring.

In front of more than 500 guests. 26-year-old (in Lohan years) Brynne promised 66-year-old Australian multi-millionaire Geoffrey Edelsten that she will be with him "til bankruptcy does them part."

The wedding will go down in history as one of the most expensive in Australia. The total cost was around $3 million. Brynne wore $500,000 in diamonds and arrived in a helicopter. Fran Drescher and Jason Alexander were paid to host the reception. You know, because nothing makes crystal sparkle like The Nanny and George Costanza. At first, Brynne wanted one of her idols, Kelly Bundy, to host the event, but she's going to save her for the divorce party.

Congratulations to the happy couple! And condolences to Geoffrey's checking account, because Brynne is going to tear that bitch up!

Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.

The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:

"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"

Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.

Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.

Who says that almost losing your finger every time you stick it in Vadge's Venus Fly Snatch doesn't pay off?! The Sun says that Madonna wants her child near her at all times, but she isn't ready to set up a nursery for him in her house, so she's buying him a shiny new crib of his very own! Apparently, Vadge has sent out her real estate slaves to find her kept child an apartment within walking distance to her own cougar den on the Upper East Side in Manhattan.

Some source who seems to know all about the situation said, "She's told them to spend no more than £1.7million and the pad has to be within walking distance of her townhouse. She is financing everything but Jesus will own it once it's found and bought. She really wasn't kidding when she told him he'll never have to worry about money from now on."

Baby Jesus' dick really does do miracles, because he's managed to turn Vadge's lady jizz into cash! We all have to start respecting Baby Jesus as one of the major players in the gold digging game.

At last night's after-party for Good Hair in NYC, CoCo and fellow rapper fucker Amber Rose popped their triple-platinum asses out in unison making everyone's nalgas in the room immediately deflate. There's really only so much ass one room can take!

I'm not really sure what's going on in these pictures. I think we might be witnessing CoCo bust an orgasm while rubbing up against Rosebot. CoCo's camel toe o'plenty probably hit the ground and jumped back up into her crotch area. I need a cigarette.

On the reunion show for The Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen Rossi said that her rich sugar pepaw didn't leave her trillions of dollars when he went off to heaven. Well, TMZ says that Gretchen's dead fiance, Jeff Beitzel, left her around $2.5 million.

Apparently, Jeff's ex-wives (he has a clan of them) are shaking their fists and farting at Gretchen's direction, because they are not happy she got so much money.

Gretchen wants everyone to know that she loved loved loved Jeff and is disgusted that hating bitches think she was with him only because he kept her slathered in diamonds. Because of this, Gretchen is donating all of the money to charity. SIKE! Bitch is keeping that cash!

But you know, Gretchen deserves it, because she put her career (HA!!) on hold to take care of Jeff. And by "take care of Jeff," I mean call him every other day while she was partying in Lake Havasu and shaking her Tupperware tittays in Las Vegas. We should raise our glasses of Sanka and Red Bull to Gretchen, because she truly is the Florence Nightingale of gold diggers.

And here's some pictures from last month of Gretchen still mourning the loss of her fiance by frolicking on the beach with a used laxative who goes by the name of Slade Smiley.

P.S. - Now that Gretchen is a millionaire, maybe she can give Tamra a loan!

Here's Jude Law's baby momma of the month, Samantha Burke, in an exclusive pregnant bikini spread for Photobucket. Hey, what else is she supposed to do when even The Globe won't take her calls and someone keeps flagging her Craigslist "LOOK AT ME" ad? A famewhore has to whore herself out any way she can!

TMZ somehow came across (*cough*SamBu sent them the link*cough*) a Photobucket account containing a bunch of pictures of Samantha documenting the growth of her money fetus while wearing sessy bikinis and lingerie. Bitch is working that bump like she really wants to make it into your MySpace Top 8! You can tell she's a pro. Look at how she's posing with that window shade cord! Chicken Cutlets has some competition!