Gold Diggers

Above is the official wedding announcement of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris that will hit newsstands on Friday even though she hit the kill switch on their wedding. The staff at the Playboy Mansion will have to keep several freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh's bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias while staring at his pant-less ex-bride on the cover of his magazine. The cover needed to come out, though.

You now know why Crystal's dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal's chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don't have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.

In other failed digger news, Crystal told Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM show this morning that contrary to Hef's Twitter tears, he didn't really want to get married again. Hef was only marrying Crystal because he thought that's what she wanted and he's relieved he won't be a husband again. Crystal says she realized the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally (served inside of a sarcasm empanada), Crystal's new single came out the same day as the news of her break-up with Hef.

Crystal is definitely a failed gold digger but I can't accuse her of being a failed stunt queen. What all of us saw as true love was nothing but a publicity stunt to her. Bitch gave herself away by saying that she can't hang with the Playboy lifestyle. When you meet your known whore husband during a barely legal orgy, you know what you're getting yourself into.

And I don't believe that Hef won't get married again. I'm sure he's already visited a local nursery to put a few future brides on hold just in case he makes it to 103.

Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner's taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn't bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.

TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?

Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she'll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that's where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly...

She's probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly's hoping that Hef won't notice, which he won't. Now that's how a real gold digger does it!

Paul McCartney's savings account is still raw from Heather Mill's butt fucking millions of coins out of it and now it has a new reason to cry while searching Google for reputable anal reconstructive surgeons. As you know, Paul McCartney is going to make New Jersey businesswoman Nancy Shevell his third wife and he's going to do so without protecting his savings accounts with a butt plug in the form of a prenup. The Gold Digger Gazette has just found its sexiest man of every year.

A source tells Popeater that Sir Paul's lawyers have put together a single-page document stating that Nancy won't go after his fortune if they divorce, but there will be no prenup. Nancy is no Heather Mills and she not only has her own money, but her family's bidet shoots out liquid gold (basically, they're rich). The source goes on, "There's no need to make marriage a business arrangement. They are the perfect couple. And have both had a huge impact on each other. She has once again shown him that falling in love doesn't have to hurt. This one will last forever. She is the opposite of Heather and hates the public spotlight, plus she doesn't need his money to live a great life."

Sir Paul obviously doesn't know that the only thing better than having a lot of money is having even more fucking money! Maybe Sir Paul's naive optimism will work in his favor this time around (SPOILER ALERT: it won't). But if Sir Paul's future third marriage does find itself in a divorce casket, Nancy better go into hiding right away. Do not put it past Heather Mills to make a skin suit out of Nancy and assume her identity so she can collect a second divorce settlement from Paul. Heather Mill's glorious gold digging ways know no bounds. Paul's lawyers better make Nancy hop on her left leg before she collects her divorce settlement. Shit, Heather Mills can do that too, right?

You know that politics give me nipple calluses, so I've been pretty much "whatever" about Donald Trump's need to see President Obama's birth certificate even though we haven't seen Trump's natural complexion or hairline in centuries. However, now I'm feeling the opposite of "whatever" (but I'll go back to feeling "whatever" after this post until Melania speaks again) because Melania Trump, the most glamorous woman named Melania Trump, has spoken out about the birth certificate issue, and guess what?! Melania is siding with the sugar pappy husband who keeps her skin slathered in liquid gold! TWIST!

While peddling her jewelry line for QVC (too. perfect.) on Joy Behar's CNN show, Melania said that her husband has a "genius' mind" and would make an excellent president. Joy then brought up the birth certificate issue and made a few points, but Melania pretty much repeated the same phrase I shout at men I've just met: SHOW IT!!!! Clip below:

I could watch the 2:26 mark on a loop all the way through Easter.

The sun is shining outside for me, which can only mean one thing: Anna Nicole Smith is smiling down from heaven after finding out that 24-year-old Crystal Harris is keeping her gold digging legacy alive by marrying an old bitch without a padlock around his $43 million fortune! Yup, Crystal isn't warming her hands in the picture above because Hef hates it when she massages Bengay on his ass cheeks with cold hands. Crystal is doing the gold digger prayer and it worked!

In a couple of months, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner will mumble out an "I Do" to Crystal Harris before shuffling off to his corner to eat a can of weddin' puddin' and slowly falling into a temporary drool coma as his third wife toasts to her new position as the highest-paid nurse ever!

TMZ says that Hef still believes that true love is a real thing so he's not going to ask Crystal to compromise her gold digging beliefs by signing away millions upon millions of dollars.

Hef is at the age where he just doesn't give a fuck! Give him a pair of silky pajamas, a few Viagras stuffed in caramel squares, a conveyor belt full of barely legal titties and he's happy!

Meanwhile, you know that unlucky sad dude from Albany who is putting on a fake smile as he watches his co-workers walk away with the $319 Mega Millions jackpot? Yeah, Holly Madison feels his pain right about now.

As the wax covered porcelain dragon Camille Grammer sit on the floor of her dungeon counting all the millions that Kelsey Grammer passed to her side of the table two weeks ago, he made his checking account weep some more by marrying 29-year-old Kayte Walsh without a prenup in NYC today. The bride wore ivory, the groom wore foolery and the groom's business manager wore a "...the fuck is he doing?" look during the entire ceremony.

People reports that Kelsey made Kayte his fourth wife at the Longacre Theater, where he did La Cage aux Folles for a year. Kayte was escorted down the theater aisle by a gigantic shovel and an even bigger wheelbarrow. Afterward, Kayte, Kelsey and their guests headed to the Plaza Hotel for the reception. No word if the guests nibbled on tossed salad or scrambled eggs.

Kelsey's spokeswhore confirms this mess:

"Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh were married today at a private ceremony for family and friends."

Yes, Kelsey looks like a nervous father who is about to caca in his chonies before escorting his older-looking teen daughter into her debutante ball, but who cares! And yes, Kelsey's addiction to marriage is eventually going to leave him with nothing but what's on that curb, but it's his wallet that's bawling like my no-no on a Saturday night. Not ours. Camille got hers, so I'm good.

Here's Kelsey Grammer and his future divorce court opponent Kayte Walsh having a private Cacablanca Casablanca moment in the middle of JFK airport yesterday. Kaye's crossed arms might be saying "meh," but her lips are definitely saying... You know, they're saying "meh" too. I mean, this is the problem with some gold diggers nowadays. They are lazy and don't want to put in the work! The silicone flower Camille Grammer would've never let this happen. Camille permanently had her dollar sign goggles on so that she would always kiss Kelsey as though he was a gigantic bar of gold.

But Kayte isn't even trying to muster out a single drop of simulated passion. Kayte has her lips sealed shut as though Kelsey's face is the asshole of an antelope suffering from chronic diarrhea. This is the man she's going to spend a couple of years with before collecting a 7-figure check in a divorce settlement and she's acting like she's at the dentist at 8 in the morning. Although, maybe Kayte deserves half a bow since Kelsey isn't making her sign a prenup. Ho is still going to get paid without even trying. Okay, I'll give her a full bow.

If the name Sophie Monk is making you "HUH WHO HUH?" like my dad whenever I've called him on the phone, all you need to know is that she wanders the streets of L.A., or wherever, looking for a camera to pose for. Before that, Sophie was a sort of pop star in Australia, was engaged to Benji Madden and starred in my favorite movie of 2009 Spring Breakdown. But Sophie no longer has to hit the ho stroll hoping that a condo payment pops out of a pap's flash bulb, because her shovel has hit gold! 31-year-old Sophie announced to Australia's 2Day FM that her 50-year-old business man boyfriend, Ceiling Eyes' granpappy Jimmy Esebag , put a shiny engagement ring on her finger. The details from People:

"I got engaged! It feels right. I think you know when you know."

Her new fiancé, 50, is the chairman of United Licensing Group, which owns the rights to the Playboy brand, and is also involved with Elite Modeling Agency, according to The Sydney Morning Herald.

Monk, 31, revealed on the radio that Esebag is of French origin and that the pair were friends for some time before getting engaged.

Sophie has the complexion of frozen pizza dough still wrapped in its plastic and Jimmy has the complexion of pizza dough that has been left in the broiler too long causing a black cloud to waft out of the oven and make the smoke detector scream, so that tells me that these two are meant to be! Or maybe it tells me that I'm hungry for pizza dough.

Kelsey Grammer has something to say about the rumor that he's trying to light a BIC under divorce's asshole so that it can get moving and legally remove Camille Grammer from his everything. The rumor also claims that the second he signs his divorce papers from Camille, he wants to use the same pen to sign his marriage certificate to his new blonde piece Kayte Walsh. Kelsey tells People that the rumors are pretty much true and he's marrying Kayte, because he looooooves her. And here we were thinking that the thumping coming from Kelsey's body was just his Viagra-fed dick bouncing for new fresh meat, but it was actually his heart beating out love's name. Aw. This is what Kelsey said:

"Kayte and I are marrying because we are engaged, and we are engaged because we are in love and see no reason to postpone our happiness any longer. We are planning something we wish to be a private affair among several of our friends. Anything else is conjecture and false. Kayte and I are the only reliable source for this story. End of story."

My allegiance will always belong to Camille and her precious face which looks like a sculpture of Mushu the Dragon molded from a mound of Silly Putty by an artist with two left hands, but DAMN that Kayte is the Apolo Ohno of gold diggers. In a year's time, Kelsey met Kayte, dropped Camille for her and is now trying to speed up his divorce so he can marry her as soon as fucking possible. As the poet of our time Calvin Tran once said: "Oh, now the new ballgame has just drop-it." Yes, Kayte has definitely dropped a new speed gold digging game on our asses and she knows it. If that isn't a "U MAD?" face Kayte is making in that picture above, then I don't know what is anymore.

Kelsey Grammer wants to drop a speed ball into his divorce from silicone orchid Camille Grammer and legally remove her from his life as soon as possible, so that he can be free to marry his girlfriend Kayte Walsh. TMZ says that the financial settlement between Kelsey and Camille hasn't been worked out yet, but he still wants a judge to declare him divorced before they figure out the money shit. California law states that Kelsey and Camille's divorce can be final on January 1st, six months after she filed. If a judge agrees to take a cutter to Kelsey's wedding ring on the first of the year, then he's going to put on a fresh one from Kayte as soon as possible. Somebody grab the shovel trophy out of Camille's claws and hand it to Kayte, because the trick ho is good. Or maybe not...

TMZ also says that since Camille and Kelsey don't have a prenup in place, she's pretty much guaranteed 50% of the cash they made together during their 13-year marriage. Thanks to a bunch of real estate moves (orchestrated by Camille, of course), they made around $100 million in 13 years. That means Camille will stuff a $50 million check between her al dente plastic titty balls.

Kelsey better fill Camille's wheelbarrow with anything and everything she asks for, or else she'll use her hypnotic Club MTV moves to lure him into an empty dining room before locking the door and leaving him with this:

Yup, the bitterness left in your mouth from losing $50 million tastes a lot better than cunthol-scented e-cigarette smoke.