Gordon Ramsay

When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves' sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, "Oh, it's Eva by Eva Longoria"? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva's mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.

And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.

Here's more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve 'em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he's clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

If Matt Roloff's face was chiseled on to Mount Rushmore, it would look just like Gordon Ramsay's mug. For some reason, Simon Cowell had an issue with that and advised Gordon to get his crevices filled. Yes, Gordon took plastic surgery advice from Simon Cowell. However, Simon's juicy fur tits are pretty hypnotizing, so I'd probably listen to him too.

42-year-old (in humans year) Gordon told The Radio Times (via The Daily Mail), "Simon Cowell suggested that now I'm a success in America, I should do something, so I had a filler put under the deep crevices. It hurt. My mother said they were smile lines. I could deal with that at 21, but not at 42."

SMILE LINES?! I'm sure that if Gordon Ramsay ever made a smiley face, they would cover it in world history class. Gordon cracking a smile is physically impossible.

While I understand that Gordon doesn't want the chin of a hemorrhoid anymore, it does concern me a little. I mean, is Gordon still going to be able to open his mouth wide enough to perfectly shout gems like, "YOU BLOODY DUMB FUCKING COW" or "YOU MOTHERCUNT FUCKING DOG SHIT ASSHOLE"? Because Gordon can't let vanity get in the way of him sharing his poetry with the world.

If Gordon Ramsay ever called me a "stupid dumb donkey pig cunt" in person, my ears would probably have an orgasm. Hell's Kitchen is like porn to my ears. But some think Gordon might have jumped way over the line recently and now a women's group is calling for his head on a platter with a rotten apple stuffed in it!

Over the weekend at a food show in Melbourne, Gordon tore into Australian journalist Tracy Grimshaw. Gordon told the crowd, "We were secret lovers for 20 years. No, I didn’t go there and I didn’t go down. I didn’t stoop that low for God’s sake." Gordon sprinkled more love all over Tracy by calling her an "old ugly lesbian pig." When the audience gasped, Gordon said, "What? I'm not saying she's a dyke." Gordon didn't stop there and hit the gas pedal by showing a picture of a nekkid woman with a pig face on her knees. Gordon described the picture for the audience, "That's Tracy Grimshaw ... holy crap. I had an interview with her yesterday. She needs to see Simon Cowell's Botox doctor."

Most of the audience told the Herald Sun that they found Gordon's rant "disgusting" and "totally sexist." Gordon's spokeswhore said he was only having a laugh and he has a great relationship with Tracy. Tracy doesn't think so. She went on her show tonight in Australia and said she has no idea why Gordon fucked her with a chainsaw like that.

Tracy said, "Gordon Ramsay made me promise not to ask on Friday about his private life. He then got on stage on Saturday and made some very clear and uninformed insinuations about mine. Obvious Gordon thinks that any woman who doesn't find him attractive must be gay. For the record, I don't. And I am not. Gordon Ramsay has always had fair and generous treatment on this program but despite what his publicist said in damage control, we do not have a great relationship. We do not have a relationship at all. I was absolutely miserable when I found out late Saturday afternoon. He says it's a joke. Well, not to me or anyone who cares about me. Truly, I wonder how many people would laugh if they were effectively described as an old, ugly pig. But we all know that bullies thrive when no-one takes them on, and I'm not going to sit meekly and let some arrogant narcissist bully me."

My guess is that Gordon asked to tickle Tracy's nether regions after their interview and she shut him down. So he got revenge! But what I want to know is if Gordy has ever looked into a mirror? I mean, telling someone they need botox when he looks like a Shar-Pei's ass just out of the dryer! Even all the grout and spackle in the land couldn't fill those deep rivers in his face.

Gordon Ramsay has been cheating on his wife for seven years with a professional mistress. No, the professional mistress is not Sienna Miller. The News of the World claims Gordy has been fucking around with Susan Powter look-alike Sarah Symonds, author of "Having an Affair? A Handbook for Other Women." Sienna is seriously slapping herself in the vag lips for not writing that book first.

Gordy and Sarah started doing each other on the down low in 2001, but lately they've been going at it often. Just this past Thursday, they apparently met up at the Marriott in London and Sarah brought poppers! A source said, “Sarah said Gordon had specifically asked her to go to Soho and get him some poppers for their romp. He likes the buzz.”

Poppers?! It sounds like Gordy likes to get his rump roast stuffed. That shit would make so much sense. The controlling angry ones always like to be dominated and shit. I bet his peen holes puckers when she whips his sphincter and calls him a "stupid donkey." Shit, he probably gets all his material for "Hell's Kitchen" from her.

Gordon has been married to his wife Tana for 12 years. They have 4 kids together. He was recently named Celebrity Father of the Year and his family was named Celebrity Family of the Year. Gordon's spokeswhore only had this comment: "There is no comment to make at all."

I guess if you're going to fuck illegally, you might as well do it with a professional. I just don't know how Gordon finds the time. The bitch has four kids, a wife, a million tv shows, a bunch of restaurants and he's getting butt rammed by Susan Powter's long-lost twin? No wonder his mug looks like it's been hit by an 8.0 earthquake. The bitch is spent.

Gordon probably won't be named Celebrity Father of the Year in 2009, but he's a fucking shoo-in for Celebrity Popperhead of the Year!