Yeah Okay

Usher had to cancel all his Grammy plans and bust on over to Brazil, because his wife Tameka Foster suffered from major complications in surgery. A brain doctor even had to travel from California to South America to tend to her ass. It was reported that Tameka was getting a little face or body work done. The plastic kind. But Usher's spokeswhore issued a statement and called it "routine surgery." The full statement to People said: : "Tameka Raymond is in stable condition after suffering complications from routine surgery in Brazil. Her husband Usher is with her at the hospital. No further details will be released, and the family requests privacy at this difficult time."

Okay, I know in Hollyweird, plastic surgery is routine, but it's not for most of the world, so let's just call it what it is. Homegirl went down there to get tucked on the sly and now everyone knows about it. That's got to be a bitch!

Okay, who guessed that Peaches Geldof's marriage would only last a long six months? I was out of the divorce pool after their 1-day anniversary. I figured it would be one of those 24-hour bugs. Well, if you guessed six months, then reward yourself by getting obliterated and marrying a stranger! Don't worry, you can divorce them in the morning. Getting hitched and then getting divorced a quick minute later is fun! It's the world's pastime.

So, yeah, 19-year-old Rotten Peaches and 24-year-old Max Drummey announced their marriage is done DONE done after only six months. The hipster twats with faces like popped pimples married last August in Las Vegas after only knowing each other a month.

They issued this ridiculous statement to the BBC. Actually, just roll your eyes a hundred times and pretend you read it. Okay, here it is anyway: "After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends."

Damn, their "soul searching" expedition probably lasted a hot second. They both realized they don't have any souls to search. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure they tried they hardest to make it work. He wrote her a touching ballad about how much he loved her gold American Apparel leggings or something like that. It still wasn't enough.

Claire Danes, aka forever Angela Chase to me, is promised to be married to a British actor-type named Hugh Dancy. Hugh is in that Shopaholic movie and was also in the greatest cinematic experience of 2006: Basic Instinct 2. I would marry the bitch for that fact alone.

Well, in case you haven't fallen asleep you at this ultra exciting news, let me tell you that Claire's spokeswhore confirmed the shit to People. 29-year-old Claire and 33-year-old Hugh began slapping each other's private areas a little over a year ago. Wouldn't it be a bitch if homegirl was knocked up and Hugh left her ass for Mary Louise-Parker midway through that shit? Passing the homewrecker baton!

A few summers ago, I saw Angela Chase walking down the street with an umbrella and a half-full Trader Joe's paper bag. That's it. Nothing else happened. Since this post is about her skinny ass, I figured I'd throw in that "who cares" fact. Everyone does that shit to me! The other night, a friend said to me, "I saw Rita Wilson the other day." I responded, "Was the bitch's tits on fire, because why should I care?" And I wonder why I have no friends that actually like me.

Anyway, congrats to these two! Don't let the engagement ring get too settled, because I'm sure that shit is going to come off in a few months. I'm getting major "this ain't gonna last" vibes from these two dehydrated turnips.

Christian Bale phoned in an "I'm so sowwy" to L.A.'s Kevin & Bean show on KROQ this morning and gave a long ass explanation as to why he went on a fuck-filled freak out. Christian said it's been a miserable week ever since the tape hit. Miserable? Well, it's been a non-stop fuck party for all of us! We danced to the remix! We cheered him when he went fucking ballistic on Bill O'Reilly. It's been a week full of FUCKS which means it was a fantastic fucking week.

Christian said he was completely out of line and isn't making any excuses for that shit. Christian went on to say, "I'm embarrassed by it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves, have they ever had a bad day and have they ever lost their temper and really regretted it immensely. Feel free to make fun of me at my expense; I deserve it completely." Christian also said that he kissed and made up with his personal punching bag aka the DP. They worked it out that day and never had a problem again.

You know, Christian's apology was actually kind of genuine. I didn't roll my eyes once! I started to, but then I got sidetracked picturing Christian naked. This made me crave a raw hot dog, so I got up to get one. When I came back I completely forgot to complete the eye roll!

And honestly, I hope that's not the last of Christian's rants. I want a fucking sequel! In the next one he needs to drop the cunt word more, though. That's the only thing the first one was missing.

Click here to listen to Christian's full apology.

VIA TMZ

It's officially official. The Vagisil will be a-flowin' and the Estroven will be a-poppin' for the sequel to that movie about parched pussies trolling around in NYC. Michael Patrick King confirmed it all to E!'s Marc Malkin (via People), "I'm very excited to work with these amazing actresses again and would love to give everyone more information about the sequel...but I'm busy with my 'Sex' life."

Everyone will be back for more menopausal hijinks and shooting is expected to start this Summer with the vagina-exploding madness hitting theaters in 2010.

At this point, they should just replace all of them with Charlotte Rae, Bea Arthur, Sally Struthers and Katherine Helmond. They will work for confederate dollars and be a million times more entertaining. Not to mention sexier. Well, they can keep Mrs. Rojo Caliente. Power tools don't come cheap and Rojo can't live without hers!

Seriously, are these bitches going to wear Patricia Field designed diapers and sip their Metamuciltinis through a straw or a damn no-drip cup?! They might as well just call this shit Golden Girls: The Movie, because that's what they are becoming. But without the magic and cheesecake.

P.S. - I used this old ass picture from 1996, because this is how I'd like to remember Cynthia Nixon forever. I bet you her hair in that picture is what Rojo Caliente's oyster shrub looks like. Swooooon.

The world's #1 hillbilly prostitot, Miley Cyrus, has finally responded to that picture of her making "ching chong" face while the lone Asian makes "I'm Miley Cyrus high on moonshine" face. Miley thinks we all have chitterlings for brains, because she says she was just making a "goofy" face. You heard it directly from the trailer trash pony's mouth. Asians have goofy faces!

Miley wrote on her blog:

"I've also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, I'm sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new 'BAD GIRL'!

I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way! You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like I've owned up to them and apologized."

Miley, we're not one of your broken condom cousins. When everyone in the room is making "Me Chinese, Me Play Joke" eyes in front an Asian, we know it's not just a "goofy face."

All Miley had to say what "I'm just being Miley," which to all of us means "I'm just a dumb bitch!" We would have understood. Dumb bitches just can't help it.

Don't these people look so happy? They are smiling and cheery-like. Well, you know they are straight-up weeping inside, or at least their genitals are. That's because they are part of the Passion for Chris Movement ,which I guess, involves wearing a t-shirt denouncing your love for conquering your clit or buttering your corn.

If the Ex-Masturbator t-shirt isn't for you, they have many others to choose from like Ex-Fornicator (NEVER!), Ex-Homosexual (ILLEGAL!), Ex-Diva (A Diva is another for a hustler) and Ex-Slave (?). Ex-Slave? Damn! Is there an Ex-Dom t-shirt to go with that? Those Christians are freakier than I thought. Beating each other in between bible study and shit. See a therapist after you finish lying to yourself.

In Michael K talk "Ex-Masturbator" and "Ex-Fornicator" translate into: "Current Fucking Liar!" Who can just stop masturbating? Once you start, there's no going back. That's where your hands always belong if they're not on another dick of snatch! Jacking it is one of the first lifelong skills you learn. It's the only skill you need really. You can do it anywhere, anytime. In fact, most of us are probably doing it right now. You can even do it with a friend. It brings people together and God loves that. Wait. Maybe that's what they mean? Maybe they mean they are masturbating their exes? That would make sense.

I went to order a few of these, but for some reason they didn't have the option to order without the "EX" part. I was looking for one that said "Homosexual," "Fornicator" or "Masturbator."

And I really love crazy Christians, because without them, we wouldn't have fucked up shit like that.

VIA Gawker

At last night's Knicks game in NYC, Chuck Bass and that Vanessa bitch from Gossip Girlfriends (as my mom calls it) continued the fakery by "kissing" in the audience while they were probably on the damn Jumbotron. Chucks Bass' powers of imagination are obviously stronger than Vanessa's. He's kissing on her like she's Chace Crawford's freshly shaved and perfumed asshole. And Vanessa isn't even trying. Chuck Bass is trying to give your lips a rim job! She could at least pucker up like she's got a dick and fucking try. She's getting paid for it!

I'm totally getting a "Level 1 Stepford Katie" vibe from that Vanessa bitch. She's not a full-grown beard yet. She's like a goatee.

And I have a really important question for everyone. Why the fuck is Cheech Fucking Marin sitting behind these two twats?! He's the better half of Cheech & Chong. Pepaw should be in the front.

A baked beans museum has opened in Port Talbot, South Wales! No, that's not Benji Madden with a mystic tan. It's Captain Beany and he has turned a room in his house into the first ever museum dedicated to the tiny fart makers. We should all quit this bitch and move to South Wales to open up a TUMS museum next to that shit. Or maybe an UnderEZ museum.

For the record, I can only eat baked beans over a hot dog and covered with melted cheese. But that's the only way I can eat most things.

Enough with this Jason Bourne vs. James Bond shit! The minute Jason Bourne gets into some tight panties and shows us the fucking goods the way Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale, I'll consider moving over to Team Bourne. But in the meantime, I'm sticking with Bond. If Matt Damon thinks I'm a caca person, then he would be right. But not because I love Bond.

You see, Matt thinks James Bond is really gross. He told the Miami Herald (via UsWeekly), "They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films. Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He's repulsive."

Paging Ben Affleck! You're needed at the nursery. Please carry Matt to his crib, stick a pacifier in his mouth hole and sing him a sweet lullaby. Just when his eyes start to close for the night, whisper in his little ear, "Honey, don't be jealous."

Seriously, who gives a fuck about all that shit? I'm not thinking about that when I'm watching Daniel Craig. I'm only thinking, "Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass. Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass..."