Yeah Okay

If all the members of Duran Duran formed a circle jerk around all of Grace Jones' album covers, their cumulative cum shot would look just like this! Here's the cover of Alien Princess RiRi's new album called Rated R.

P.S. - I always knew that RiRi was a member of the Illuminati and now this confirms it.

VIA Popeater

Full House's Jodie Sweetin has a new book out called "Unsweetined" (I guess "How Rooood" was already taken), which chronicles her road from child star to crackhouse resident. To promote the book, Jodie spent a little time with UsWeekly to basically tell them all the weird places she got fucked up at. The interview reads like a food journal for junkies! Or like the average Dlisted reader's diary entry. This is what I'm talking about:

Jodie on getting the drunk barfs at Candace Cameron's wedding:
"I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do."

Jodie on driving drunk while her baby daughter was in the car:
"That was the big rock bottom. I had two glasses of wine and drove with her in the car. I not only put myself in danger, but also my daughter, who I loved more than anything. I felt terrible."

Jodie on claiming to be sober on GMA even though she was fucked up:
"I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine."

Jodie on doing meth in the bathroom at the premiere of the Olsen Troll's movie New York Minute:
"I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn't even look strung out!"

In Jodie's defense, anybody who sat through New York Minute wishes they had given themselves a meth-enema before they watched it. And I'm guessing Kirk Cameron was at Candace's wedding, so that explains why she swallowed 2 bottles of the sweet nectar. Yes, my real name is Michael "Enabler" Kay Kae.

Word around the Internet is that David Boreanaz has been passing his fuck bone around to ladies who aren't his wife. Star Magazine is saying that David pulled a Billy Crudup by humping on the down low while his wifey was carrying their baby friend. Angel is no angel.

Apparently, David has been carrying on with the trick in the picture above whose name is Rachel Uchitel. Rachel is a NYC events planner and she met David last spring at his 40th birthday party. Their genitals immediately started dripping for each other, and they started to have an affair. For the next few months, they would bump it in either NYC or L.A. Some source said, “David would walk in the door, and they’d have sex right away. Every time I have sex with you is like the first time.”

After a while, Rachel begged David to throw his wife and two kids into the gutter so that they could be together. David promised Rachel that he would leave his wife, but we all know how that works. Rachel finally dumped David after he called her from the delivery room while his was wife was popping out their new baby. The source added, “He was on the phone with Rachel, giving updates. That grossed her out, because she felt that should have been private.”

So, let me wrap my head around this for a quick second. Rachel's skin is crawling over David giving her the details of his wife's birth, but licking his wife's dried up pregnant vagina juice off his peen doesn't gross her out? Makes sense.

However, that picture above should really gross her out. I mean, why must us slut whore skanks always pucker up like that in pictures? I always have to check myself whenever I start to pucker up like I'm a child beauty pageant contestant. It's never a good look.

The executives over at FOX obviously didn't learn anything from the shit show that was Emeril!, because they have decided to develop a half-hour comedy sitcom based on The Dog Whisperer. FOX needs a new pack leader.

Wilmer Valderrama, who is best known for dating every young vagina in Hollywood, will play the title role. Emily Kapnek, one of the executive producers of Hung, will write and direct the show. The real dog whisperer Cesar Milan will serve as one of the producers.

Wilmer probably thinks he's perfect for this, because in his mind his peen has tamed hundreds of bitches. You know he totally calls himself The Vagina Whisperer.

And Wilmer does have a lot of experience working with slobbery beasts who dry hump anything that stands since he worked with Ashton Kutcher for all those years. So, I guess this sort of makes sense (not really).

Source: Variety

At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.

Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won't be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.

Sheriff Jim said this isn't so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene's "education level is only high school ... he may be nutty, but he's not a professor." DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.

The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone's precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could've spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother's Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch's hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by "death row," I mean the guest room in the Gosselin's house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:

"Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!" - Richard Heene

VIA Jezebel

Kourtney Kardashian is the latest celebwhore to join The Bitch Got Robbed Club (along with LiLo and Ceiling Eyes). TMZ reports that the extremely pregnant Kourtney (no, unfortunately that's not just hot air) came home on Friday night to find that her Calabasas townhome was ransacked and the thieves got a hold of thousands of dollars worth of joo-ree including her boyfriend's $30,000 Cartier watch, a shit load of diamonds and a few pieces her father gave her.

Kourtney lives in a gated community, so police aren't sure how the joo-ree snatchers got in (SPOILER ALERT: They hid in Kim's ass crack).

The most valuable piece of jewelry I own is a half-eaten candy necklace from last Halloween, but if I owned a pile of shiny diamonds, I'd keep that shit under lock and key. Or I'd just keep them near a Kourtney Kardashian scarecrow that constantly babbles about her pregnant farts and how she wonders if amniotic fluid comes in scented flavors. That will keep any bitch out.

And whoever robbed Kourtney better watch out, because Khloe will pick up their scent and track them down in the dead of night! The thieves better keep a prenup and feminine hygiene spray close by.

The permanent wart on Sarah Palin's ass cheek, Levi Johnston, is getting ready to show us his trunk and berries (hopefully) on Playgirl. Levi's trainer told People that he's training for the big event by spending time in the gym and eating loads of moose meat. And no, he doesn't mean the kind of "moose meat" that is attached to a dude and spits back at you. No, he's eating actual moose meat.

Levi's trainer said, "Moose meat is very good for you, high in protein and very lean. He's an avid hunter, so he has his own. I'm not trying to give him a body builder's look. He's going to be more toned and more defined. I'd like to see him with rounder and more muscular shoulders, with a fuller chest. We're going to firm his abs up, [and give him a] smaller waist."

Um. Levi does know about a little invention called Photoshop, right? And I hope he also knows that eating moose meat isn't going to make him hung like a moose. Wait, or will it? Excuse me while I go and organize a dinner party for the dudes of NYC where I will only serve moose cake.

Blohan's first collection as "artistic adviser" of Ungaro failed to impress fashions critics (and everyone else). Basically, don't be surprised if you see that shit collecting moth balls in the clearance section at Marshalls. Well, since she IS a Lohan after all, she has taken zero responsibility for the epic fail, and is blaming others.

In a short interview (thanks to the Adderrall she can't sit still for more than 25 seconds) with People, she blamed the shit bomb on “coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection.”

And as for those Dlisted-approved nipple pasties, Blohan said she had nothing to do with those, “I wasn’t aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out. I am going back to Paris for the next collection….I am learning. It’s already in January. I thought it was in March."

That's funny, because I thought the only thing that came from the mind of a Lohan was those nipple pasties.

I'm sure Blohan found enough time to do three whole lines, so that whole "I came in late" excuse isn't going to fly. Bitch should ring up Michael Lohan and ask him to dig in his ass for another excuse. Or she should've just said that she pulled the entire collection out of her pant pocket. And yes, the pants don't belong to her. GIRL BYE!

Here's Blohan shopping her sorrows away in NYC yesterday.

According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.

A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu's sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen's kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he's never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn't knock up that loon.

So this means we're not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would've made my whole life year month week to see Keanu's hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.

But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen's chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there's a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby's father. Get that money, Karen!

In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.

Source

Long before January Jones was on Mad Men, she dated Mr. Demi Moore himself Ashton Kutcher. In the new issue of GQ, January says that Ashton pissed all over her dreams of an acting career by telling her to quit because she was never going to make it.

January said, "He was not supportive of my acting. He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So—fuck you! He only has nice things to say now—if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

Yes, acting advice from the dumbass who was in Dude, Where's My Car?. This just proves that you should never open up your ear to Ashton. The dude may be a hot piece (depending on how stoned you are), but dirty douchewater tends to pour out of his mouth regularly.

Open up your vagina hole to Ashton, but don't open up your ear hole. The latter is way too painful.

And here's January showing Ashton what's what by showing off her titty balls. Even though she's bringing the chichiness, these pictures aren't that great. January looks a little bored. Hell, even her boobies look bored.