Brandi Glanville was seven layers of tanked on Watch What Happens Live last night and when she's drunk, the foolery just flows out of her mouth. Andy Cohen asked Brandi if her arch rival LeAnn Rimes read her book and she wouldn't say anything bad about the Falkor of Texas. Brandi shoved talk of LeAnn Rimes to the side and went after Chelsea Handler instead. Chelsea was on WWHL last week and during the after-show she talked shit about all of the Housewives. Brandi had a message for her Chelsea:
"Like Chelsea Handler was here. She sucked on your show. She was horrible. She wasn't funny, it was completely awkward. I saw the after-show where she was putting down the Housewives. Chelsea, suck it. We know each other... We have the same gaygent and I made out with her lesbian and her assistant and her brother, so she hates me."
Her lesbian? Does that mean Chelsea owns a lesbian? But whatever, who hasn't Brandi made out with? I'm sure 90% of the tongues in the L.A. area have had Brandi Glanville DNA on them at one point or another. Shit, 90% of everything in the L.A. area has been touched by Brandi Glanville DNA at one point or another. If light poles could talk, I'm sure one would tell me that Brandi is all tongue when she makes out. And it makes sense that Brandi hates Chelsea and vice versa. They're both proud drunks, they're both proud sluts and they're both proud wearers of thirsty weaves. They both probably think that the other one is swallowing up the entire world's supply of vodka, peen and yellow weaves.
Jada Pinkett Smith took a little break from screaming at Willow to throw that math homework in the trash and sing, child, sing to sit down and write an open letter to the media and everyone else on Facebook (via HuffPo) about the "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) of young celebrities. Jada Pinkett Smith did her best Chrissy Crocker impersonation and screamed at everyone to leave Justin Bieber, RiRi and Taylor Swift aloooooooooooooooone.
One of Scientology's down low disciples wants us all to remember when were Taylor Swift's age and we were innocently working with our PR team to perfectly craft a sellable image using the songs we wrote about our ex-boyfriends. Remember that?! Jada wants us to remember when we were Justin Bieber's age and were throwing tantrums in our weed smoke-filled dressing rooms while our parents sat in the mansion we bought, because they don't want to get jobs. Remember that?! Remember that while reading what Jada wrote:
This last week, I had to really evaluate the communication in regard to our young artists in the media. I was trying to differentiate cyber-bullying from how we attack and ridicule our young stars through media and social networks. It is as if we have forgotten what it means to be young or even how to behave like good ol' grown folk. Do we feel as though we can say and do what we please without demonstrating any responsibility simply because they are famous?
Is it okay to continually attack and criticize a famous 19 year old who is simply trying to build a life, exercise his talents while figuring out what manhood and fame is all about as he carries the weight of supporting his family as well as providing the paychecks to others who depend on him to work so they can feed their families as well? Does that render being called a cunt by an adult male photographer as you try to return to your hotel after leaving the the hospital? Or what about our nine year old beautiful Oscar nominee who was referred to as a cunt as well? Or what about being a young woman in her early twenties, exploring the intracacies of love and power on the world stage? And should we shame a young woman for displaying a sense of innocence as she navigates through the murky waters of love, heartbreak, and fame? Are these young people not allowed to be young, make mistakes, grow, and eventually transform a million times before our eyes? Are we asking them to defy the laws of nature because of who they are? Why can't we congratulate them for the capacity to work through their challenges on a world stage and still deliver products that keep them on top.
We all know how hard it is to keep our head above water, even in the privacy of our own homes let alone on the world stage. Imagine yourself, at their age, with the spotlights, challenges and responsibilities. Most of us would have fallen to the waste side before we could even get to a crashed Ferrari, a controversial romance, several heart breaks, or an Oscar nomination at NINE. We WISH we could have had the capacity to accomplish HALF of what they have accomplished along with ALL these challenges they face. But...maybe THAT'S the problem...we WISH we could have or even...we WISH we could.
Don't tell me what to do, Jada! You're not my mom! Stop eating my food! Get out of my house! I hate you!
But seriously, Jada also slapped down a friend in an open letter on Facebook, because the friend wasn't making her blended family work and she needs to WOMAN UP and stop coming between her man and her man's children with another woman. So my question is, when did Jada become the Dear Abby of Facebook even though nobody was asking for her advice? I liked Jada so much better when she was in that shitty metal band.
Here's Jada leaving her hotel with Willow a few weeks ago.
It took all the members of Brangie child army nearly 5 months to harvest enough virgin blood and collect enough of Jennifer Aniston's tears to make 6,000 bottles of the Brangelina pank wine and it took only 5 hours for that crap to sell out.
Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie's Miraval Rose, made from grapes from the vineyard on their estate in France, went on sale online yesterday morning and by the afternoon, it was all gone. A rep for the Perrin family, the winemakers who actually made the wine, told People that all six-bottle cases (which went for $139 a case) are gone. But if you didn't get to buy a case, don't worry, you'll still get a chance to taste Brangelina's pank wine (which probably tastes like James Haven's saliva and goat sweat), because it goes on sale to restaurants and wholesalers later this month.
You're probably assuming that the Brangeloonies bought up every last case, because they figured that Brad Pitt made a regular habit out of stumbling into the vineyard to take a piss on the grapes after getting really, really stoned. (Side note: the label on the Brangelina wine should also read, "infused with Pitt piss.") But I don't think the Brangeloonies bought up all the bottles. I mean, the wine went on sale online at 9am and was sold out by 2pm. The computer lab in every Brangelooney ward at every mental hospital doesn't open until 3pm, so it couldn't have been them. It was obviously Jennifer Aniston. She's going to use the Brangelina wine to fill the Porta Potties at her wedding.
I'd like to think that a car driving by was blasting "One" from A Chorus Line and the music made Ben Affleck bust into his one-man kick line, but that's not what's happening here. After picking his 4-year-old daughter Seraphina up from school, Ben took her to the Brentwood County Mart and when they got there he found a bunch of paps waiting for him. Ben's b-hole started to boil up when the paps got too close to his daughter and so he started kicking at those bitches the same way Jennifer Garner has to kick out his side whores when she finds them naked in the pool house.
A source type tells TMZ that Ben never touched the pap with his foot and only kicked out his leg to show the paps how far they need to keep away from his daughter. The source says that the paps keep getting bolder and bolder and it's scaring Seraphina so much that it's making her cry. So Ben brought out his mama bear martial arts skills by kicking at those hos.
Even though Ben claims that his foot never touched that pap, I'm sure that pap will still say that the gust of wind created by Ben's flying foot made him fall to the ground, hit his head on a cement parking log and drop his $5,000 camera. The pap suffered a major concussion, his $5,000 camera is broken and he instantly developed a severe fear of flying legs. The pap will never be able to enjoy a Rockettes show again! He will sue for emotional and physical damages.
It must've been a slow day on the stroll if the paps are taking pictures of Ben Affleck. Who cares about Ben Affleck? The Oscars are over! There's brighter stars on the stroll like Phoebe Price. You know what these celeb whores need to do when they don't want to get their picture taken? They need to call up international supermodel Chicken Cutlets, because she'll show up and distract the paps with her world-class posing skills while they do whatever it is you do at the Brentwood County Mart. PP will save them.
And since you don't really care about looking at pictures of Ben Affleck, here's also some pictures of PP being demure and graceful on the stroll a couple of weeks ago.
You haven't lived until you've pulled a bright ginger pube out of your mouth and I guess Taylor Swift knows this, because the elven tramp of The Shire is once again spending time with the bushel of Hobbit pubes known as Ed Sheeran. When Taylor broke up with that Kennedy dude and the family let her know that she needs to be gone or they will take her for a nice night time drive off a bridge, she supposedly rebounded with Ed Sheeran. Taylor is apparently back with the real-life Chuckie Finster after his friend Harry Styles dumped her ass.
A source tells The Sun that when Taylor was in London for the Brit Awards, Ed Sheeran spent some time with her in her hotel room and was there until 4 in the morning. Now the guests next to Taylor's hotel room know what all that giggling and moaning was about. It wasn't sex noises, it was just Taylor whining and crying after Ed beat her in a game of Mall Madness. The source said that Taylor really feels like Ed could be the one (aka she can get at least 2 albums worth of songs out of him) and she wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him after her tour ends.
"Taylor has always loved Ed to bits. He’s just an adorably sweet guy who makes her laugh and feel really confident. Harry had that irresistible bad boy thing but Taylor has realised she would rather give it a go with a guy who can make her happy on a different level.
Taylor made it clear when they go off on tour she wants Ed to be her boyfriend. He’s thrilled as he has always thought she’s amazing. When they split last year he always hoped they would get back together. They’ve both vowed not to have a nasty break-up no matter what happens.”
I'm torn (insert your butt plug jokes here), because on one hand, Ed Sheeran gives off subtle shades of Rojo Caliente and that means he's way too good for Taylor's ass. On the other hand, this is meant to be, because Taylor look like an elf maiden and he looks like the black sheep of the Hobbits. It's like some kinky Lord of the Rings fanfic come to life.
Skeletor could never move on from losing Castle Grayskull to He-Man time and time again, but when it comes to love dude moves a whole lot faster. Just one month after breaking up with Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, Marc Anthony has already moved on to a new piece, 21-year-old Topshop heiress and reality show trick Chloe Green. Chloe was friendly with 44-year-old Skeletor when he was still married to JLo and now their friendship has bloomed into some full-time humping.
Skeletor took the 5-year-old Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, to Disneyland in Anaheim, CA on Tuesday and his new piece Chloe came along for the rides. Skeletor and Chloe held hands, canoodled out in the open and she carefully listened while holding Emme as he told her about his plans to conquer Cinderella's Castle since he could never fully conquer Castle Grayskull.
The Daily Mail points out that Chloe is 2 years younger than Skeletor's eldest kid Ariana and 4 years younger than JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece Casper Smart.
The good news for Casper is that since he's 4 years older than Chloe, he's still the captain of the children's table and so the last bit of sparkling apple cider STILL goes in his plastic sippy cup. The bad news is that since there's another thirsty mouth at the children's table, there won't be any leftover sparkling apple cider anymore. Damn you, Skeletor! You ruin everything.
Jezebel, ONTD, Crushable and a bunch of people on Twitter are all shaking their heads at Lisa Lampanelli today after she tweeted a picture of her and Lena Dunham, who is wearing a moldy camping tarp for some reason, and called Lena her "nigga." No, they weren't in Paris and no, GOOPY Paltrow isn't Lisa's ghost tweeter. Some people are shocked about this, but doesn't Lisa's whole act involve trying to shock bitches. Wouldn't it be more shocking if bitch didn't use a slur? When she's not talking about how she's taken so much black dick that her pussy has been certified triple Kardashian, she's making racist jokes, right?
I thought that was her thing. She sees a person, determines their race and then says something like, "Hey, (insert racial slur here)!" Since I'm Hispanic, Asian and gay, I wonder how she'd greet my ass. She'd probably look at me and her racial slur generator would malfunction for a minute before she spit out, "Hey, spagip!"
RiRi was in London last night for the launch of her fashion line, which is perfect for the Tampa Bay-area beach hooker who wants to look like she bought all of her ho shit uniforms at The Salvation Army in the early 90s, and while going to the after-party for her show, she scraped her knee. ESCANDALO, I know.
America's foremost literary journal of all things true Media Takeout (via HL, TMZ, DM and everywhere else) says that when RiRi and model Cara Delevingne were walking into The Box, some batshit crazy fan started screaming some stuff about Chris Brown while throwing a glass bottle of Lucozade at her. The bottle didn't hit RiRi, but all the chaos made her fall into a metal grate and the grate cut her knee right open. MTO says that RiRi's knee SLICED open, but I'm sure most of us have had razor cuts on our assholes that were deeper than that cut.
After the crazed fan tried to hit RiRi with a bottle, her bodyguard went after the bottle hurler and hurt his leg while doing so. The fan got away and RiRi's bodyguard had to go to the hospital for treatment.
There are thousands of pictures of RiRi going into and coming out of The Box last night and I couldn't find one picture of the crazed fan or a picture of a bottle flying at her head. So either it didn't happen or the crazed fan is a pap-proof ninja ghost. If that's the case, can't the crazed fan use their ninja-like powers to go after The Difficult Brown next time? Speaking of The Difficult Brown, England better pull in the welcome mat, lock the doors and turn off all the nights, because I have a feeling that Chris Brown is going to land on their shores after smelling RiRi's blood.
For even more RiRi fuckery, click here to see what happened when The Sunday Times Magazine lost their minds and put a whole lot of WRONG on their cover.
And more importantly, why is Cara Delevingne dressed like the sluttiest member of JJ Fad?
Justin Timberlake released the David Fincher directed video for his song "Suit & Tie" on Valentine's Day, because, duh, he's a crooning cupid of love and when he opens his mouth, musical arrows shoot out and directly hit the g-spot in your ears. In the video that makes me appreciate Robin Thicke's act a whole lot more, Justin Timberlake eats cereal with Jay-Z, auditions for a community theater production of Jersey Boys, dances in a stage puddle ala Umbrella and ends it by doing the Mad Men opening credits fall.
Listening to this wreck of a song hurt me less than watching The Love Guru while sober did, so I guess that's a good thing. And Justin Timberlake's freshly relaxed locks are growing me. There's just something about a grown white man stocking up on boxes of Dark & Lovely at Rite-Aid.
Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.
The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:
"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."
The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.
And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.