Yeah Okay

According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.

A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu's sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen's kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he's never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn't knock up that loon.

So this means we're not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would've made my whole life year month week to see Keanu's hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.

But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen's chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there's a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby's father. Get that money, Karen!

In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.

Source

Long before January Jones was on Mad Men, she dated Mr. Demi Moore himself Ashton Kutcher. In the new issue of GQ, January says that Ashton pissed all over her dreams of an acting career by telling her to quit because she was never going to make it.

January said, "He was not supportive of my acting. He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So—fuck you! He only has nice things to say now—if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

Yes, acting advice from the dumbass who was in Dude, Where's My Car?. This just proves that you should never open up your ear to Ashton. The dude may be a hot piece (depending on how stoned you are), but dirty douchewater tends to pour out of his mouth regularly.

Open up your vagina hole to Ashton, but don't open up your ear hole. The latter is way too painful.

And here's January showing Ashton what's what by showing off her titty balls. Even though she's bringing the chichiness, these pictures aren't that great. January looks a little bored. Hell, even her boobies look bored.

A Pennyslvania judge has demanded that Ed Hardy's down-low lover Jon Grosselin has to return $180,000 of the $230,000 he snatched from his joint checking account with Kate Gosselin. An arbitrator will determine what happens to the remaining $55,000.

Jon has until October 26th to pay up or he has to face the judge again for contempt. I'm sure the judge will punish Jon by making him sleep without his Ed Hardy pillow person.

Kate issued this statement to TMZ: "As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues."

As much as it pleases my soul to know that Kate's rabid possum will get to eat live mice again, I'm a little concerned. How is Jon going to pay his fancy lil' lawyer now? If Jon can't pay his fancy lil' lawyer, how is his fancy lil' lawyer going to maintain his fanciness? No more fancy hair plugs. No more fancy fake tanning. No more fancy Louis Vuitton business woman purses. No more fancy lil' boy suits from Brooks Brothers. No more fancy lifts. And no more fancy 14k gold thongs (you know he wears that shit). Insert fancy sad face here.

Remember that one video of Seth Green freaking out like a leprechaun who lost his rainbow on the set of some commercial? And the one of him getting mugged in some parking lot? Well, your brain might have already barfed up that important information, but in case it hasn't, you should know that it was viral marketing for Butterfinger. Yeah, Butterfinger has replaced a tiny yellow boy creature with a tiny ginge boy creature. Homer better choke a bitch over this.

The videos are part of some contest for Butterfinger. They released this statement of words:

Someone has laid a finger on Seth Green`s BUTTERFINGER. Nestlé USA today announced the launch of "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" an innovative online narrative game for consumers to help solve the mystery surrounding the October 2 theft of Green`s vintage Butterfinger bar. The "lite" alternate reality game starring Seth Green will call upon the clever, irreverent thinking of Butterfinger fans, as they compete to find and solve clues that could lead to the return of Green`s
missing bar and a one-of-a-kind grand prize: a solid-gold Butterfinger bar worth $10,000.

Green, a lifelong Butterfinger fan, was announced recently as the official Butterfinger Mouthpiece, in conjunction with the brand reintroducing its tagline "Nobody`s Gonna Lay A Finger On My Butterfinger." Green collaborated with Butterfinger to produce "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" using comedy and the real world as a platform. Dubbed an "alternate reality game lite" (ARGL), DudeWheresMyBar.com propels fans into an entertaining storyline created by the comedic genius of Green and the one-and-only iconic candy bar brand. "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" combines the innovations of a multi-platform narrative game with video vignettes featuring Green and co-starring actors Sean Cullen, Stuart Pankin and Jon Wellner.

"Butterfinger has long been associated with clever, irreverent humor," said Butterfinger marketing manager Daniel Jhung. "Leave it to this brand to serve up the first-ever consumer packaged goods ARG with a light, Butterfinger twist."

There you have it. You can go back to not caring.

And I bet that Seth's peen kind of looks like a bite-sized Butterfinger after a sloppy butt fuck party. I'm sorry.

Donald Trump's hair looks like Tilda Swinton's mop after being stranded in the dessert for days without water, moisturizer, hugs or a blow dryer. Just thought I'd point that out. And we're off!

Tilda Swinton is ready to peck Donald Trump's beady eyes out over an enormous golf resort that is about to terrorize Scotland. Tilda lives there, and she's not about to welcome Trump's multi-million dollar resort into her backyard. Tilda says NOOOO to golf courses, but YESSSSS to butt raping directors.

The Associated Press reports that Tilda has joined 15,000 other people in signing a petition asking for the resort not to be built. According to the petition, four residents on the property may be evicted to make way for Trump's golf course.

A spokeswhore for Donald Trump only said that Tilda is siding with the "extremists."

The Trump probably wanted to call Tilda a "fat slob" and a "disgusting pig," but he's saving that for when The Insider or Entertainment Tonight asks him to comment.

The Trump has no idea who he is fucking with, because Tilda's got the crazy fever in her eyes and I don't think she's afraid to unleash it. Tilda looks like she will shit on your porch if you cross her.

The ex-boyfriend of Tracy Anderson, who used to be Vadge's personal trainer, is suing her for $1 million, because he claims she used her "female charms" to swindle his ass. Page Six says that Glynn Barber, an engineer and machinist, invested cash in Tracy's company, but never ever saw a return even though she was rolling in the money. Glynn was forced to file for bankruptcy. And not only is his checking account sad, but so is his manhood.

In the court papers, Glynn states, "She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company. I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical 'Cats' for four years. She said her ex-husband, Eric, played for the Knicks . . . None of this turned out to be true. I made Madonna's fitness equipment for $13,000 and Tracy sold it to her for $26,000. She made a fortune from using Madonna's name."

Glynn also has a warning for Tracy's new man, "I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with 'The Cobra.' Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability."

THE COBRA? FEMALE CHARMS!? That is the best. Glynn should be head writer on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

We're all friends here, so Glynn could've given it to us straight-up without the splash of soda water. Female Charms = Tracy fucked him until his toe nails fell off.

Tracy could make even more millions if she bottled her "female charms." I could use some of that to get the skeezy dude at my liquor store to give me the 10% discount he gives to chicks with vaginas.

And who in the hell would lie about being a Power Ranger? If you are indeed a Power Ranger, that's the kind of information you lock in a steel box and stash under a floor board in your bedroom. Being a power ranger is like having a hyperactive gag reflex. You never admit it.

Also, it seems that Tracy is a regular Lilly from The Grifters. Just read the comments on this post over at Gabsmash about how Tracy brings the lies to get the cash. They don't call her THE COBRA for nothing!

Usher and Tameka Foster can also act like two spoiled toddlers fighting over the prime spot in the sandbox. Move over Jon & Kate....

TMZ says that Usher had to call the cops on his estranged wife, because he caught her scratching up his car. When the po po arrived, Tameka had already busted out of there. Usher also had to call 911 a second time, because Tameka refused to leave his property.

Usher thinks that Tameka scratched up his truck, because they had a fight over the custody of their children the night before. The day after the fight, Tameka showed up at his house demanding to see the kids. The kiddies were at his mother's house. When Tameka left, Usher immediately drove his ass over to his mom's house. Tameka was already there, banging on the door and acting the fool. Usher called the cops, but Tameka busted out of that bitch before they arrived. The next day, Usher found his truck all scratched up. SANTIO DIOS!

Tameka is scratching up the wrong thing. Tameka should be scratching up Usher's credit card by buying everything from dick on Craigslist to booze by the bulk. Seriously, when are these bitches going to realize that it's much more fun just to sick back, smoke a bowl, pop on HSN and spend his money. Scratching cars in the middle of the day sounds exhausting!

So check your state or country laws before your fuck parts start salivating over him. You do not want to share a cell with Roman Polanski, because he looks like a snorer....and a night farter. Anyway, here's the wolfie boy from Twilight getting wet and jumping around during a Rolling Stone photo shoot in Malibu yesterday.

Whenever I see this dude, he's always bouncing in the air like the ground is filled with Parasite Hilton's toxic cooch warts. It's like he's got springs instead of bones. If he flips around like that on the sand, imagine what he can do on your... Actually, don't imagine that before checking with Chris Hansen first.

Katie Price, who has made zillions of dollars from allowing cameras to shoot her every bowel movement, wasn't exactly thrilled with a group of paps yesterday. Katie Spears-ed the pappies by attacking them with her umbrella while screaming at them "get a fucking real job!" That was the punchline.

No, Katie didn't go full Cheeto by shaving her weave off for the occasion, but I'm sure her fat kitty is completely bald, so that sort of counts.

Katie's spokeswhore actually issued a statement about the non-incident: "Kate understands the nature of her job and generally co-operates with the media. But yesterday she said they were being very intrusive and had overstepped the mark."

Or maybe Katie was just in a rush to get home, because the rain was starting to wash away all the layers of orange diarrhea on her skin.

Earlier this week, a clip of leprechaun Seth Green flipping a table and throwing a toddler-approved freak-out on the set of a commercial magically landed in everyone's inbox. Well, here's a new clip from a parking lot surveillance camera of Seth getting mugged just a couple of hours before. Apparently, this is why he had the angries in a bad way.

Something in the milk ain't clean about this. If you just got mugged in a parking, wouldn't you: a) scream for the cage fighting drag queens of Wales b) wonder why six TMZ cameras weren't on the scene or c) call the police?

Or if you're Seth Green, you bitch out your bodyguard and pull a Teresa Giudice on a table. Makes sense. I still think we need to get Det. La Toya on the case.

VIA Gawker