Yeah Okay

On November's cover of Elle, Stepford Katie actually looks like a real-life human being who doesn't need to be programmed to smile. Photoshop is the best drug sometimes. They must have used the "living person" tool on her.

In the issue, Katie says that Tommy Girl always has something to say about what she's wearing. Can't you just picture him giving her the once over and rotating his hips while snapping in z-formation if he disapproves? Typical queen.

Katie said, "He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that.' Tom has great taste."

HAH. Yes, Tommy does have wonderful taste. Anybody who takes a peek at his platform midwife shoes knows that. And not only is Tommy a controlling robot master, but he always knows when a dress is wearing you! Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe better watch it, because Tommy Girl is going sashay on in and snatch her career. Hopefully when Tommy says, "I DIE," he means it. Literally.

VIA UsWeekly

It seems that 17-year-old Frances Bean (daughter of Courtney Love & Kurt Cobain) has inherited her mother's skills for writing confusing rants about totally random subjects. For some reason, Frances went on her Twitter (her account has since been deleted) and typed out an open letter to 45-year-old Ali Lohan of all people. If we were all to write a joint open letter to Ali Lohan, it would consist of 6 words: YOU ARE SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. But Frances Bean got a little deeper. We're going to need an Emo soundtrack for this one.

Before you start, you should know that Courtney Love doesn't believe in spell check in her household. Rant poetry should be raw. And we're off:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

I have to give to Frances for putting "Ali Lohan" and "artistic integrity" together, because my brain would have never ever gone to that place. And if it did, I'd have to disown it immediately.

I know I'm already on the Grammar & Spelling Nazis' most wanted list, but Frances Bean just jumped two places ahead of me. I'll see you in grammar prison, Frances! We can be bunk mates.

And if you're currently suffering from IRONY poisoning after reading this letter, just drink some milk and stay away from anything Courtney Love-related for a few hours.

P.S. - I'm patiently waiting for White Oprah's "open letter to Frances Bean," but I think she's still lying face first in a toilet from last night's debauchery, so let's give her a few.

VIA ONTD

At last night's Blink 182/Fall Out Boy show at MSG in NYC, Pete Wentz declared that it was "THE DEATH OF THE EMO HAIRCUT" and let Mark Hoppus cut his hair off on stage. All together now: "He should've cut off his head instead!"

While I am happy for Pete's hairline since it probably hasn't seen the light of anything for a long ass time, his new shaved head really isn't the look. Before, he looked like a slow orangutan with an Emo wig, and now he just looks like a slow orangutan.

Pete did good by taking a machete to the emo haircut, but he should have backed away from the clippers and skipped towards the dread wax. Remember when Pete had dreadlocks:

I mean, Pete with hairy penises all over his head just made sense!

VIA People & Friends Or Enemies

LeAnn Rimes already took a bull dozer to Brand Glanville's marriage by stealing her hot piece of a husband Eddie Cibrian, and now she's trying to take everything else. That's what Brandi told UsWeekly anyway. According to Brandi, she is currently starring in a life remake of Single White Female with her in the Bridget Fonda role and LeAnn in the Jennifer Jason Leigh Role. Worst remake ever.

Brandi said that LeAnn better back her coochie up, because she's getting way too close, "I have a new neighbor and her name is LeAnn Rimes. She's moved in a half a mile from my house and a block from my son's school. So she is completely space invading me at the moment so things are not cool. There is a point where she needs to have a sensitive side and back the F up. Honestly, she's Single White Female-ing me. She wants my life. She wants my kids. She wants my husband. She can have most of everything but just not my children or my family."

Brandi is being way too dramatic about this. I doubt LeAnn is stealing her life on purpose. LeAnn probably can't even see Brandi's life clearly, because her eyes are always in the damn squint position. Bitch can't open her eyes! Brandi needs to think about that.

And when is Eddie Cibrian going to start copying the life of LeAnn's gayfaced husband? We all want to know when Eddie starts trolling the glory holes and bleaching his no-no.

This little clip of "Seth Green losing it on the set of a commercial" landed in my inbox, and even though it's probably faker than everything on Heidi Montag, it's still so cute! Seriously, I love it when little leprechauns throw adult-sized hissy fits. Maybe he'd be more menacing if he was standing on a phone book, but he isn't, so this shit is just precious.

Don't you just want to hug the angries right out of him? I bet if you squeeze him hard enough thousands of Lucky Charms (only the marshmallow ones) will shoot out of his tiny asshole. This should really be on Cute Overload.

This is even giving Christian Bale the "awwwws" in his heart.

That's because she's probably cold-calling like a telemarketer trying to get hos to donate to her situation. The Sun says that Courtney Love's checking account is pretty much at zero like her sanity levels.

Apparently, Courtney Love has been telling friends that she can barely feed her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean and is about to get put out of The Mercer Hotel, because she's only got a few coins to her name. Some source said that Courtney told her friend, "I'm fucked now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted."

Last Month, Courtney tried to tap into Frances Bean's trust fund, but bitch got denied.

First of all, I wonder what Courtney's idea of a "decent meal" is? I'm guessing a pack of Reds, a few stale fries from McDonald's, half of a pack of relish and maybe a pistachio nut she found in her sofa.

Second of all, I'm sure Courtney isn't broke BROKE. I mean, maybe she lent some money to that Nigerian prince again and he's totally going to pay her back when he moves millions of his own money from his homeland. Or maybe Courtney just misplaced her money.........in her nostrils.

Court obviously needs Detective La Toya to grab a magnifying glass and track down her missing money. And if Det. La Toya can't do that, she can at least show Court how to whore it up for a quick dolla!

Sean Penn might be in a little bit of trouble after he allegedly karate kicked and hit at a pap who tried to photograph his ass while he was leaving the Brentwood Country Mart yesterday. The pap who goes by the name of Jordan Dawes says that Sean, who looks like he was wearing a Jeff Spicoli wig at the time, went crazy on his ass a few times before getting in his car and busting out of the scene.

TMZ says that Jordan immediately filed a police report against Sean.

If you're a pap and Sean Penn comes around the corner, you better put on a helmet and pray for the power of Greyskull to be with you, because bitch don't play. Look at his old ass busting out a SPARTAAAA kick on that pap! The best part is that he's not letting anything happen to that bag of food he's holding. Sean must have spent time at the abuelita training camp, because memaws are masters when it comes to beating your ass with one hand while stirring a pot of food with the other.

And if the pap wanted to get Sean off of him, he should've just thrown a fake 8 ball or a rubber vagina at him. That'll keep Sean busy for a few quick seconds.

Robert Joe Halderman, the 48 Hours producer who tried to extort 2 million clams from David Letterman, shouted "NOT GUILTY" today to the felony charge of attempted grand larceny. The judge took his plea and set his bail at $200,000.

In case anybody hasn't whispered this in your ear yet, it's been confirmed that RJH is the ex-boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt (above), who used to be Dave's assistant. Homegirl would also appear on the show every now and again. Apparently, Stephanie and Dave used to bone on the down low before he got married to his now wife and then girlfriend.

Manhattan's District Attorney held a press conference earlier today where he said that RJH was using some of Stephanie's diary entries and letters to blackmail Dave. The D.A. also added that RJH tried to deposit the fake $2 million check Dave gave him. After the check bounced like it came from a Real Housewive, RJH was arrested.

Okay, what the hell kind of bunk ass extortionist is this Robert Joe Halderman dude?! Does he not watch late-night movies?! When you're trying to blackmail a bitch, you don't accept a check! Tell their asses you are a cash only establishment! And if you're really at the top of your game, you tell them you want it in British Pounds and to throw in DVDs of the entire first season of Being Bobby Brown. You can't get that shit in stores!

Three weeks ago, David Letterman got into his car and noticed that there was a mysterious package on his seat. When he opened it, it wasn't anything good like a hard-to-find box of Jello 1-2-3 or a glossy nude 3D picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. No, it was a letter from someone threatening Dave to hand over $2 million or he'd spill his "creepy" bedroom secrets which included fucking some of his staffers. The extortionist (that is so going to be the name of a future CBS show) claimed he would use the information to write a movie and a book. UGH! Remember the old days when bitches just used to sell that kind of information to the tabloids or simply post it on the internet? Nowadays bitches are always trying to get a 3-picture deal out of something. Hollywood!

David immediately shuffled off to the District Attorney's office in Manhattan and told them someone was trying to blackmail him. The D.A.'s office investigated the threats and then cut a fake check for $2 million in which they gave to the extortionist. The extortionist should've realized something in the milk wasn't clean when the check was oversized and came with a bunch of balloons. But something tells me the extortionist ain't got the smarts in the brains.

The dude was arrested yesterday morning and Dave had to testify in front of a grand jury. Dave admitted that what the extortionist was claiming is true. He has done sexy times with some of his staff members (PAUL, HOW COULD YOU?!). ESCANDALO (not really).

Dave confessed to it all on his show last night. It was a little awkward, because the audience kept laughing like a laugh-track on loop, and because Dave just got married last year to his ladyfriend of 23 years. They have a kid together.

The extortionist has been identified as Jay Leno. No, the extortionist is 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours and the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie is Dave's assistant and she reportedly had an affair with him years before he was married. They have since stopped bumping nasties in the copy room at midnight. That's what Radar says anyway.

So that's that! The truth is, people fuck their co-workers. It happens. I fuck on my co-workers all the time (Fun Fact: I only work with myself. WINK). Dave getting down with his employees probably isn't the best move, but it's not like he did anything horrific like kick a kitten or mooned a baby. Dave simply put his peen in someone's vagina. Maybe his wife was cool with it. Maybe she wasn't. I'm sure we'll find out.

The bitch I'm really mad at is the extortionist. Dude owes all of us $2 million for forcing us to think about Dave's sweaty prune nalgas bouncing up and down on some lady.

And in other news, Sarah Palin just climbed on top of her igloo and shouted, "I CAN SEE DAVE'S ROTTEN CHEATING ASS FROM MY HOUSE! I'M HAVING THE BEST DAY EVAH!"

Emma Watson, whose brain is currently taking classes at Brown, wanted to booze it up at a football game like any other college student, but some hos at Harvard just wouldn't let her get her buzz on in peace! They had to get in her LIFE!

Page Six reports that right before a game between Brown and Harvard, this blog post went up on The Harvard Voice's website:

We will be Live-Tweetin' the game and possibly stalking Emma Watson, so keep your eyes peeled for that, too!

When the game started, so did the Tweets! The Harvard Voice's Twitter page busted out gems like: "Let's go Hermione! Lolz" and "In enemy territory. Lookin for a certain witch." After they finally found Emma in the stadium, they posted a picture of her and declared their mission a success. When some hos complained about the liveblog, The Voice's editor said the whole thing was "blown out of proportion."

This is my question, where were these eagle-eyed stalkers at Harvard when I went to see Harry Potter in Equus last year? While I was straining my damn eyeballs trying to find Harry's peen in that dark ass theater, they could've used their skills to point that shit out to me right away. Seriously, they need to leave that Hermione girl alone and use their powers for good. Good like finding wizard dick in a dark theater.