Yeah Okay

Before you watch Aubrey O'Day's inspirational speech about her boobies and body, (NSFW) click here to see a topless picture of her at the opening night of her Las Vegas titty show yesterday. Aubrey's nipples are steaming, because the picture "leaked" and made its way around the internet. Aubrey was forced to call out from her show, because she was up all night talking to her lawyers both domestically AND internationally to get the picture off the internet. No, "talking to the lawyers" is not some new kinky sex act involving scat, Aubrey was actually on the phone with legal people. I think.

In the clip, Aubrey queefs on and on about how we should love our bodies...KUMBAYABLAHBLERBLAHBLER... Then she shows us what she looks like in her au naturale state. Yes. Whenever you need to prove a point, just show your breasts.

The truth is, I've liked Aubrey since she admitted that she was a proud member of the slut club, but I'm not sure why she's that upset about the "leaked" picture. I'm sure this is not the first time hos have made fun of her chichis. I mean, we've seen her titty balls in Playboy, on almost every street corner and in the back pages of L.A. Weekly.

Aubrey just needs to keep on sluttin' and fuck the haters. No, I mean, like she needs to literally fuck her haters. Give it to them good, keep 'em dripping for more and then never give it to them again. Giving a bitch blue balls is the best revenge.

Julia Roberts is off in India shooting Queef, Poop, Fart (aka Eat, Pray, Love) and has already made the locals curse her name, because she is invading their LIVES. One local told The Mirror that he can't get into his temple during the holiest time of the year, because Julia's movie is hogging it up.

And the locals are also pissed off, because Julia has a security staff of about 350 people (including 40 gunmen) guarding her family at all times. They say Julia takes a bulletproof car to the set every day while helicopters patrol above. Why didn't they simply ring up Quween on the Scene? Quween can do the job of a million bouncers.

You know, I have a hard time believing this little nugget since there's really no reason for Julia Roberts to have the scareds in India. I mean, cows are sacred there, so why wouldn't horses be sacred too? Yes, I came up with that one all on my own. I'm a big kid now! Next stop: potty training!

(Image VIA Splash)

The human (that's debatable) version of a Hot Topic bobble head, Marilyn Manson, will have to spend a few days resting in his coffin because he says he has the swine flu. Yeah, better late than never, I guess.

Marilyn said, "So I have officially been diagnosed, by a real doctor, with THE SWINE FLU. I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness. Unfortunately, I am going to survive.”

I would never suggest that Marilyn got it by boning a pig. However, I would suggest that he got it from doing massive amounts of oral with chocolate covered bacon, chicharrónes, Honey Baked ham and pig pie.

VIA Prefix Magazine

Kirk Cameron, the star of my favorite comedy movie of '08 Fireproof, has once again climbed to the top of the internet mountain to shout about evolution...or something. In a video he posted on his website, Kirk went on and on about how Darwin hated vagina and was a total racist. Kirk even claims that Darwin's "Origin of Species" inspired Hitler. Yup, the entire Seaver family just put him on the curb.

Kirk and the "Banana Guy" will travel to college campuses to hand out a new 50-page introduction for the "Origin of Species." Unfortunately, Kirk didn't say Boner would be joining them on the tour. Because if he was, I'd totally drop my dildo to be there.

After Kirk's video made it around the internet and back, a Romanian girl posted a response where she calls him a "ssssssssssnake!" Homegirl spanks Kirk as if he was a screaming 2-year-old in the Salvation Army! Anybody who looks like they teleported directly from 1990 has my vote. Every time.

VIA Jezebel

At an Emmy Awards party on Sunday night, Chloe Sevigny and Jason Segel were spotted with their tongues down each other's throats. That's what E! claims anyway. When the two finally wiped the slobber off of their faces and realized hos were staring at them, they stopped. A few hours later, they left the party together and probably did The Brown Bunny somewhere else.

This is some weird shit. It would make more sense if you said Betty White and Jason Segel were doing each other on the sofa. Shit, Chloe Sevigny and Betty White scissoring each other in the bathroom wouldn't throw up a question mark over my head. But Chloe and Jason?! Did they pull out each other's keys from a hat or something? Weird.

But I don't blame Chloe, Jason is probably hung like a pug at the beach.

The 18-year-old dude who was arrested for allegedly robbing Blohan's house of broken mirrors might have been more than just some stranger who thieved her ass. According to TMZ, Nick Prugo was seen hanging around with Blo on the set of her direct-to-basic-cable-TV extravaganza Labor Pains.

One witness who worked on the shit show said Nick visited Blohan around 10 times. It's not known whether or not Nick has ever been to Blo's house. But I think it's safe to say he has since I think every coochie connoisseur in the Greatest Los Angeles area has been invited back to her house at one point or another.

And in a little piece of info that is totally unrelated to this situation (it's totally related to this situation), TMZ says that Nick was arrested for coke possession last year. SANTO DIOS!

This brings me to this blind time CDAN posted late last month:

"This blind item is going to be phrased as a piece of advice. If you pay your drug dealer on time he won't break into your house and take your things. Just saying."

It doesn't take an investigative genius like Detective La Toya to figure this one out. Actually, it might. Get Det. La Toya in here! We need answers before we can keep fucking that chicken!

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

Last month, it was reported that Chelsea Handler quit her boyfriend/boss Ted Harbert. The story went that Chelsea put his ass on the curb and he was forced to live in a hotel. Ted probably poked Chelsea in the wrong hole and bitch wasn't having it. You know how that goes. Well, apparently Ted has done right again by Chelsea's pikachu, because the two were spotted being all couple-like at the Borgota in Atlantic City.

Chelsea was there to perform three shows and Ted was seen in the audience at one of them. A source told Page Six that they shared a room together and were even seen eating in public (ESCANDALO), "They were inseparable and did everything together." EVERYTHING? Well, they must be in love again if they are going caca times and barfing up last night's vodka together.

This is good news since I was afraid that Ted might fire Chelsea from E! the way she fired him from her vagina. Because if Chelsea's show was off of E!, they would total give Kourtney Kardashian her own talk show and that would make all of our Tivos commit mass suicide.

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed