Yeah Okay

Lil' Mama issued a statement through her favorite cashier at Western Union (because you know she doesn't have a publicist) about stage crashing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' performance at the VMAs last night. Eye roll like you give an eff:

"I did not mean any disrespect towards Jay-Z or Alicia Keys. I admire them and look up to them as role models. 'Empire State of Mind' had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY."

The thing is, I'm one of the only dumb bitches who actually cared and noticed this, so Lil' Mama issued this statement to let everybody know she was the fool on that stage. Most people figured either: a) Kanye West left his ego (who just happens to be a pre-op gremlin) on stage or b) Lady CaCa's hermie peen was on the loose again.

And Lil' Mama's excuse is that she was high on emotions? Is "emotions" the new street name for meth?

VIA EW.com

Henny-chugger and mic snatcher Kanye West posted a farty CAPS-FILLED non-apology to Taylor Swift last night, but quickly took that shit down. You can read it here if your eyes need a work-out.

This afternoon, Kanye gave his CAPS-LOCK key the day off (or maybe it quit ass) and posted this second "I iz sowwy" to Taylor. This time he brought Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro into it (???????). Since Kanye is such a fan of Meet the Fockers, how he about he recreate a pivotal scene with Taylor? He can be the Fockers' dog and she can be the evil pussy. FLUSH!

And seriously, we get it already, Kanye. YOU ARE TRULY SORRIES. From now on, just raise your hand whenever you want to speak. Yeah, we gotta go back to kindergarten. It's like that.

If Lady CaCa truly wanted to make our eyeballs bust into a seizure out of shock, she would've shown up to the VMAs wearing loose-fitting jeans, a polo shirt and sneakers. But instead, she decided to once again like like an art project done by a group of half-blind pre-schoolers with short attention spans and overactive bladders.

I think Lady CaCa was just trying to go for some kind of record for the most "separated at birth" comparisons in one night. I mean, in thumbnail #10, she's the long-lost twin of a huge mound of bird doody lying in the middle of a nest. And in thumbnail #12, she's the Heat Miser's used butt tampon. What else is there to say? This fuckery speaks for itself!

Serena Williams will have to fork over $10,000 in fines for telling a line judge she wanted to "shove a tennis ball down her throat" at the US Open this past weekend. Serena wipes her taint with $10,000 in single bills every day, so she's not even going to miss the money. Especially since she was paid $350,000 in prize money for making it to the semi-finals.

Serena was also fined $500 for racket abuse. The hos in charge at the US Open also said that in addition to the fines, Serena may face additional peenalties (typo and it stays). If they really wanted to punish Serena's ass, they'd lock her in a Henny-less room with Kanye West.

If you ask me, I think they should be the ones paying Serena $10,000 for actually making tennis entertaining. Yes, watching floppy dicks bounce around in loose shorts gives me the tingles, but nothing beats an all-out cunt bitch meltdown.

Yesterday, Megan Fox was slapitty slap slapped by 3 crew members on the Transformers movies in an open letter posted on Michael Bay's website. The crew members called her a dumb bitch who is ungrateful and doesn't want to see the pyramids of Egypt. Or something like that.

Today, Michael Bay, who probably wrote that smackdown himself after crying in a hot shower because Megan called him "Hitler," took down the open letter. In its place, Michael posted this:

"I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3."

And in Michael Bay-talk "crazy," means "dumb, slutty and bitchy." And by "working with her," he means "jacking off to the footage from the hidden camera he placed in her trailer."

Since Sean Penn and Robin Wright's marriage is officially headed for the guillotine (for real this time), he can finally show off his shiny pieces out in public! Sean no longer has to bump it on the down low in hotel rooms or his dealer's bathroom (you know how he does it).

On Friday night in NYC, 49-year-old Sean took 25-year-old Sports Illustrated model Jessica White out to dinner. There's been a rumor that the two are partaking in sexy time activities together and this pretty much confirms it.

Hopefully, Jessica is just using Sean for the dick and the bad shit. Sean is not the type you want to get into a long-term situation with. Just bump, blow and bounce.

It looks like Sarah Palin will be able to see Levi's goods from her house, because he is going to drop them panties and get nekkid for Playgirl.com. TMZ says that Levi has been spending a lot of time at the gym to get his body ready to pose for pictures that thousands of gay dudes will rub their genitals all over (GUILTY). But there's one issue, Levi's "handler" says he's trying to decide whether or not to show his shaved caribou or his pair of bearded seals. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. Basically, he wants to show either his dick or ass.

Let's take a vote. All of you in favor of seeing his ass, punch yourself in the crotch bone, because you should want to see THE PEEN instead! Fuck his ass (panty creaming moment)! Show us the Alaskan-bred MEAT! Yes, it's probably a little frost-bitten and shrively from living in an igloo park, but a few slaps on a hot log will warm it up and get it camera ready!

Come on, Levi's peen, pucker up for the camera and say, "YOU BETCHA!"

When the halfway-melted down Lego Man that is Jermaine Jackson announced the extravagant tribute concert to his brother Michael, he promised that the likes of Mary J. Blige, Chris Brown and Natalie Cole would perform. The only problem is that when all three of them were asked about the concert, they all pulled some "Never Heard Of It" shit. Without Mary, Chris or Natalie, the only confirmed performers for the concert was Sister Ledge. And let's be real, you can see them at your local county fair while chomping on some deep fried butter.

So, without any performers, it's no surprise that Jermaine has decided to postpone the show until June 2010. The concert was supposed to take place in Vienna on September 26th, but it's been moved to Wembley Stadium in London for 2010. Jermaine issued this statement:

"Many artists and performers who I have spoken to personally told me that it would be a great honor to be part of this memorial concert for my late brother - an artist who influenced the music world like virtually no other. However, due to the short time frame it was not possible for many of them to change their schedule so that they could be on stage in Vienna on September 26, therefore we decided, after careful consideration, to change the date of the tribute concert to June 2010 - just a few weeks before the first anniversary of his untimely death. Now we have 8 months to put this monumental show together and not just 8 weeks. Despite the short amount of time we would have been able to stage a great show, in keeping with Michael's high standards, but numerous stars were just not able to change their schedules to make a live appearance at the Vienna event possible."

Aw. Jermaine didn't have to do that! Who needs Mary, Chris or Natalie when you have Jermaine, La Toya and Joe (make sure to move your head to the side when you barf)!

I mean, Jermaine could've opened the show by performing "Smooth Criminal" as a geriatric California Raisin (no costume required). Then Joe could've recited his touching poem: "The World Lost A Superstar: An Ode To Blu-Ray Discs." And Claire Cruise could have...well....she could have just shown up, because the presence of her crazy ass would be worth the entire price of admission.

VIA BBC

Okay, that was a dumb question. Of course, Alien Princess RiRi can see through those things thanks to her intergalactic powers. However, if one of us peons put those lifeblockers on the only thing we'd be able to see clearly is how much of an asshole we look like.

For serious! My ass would be stumbling all over the place like a drunk Lohan during a game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey." I'd be falling on bitches, pissing in the punch bowl thinking it was the toilet, grabbing crotches on accident and snatching other people's drinks out of their hands. Hmm...that doesn't sound so bad actually. Those glasses will may you look like a total fool, but at least you'll have an excuse for being able to do whatever the hell you want! Be right back, I'm going to go make my own using spray paint and tiny egg crates.

Here's more of RiRi wearing Grace Jones' pajamas and sleeping mask at Fashion Night Out in NYC last night.

Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad haven't been together "like that" for over 10 years, but they have never divorced. Suddenly, Hef has decided to snip the cord and set Kimberly free. TMZ reports that Hef filed for divorce on Friday citing the good ole' "irreconcilable differences." Hef and Kimberly got married on July 1, 1989, but have been separated since January 12, 1998.

Hef says that the reason why he's legally quitting Kimberly's ass now is because she recently filed a $5 million lawsuit against him. Kimberly sued Hef after he fucked her by selling the house she and their sons were living in, which is next to the Playboy mansion.

In the documents, Hef states that he's already given Kimberly around $12 million, so he feels like he should only pay her $20,000 a month in spousal support.

You know, Hef could probably get away with paying her ass nothing due to the fact that their marriage is not valid. The last time I checked, humans and zombies could not legally get married in the State of California.

In possibly related news, a crazy blonde bitch in a white wedding dress was seen pulling up to the Playboy mansion IN THIS.