Look at your window right now. If the streets are littered with heads covered with Urban Decay make-up and Manic Panic, it's because Twitards are exploding over this picture of RPattz and Kristen Stewart touching hands in Paris. The stock for cookie dough will touch the heavens tomorrow, because the Twitards that didn't lose their heads will drown their sorrows in all of Aniston's favorites.
Anyway, here's the those two fancy homeless people at the airport and also leaving their hotel in Paris tonight. Obviously, them touching jack-off hands means that they are secretly married and she's pregnant with their sparkly vampire spawn who is slowly eating her insides. I swear I didn't read the books. Don't you dare accuse me of that!
But seriously, we all know this is just a publicity stunt. RPattz obviously feels the heat in his loins for the Twihard in the sixth thumbnail below.
A few anti-drug campaigners are shaking their fists at 22-year-old Joss Stone after she told Star Magazine that weed is not a drug and that EVERYONE smokes it. If you have a baby at home, you better check on them, because they are probably smoking your stash in the bathroom. Tell them to get their own! Actually, does "everyone" include animals too, because my dog has been laughing at my dumb jokes lately. Anyway, here's what Joss had to say. She probably swallowed a bong right before she spoke:
"I smoke weed, but I don’t think it’s really a drug. It’s more of a herb. I don’t regret saying that at all. I think everyone smokes weed and people who say they don’t are lying! Weed has been given this evil stamp, but how is it dangerous? It’s going to make you laugh your arse off? You might go to sleep? I think alcohol is much more harmful. People beat the fuck out of each other on alcohol.
But I don’t smoke weed all day long. I live in Devon and hardly ever go to clubs. When I do, I’ll drink three or four beers then move on to a vodka. I don’t want to take all those horrible drugs. Although some sound fun, so I might dabble now and then!"
Come to think of it, Joss Stoner is right. Whenever I get a drop of booze on my tongue, I get the intense urge to kick a bitch in the butt bone or slap a trick in their teefs. I thought it was because I was a terrible person, but now I know it's due to the sweet nectar hitting my veins.
And the good shit never does that to me. Although, I think it caused me to put a tub of ice cream in the oven. It also might be the reason why I fell asleep with a peen on my forehead once.
Source: Daily Mail
Comedian Katt Williams was arrested last night for allegedly breaking into a home in Georgia and snatching a bunch of stuff. Katt's lawyer Williams Briggs tells TMZ that he has been set up! According to his Willy B, while Katt is shooting a movie in Georgia he's staying at the producer's home. The same home he was accused of robbing.
Willy B claims that Katt got into an argument with one of the producer's employees who lives in the guest house. Katt really must have made that bitch's balls boil, because the employee called the cops and reported a fake burglary. Willy B said that Katt has been staying at the house for nearly 3 weeks and was given full permission to be there.
And now you've just learned the fastest to get a bitch out of your house. The next time one of your fuck buddies overstays his welcome and starts yammering about brunch plans while cuddling (SHUDDER) with you, call 911. Tell them a strange man is robbing your ass. Yes, you will eventually be jailed for crying wolf, but at least you won't have to cuddle with a ho.
BONUS! TMZ also has a 911 recording of some 17-year-old boy claiming that Katt was holding him against his will. The call was made last Tuesday. The boy said that he was about to take a car to the airport when Katt showed up and wouldn't let him leave. Katt also threatened to beat him up. The cops arrived at the scene, but didn't make any arrests.
Prison baby Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl is the latest actress trying to conquer the music charts. Don't you know that record executives won't even think about giving you a deal unless you've got at least 5 IMDB credits to your name?
Here's Leighton's shiny new video for "Somebody to Love" (Jefferson Airplane just crashed) featuring Alan Thicke's baby boy Robin. The video is pretty basic. It features Leighton doing ho stuff in a rent-a-limo, ho stuff on a restaurant banquette (pretend it's Black Angus), ho stuff in an elevator and ho stuff on sheer curtains. This is kind of how you spend your Saturday night. Well, instead of doing ho stuff in a limo, you do ho stuff in a pedicab. And instead of doing ho stuff on a restaurant banquette, you do ho stuff while waiting in line at White Castle. You get the picture.
I know this song may cause your ear holes to reach for the meth, but any song that will become a favorite at strip clubs everywhere is fine by me. This song is definitely going double condom wrapper.
One of Sammy Sosa's friends has come out to defend him after a picture of him looking like he's on step 3 of "Michael Jackson's Guide to Beauty" started making people talking. Rebecca Polihronis, a former Cubs employee who talks to Sosa all the time, told the Chicago Sun-Times that he's in the process of going through a laser treatment to his skin after spending years playing in the sun.
Rebecca said, "He's not trying to be Michael Jackson. He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin. Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting. He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, 'If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.' People who saw him in person did not react the same way. He can't believe it is such a big deal. He has always been concerned with the way he looks. Probably just bad timing going to an awards show."
REJUVENATION PROCESS?! Unless Sosa was born a baked potato, this "rejuvenation process" is not working. Get a refund. Seriously, I just want to throw a stick of butter and a tub of sour cream on him (hold the chives).
And what does Sammy have to say about those swap meet-bought lemur contacts in his eyes? Let me guess? Eyeball rejuvenation? Bitch should get brain rejuvenation while he's at it.
I shouldn't say that. If Sammy is okay with little children running for the nearest church after seeing him, then good for him.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have a pair of brand new BABIES!! at home, and she told Elle Magazine that her heart fills up whenever she smells her twins' freshly baked butt cookies straight out of the oven. SJP is not right for making me picture her sniffing on used diapers like an apple pie cooling on the window sill. NASTY SCAT HO:
“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it.”
Either SJP's neighborhood bakery should be shut down by the health department or her babies eat a lot of hay, carrots and sugar cubes.
Michael Lohan, the current reigning Father of the New Millennium (sorry, Joe Jackson), recently promised that he was going to release a bunch of taped phone conversations he had with his daughter. Well, Michael has come through and released a series of tapes to Radar. According to Michael, he did so because he wants the world to know that his daughter's life is not all rainbows and she desperately needs help. And because he needs a check to continue to buy fancy thread from Michael's to make friendship bracelets like the one above.
In the 3-minute long tape, LiLo cries uncontrollably to her father about how no one cares about her and White Oprah doesn't stand by her. At one point she says, “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.”
If you picture me saying these things after an 8-hour Mother's Circus Animal Cookie binge, it might make the tape less depressing. But not really.
Michael also has plans to roll out more tapes in the near future. And I'm sure he'll release remixes of each tape too. Michael is truly the Time Life of deadbeat dads.
If enchanted unicorns frolic through Robert Pattinson's hair, what kind of mythical creatures roam through the Grimes Twins' follicle forest? Deaf boy fairies with ingrown wings?
Anyway, the Grimes Twins took some time out form making Simon Cowell's nipples out on the UK's X-Factor to attend last night's A Christmas Carol premiere in London. At the after-party, the twins told The Mirror that everyone is copying their "I fucked myself with a live wire" hairstyle, "This attention is crazy. We're loving every minute. We've even got people copying our hair. Can you believe it."
You know, I don't think people are intentionally copying their hair. They just made the wrong decision of listening to the Grimes Twins sing live without protection (i.e. ear plugs). That shit will make your hair stand up in a quick second. It's your follicles trying to escape to heaven.
Unfortunately for our genitals, Hugh Jackman will not be thrusting his crotch and twirling his peen as host of the Oscars next year. Instead, the producers have hired Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to serve as co-hosts for the zillion-hour long show. I can already see them dancing cheek-to-cheek during one of the hundred musical numbers.
The producers had this to say for themselves:
“We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars. Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event.”
Steve Martin has tamed the hooker known as Oscar before. He hosted twice and even won an Emmy for it. This will be Alec's first time at the wheel.
When I first read that Hugh Jackmeoff wasn't going to come back as host, I was hoping that the producers would completely overhaul the entire show. Since we're in a recession, they should've promoted Phoebe Price from balcony seat filler to host. She could've handed the awards out in the parking lot of Chick-fil A. Now that sounds like a show.
VIA The Wrap
I've been staring at these pictures from the past 10 minutes trying to figure out if that's really Lady CaCa in the face. These pictures still made me fart through my peen hole (I'm getting that checked today), but there's something different here. Yeah, I'm taking my coffee with a drop boric acid this morning.
At this point, Lady CaCa doesn't even need to leave her house anymore. All she has to do is take a bag of potpourri from a goth, shove it down a blonde cat's throat, get it to barf it up a lacey hairball, roll it in moth balls, sprinkle Wet 'N Wild nail polish on it and then push it in front of photographers. Or she could've just dropped a hairy nutsack on the carpet. VOILA! InstaCaCa!
Here's more of Lady CaCa working that tuck game and moving bowels at the ACE Awards in NYC last night, where she won the Stylemaker Award. Just so you know, the committee who chose the winner included a blind warthog, Tiffany doll, and Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail.