BABIES!!!

Today is Wednesday, which means that somewhere in the world is a brand new baby who will learn to look Lil Wayne dead in the eye and say, "Where's my check, boo?!"

RapWeekly reports that Lil Wayne is a father for the second time this year. You know how 2009 has been called the year of death? Well, I think we're going to come out even thanks to Lil Wayne's sperm.

Apparently, singer Nivea popped out Lil Wayne's fourth child over the weekend. There's not many details and the name of their kid was not released. I'm guessing that Wayne is going to keep it simple by naming his new spawn "#4." I mean, how is he supposed to remember all the names of his baby mamas and the babies. He's going to have to start numbering them sooner or later.

Wayne already has a 12-year-old daughter (with his ex-wife Toya), a 1-year-old son (with an unidentified woman) and a 2-month-old son (with actress Lauren London). These are the babies that we know of.

Don't stare at that picture of Wayne too hard or you may feel a kicking down below. No, it wouldn't be the frozen burrito you had for a morning snack! It would be Wayne's fifth child trying to get out.

Adriana Lima and her husband, basketball player Marko Jaric, have a brand new baby friend (of the female variety). Adriana's spokeswhore confirmed to People that she gave birth to a girl in NYC last night, "Adriana and Marko are thrilled to announce they had a baby girl, Valentina Lima Jaric. Mother, father and baby are all doing well."

I'm sure that as soon as she popped out her baby, her stomach went flat, her titties jumped for heaven and she let out a long butt hum (models don't fart) that caused her ass to shrink. Bitch will be back in a bikini by this weekend.

And I think we're all wondering the same thing: Does Valentina look like her mother, or does she have her father's marble eyes? If it's the latter, let's just tell her that her lil' eyes love her nose so much that they always want to be together. And if that doesn't work, we can tell her that when she grows up she can play the real-life Doug in a movie.

We're all awful people.

The fact that Nicole Kidman has a baby friend completely dropped off the face of my brain. Maybe because she doesn't shine Sunday Rose up and push her out on the ho stroll like someone we all know and loathe.

Here's Nicky and Sunday hitting the NYC clubs to get crunk last night. Sunday looks a little surprised and confused, because it's not often that she sees people who don't have faces like Julie Masking.

When Miss J isn't pursing his lips (you choose which pair) at the judge's table on America's Next Top Model, he's chasing a 7-year-old boy around in stiletto heels. If you're having trouble imagining that picture. Just think of an extra feathery ostrich trying to catch a screeching mouse. There.

On The MeMeMeMeMe Show today, Miss J told TyTy Banks that he's the co-father of a 7-year-old boy.

It all started when a friend asked Miss J and his boyfriend to donate a drop of their creme de la cock so that she could bake a baby in her womb. Miss J explained, "A French lesbian had asked if we would be sperm donors. "So we thought, 'OK, you want me to do you?' And she was like, 'Ooooh, I'm not that talented.' So I said, 'Okay fine.' So we did a little test tube."

Miss J's ex-boyfriend is the boy's bio-daddy, but he's still involved in his life. Miss J said that his refined manners have started to rub off on his son, "He was toilet-trained at a year and three months. He refuses to drink out of plastic and will use only glass. He insists on wearing nice shoes. I think somehow my fashion genes must have slipped in there."

Cut to me wearing one stained sock (I don't know where the other one went) and sipping from a plastic 2-liter Coke bottle filled with water (I'm too lazy to get up to refill a glass all the time). Basically, Miss J's 7-year-old son is fancier than I am. I wonder if Miss J is taking applications?

VIA UsWeekly

Tiffani Thiessen (aka always Kelly Kapowski to me) is going to have one of those baby things with her husband Brady Smith. And guess what? Kelly is so damn happy that she busted out a massive fart of joy which skyrocketed her over Earth's moon. I would expect that kind of talk from Screech, but not our Kelly. She issued this statement to People:

"We are over the moon! It's something we've wanted for a long time and we are thrilled that it's actually happening."

I can forgive and forget if Kelly names her child Zack Attack Jr. But only then!

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.

The pharmaceutical companies better start working overtime to stock up on painkillers and anti-depressants, because I have a feeling that Mel Gibson's new daughter is going to need most of their stock in a few years to deal with being...well...Mel Gibson's daughter.

Radar reports that Mel's girlfriend (and one of my gold digging heroes) Oksana Grigorieva gave birth to a daughter on Friday. Oksana claimed she wasn't due until December, so if the reports are true, baby came waaaaaaay early. Or maybe Oksana is doing that new kind of math (aka whoregebra).

A source added that Mel's new daughter is healthy and is already at home. Yeah, already at home and trying to make an escape rope out of her bed sheets and bibs.

Unfortunately, we don't know a name yet, but I'm guessing Mel went with Jackeline Daniels Sugartits Jesus Gibson. Jackeline Daniels is the second child for Oksana (she has a son with Timmy Dalton) and Mel's EIGHTH.

Eight is definitely enough for Mel. Seriously, I think a "Neuter Mel Gibson" measure will be on the ballot in California tomorrow. VOTE YES!

UPDATE: Mel's spokeswhore confirms that a new Gibson crawls amongst us. Mel and Oksana have named her Lucia. (People)

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

The Polish papers have already reported this weeks ago that Colin Farrell has a brand new son, but now it's confirmed. Colin's spokeswhore says that his girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda, popped out their first baby together on October 7th.

Colin and Alicja actually gave their kid a normal name. A name that doesn't cause your eyes to do the hustle. They named him Henry Tadeusz Farrell. I know. What the hell kind of GD celebrities do Colin and Alicja think they are? They better enroll him in a celebkid-free school, because if they don't, Sparrow and Bronx will make fun of him for having a name like Henry. That might have been a Twilight Zone episode.

Anyway, this is Colin's second kid. He has a 6-year-old son with Kim Bordenave named James.

Colin and Alicja met while filming a movie together. Two seconds later, Colin threw a jizz ball her way and she got knocked up. At this rate, Colin will have 6 kiddies and just as many baby mamas by the time he's 40. Keep fucking that chicken, Colin!

Source: Associated Press

Here's The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa and Jacqueline with their brand new baby friends, Audriana and Nicholas, in this week's InTouch Weekly. No, those babies are not wearing Halloween costumes. This is their real-life-wear. Okay, Nicholas' "Ode to Brad Pitt" ensemble isn't that bad, but Audriana looks like an Anne Geddes photo shoot.

According to Teresa, I'm alone in my opinions on her baby styling skills. Teresa said, "They’re girlie-girls. They all love clothes and fashion. Everyone loves the way I dress my kids and asks where I buy the clothes. When we go shopping, they know what they like. We like Stage Left in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, and Neiman Marcus. I’ve noticed that a lot of celebrities dress their kids very plain and simple. The baby that they say has style is Tom Cruise’s daughter, Suri, but that’s not really my style. I’m a little hipper. The producers say the way I dress the girls reminds them of Kimora Lee Simmons’ daughters."

The producers or a bunch of liars, because the way she dresses her girls reminds me of a Bath & Body Works gift basket. Teresa's the one who should be wearing a giant shower puff on her head, so it will cover up her "Gorillas in the Mist" forehead.

Samantha Burke sold off the first pictures of her baby with Jude Law to Hello! Magazine for$300,000. This had a lot of whores (including yours truly) screaming about how she's selling out her baby so she can roll around in wads of cash. Well, Samantha bounced on her website to set the record straight:

I can confirm that after months of constant requests from the media, I decided to share pictures of myself and Sophia with Hello! Magazine. Both Sophia and I were compensated for the photographs, and will donate a portion of the compensation to the Ronald McDonald House to assist with the completion of their new facility in Pensacola, FL. The majority of the compensation, paid to Sophia, will be placed in trust for her secondary education and well-being. I’m thrilled with the pictures of Sophia and pleased to announce that she is healthy, happy and deeply loved.

SAMMY STOP! Putting a quarter in those plastic boxes in front of the McDonald's cash register does not count!

But if Samantha is telling the whole truth, it makes sense why Baby Sophia has a "THIS BITCH" face. Working for free doesn't exactly inspire a smile.

VIA Just Jared