BABIES!!!

In case you're already drunk, Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years doesn't look like that anymore, so don't creep yourself out by trying to imagine that young girl with a baby belly. No, Winnie is all grown up! Winnie is 35, has been married for one year to a man who isn't Kevin Arnold and now she's got one of those mini-humans growing in her womb.

Winnie (real name: Danica McKellar) tells People all about her adventures in baby-growing, "I'm nearing the end of my first trimester and I'm so excited – I've been bursting to tell people. I was in the middle of a really intense deadline for my book (Ed note: Winnie writes books about math. BOOORING) I wanted to put off the [pregnancy] test because I didn't want any distractions. That only lasted a day – I couldn't stop thinking about it and I caved! You can't try to put that off."

Yay. Babies. Blah. Blah. Blah. But really, this post has an ulterior motive. It's an excuse to post a picture of the gloriously gorgeous Margaret Farquhar:

Jude Law and his latest baby mama Samantha Burke have come to an agreement regarding child support and the visitation schedule for their five-month old daughter Sophia. The News of the World (via Metro) claims that Jude's signature will hitch a ride on a $5,000 check and visit baby Sophia once a month. Jude himself will shake baby Sophia's hand in person just twice a year. So Jude is basically making like his hairline and disappearing.

One of Samantha's friends added, "Jude will visit his daughter at least twice a year, once around Christmas."

Five thousand dollars is not a lot of money to a wallet fucker. Jude Law could've shook out his checking account a little more and added a zero to that amount. I mean, it's not like he's spending any money on haircare products or condoms. Now thanks to him being a cheap ass, Samantha Burke will have no choice but to shine up Sophia and kick her ass out on the ho stroll to collect more coins.

Titty leche is having the best (or worst, depending on how you smell it) week ever! Late last week, a Kentucky woman was arrested for attacking a female police officer with her breast milk. If that female officer knew what was good, she would've pulled out a jar, collected that titty leche and used it to make a delicious cheese to spread on Ritz crackers. That's basically what a NYC chef did with his wife's nipple nectar and he even put it on the menu at his restaurant. OctoMom just pushed a baby, because bitch wishes she would've come up with this.

Chef Daniel Angerer of Klee Brasserie tells the New York Post, "It tastes like cow's-milk cheese, kind of sweet." After Chef Daniel blogged about it, he got a million calls from customers demanding a sample of his wife's chichi cream cheese. Little did Daniel know that his "customers" weren't wearing pants at the time of the call and were most likely making their own kind of milk while listening to him describe his wife's breast milk in detail.

Chef Daniel went on to say, "The phone was ringing off the hook. So I prepared a little canapé of breast-milk cheese with figs and Hungarian pepper."

Daniel's main supplier, his wife, is happy to help her husband out, but don't ask her to pour you a shot straight from the tap. She said, "I'm not here to walk people through their psychological problems." And two beats later, her husband said they are going to make a breast milk gelato next. They really make a great comedy team, right? The timing!

Daniel has the right idea, but he really should go all the way. Why waste precious minutes making cheese out of his wife's breast milk. Daniel should just set up a booth on the street and let his wife squirt into Dixie cups. Better yet, go green and scrap the Dixie cups. Daniel's wife can just squirt directly into the mouth. Give the sucio ass bitches what they really want!

By the way, I'm pretty sure Daniel's baby is in a semi-catatonic state in the picture above. Homegirl is THIRSTAY, because her momma's tete is dry by the time she gets to it at the end of the day. Get in line, baby!

The Queen of Scientology Suri Cruise is really getting bored with playing dress up with her daddy and having tea parties with E.T., so she has ordered that her mother Stepford Katie bring her a real-life baby to play with. And since Suri is the boss, Tommy Girl snapped his fingers in Z formation and sent Stepford Katie to the Scientology Center to be prepared for pregnancy.

One source tells Page Six that Katie is undergoing intense "auditing" at the Scientology Center in Hollywood. Katie was there for fours last week. The source thinks they are preparing her for a second baby, "This is exactly what happened just before she got pregnant with Suri. Tom has made no secret of the fact that he would like another baby. It is almost as if she is being prepared for it. Scientologists believe the health and the sanity of the child begin long before birth."

What in Tommy Girl anal gland Hell are they auditing Katie for? Don't they just have to check the trash on her hard drive to see what secrets she's been storing lately? Seriously.

I don't even want to know how they prepare Katie for pregnancy. I bet they beam down a bowl of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm. Then Tommy Girl comes out in silver disco shorts and dethaws the sperm by rubbing his ass cheeks all over it while dancing to the Star Trek theme song.

Vadge was sick of Baby Jesus' loud ass goo goo and gagas waking her up in the middle of the day as she tries to sleep in her coffin, so she got him a record deal! That way he can cry and whine in front of a mic in a recording studio far far away. Some mothers send their children to daycare, Vadge sends hers to a recording studio!

The Sun says that Baby Jesus' first single titled "We Came From Light" (insert your own Vadge vag joke here) will come out this Summer. Vadge was only able to get Baby Jesus a two-single deal from Warner Bros. after she agreed to license some of her classic songs for advertising campaigns. A source added, "Madonna really wants Jesus's career to take off. She's been going through her Filofax and putting him in contact with as many of her influential pals as she can."

Aw. This is sweeter than Gay Al Reynold's donut hole. Vadge really is a loving sugar memaw. Before Vadge drops Baby Jesus off at the orphanage, she wants to teach him how to wipe his own ass and walk a few steps without the help of a toddler walker. Vadge's zombie heart still has a few beats in it.

In other news, JLo chopped her hair off, strapped her titties and ass down, changed her name to Joachim and was seen strutting outside of Vadge's front door.

Drunk teefs himself Gary Busy is a father all over again at the ripe age of 65. USA Today says that Gary's 40-year-old girlfriend Steffanie Sampson gave birth to a healthy pair of dentures baby boy at 6:40 this morning. Child Protective Services already sent out a welcome package when Gary announced his girlfriend's pregnancy a couple of months ago.

Gary and Steffanie named their son Luke Samson Busey. Gary's rep said that Luke weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces (4 of those pounds are from his teeth). Gary and Steffanie also released this statement:

"This feels like a dream. We feel so blessed and are overwhelmed with happiness at Luke's arrival."

Gary saying "it feels like a dream" concerns me. Gary is feeling dream-like, because he inhaled a little nitrous at the hospital, right? Gary, unlock your chompers from that tank, and go hold your baby!

St. Angie, Billy Goat Brad and all eleventy of their children left Venice, Italy for Paris this morning surrounded by a team of security. The security was mostly for the twin messiahs (who may or may not have found Brad's secret hash stash), because if the hand of a mere mortal touches them, Earth will turn to dust.

But seriously, St. Angie should get rid of all that security and just keep her kids on those child leashes. Child leashes are not only the greatest invention in life, but they are also all sorts of entertaining. Just yesterday, I was on my way to buy a taco and some lady had her toddler on a leash. Of course, a grouchy ass grandma had to say something like, "Oh my. Treating him like a dog!" Ha. I would've given up my left nipple if the mom pulled out a bag of cookies and told her child to sit. Grandma would've turned inside/out.

Even though I think child leashes are necessary (no, I don't), I'm glad they weren't around when I was a kid. If they were, my abuelita would've tied my leash to a tree in the backyard and forgot about me. I'd still be there today, and rightly so.

Here's more of Brangie and their army of walking hats leaving for Paris.

Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi gave birth to a baby girl in NYC on Saturday. The birth was sponsored by the makers of the GLAD family of products. Padma's rep had this to say to People about her client's new baby friend:

"Model, author and Emmy-nominated host of Top Chef Padma Lakshmi gave birth to a baby girl named Krishna Thea Lakshmi on Saturday. Mother and baby are well and happy."

You better believe that Padma has already made Krishna spit sign a confidentiality agreement forbidding her to reveal her daddy's name to the media. If you ask Padma who the father of her baby is, she'll douse you in tomato-kombu sauce and tell Tom Coliccho that dinner is served.

And I'm guessing that in an upcoming episode of Top Chef, one of the quickfires will be to make an amuse bouche out of Padma's placenta. Okay, okay, I'm packing my knives and I'm going....

Yesterday, I posted a link to Celebitchy about a mystery child Brangelina has been carrying around in Venice. Some said it's Knox, and others said it's Shiloh. The only way mystery child could be Knox is if he snorted a bunch of magic beans, because dude is just a baby. I mean, I know he blood is laced with miracles, but I doubt he can grow that fast. Personally, I think he's going to stay a baby forever. You know, like a cherub.

So that leaves Shiloh. Let's compare mystery child with a picture of Shiloh from a couple of days ago:

Ding Ding (?). Mystery child is Shiloh. Maddox simply played beauty shop and gave her a henna rinse (or her icy blonde hair just naturally went a little darker).

Or you can continue to believe that Brad Pitt was cleaning up the house one day and found this mystery child chilling out in the drawer of a dresser. Brad shrugged and recruited mystery child to the Brangie army.

And in other Brangie news, Page Six says that they are staging photo-ops are all over Italy to show that they don't hate each other. You don't fucking say.

(Images via Splash and Fame)

DAMN STUPID BABIES! Poor Solange will have to eat her nightly meal of a ham and mayo sandwich without the ham thanks to a greedy baby who may or may not be her half-brother.

Last year, a woman named Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit in court claiming that Solange and Beyonce's father/manager made a baby with her. The baby boy was born on February 1st, and yesterday a judge ordered that Matthew Knowles must pay Alexsandra $8,200 a month for child support. Matthew must also take $20k out of Solange's allowance jar to give to Alexsandra for the month of January.

A little fact that might make Beyonce's lacefront singe is that Matthew isn't officially the baby's father. Matthew will take a DNA test on March 1st. If Matthew is the father, the judge will determine a long-term child support payment.

Matthew has never admitted he's the father, but he's never denied it either. That might be why Tina Knowles put on her "divorcin' wig" and filed for the BIG D from Matthew a couple of months ago.

While Alexsandra is doing the gold digging shuffle, the rest of us are wondering how a judge can make a bitch pay temporary child support payments without knowing if he's the real father. Matthew needs a new lawyer. And he also needs to stop taking legal advice from Solange. I mean, I know she's seen every re-run of Night Court (it plays on the only channel she gets down in the basement), but that doesn't make her a legal authority!

Oh, and guess what Alexsandra named Solange's new arch rival? She named him NIXON! Yes, Basement Baby is getting kicked down by someone named NIXON. That hurts.